Joke Thread

[Grathea]

Spoiler: Seriously, don't read if you're easily offended

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream as you put it in the oven.

I'm a little surprised at the reactions to this one. Sure, it's pretty awful, but is it really worse than the other one?
And no, I'm not advocating we all try and come up with the worst joke to top each other off. Some of us have finite capacity for ignorance and bias, and after a while said jokes become unfunny.

Spoiler: That said, this is the worst joke I know. Seriously, if you were at all offended by the previous ones, don't look. I'm warning you!

What do you get when you stab a dead baby with a 12-inch steak knife?
An erection.

Anyways, I'll start off some other jokes.
Here's a good one - American hockey.
No? Guess you had to be there.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking  own the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Y'know, the other day, I was walking down the street, and I saw a sign that read SLOW CHILDREN.
I thought, hey, that'll do wonders for their self-esteem.

Thank you, everybody, and don't forget to tip your waitress on the way out!

 

[Venetia]

Spoiler: Seriously, don't read if you're easily offended

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream as you put it in the oven.

I'm a little surprised at the reactions to this one. Sure, it's pretty awful, but is it really worse than the other one?
And no, I'm not advocating we all try and come up with the worst joke to top each other off. Some of us have finite capacity for ignorance and bias, and after a while said jokes become unfunny.

Oh no I thought it was funny ... I'm just German in heritage, so I'm not allowed to laugh at Jew jokes XD

 

[iceplosion]

Y'know, the other day, I was walking down the street, and I saw a sign that read SLOW CHILDREN.
I thought, hey, that'll do wonders for their self-esteem.

Don't worry, they can't read it! :wink:

 

[Rare]

Woo MJ jokes:

What time is bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house?

Spoiler

When the big hand touches the small hand.

Why can't Micheal Jackson play chess?

Spoiler

Because he doesn't know if he's black or white.

:x  They made me chuckle.

 

[Trek22]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop,

Spoiler

a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

And not that there isn't enough O.J. jokes, heres another one.

What is O.J's web address?

Spoiler

Slash Slash Backslash Slash Slash Escape.

 

[Dawne]

Spoiler: WARNING: SEMI-ADULT CONTENT!

A fly is buzzing around about a foot above a small pond for quiet awhile. A fish in the pond has been
watching the fly and thinks to itself "If that fly would only drop a few inches I could jump up and eat it."

A few feet from the pond, a bear sits watching the fish and thinks "If that fly would drop a few inches that fish would jump up and I could
catch it."

Behind a tree near the bear is a hunter who thinks to himself "If that fly would drop a few inches, that fish would jump up, the bear would go to catch the fish and I could shoot the bear."

Right by the hunters bag is a small mouse who has been looking at the hunters lunch and it thinks "If that fly would drop a few inches, that fish would jump up, the bear would go to catch the fish, the hunter would leave to shoot the bear and I could eat his lunch."

Quietly behind the mouse a cat sits and thinks "If that fly would drop a few inches, that fish would jump up, then the bear would go to catch the fish, the hunter would leave to shoot the bear, the mouse would go to eat the hunters lunch and I could eat the mouse."

So finally, the fly drops. The fish jumps, the bear makes its move, the hunter shoots, the mouse scurries over to the hunters bag, and in a fit of excitement the cat pounces a little too far and lands right into the pond.

So what's the moral of the story?
Fly goes down, pussy gets wet.

What do McDonalds and MJ have in common?

Spoiler

40 year-old meat between 6 year-old buns

 

[Ellie]

One day at a bank, some guy walks in. A woman called Paddy is working at the desk.

"How can I help you?"
"My name's Kermit Jagger, and I'm here for a loan."
"I'm gonna need some sort of a deposit for that," says Mrs. Whack.
"All I have is this..."

The guy pulls something out of his pocket; it appears to be a small pink elephant.

"I can't accept this."
"I don't like your attitude, let me speak to your manager!"

The manager comes down, and looks at the elephant.

"What the hell is this?" Paddy says.

"It's a nick-nack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

 

[holloway]

A WOMAN called paddy?

 

[Cruelty]

lol @ jew/pizza joke.

 

[syphonmax]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop,

Spoiler

a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Finally you posted something funny xD

Ok here's mine

Spoiler: Similarities between Micheal Jackson and xbox 360

They both changed from black to white
They are mostly made of plastic
They get turned on by little kids

Spoiler: Three patients

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?â€

 

[Ellie]

That MJ joke was said when the PS2 came out... and when the Game Cube came out... and when the Dreamcast came out. (And probably when the Commodore 64 came out or whatever it's called. That really old one with the 64k memory.)

 

[syphonmax]

lol so true :lol:

 

[Emtch]

Two of my favourite jokes:

-What do you do if you find a bleeding emokid in your garden?
-Stop laughing and then fire another shot.

-What did the blonde's legs say to each other before a weeks vacation on Mallorca?
-See you next week.

 

[Ellie]

What has two legs, and bleeds in the middle?

Spoiler

Half a dog

 

[e]

Well, I was sure expecting another answer (and a lynching).

 

[iceplosion]

Well, I was sure expecting another answer (and a lynching).

This.

 

[Emtch]

Here comes a really bad one:
What's the difference between a goat?
Neither can ride a bike.

 

[Yggdrassil]

That reminds me of an old joke...

1. If you're rafting down a river, and your oar falls out of your van window, how many bottles of Aunt Jamima syrup will it take to fill a size thrirteen left show?

4, because tail-lights blink red.

2. If you're going 60 mph in a 30 mph zone, and all the wheels fall off your canoe, how many pancakes will it take to make a doghouse?

16, because snakes don't have armpits.

Kinda random, but they make everyone go O_o

 

[Jason]

Three men are stood talking about their wives, the first one says
"My wife is so forgetful, she left the house and forgot to lock the door"
The other says
"My wife is so forgetful, she once walked out of a shop without paying !"
The last one says
"My wife is so forgetful, she once took 40 condoms to Ibiza, and forgot to bring them back !"

 

[Chalupa]

Three Gay men died, and where cremated.  By coinsidence(Sp?), the 3 living lovers where at the funeral home at the same time.  One of them asked the others what they where going to do with the ashes.  One said "My Mike loved to fly, so I'm going to throw his ashes out of an air-plane."  The other said "Jim loved to fish, so I'm going to dump his ashes in one of our favorite lakes." The one who asked the question said "My Sam was such a good lover, that I'm going to put his ashes in my chilly, that way he can tear my ass up one more time"