Joke Thread
- Thread starter Olivia
- Start date
I'm not in charge here or anything, but I don't think Madeline Mcann and her parents are not a nice issue on joking with. Especially to those who don't believe the parents are guilty and are just trying to find their lost daughter, the media totally violated them.
Especially now to the fact the name "Mcann" and any chat related to it has now been been banned on chat rooms. :huh:
Especially now to the fact the name "Mcann" and any chat related to it has now been been banned on chat rooms. :huh:
iceplosion
Member
^What Cassy said, the Madeline Mc Cann jokes aren't that funny anymore, They've all been done to death anyway (Besides you guys are confusing the Americans)
Oh yes one post not to go off-topic, Madeline Mcann was a young British 6 year old girl in holiday Portugal who went missing from her apartment from her crib. Apparently the parent forgot to lock the door as they went bingo.
When they came back, the bedroom window was opening and Madeline was missing,
Unlike normal parents her parent made the mistake of issuing the press about her daughters recovery, and since they probably had alot of money they made loads of campaigns for Madeline.
Because of this, the press took their opportunity to make money from it since many people were interested on the topic. They made accusations of the parents killing her or faking the scene to get popularity and attention. And it wasn't the first time it happened too, many other parents have had to go through the same thing.
So yes, that's the story.
As for my joke:
When they came back, the bedroom window was opening and Madeline was missing,
Unlike normal parents her parent made the mistake of issuing the press about her daughters recovery, and since they probably had alot of money they made loads of campaigns for Madeline.
Because of this, the press took their opportunity to make money from it since many people were interested on the topic. They made accusations of the parents killing her or faking the scene to get popularity and attention. And it wasn't the first time it happened too, many other parents have had to go through the same thing.
So yes, that's the story.
As for my joke:
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
Venetia":turrilyx said:
I can't really explain it, Venetia. That makes the joke not funny and questionable
holloway":turrilyx said:
:x I've heard that one before.
Cassy":turrilyx said:
Oh come on ... racist jokes, current affairs, sexist jokes. We're all guilty of them. If it offends you, I'll refrain from doing it again.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1: Bin Sleepin
2: Bin Drinkin
3: Bin Fightin
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.
Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1: Bin Sleepin
2: Bin Drinkin
3: Bin Fightin
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.
Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.
Yesiceplosion":3ef5rk2h said:
. But now I've read up on this girl and all I can say is :'XNinjitsu":3ef5rk2h said:
That's my fave so far XD
Here are some'mo
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did," answers the employee, "It was great! By the way, I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did," answers the employee, "It was great! By the way, I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.
The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens."
His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.
The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.
He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape."
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, "Its pussy willow."
He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens."
His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.
The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.
He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape."
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, "Its pussy willow."
He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a dump. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
Dead baby jokes require that weird stupid sense of humor. Which I possess Its like the site Rotten.com, full of twisted shit so you have to be in that extracted state of mind that things simply don't affect when you see them. My roomate and I are one of the very few who saw 2 girls 1 cup for the first time and laughed our asses off at it. It was the stupidest human behavior imaginable and somehow we found that damn funny. I guess some people possess it and some people don't.
Its like the site Rotten.com, full of twisted shit so you have to be in that extracted state of mind that things simply don't affect when you see them. My roomate and I are one of the very few who saw 2 girls 1 cup for the first time and laughed our asses off at it. It was the stupidest human behavior imaginable and somehow we found that damn funny. I guess some people possess it and some people don't.I rather enjoy dead baby jokes >_>;;;
I just dislike babies.
anyway
I just dislike babies.
anyway
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner, the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner, the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
Who is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
To The Management
Memo
Subject: To the Management
Dear Management:
I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The P. Enis
************************************************** *****
Memo
Dear Mr. P. Enis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
Mrs. V. Gina
Subject: To the Management
Dear Management:
I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
The P. Enis
************************************************** *****
Memo
Dear Mr. P. Enis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
Mrs. V. Gina
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
There were five country churches in a small Texas town......
Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbytarian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbytarian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
I warn you; this joke is horrible, and I flog myself at night for having laughed at it and shared it. Here's something worst than the "How many Jews to light an oven" joke.
And for other, better jokes.
This one cracked me up. I'm not sure Europeans will fully get it.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream as you put it in the oven.
The pizza doesn't scream as you put it in the oven.
And for other, better jokes.
This one cracked me up. I'm not sure Europeans will fully get it.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
iceplosion
Member
etheon said: