Joke Thread
- Thread starter Olivia
- Start date
well, i can give a few mitch hedberg ones that are classics:
i haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
i dont think all those blurry pictures of bigfoot are out of focus, i think he just looks like that.
i was gonna get my teeth whitened, but i just said 'fuck that - i'll get a tan isntead'
i want to get my hair highlighted, because i feel some strands are more important than others.
an escalator can never be broken. you'll never see a sign 'escalator temporarily out of order'. itll just say 'escalator temporarily stairs'
i was at a bar, and the bouncer told me i had to move because i was blocking the fire exit, as if there was a fire i wasn't going to move.
if youre ever lost in the woods, fuck it build a house. "well i WAS lost, but now i live here. i have severely improved my predicament."
i had an ant farm, those fuckers didn't grow shit.
every time you see an infomercial, it always 'you can buy this product for 3 easy payments of 29.99". i want to see one thats three easy payments, and one fucking complicated payment.
i like the fedex guy because hes a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it.
i wrote my friend a letter using a highlighter pen.. but he couldn't read it. he thought i was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
i had my palm read, but i wrote somethign on it first to see fi she would read that too.
i was walking down the street and my friend said 'i hear music', as tho theres any other way you can take it in.
i dont like rice, theres too many of em. no matter how hungry i am, 1,000 of somethign is too many.
i think if they took sesame seeds off the market i wouldn't care. "woah, all the buns are blank" .. i dont even know what a sasame seed is. we never gave it a chance to grow. what the fuck is a sesame? ....its a street... and a way to open shit.
i haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
i dont think all those blurry pictures of bigfoot are out of focus, i think he just looks like that.
i was gonna get my teeth whitened, but i just said 'fuck that - i'll get a tan isntead'
i want to get my hair highlighted, because i feel some strands are more important than others.
an escalator can never be broken. you'll never see a sign 'escalator temporarily out of order'. itll just say 'escalator temporarily stairs'
i was at a bar, and the bouncer told me i had to move because i was blocking the fire exit, as if there was a fire i wasn't going to move.
if youre ever lost in the woods, fuck it build a house. "well i WAS lost, but now i live here. i have severely improved my predicament."
i had an ant farm, those fuckers didn't grow shit.
every time you see an infomercial, it always 'you can buy this product for 3 easy payments of 29.99". i want to see one thats three easy payments, and one fucking complicated payment.
i like the fedex guy because hes a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it.
i wrote my friend a letter using a highlighter pen.. but he couldn't read it. he thought i was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
i had my palm read, but i wrote somethign on it first to see fi she would read that too.
i was walking down the street and my friend said 'i hear music', as tho theres any other way you can take it in.
i dont like rice, theres too many of em. no matter how hungry i am, 1,000 of somethign is too many.
i think if they took sesame seeds off the market i wouldn't care. "woah, all the buns are blank" .. i dont even know what a sasame seed is. we never gave it a chance to grow. what the fuck is a sesame? ....its a street... and a way to open shit.
iceplosion
Member
I love Mitch Hedberg :grin:
This is a bad one...
The counterjoke is funnier if you get where it's coming from.
I originally heard it as:
Q: What do you call a Chinese pilot?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist.
It's pretty much the same, though.
And, in the same vein:
Q:Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A:Because it was the decomposing remains of a 1972 murder victim.
Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A:Blind.
Q: What's worse than your mom's cooking?
A: the Holocaust.
Get it?
A man sits down in a cafe. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of chili had finished his entire meal, except the chili bowl.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he spots a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "Yeah...that's about as far as I got, too."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of chili had finished his entire meal, except the chili bowl.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he spots a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "Yeah...that's about as far as I got, too."
Well, I'll try and explain it. The original joke (not funny) had the answer as 'a pirate', making fun of both an accent and a problem with piracy.Cruelty":9otx8zm7 said:
The counterjoke is funnier if you get where it's coming from.
I originally heard it as:
Q: What do you call a Chinese pilot?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist.
It's pretty much the same, though.
And, in the same vein:
Q:Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A:Because it was the decomposing remains of a 1972 murder victim.
Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A:Blind.
Q: What's worse than your mom's cooking?
A: the Holocaust.
Get it?
CrymsenTears
Member
A Duck walks into a store and says "do you have any grapes?" and the clerk says no. So the duck leaves and comes back 5 minutes later and asks, "do you have any grapes?" and the clerk once again says no. The duck leaves and comes back 5 minutes later and asks, "do you have any grapes?" and the clerk becomes furious and yells, "NO WE HAVE NO GRAPES AND WE NEVER WILL! AND IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN ILL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!" So the duck asks, "do you have any nails?" and the clerk says no. "Okay then" the duck says, "do you have any grapes?"
iceplosion
Member
CrymsenTears":210pn92q said:
Why did I laugh at this?
CrymsenTears
Member
because its retarded
Got to love tasteless jokes, heres a few more that probably won't sit well with a lot of people.
Warning these are crude, so if your easily offended then don't read on.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
And one more tasteless joke for those twisted enough to still be reading;
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Warning these are crude, so if your easily offended then don't read on.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked
And one more tasteless joke for those twisted enough to still be reading;
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.
CrymsenTears
Member
lmao yeah it is a classic. funny how they get changed though.
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That' s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad' s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can' t. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don' t start that shit again."
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That' s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad' s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can' t. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don' t start that shit again."
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replies, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
Then, the next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Fridge."
Then, the next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Fridge."
iceplosion
Member
Gratheo those were brilliant, you actually made me laugh.