iceplosion
Member
Cruelty I had to think about that one and it was really gross.
Joke Thread
- Thread starter Olivia
- Start date
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks " What may we do for you, my son?" He answers " I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man " Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs " Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun' s cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks " What may we do for you, my son?" He answers " I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man " Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs " Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun' s cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
OK, here's a bunch of short ones.
So, this woman goes into a bar, and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.
Yeah, he was a cunning linguist.
I got a compliment on my driving earlier today. They left a note on my windshield - it said 'Parking Fine'. So yeah, that was nice.
Now, some lightbulb jokes.
How many [???] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
So, this woman goes into a bar, and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.
Yeah, he was a cunning linguist.
I got a compliment on my driving earlier today. They left a note on my windshield - it said 'Parking Fine'. So yeah, that was nice.
Now, some lightbulb jokes.
How many [???] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb, and the other to hold the penis - I mean ladder.
Two. One to hold the giraffe's leash, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.
In Soviet Russia, Lightbulb screws you!
Soviet Russia jokes are classic;
In America, you watch television.
In Soviet Russia, television watches you!
In America, you catch a cold.
In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!
In America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, Party finds you!
In America, you find Waldo.
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you!
In Soviet Russia, television watches you!
In America, you catch a cold.
In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!
In America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, Party finds you!
In America, you find Waldo.
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you!
Alright, here come some more.
So, this baby seal walks into a club...
These two muffins are in an oven. The first one says 'Hot in here, isn't it?'
The second yells 'AAH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!'
So, this baby seal walks into a club...
These two muffins are in an oven. The first one says 'Hot in here, isn't it?'
The second yells 'AAH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!'
A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"
The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
Rofl @ gratheo.
Mm, I forgot where I heard this one, and I'm just wording it off the top of my head right now so it's kinda broke; but it goes something like this:
Mm, I forgot where I heard this one, and I'm just wording it off the top of my head right now so it's kinda broke; but it goes something like this:
One rainy day a married woman was cheating on her husband. Suddenly, the door downstairs opened as the husband who came home early muttered in his usual tone.
"Quick, you have to get out of here - He has a shotgun!" The wife whispered to the other man. So the man grabbed his cloths between his arms and hopped out of the window.
There happens to be a marathon going on outside. Soon, the runners gathered around him as they ran.
The first runner asked, "Do you always run naked?"
"Yes, it makes me feel alive!" The man replied.
The second runner pointed to his cloths, "Do you always run while holding your cloths between your arms?"
"Yep," He nodded, "It's so that I can get dressed quickly after."
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The third runner questioned.
"No," Said the man, "Only when it's raining."
"Quick, you have to get out of here - He has a shotgun!" The wife whispered to the other man. So the man grabbed his cloths between his arms and hopped out of the window.
There happens to be a marathon going on outside. Soon, the runners gathered around him as they ran.
The first runner asked, "Do you always run naked?"
"Yes, it makes me feel alive!" The man replied.
The second runner pointed to his cloths, "Do you always run while holding your cloths between your arms?"
"Yep," He nodded, "It's so that I can get dressed quickly after."
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The third runner questioned.
"No," Said the man, "Only when it's raining."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I got two xD
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Here's the best music joke I've heard; not laughably funny but very cleverly done:
(**Only people with decent music theory knowledge will understand [all of] it.)
------------
E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves,
and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a
few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is
not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse
me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the
bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is
not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding
at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a
minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar
tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're
looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a
major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off
his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that
he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty
of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found
innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge
rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
--------
(**Only people with decent music theory knowledge will understand [all of] it.)
------------
E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves,
and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a
few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is
not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse
me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the
bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is
not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding
at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a
minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar
tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're
looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a
major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off
his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that
he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty
of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found
innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge
rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
--------
OK, since we're on music jokes...
There were two people walking down the street. One was an aspiring musician. The other didn't have any money either.
And finally, the five stages of a musician's life.
1. Who is 3. Get me someone who sounds like 5. Who is ">">">">
Four. One to do it, and three to say 'I could have done that.'
He always comes in at the wrong entrance!
Homeless.
The stage is level.
They both suck when you plug them in.
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
'Would you like fries with that?'
And finally, the five stages of a musician's life.
1. Who is 3. Get me someone who sounds like 5. Who is ">">">">
The United states is notorious for its litigation culture, but one lawyer took it a little too far.
After purchasing a box of very expensive cigars, he had them insured against theft and fire damage. He proceeded to smoke every cigar, then claimed that they were destroyed by a series of small fires. The insurance company naturally refused to pay out, but the lawyer took them to court and astonishingly won $15,000, even though he had destroyed the cigars himself.
The insurance company didn't lie down; after receiving confirmation that the lawyer had pocketed his claim cheque, they had him arrested for 24 counts of arson. The evidence from the earlier case was used against him and he received a 24 month term in prison and a $24,000 fine.
And another one, these are insurance claims btw.
And finally here's a gem from a driver who obviously lacked due care and attention:
"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."
After purchasing a box of very expensive cigars, he had them insured against theft and fire damage. He proceeded to smoke every cigar, then claimed that they were destroyed by a series of small fires. The insurance company naturally refused to pay out, but the lawyer took them to court and astonishingly won $15,000, even though he had destroyed the cigars himself.
The insurance company didn't lie down; after receiving confirmation that the lawyer had pocketed his claim cheque, they had him arrested for 24 counts of arson. The evidence from the earlier case was used against him and he received a 24 month term in prison and a $24,000 fine.
And another one, these are insurance claims btw.
And finally here's a gem from a driver who obviously lacked due care and attention:
"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."