Joke Thread

[Emtch]

A nun was walking in the park, when suddenly a man pulled her into the bushes and raped her. When he was done he said:
"What are you gonna tell "the holy father" now, huh?
And she replied:
"I'm gonna tell him the truth, that you jumped out of the bushes and raped me twice... or are you already exhausted?"

 

[Sic Semper Tyranosaurus]

What did one lesbian pirate say to the other?

Spoiler

Well, scissor me timbers!

Oh god, I hate that joke.  :down:

 

[syphonmax]

Urgh! Gross

lol jbrist and Emtch they were kinda funny

ok here's mine

There were 12 patients in a mental institute and they doing very well so the doctor decided to test them and see if they are ready to be realeased.

So the doctor drew a picture of a door on a wall and asked the patients to go through that door. In a big rush the patients were knocking over each other to go through the door, but one stood behind and didn't move.

The doctor then said "wonderful you're freee to go but first tell me why you didn't try and go through the door?" The patient replied

"Because I have the keys to the door"

:lol:

 

[Ellie]

Urgh! Gross

No offense, but if you think that's gross, you better learn what happens when a man and a woman have sex. I'd say that's more gross.

Anyway.

A blonde woman is speaking to a man over an intelligence test. He says to her:

"I'm gonna ask you a series of questions, and you are gonna ask me some back. To make things interesting, for every question you can't answer, I get £5. For every question I can't answer, you get £50."

They begin. He asks her: "What's the capital of India?"

"I don't know..." she says, and hands him a fiver.

She asks him back: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

"I don't know", he says, and reluctantly gives her 50 quid.

"What is it then?"

"I don't know", she says, and hands him another fiver.

 

[syphonmax]

Urgh! Gross

No offense, but if you think that's gross, you better learn what happens when a man and a woman have sex. I'd say that's more gross.

Anyway.

A blonde woman is speaking to a man over an intelligence test. He says to her:

"I'm gonna ask you a series of questions, and you are gonna ask me some back. To make things interesting, for every question you can't answer, I get £5. For every question I can't answer, you get £50."

They begin. He asks her: "What's the capital of India?"

"I don't know..." she says, and hands him a fiver.

She asks him back: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"

"I don't know", he says, and reluctantly gives her 50 quid.

"What is it then?"

"I don't know", she says, and hands him another fiver.

O_O What could possibly be so disgusting abouta man and woman sex. Apart from all the sperms flying everywhere.......

Hang on....Urgh! That's sick

And lol that joke was funny xD

 

[Erichermit]

Soviet Russia jokes are classic;

Spoiler: In Soviet Russia

In America, you watch television.
In Soviet Russia, television watches you!

In America, you catch a cold.
In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!

In America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, Party finds you!

In America, you find Waldo.
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you!

In Soviet Russia, Cthulhu is turned horribly mad and ends his days raving in an asylum because of YOU

 

[Emtch]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap in the forest. Then the bear asks the rabbit:
"Don't you think it's annoying when the shit gets stuck in the fur?"
"No, not really" the rabbit replies.
"Good" says the bear, then he picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

 

[Jason]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap in the forest. Then the bear asks the rabbit:
"Don't you think it's annoying when the shit gets stuck in the fur?"
"No, not really" the rabbit replies.
"Good" says the bear, then he picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

LOL !!!

A man and his wife are playing golf, and the wife hits the ball and it smashes through a house window, They both go and knock on the door, and a man comes out, the husband says:
"My wife hit a golfball and smashed your window"
the man replies "Oh thankyou, you've saved me ! I'm a genie, you now get 1 wish each !"
The woman wishes for £5 million ($10M)
The husband wishes for £10 million ($20M)
The man says "But theres a catch, you have to let me shag your wife, I know it's wierd, but it's a rule"
The husband is confused but then says "Well wife, I'll forgive you, i mean, it's alot of money"
The man takes the wife upstairs, ten minutes later, they both return.
The man asks the husband "How old are you ?"
"35"
"And your wife ?"
"32"
The man replies "And you still believe in genies ?"

---

A boy wakes up in the middle of the night, and hears banging in his parents bedroom, he walks in and their having sex, he says to his dad "Get off my mam ! I can hear you from the other room !", the dad refuses and tells him to fuck off.
5 minutes later, the dad hears banging coming from downstairs, so he stops, and goes down...
The kid is having sex with his nanan/grandma, and says "You don't like it when I fuck YOUR mam do you !"

---
This one might be racist

A paki rides a donkey into a pub carpark, and a drinker says
"Nice donkey"
"Thankyou"
"What sex is it ?"
"Female"
"How do you know?"
"Well, when I was riding it here, atleast 20 people shouted "Look at that smelly cunt on that donkey""

---
Another one that might be racist

A blackman runs to his doctors
"Help me, I can't stop jogging, it's horrible !"
The doctor puts two lines of white powder on a desk and says "Snort this"
So the blackman snorts both lines
"FUCKING HELL THATS GOOD, Is that Cocaine ?"
"Nope, It's persil, guarenteed to stop colours running !"

 

[Emtch]

Lol @ all four jokes.

John and Mike are out fishing. After a while they both really need to go piss. So they go into the forest to do so. John asks Mike: "How come yours is so long?" and Mike answers:
"Every night efore I go to sleep I bang it into the bed three times.
When John gets home that night, he bangs it into the bed three times, and his wife says:
"Hi, Mike"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one might be a little racist

A turkish man visits the doctor
Doctor: What's wrong?
Man: Well, the problem is that everytime I have sex with a white woman my eyes hurt like hell.
Doctor: Ah I see... You know, pepperspray works that way.

 

[Grathea]

I'm going to revive this thread.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!â€

 

[Despain]

who the fuck moved this shitty topic into this forum

the rules clearly say NO SHITTY JOKES and thats what this whole topic is.

 

[Anonymous]

why chicks are shy

 

[Venetia]

;-;

fk u i unlocked/moved it back

i like joke's ;-;

 

[Jason]

Umm, who is unified young armenians ?

I've NEVER heard of or seen that person online until today, and the only post I saw, which was before the one on here, was http://rmxp.org/forums/index.php?topic=44167.0, is he/she wierd or something ?

 

[Venetia]

Umm, who is unified young armenians ?

I've NEVER heard of or seen that person online until today, and the only post I saw, which was before the one on here, was http://rmxp.org/forums/index.php?topic=44167.0, is he/she wierd or something ?

hint: rhymes with "spelock"

 

[Chalupa]

What do you call nuts on a wall?  Wallnuts

What do you call nuts on your chest?  Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on your chin?  Dick in your mouth!!

 

[ljackstar]

sorry if this was already posted but i think i got some good ones
1-what do you call i man with no ars or legs in the water
Bob
2- what do you call i man with no ars or legs infront of a door-mat
3

Spoiler: joke3

A man goes out to a bar a gets super drunk. So to help him ge to sleep he bring some bottles of beer home by putting them in his back poket. As he us going up the stairs at his house he falls down the stairs and cuts up his back. So he goes and puts bandages on. The next morning his wife says "you were drinking last night wern't you?"
The man replied" how did you know"
"Well my first clue was the bandaids all over the bathroom mirror...

Spoiler: joke 4

A man goes out and has sweet sex with another woman he meets at a bar. Afteer they are done screwing each other the man asks for some baby powder.
The next day his wife ask where he had been. Then she said," Show me your hands" and he did and she replied
"YOU LIER YOU WERE OUT BOWLING AGAIN!

Last one

Spoiler: last joke

2 cowboys are hunting for buffalo when one puts his ear to the ground and says "buffalo been here" And the cowboy asked how he knew and the first cowboy said "ear sticky"

 

[moog]

Oh my god, these jokes fucking suck. I think:

What do you call nuts on a wall?  Wallnuts

What do you call nuts on your chest?  Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on your chin?  Dick in your mouth!!

This one killed it. I mean, oh god these are corny.

 

[Me(tm)]

It's white and if it falls out a tree, your refridgerator is broken

Spoiler: lame-answer

Your refridgerator

At the WC the delegate of China is going to beat all the Bicycle racing World Records. What's his name?

Spoiler

Do Ping

What's too long in your wallet and too short around your dick and is not a condom?

Spoiler

Girlfriends

 

[e]

That last one wasn't funny, but true. :|