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An old man was drinking at the bar one night, and decided to call it quits. So he tells the bartender to tell his wife that he was never here if she called, and went to get up. He falls on his face. Confused, he crawls forward a bit, then tries to get up again. Once more, he falls on his face. Swearing, he decides to just crawl home. In the morning he is awoken by his wife's shrill scream.
"Ye've been drinkin' again, ye damfool!"
Surprised, bud determined to brave it out, he replies.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make ’em all ugly again."
A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors.
Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.
A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.
Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.
She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.
Now this the lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...
You are the 3,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this shows how hard women are to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.
Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.
So, a guy walks into the store and on the first floor sees the following sign: "Women who like sex".
Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are rich."
No man has ever gone to the third floor.
Vinny's lived a long life of sin and corruption, and now that he's dead, he's gone down to hell. The devil comes up to him and says:
"Hey Vinny, big fan of yours. Hey, you like drugs?"
Vinny, a little startled, responds "Yeah, why?"
"Well, every Monday, we have a giant drug party. Coke, pot, whatever, you name it we've got it. And if you OD, no biggie! You're already dead! Drugs all day long."
"That's pretty cool."
The devil then says "Oh, that's nothing... you like to drink?"
"Do I ever!"
"Well then, you're gonna love Tuesdays. We've got every single kind of alcohol here, and you can drink as much as you want. Beer, whiskey, tequila, even absinthe! Alcohol all day long."
Vinny is starting to like it down in hell.
"By the way, Vinny, you like gay sex?"
"What? Hell no."
"Oh. You're going to hate Wednesdays."
What do u call a Dear with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no fucking Idear
(for those of you who've never been to New England, "Idear" is how allot of people with a thick maine accent say "Idea" so it sounds llot funnyer when the right person says the joke)
