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I'm a self-deprecating sort. Generally I cannot fairly analyse my own work. This next bit I dunno if it is actually any good, hence why it is not finished. If people could say whether they think it is any good, and do feel free to compare it to the other two scripts I posted in this thread as I do like consistency!
As you can see it really isn't anything. It's an idea for a scene that I really liked, but I don't wish to continue if what I have written so far is bad- I'd rather retry from the start of the scene.
[Scene: We are once again the apartment. The characters are sat around waiting for William to return after running off. Abbey and Carl are sat watching TV, Isabella is next to Carl but asleep]
TV NARRATOR: ...unveiled by conceptual artist Tracey Emin.
CARL: Abbey?
ABBEY: Mm?
CARL: Tracey Emin, yes or no.
ABBEY: Carl, she's like 45. More than that she's skin and bones there's nothing there to be interested in. It'd be almost a perversion given the age difference.
CARL: I know that, but she always seems to have a certain angle that makes her look almost completely different.
ABBEY: Yes, well, if you believe you can get a neck brace for her to wear so she maintains that angle 24/7 then please do go ahead.
CARL: No I know, but she must therefore be more attractive in the flesh then. I mean, come on, I thought you guys were into all sorts of arty farty kinky stuff.
ABBEY: You guys? Would that be
TV NARRATOR: ...unveiled by conceptual artist Tracey Emin.
CARL: Abbey?
ABBEY: Mm?
CARL: Tracey Emin, yes or no.
ABBEY: Carl, she's like 45. More than that she's skin and bones there's nothing there to be interested in. It'd be almost a perversion given the age difference.
CARL: I know that, but she always seems to have a certain angle that makes her look almost completely different.
ABBEY: Yes, well, if you believe you can get a neck brace for her to wear so she maintains that angle 24/7 then please do go ahead.
CARL: No I know, but she must therefore be more attractive in the flesh then. I mean, come on, I thought you guys were into all sorts of arty farty kinky stuff.
ABBEY: You guys? Would that be
As you can see it really isn't anything. It's an idea for a scene that I really liked, but I don't wish to continue if what I have written so far is bad- I'd rather retry from the start of the scene.
@holloway:
I like it.
It seems like the kind of absolutely pointless talk two friends would have in front of the TV - and that's a pretty good way to get the characterization going. There is so much you can say about characters with this type of scene without actually saying anything directly. It's a good approach.
I do find some parts a little awkward, though. For example, Abbey seems to jump between two thoughts in the second line (the skinny and the age). I wonder if it might be more natural to go with something like:
Are they college students? Their speech seems kind of academic and proper, so it's fitting if this is the case. Still, it might not be too bad to make it a little more casual and familiar. You want to be careful to not have the two come off like they're arrogant and pretentious (unless that's the direction you're going in with the characters).
I'd be interested in seeing more
I like it.
It seems like the kind of absolutely pointless talk two friends would have in front of the TV - and that's a pretty good way to get the characterization going. There is so much you can say about characters with this type of scene without actually saying anything directly. It's a good approach.
I do find some parts a little awkward, though. For example, Abbey seems to jump between two thoughts in the second line (the skinny and the age). I wonder if it might be more natural to go with something like:
"She looks like an expensive piece of leather stretched over bones. There's nothing there to be interested in. And she's what? 45? It'd be almost a perversion given the age difference."
I'd be interested in seeing more
Hmm..You have a good point there. That line does look kinda stunted, so I'll work on that. As for the speech, they are indeed University (US College) students but it is also set in a country that is quite modern, but also English Edwardian in many respects. Hope that isn't confusing- especially given there is Historical French architecture and culture thrown in too!
Edit: And I'll up a script from an actual bit of action in a bit.
Edit: And I'll up a script from an actual bit of action in a bit.
----Synopsis(Monologue)----
It's been two years now, since I've seen them. That day...I slew my brother and my father...though, I did not agree with my decision it was a necessity. The atrocities that they had committed were...too great.
That night I stumbled upon that which was not meant for my eyes to witness. The walls were lined with barbed cages and kept within these iron-clad cages were..small children and standing in front of these cages..My brother, Wolfgang and my father, Amadeus. It couldn't be true...my kin could not have committed this crime? Could they? I didn't want to believe it, but in the end I knew it was true. While they lay on the ground their heads disembodied I watched in terror as the children looked at me out of their cages. Using what sanity I had left, I released the children from their prison, even kept a child for myself. His name, Edward.
I ran, I ran way from my fathers lab and never looked back. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I wasn't going to stay there. I still don't know where I'll go. But one thing is for sure. I will care for Edward and repent for this horrible sin I have committed.
----Scene 01----
*Screen starts in front of an old looking house int he middle of a large wood. It starts raining 30 frames into the sc ene. A dark figure enters the frame*
????:Edward? Edward, come on.
*a small cloaked figure walks into the frame*
Edward: Papa. Papa! Papa! Papa!
????: Keep it down a bit, okay?
Edward: Papa....gomen papa.
*Dark figure turns upward to stare at the house*
????: We need to rest for the night, and there's so sense trying to set up camp in this rayne (Yes it's meant to be like that).
Edward: Papa.
????: Come, Edward. I have a bad feeling about this place.
Edward: *Sneeze8 Pa-*cough*pa. Papa?
????:*Sigh* Come on then, it's worth a try.
*The two walk up to the house and knock on the door, but no one answers*
????: Hmmm...that's odd...
*you can hear rustling coming from inside*
????: Hm? Edward, stand back!
Edward: PAPA!
*???? kicks the door in and rushes inside*
????: What's going on here...oh my...god.
*You see two bodies cut in half and a young girl lying in front of a burning fire*
????: What...happened here? Miss?
Girl: They came...so quickly....they...killed them....
????: Miss? Who did this?
*the girl turns to look at you*
Girl: A man and a woman....they came into the house...and killed my parents. They rushed out the back door when you knocked.
????: I'll go find them!
*the girl smiles*
Girl: Really!? I'll accompany you. I may know which way they went.
????: I don't know...
Girl: Please?
???? Alright. Edward, come along.
Edward: Papa!
----End Scene 01----
----Characters so far----
Name: Oren Walsh
Age: 24
Eye colour: Dark Green
Hair colour: Brown
Weapon of Choice: Broadsword
Magical Ability: Remedium
Class: Swordsman
Bio: Oren Walsh, was born in the capital city of Armadia where his family lived as one of the most wealthiest families in all of Aramadia. His father and older brother were both famous scientists who were fascinated with the human DNA and sought ways to alter it. Oren, the youngest of 4 children was always distant from his family and deemed their wealth as blood money. Like the rest of his brothers he was forced to learn sword arts at a young age.
Name: Edward(Walsh)
Age: Presumably 6
Eye colour: Bright Blue
Hair colour: Jet Black
Weapon: N/A
Magical Ability: N/A
Class: Child
Bio: Not much is known about Edward, only that he was a subject of Oren's fathers research. Edward is an energetic and obedient young boy. He is only able to say one word "Papa".
It's been two years now, since I've seen them. That day...I slew my brother and my father...though, I did not agree with my decision it was a necessity. The atrocities that they had committed were...too great.
That night I stumbled upon that which was not meant for my eyes to witness. The walls were lined with barbed cages and kept within these iron-clad cages were..small children and standing in front of these cages..My brother, Wolfgang and my father, Amadeus. It couldn't be true...my kin could not have committed this crime? Could they? I didn't want to believe it, but in the end I knew it was true. While they lay on the ground their heads disembodied I watched in terror as the children looked at me out of their cages. Using what sanity I had left, I released the children from their prison, even kept a child for myself. His name, Edward.
I ran, I ran way from my fathers lab and never looked back. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I wasn't going to stay there. I still don't know where I'll go. But one thing is for sure. I will care for Edward and repent for this horrible sin I have committed.
----Scene 01----
*Screen starts in front of an old looking house int he middle of a large wood. It starts raining 30 frames into the sc ene. A dark figure enters the frame*
????:Edward? Edward, come on.
*a small cloaked figure walks into the frame*
Edward: Papa. Papa! Papa! Papa!
????: Keep it down a bit, okay?
Edward: Papa....gomen papa.
*Dark figure turns upward to stare at the house*
????: We need to rest for the night, and there's so sense trying to set up camp in this rayne (Yes it's meant to be like that).
Edward: Papa.
????: Come, Edward. I have a bad feeling about this place.
Edward: *Sneeze8 Pa-*cough*pa. Papa?
????:*Sigh* Come on then, it's worth a try.
*The two walk up to the house and knock on the door, but no one answers*
????: Hmmm...that's odd...
*you can hear rustling coming from inside*
????: Hm? Edward, stand back!
Edward: PAPA!
*???? kicks the door in and rushes inside*
????: What's going on here...oh my...god.
*You see two bodies cut in half and a young girl lying in front of a burning fire*
????: What...happened here? Miss?
Girl: They came...so quickly....they...killed them....
????: Miss? Who did this?
*the girl turns to look at you*
Girl: A man and a woman....they came into the house...and killed my parents. They rushed out the back door when you knocked.
????: I'll go find them!
*the girl smiles*
Girl: Really!? I'll accompany you. I may know which way they went.
????: I don't know...
Girl: Please?
???? Alright. Edward, come along.
Edward: Papa!
----End Scene 01----
----Characters so far----
Name: Oren Walsh
Age: 24
Eye colour: Dark Green
Hair colour: Brown
Weapon of Choice: Broadsword
Magical Ability: Remedium
Class: Swordsman
Bio: Oren Walsh, was born in the capital city of Armadia where his family lived as one of the most wealthiest families in all of Aramadia. His father and older brother were both famous scientists who were fascinated with the human DNA and sought ways to alter it. Oren, the youngest of 4 children was always distant from his family and deemed their wealth as blood money. Like the rest of his brothers he was forced to learn sword arts at a young age.
Name: Edward(Walsh)
Age: Presumably 6
Eye colour: Bright Blue
Hair colour: Jet Black
Weapon: N/A
Magical Ability: N/A
Class: Child
Bio: Not much is known about Edward, only that he was a subject of Oren's fathers research. Edward is an energetic and obedient young boy. He is only able to say one word "Papa".
@ holloway:
Modern/futuristic with a retro flair? I like the sound of that.
What kind of graphics are you using and is there a thread up about the project?
@ malick:
Firstly, there are some grammar and syntax errors that you'll want to look into. They give emphasis to words you don't want emphasized, so they just feel weird.
Secondly, if the story synopsis is a letter, you will want to change it and make it less vague. When people are writing letters, they have the time to put into saying what they want to say, so it tends to be quite bit less fragmented. The only exception is notes written in a hurry, or written when the person is incapacitated in some way (due to an illness, tiredness or insanity for example). The synopsis reads a lot more like a confession or monologue of some sort - people tend to be vague and pause a lot in this instance.
Lastly, I find it so strange that ???? (Oren?) would let a stranger come along with him. He seems more guarded and prudent (given his tragic past anyway), so maybe you could rework the scene so that the girl somehow forces him to take her along.
Oh, and Edward says "gomen Papa" (5th line). I thought he could only say one word.
Modern/futuristic with a retro flair? I like the sound of that.
What kind of graphics are you using and is there a thread up about the project?
@ malick:
Firstly, there are some grammar and syntax errors that you'll want to look into. They give emphasis to words you don't want emphasized, so they just feel weird.
Secondly, if the story synopsis is a letter, you will want to change it and make it less vague. When people are writing letters, they have the time to put into saying what they want to say, so it tends to be quite bit less fragmented. The only exception is notes written in a hurry, or written when the person is incapacitated in some way (due to an illness, tiredness or insanity for example). The synopsis reads a lot more like a confession or monologue of some sort - people tend to be vague and pause a lot in this instance.
Lastly, I find it so strange that ???? (Oren?) would let a stranger come along with him. He seems more guarded and prudent (given his tragic past anyway), so maybe you could rework the scene so that the girl somehow forces him to take her along.
Oh, and Edward says "gomen Papa" (5th line). I thought he could only say one word.
Not sure if this goes here since I have the first few minutes of the game done..well besides making the maps look better, but here we go.
Plot:
After the defeat of the vampire lord Lurina at the hand of the angel queen, the vampire nation was split into seven warring parts. Each led by a vampire claiming to be the rightful heir. The angel queen, fearing the vampire nation reuniting and again attacking the lands of men, attacked during this disarray. You are the vampire lord Necros, having escaped an attack on your castle home, you find yourself alone, you minnions dead or scattered. You now have to find allies, fight the other vampire lords to gain dominance over the vampire nation, and seek your revenge agenst the angel queen.
First sceen: (already completed)
You start out sitting in your throne, a hooded minion runs up to you, warning you the castle has been breeched and that you must escape. A soldier walks up behind the minion killing him, you are then drawn into your first fight. After killing the soldier you are free to move around, you will eventually make your way to the main entrance of a castle and witness an explosion as you enter the room, fire now blocks the exit, a skelton minion in the room tells you of a switch in one of the pillars in the treasure room (which up till now couldn't be activated) finding your way there you flip the switch and enter one of the castles towers. Navigating that, you will eventually find a door leading to the outside world....
Characters so far
Necros
age: unknown
eye color: silver
hair color: white
weapon of choice: sword
class: vampire
Bio: One of the seven vampire lords fighting for domince of the vampire nation. His castle is one of the first attacked by the angel queen, and he sets out on a quest for revenge.
Other characters not fleshed out yet:
A demon warrior who will join you
A succubus who will join you
six vampire lords who may be enemies or allies
the angel queen the main "villan"
Plot:
After the defeat of the vampire lord Lurina at the hand of the angel queen, the vampire nation was split into seven warring parts. Each led by a vampire claiming to be the rightful heir. The angel queen, fearing the vampire nation reuniting and again attacking the lands of men, attacked during this disarray. You are the vampire lord Necros, having escaped an attack on your castle home, you find yourself alone, you minnions dead or scattered. You now have to find allies, fight the other vampire lords to gain dominance over the vampire nation, and seek your revenge agenst the angel queen.
First sceen: (already completed)
You start out sitting in your throne, a hooded minion runs up to you, warning you the castle has been breeched and that you must escape. A soldier walks up behind the minion killing him, you are then drawn into your first fight. After killing the soldier you are free to move around, you will eventually make your way to the main entrance of a castle and witness an explosion as you enter the room, fire now blocks the exit, a skelton minion in the room tells you of a switch in one of the pillars in the treasure room (which up till now couldn't be activated) finding your way there you flip the switch and enter one of the castles towers. Navigating that, you will eventually find a door leading to the outside world....
Characters so far
Necros
age: unknown
eye color: silver
hair color: white
weapon of choice: sword
class: vampire
Bio: One of the seven vampire lords fighting for domince of the vampire nation. His castle is one of the first attacked by the angel queen, and he sets out on a quest for revenge.
Other characters not fleshed out yet:
A demon warrior who will join you
A succubus who will join you
six vampire lords who may be enemies or allies
the angel queen the main "villan"
Princess Shine
Member
@ sabrem82: What bothers me is the obvious discrepancy between the stated and likely demonstrated level of power in Vampy. I except him to start at level 1, in spite of his lordly status, and it's just off-putting. Disgaia had a quaint way of rationalizing that, note Laharl being comatose for x amount of years, and in normal society, it's not not strange to have a physically weak leader. Evil Land would probably be more law-of-the-jungle, so that's the issue you'd have to work with. That said, Bureaucratic Hell is an incredibly cute concept.
My personal advice is not to try too hard to make everything look bloody evil and dark, and maybe do a bit of research on demons. There's so much fun to be had in Wikipedia, or at least find a Shin Megami Tensei-based game for some inspiration. Hell is actually kind of boring, if it's the same old black-clad crew.
My personal advice is not to try too hard to make everything look bloody evil and dark, and maybe do a bit of research on demons. There's so much fun to be had in Wikipedia, or at least find a Shin Megami Tensei-based game for some inspiration. Hell is actually kind of boring, if it's the same old black-clad crew.
Well I've started my game, and thought I'd post a little bit here for some critique...
So! The game is set 9 years after that, our hero Rayne is 21 and his good friend who may be named Dawn (who was the bride at the start) is 26. Old dude is about 60. Storyline evident here, we gotta fiqure out where the monsters came from, and get rid of them. Hard task that. But I'm not going to go into detail for that, I'm just going to give some world history that part of will be told in a wee scrolling text thing after the above prologue. You don't have to read this, cause it'll kill some stuff in the game, you could just wait a couple weeks until i release the prologue as a demo. But whatever.
So yes, the wall is fading, that's how the monsters are getting through. The power of the first stone is slowly breaking. The same is happening to the others. I'm not really sure what I'll call it, maybe something lame like 'remnants.' So! What do y'all think?
Start scene opens on a wedding. Goes on a little, then oH NoEs!!! Some big explosions! Everybody runs to the side to see what's going on, when a wolf bandit runs in to (quite rudely) inform them that there are giant lizards afoot! (Actually he asks if anyone knew why the fuck a giant lizard holding swords smashed up his wee camp, but still. (Meanwhile, something nifty happens up the top of the screen.)) He then runs off. Everybody crowds around, getting scared, but the groom soon gets the wedding going again. Except... The minister is gone! The nifty thing that happened previously was a yellow Aquatic 02 came down and nicked off with him. We scroll up to see his mangled corpse!
Suddenly, 6 of them headed by a bigger, horned version. He shouts 'Attack!' as the groom (who is obviously a leaderly sort) shouts to draw swords! The screen fades to black as the lizards charge. Sounds of clashing swords, and screams. Screen comes back just in time to see the bride hiding behind her husband, the leader of the lizards bearing down on them. Around them are dead people, all the wedding guests and the small lizards. The big lizard wounds the groom badly, Then the groom kills him. The grooms wound is fatal, so he tells his just-made-wife to run and warn people. So she does.
Suddenly, 6 of them headed by a bigger, horned version. He shouts 'Attack!' as the groom (who is obviously a leaderly sort) shouts to draw swords! The screen fades to black as the lizards charge. Sounds of clashing swords, and screams. Screen comes back just in time to see the bride hiding behind her husband, the leader of the lizards bearing down on them. Around them are dead people, all the wedding guests and the small lizards. The big lizard wounds the groom badly, Then the groom kills him. The grooms wound is fatal, so he tells his just-made-wife to run and warn people. So she does.
We open on a young boy (who happens to be 12) strolling down a street and then into a house. In the house is his elderly (50ish) friend. They discuss reports of whole villages slaughtered down south, Boy is worried, but old guy says it'll never happen in the capital. Suddenly, there is yelling outside so they run out to see what it is. And it's the bride chick from scene 1! She's demanding an audience with the King. She tells him about lizards, he panics and sends a rally for his entire army to go check out the menace down south. A few days later (You get to do some interesting tutorial-ish activities) The town is attacked! Big monsters i haven't decided on yet, but the town gets owned. Heaps of people get killed, but some people (including our 2 friends) hide in the sewer. We see them flee down a tunnel until they come into a small cavern. Young boy says 'These monsters...' Screen fades to black then he says 'where did they come from?'
So! The game is set 9 years after that, our hero Rayne is 21 and his good friend who may be named Dawn (who was the bride at the start) is 26. Old dude is about 60. Storyline evident here, we gotta fiqure out where the monsters came from, and get rid of them. Hard task that. But I'm not going to go into detail for that, I'm just going to give some world history that part of will be told in a wee scrolling text thing after the above prologue. You don't have to read this, cause it'll kill some stuff in the game, you could just wait a couple weeks until i release the prologue as a demo. But whatever.
Well, 2000ish years ago the world was full of lots and lots of different creatures, including Humans. They all lived in a massive wasteland, and most of the animals snacked on humans, who were the underdogs. They were so crap, so weak, until they discovered something the others didn't have: Magic. They used their magic to kill many creatures, to teach them they were a force to be reckoned with. Which was thick, because the others realized we were a threat and banded together to wage war on us. They didn't have magic, but there were a lot more of them, so it wasn't long before we realized that we were all going to die. So five of the greatest of the human mages cast great spells to create a sanctuary. The first, a barrier, a spell of protection to cloak the new world from the monsters wrath. The second turned the mud and dirt into fertile land, with grass and trees. The third created animals for us to farm, cows, sheep, goats. The fourth created water, filled with fish. The fifth forced his magic upon the remnants of humanity, healing them of the damage that had been done, and taking their magic from them so they would never again make such a grave mistake. They sealed their bodies into great stones which would preserve them and thus the spells they had woven.
So yes, the wall is fading, that's how the monsters are getting through. The power of the first stone is slowly breaking. The same is happening to the others. I'm not really sure what I'll call it, maybe something lame like 'remnants.' So! What do y'all think?
In this world, people do not dream. When they sleep, they do not see or hear anything.
Aidan Grieve, a young "treasure hunter" of probably 30 years of age, and Father Eugene Banks, a priest probably twice as old, are currently seeking The Sphere of Phantasos, an ancient and rare treasure.
From a series of flashbacks told before the first "dungeon", we learn that Aidan Grieve went to jail 7 years ago. He got out after 4 years, and, after finding that his former companions either died or had went their own way, he begins to search for a new treasure, 'The Sphere of Phantasos', on a rumor he picked up while in jail.
In another flash back, we learn that Aidan had found the location of the Sphere, but that the key to it had already been obtained by "a man with a red eye"
In the third and final flash back, we learn that Eugene Banks was the man who had obtained the key. Although Aidan would've of liked to simply steal the key, this was not possible. For the key was not an object, but merely a symbols on the hand of the priest. Realizing he only had one way to obtain the treasure, he kidnaps the Priest and threatens him, his family, and even those has has helped with death. The Priest, who seems apathetic about the entire situation, agrees to go with him, partly out of curiosity.
And now, we arrive at our present story. Aidan and Eugene are in a forest, where they have been for 13 days. In order to gain entry to where the treasure lies, one must live in the forest for 2 weeks, reciting a chant every night - Niveus Ventus...Atrum Terra...Viridis Silva...Tertius Deus...Tertius Deus...Nos relinquo nostrum somnium vos
After doing so and opening the entrance of the temple, they find the treasure to be a little less promising then Aidan thought it would be. It was bigger than their hand, but it was light - hollow, not thick.
Eugene is able to make out one or two of the ancient words written on it - and with that, he learns that the true treasure lies within the sphere.
Although Aidan no longer needs Eugene, Eugene decides to go with him. His curiosity is peaked. And thus, the two set off to discover the mystery of the treasure.
Main Characters
Aidan Grieve
Age - Approximately 30
Weapon/Skills - One-handed sword/Katana
Occupation - Thief ("Treasure Hunter")
A man who is a self-proclaimed "Treasure Hunter", although often those treasures belong to others.
Eugene Banks
Age - Approximately 65
Weapon/Skills - Crosses/Artifacts/Holy Magic
Occupation - Wandering Priest
A wandering priest who has grown somewhat apathetic of the world, he originally went on this quest out of curiosity, but later realizes that this quest means a lot more to him
Sophia Clark
Age - 12
Weapon/Skills - Staves/Elemental Magic
Occupation - Student
A student who began studying magic ever since she was a little, she is unique in that, for some reason, she experiences dreams, something her parents keep a secret.
Elizabeth Roth
Age - Late 20s/Early 30s
Weapon/Skills - Broad Sword/ Some Magic
Occupation - Knight
A member of the Golden Order, a private group of Knights who apprehend criminals. Once a knight in the official order of the country, she was partly responsible for apprehending Aidan 7 years ago.
Nihil
Age - ??? (Appears mid-twenties)
Weapon/Skills - ???
Occupation - ???
A man whose overall goal is unknown, but seeks "The Sphere of Phantasos". Aidan recognizes him from somewhere, but can't put his finger on it. He is the main antagonist.
____________________________________
I realize it starts off a little slow, but I think that if its presented well enough and can maintain a sense of interest and mystery, it will be good.
Aidan Grieve, a young "treasure hunter" of probably 30 years of age, and Father Eugene Banks, a priest probably twice as old, are currently seeking The Sphere of Phantasos, an ancient and rare treasure.
From a series of flashbacks told before the first "dungeon", we learn that Aidan Grieve went to jail 7 years ago. He got out after 4 years, and, after finding that his former companions either died or had went their own way, he begins to search for a new treasure, 'The Sphere of Phantasos', on a rumor he picked up while in jail.
In another flash back, we learn that Aidan had found the location of the Sphere, but that the key to it had already been obtained by "a man with a red eye"
In the third and final flash back, we learn that Eugene Banks was the man who had obtained the key. Although Aidan would've of liked to simply steal the key, this was not possible. For the key was not an object, but merely a symbols on the hand of the priest. Realizing he only had one way to obtain the treasure, he kidnaps the Priest and threatens him, his family, and even those has has helped with death. The Priest, who seems apathetic about the entire situation, agrees to go with him, partly out of curiosity.
And now, we arrive at our present story. Aidan and Eugene are in a forest, where they have been for 13 days. In order to gain entry to where the treasure lies, one must live in the forest for 2 weeks, reciting a chant every night - Niveus Ventus...Atrum Terra...Viridis Silva...Tertius Deus...Tertius Deus...Nos relinquo nostrum somnium vos
After doing so and opening the entrance of the temple, they find the treasure to be a little less promising then Aidan thought it would be. It was bigger than their hand, but it was light - hollow, not thick.
Eugene is able to make out one or two of the ancient words written on it - and with that, he learns that the true treasure lies within the sphere.
Although Aidan no longer needs Eugene, Eugene decides to go with him. His curiosity is peaked. And thus, the two set off to discover the mystery of the treasure.
Main Characters
Aidan Grieve
Age - Approximately 30
Weapon/Skills - One-handed sword/Katana
Occupation - Thief ("Treasure Hunter")
A man who is a self-proclaimed "Treasure Hunter", although often those treasures belong to others.
Eugene Banks
Age - Approximately 65
Weapon/Skills - Crosses/Artifacts/Holy Magic
Occupation - Wandering Priest
A wandering priest who has grown somewhat apathetic of the world, he originally went on this quest out of curiosity, but later realizes that this quest means a lot more to him
Sophia Clark
Age - 12
Weapon/Skills - Staves/Elemental Magic
Occupation - Student
A student who began studying magic ever since she was a little, she is unique in that, for some reason, she experiences dreams, something her parents keep a secret.
Elizabeth Roth
Age - Late 20s/Early 30s
Weapon/Skills - Broad Sword/ Some Magic
Occupation - Knight
A member of the Golden Order, a private group of Knights who apprehend criminals. Once a knight in the official order of the country, she was partly responsible for apprehending Aidan 7 years ago.
Nihil
Age - ??? (Appears mid-twenties)
Weapon/Skills - ???
Occupation - ???
A man whose overall goal is unknown, but seeks "The Sphere of Phantasos". Aidan recognizes him from somewhere, but can't put his finger on it. He is the main antagonist.
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I realize it starts off a little slow, but I think that if its presented well enough and can maintain a sense of interest and mystery, it will be good.
Well, the actual aim of the game is to stop Nihil, who wishes to change the world back to its original form - nothingness.
However, throughout the game, you learn more about the characters history, past, e.t.c. Although there is the main story, there are several other side stories. Also, there are 4 other main characters, though based on your decision you will only get to keep 2 of them. However, to ensure you have a well-rounded party, the initial party consists of the healing-type, the magic-type, the fast-attacker-type, and the slow-but-stronger-attacker-type.
The other 4 characters will be more unique. One of them is a wolf-man who can transform into a beast like state. One other is a mercenary who uses a handful of gadgets.
I admit, the premise isn't one of those games that screams out "YOU WANT TO PLAY ME", but hopefully the presentation of the game and its characters will be enough for people. After all, a lot of great RPGs have uninteresting premises. I believe in the philosophy that you can't judge a game until you actually play it.
However, throughout the game, you learn more about the characters history, past, e.t.c. Although there is the main story, there are several other side stories. Also, there are 4 other main characters, though based on your decision you will only get to keep 2 of them. However, to ensure you have a well-rounded party, the initial party consists of the healing-type, the magic-type, the fast-attacker-type, and the slow-but-stronger-attacker-type.
The other 4 characters will be more unique. One of them is a wolf-man who can transform into a beast like state. One other is a mercenary who uses a handful of gadgets.
I admit, the premise isn't one of those games that screams out "YOU WANT TO PLAY ME", but hopefully the presentation of the game and its characters will be enough for people. After all, a lot of great RPGs have uninteresting premises. I believe in the philosophy that you can't judge a game until you actually play it.
@ kaze950:
I find that the idea of a priest being apathetic and perhaps even uncaring is very interesting and unique. Priests are stereotypically either very kind and caring, or completely corrupted and evil. I like that Eugene doesn't really fit into either. It brings an element of humanity to it and changes the religious undertone - or even the religion itself.
The plot idea that Nihil wants to change the world back into nothingness sounds alright, but it's not as exciting. Of course, there is significant detail lacking, so I can't really tell if it sounds overdone. I'm hoping that you're considering making the "world back into nothingness" a byproduct to something else.
For example, there are terrible natural disasters that are tearing up the world. In an effort to save the planet, Nihil is trying to use an ancient artifact that would "restore the world to it's initial natural state". But this is a misunderstanding as the "initial" state of the world is nothingness. With this scenario, you could really get into the morality and religion part of the game as well as the history.
Lastly, Elizabeth just sounds great! So many of the melee/knight characters are male that it's very refreshing to see a female one
I find that the idea of a priest being apathetic and perhaps even uncaring is very interesting and unique. Priests are stereotypically either very kind and caring, or completely corrupted and evil. I like that Eugene doesn't really fit into either. It brings an element of humanity to it and changes the religious undertone - or even the religion itself.
The plot idea that Nihil wants to change the world back into nothingness sounds alright, but it's not as exciting. Of course, there is significant detail lacking, so I can't really tell if it sounds overdone. I'm hoping that you're considering making the "world back into nothingness" a byproduct to something else.
For example, there are terrible natural disasters that are tearing up the world. In an effort to save the planet, Nihil is trying to use an ancient artifact that would "restore the world to it's initial natural state". But this is a misunderstanding as the "initial" state of the world is nothingness. With this scenario, you could really get into the morality and religion part of the game as well as the history.
Lastly, Elizabeth just sounds great! So many of the melee/knight characters are male that it's very refreshing to see a female one
007snicker
Member
I'm making a game like fable (good and evil, more than one end ect)
and i made a start for it, you "write" the story by playing.
STORYTELLER: Long, long ago, in ??????, there was a wood-cutters son named LackP).
One day his familly got killed by the evil king, since that day he wanted revenge.
The first thing he was going to do was search people who wanted to join his revolt.
It's to cliche?
Choose Yes or No
YOU: >YES
STORYTELLER: hmpf, let's see if you can do it better.
YOU: >NO
STORYTELLER: Yes it is you fool! I'm shure you could do it better!
STORYTELLER: I'll give you a beginning.
It's 1163 AD, the young prince of ?????? wants to become king,
The problems is he has 2 brothers that want exactly the same.
His father will chose who of them will become the next king.
you can become good and evil (depends on what you do (the 7 heavenly virtues, the 7 deadly sins)).
WHEN YOU'RE EVIL: People run away and scream, everything is burning and destroyed, other ending, you become better in dark magic, other quests and a devil helps you
WHEN YOU'RE GOOD: People clap for you and run to you, environment is perfect, other ending. you become better in holy magic, other quests and a angel helps you.
FIRST QUEST: A young wood-cutters son has started a revolt!
you have to stop him!
and i made a start for it, you "write" the story by playing.
STORYTELLER: Long, long ago, in ??????, there was a wood-cutters son named Lack
P).One day his familly got killed by the evil king, since that day he wanted revenge.
The first thing he was going to do was search people who wanted to join his revolt.
It's to cliche?
Choose Yes or No
YOU: >YES
STORYTELLER: hmpf, let's see if you can do it better.
YOU: >NO
STORYTELLER: Yes it is you fool! I'm shure you could do it better!
STORYTELLER: I'll give you a beginning.
It's 1163 AD, the young prince of ?????? wants to become king,
The problems is he has 2 brothers that want exactly the same.
His father will chose who of them will become the next king.
you can become good and evil (depends on what you do (the 7 heavenly virtues, the 7 deadly sins)).
WHEN YOU'RE EVIL: People run away and scream, everything is burning and destroyed, other ending, you become better in dark magic, other quests and a devil helps you
WHEN YOU'RE GOOD: People clap for you and run to you, environment is perfect, other ending. you become better in holy magic, other quests and a angel helps you.
FIRST QUEST: A young wood-cutters son has started a revolt!
you have to stop him!
I forgot to mention, that last story idea is for a game I will most likely be making for RPG Maker VX. The following is a short game that will be my last (and if completed, my first) RMXP project. I want it to be short because I don't really want to spend a lot of time on it. It won't be really short, but it won't have a epic, two-world adventure that is typical of many RPGs.
Basically, the inspiration of this game comes from the Perek Shirah, a Jewish text that describes various things of nature (animals, plants, or even forces of nature, like lighting or mystical things, like hell) as having "songs." There are 84 of them in the Perek Shirah.
In this game, each "song" is actually a verse needed to use a magic attack. Thus, there are 84 attacks (along with 16 that will be used for a physical, non-magical character) for an even 100 skills.
Even though 100 skills is a lot, the lack of skills with similar themes (Fire, Fira, Firaga) is the reason skills can "level up". So, if you use a certain attack many, many times, it will get stronger in a variety of ways.
Because each of the 84 magic attacks will have a different theme, I am hoping to use existing scripts to add many different skill effects.
Well, enough about that. Here is the plot of the story:
For years now, The Perek Shirah has taught man the power of magic, through ancient chants used to command the forces of nature. Although copies of it exist, the original does not. Legend has it that, in the original Perek Shirah, a 85th song exists. This song is a powerful spell, one that?s power is to grant any wish. This song is known as, ?The Song of the Universe?
Korvin, Helena, and Patrick are three magicians who have formed a new clan, a partnership of several people who are essentially journeyman for hire.
Korvin is a half-elf from the Elven lands. Elves were once strong practitioners of magic, being able to communicate with plants almost naturally. However, once humans learned of the Perek Shirah, certain humans also became adept at not only plant magic, but magic of animals and force as well. The elves, who are very prideful creatures, were not willing to be adept at an art that other creatures could do, so they essentially banished all magic teachings. Korvin, despite it being a taboo, has always wished to be a magician. In keeping with his roots, he has chosen to specialize in plant magic.
Helena is a woman who owns the clan?s ship, Neptune. Unfortunately, Helena has a very, very bad memory. Thus, it is hard for her to remember spells, something almost necessary for a good magician. Being the clever woman that she is, she crafted a book that can harness the power of magic crystals. This allows her not only to carry a book and write down all of her spells in them, but to not have the disadvantaged of not using some sort of magic-channeling device. Despite it being hardest to master, she has chosen the path of Force or Abstract magic. This type of magic deals not with animals or plants, but of natural forces such as lighting, the night, or even the power of hell.
Patrick is, or rather was, a nobleman, one of the heirs of Clan Crucis, an old and powerful clan of magicians. Tired of his life as a ?nobleman first, magician second? lifestyle, he, in his own words, wanted to ?become a great magician using my own power, and work my own way, even if it means living in the bottom of society!? Although, due to his previous lifestyle, he maintains a somewhat ?high and mighty? attitude towards those ranging from the lower to middle class, causing him to not be very popular with the majority of low-class magicians. Despite no longer belonging to Clan Crucis, he still wears his old uniform, except it is modified in such a way that it is blue, rather then green; blue is the color of Clan Crucis?s rival clan. Instead of carrying a wand or a staff, he only carries a shield. His reasoning is that ?Only novices need to rely on wands or staffs.? Although this causes him to be less proficient in magic then some of his peers, the shield gives him a greater defense against many attacks. Patrick, who has always loved animals, specializes in Fauna magic, magic that can use the ancient powers that animals symbolize.
On the way back from a routine mission, they see a girl floating in the water. Doing the only right thing to do, they pick her up and bring her on board. The pale-skinned girl has a strange purple tattoo on her face, and is carrying a sword. When she finally awakens, she panics. She seems to have no memory. But, this is not normal amnesia. She cannot hear, nor see. She can?t speak or (as the group later learns) taste.
With no memory and no senses, they sort of ?adopt? the girl. Although it?s meant to be temporary, after completing a mission with a high reward, the girl touches the treasure of the quest and somehow gains the ability to see. Knowing a little more about the girl, she decides to not only travel with them, but to aid them in battle (After demonstrating her skills on a few invading sea creatures)
And thus, the journey begins for the three magicians to help the girl regain her senses, and hopefully her memory. However, questions come up regarding the girl. Who exactly is she? And why is it that the closer they get to helping the girl, the more and more they hear about the legend of the original Perek Shirah. For these reasons and more, the group continues to help her, acquiring a number of both enemies and allies along the way. After all, if the girl is related to the original Perek Shirah, the treasure of all treasures in on the line.
That?s pretty much the beginning story. The game will be short, with 7 chapters (likely to be released at the same time) and just 4 characters. I will be using either the default battle system or maybe the RTAB (If I use the RTAB, it will still have the DBS look). Maybe this belongs in early projects, but I don?t really want to start a thread without having screenshots or something. The story needs a little work, but I did just come up with it 3 hours ago, after looking at a copy of the Perek Shirah that my family has and thinking ?It would be nice to incorporate this into a game?, which is something that I think (and hope) has not been done before.
Basically, the inspiration of this game comes from the Perek Shirah, a Jewish text that describes various things of nature (animals, plants, or even forces of nature, like lighting or mystical things, like hell) as having "songs." There are 84 of them in the Perek Shirah.
In this game, each "song" is actually a verse needed to use a magic attack. Thus, there are 84 attacks (along with 16 that will be used for a physical, non-magical character) for an even 100 skills.
Even though 100 skills is a lot, the lack of skills with similar themes (Fire, Fira, Firaga) is the reason skills can "level up". So, if you use a certain attack many, many times, it will get stronger in a variety of ways.
Because each of the 84 magic attacks will have a different theme, I am hoping to use existing scripts to add many different skill effects.
Well, enough about that. Here is the plot of the story:
Korvin, Helena, and Patrick are three magicians who have formed a new clan, a partnership of several people who are essentially journeyman for hire.
Korvin is a half-elf from the Elven lands. Elves were once strong practitioners of magic, being able to communicate with plants almost naturally. However, once humans learned of the Perek Shirah, certain humans also became adept at not only plant magic, but magic of animals and force as well. The elves, who are very prideful creatures, were not willing to be adept at an art that other creatures could do, so they essentially banished all magic teachings. Korvin, despite it being a taboo, has always wished to be a magician. In keeping with his roots, he has chosen to specialize in plant magic.
Helena is a woman who owns the clan?s ship, Neptune. Unfortunately, Helena has a very, very bad memory. Thus, it is hard for her to remember spells, something almost necessary for a good magician. Being the clever woman that she is, she crafted a book that can harness the power of magic crystals. This allows her not only to carry a book and write down all of her spells in them, but to not have the disadvantaged of not using some sort of magic-channeling device. Despite it being hardest to master, she has chosen the path of Force or Abstract magic. This type of magic deals not with animals or plants, but of natural forces such as lighting, the night, or even the power of hell.
Patrick is, or rather was, a nobleman, one of the heirs of Clan Crucis, an old and powerful clan of magicians. Tired of his life as a ?nobleman first, magician second? lifestyle, he, in his own words, wanted to ?become a great magician using my own power, and work my own way, even if it means living in the bottom of society!? Although, due to his previous lifestyle, he maintains a somewhat ?high and mighty? attitude towards those ranging from the lower to middle class, causing him to not be very popular with the majority of low-class magicians. Despite no longer belonging to Clan Crucis, he still wears his old uniform, except it is modified in such a way that it is blue, rather then green; blue is the color of Clan Crucis?s rival clan. Instead of carrying a wand or a staff, he only carries a shield. His reasoning is that ?Only novices need to rely on wands or staffs.? Although this causes him to be less proficient in magic then some of his peers, the shield gives him a greater defense against many attacks. Patrick, who has always loved animals, specializes in Fauna magic, magic that can use the ancient powers that animals symbolize.
On the way back from a routine mission, they see a girl floating in the water. Doing the only right thing to do, they pick her up and bring her on board. The pale-skinned girl has a strange purple tattoo on her face, and is carrying a sword. When she finally awakens, she panics. She seems to have no memory. But, this is not normal amnesia. She cannot hear, nor see. She can?t speak or (as the group later learns) taste.
With no memory and no senses, they sort of ?adopt? the girl. Although it?s meant to be temporary, after completing a mission with a high reward, the girl touches the treasure of the quest and somehow gains the ability to see. Knowing a little more about the girl, she decides to not only travel with them, but to aid them in battle (After demonstrating her skills on a few invading sea creatures)
And thus, the journey begins for the three magicians to help the girl regain her senses, and hopefully her memory. However, questions come up regarding the girl. Who exactly is she? And why is it that the closer they get to helping the girl, the more and more they hear about the legend of the original Perek Shirah. For these reasons and more, the group continues to help her, acquiring a number of both enemies and allies along the way. After all, if the girl is related to the original Perek Shirah, the treasure of all treasures in on the line.
That?s pretty much the beginning story. The game will be short, with 7 chapters (likely to be released at the same time) and just 4 characters. I will be using either the default battle system or maybe the RTAB (If I use the RTAB, it will still have the DBS look). Maybe this belongs in early projects, but I don?t really want to start a thread without having screenshots or something. The story needs a little work, but I did just come up with it 3 hours ago, after looking at a copy of the Perek Shirah that my family has and thinking ?It would be nice to incorporate this into a game?, which is something that I think (and hope) has not been done before.
I haven't been on the site for a long time...about a month...well, since it's so secret, I can't give away any info on my first masterpiece in the making, but let's just say it'll cross a lot of limits in RPG Maker and RPG's. It will feature a lot of character interaction, and ...oops! I've said too much...see signature for more details...
EDIT: I put this teaser on here because I don't want to give it away on the Early Projects section.
EDIT: I put this teaser on here because I don't want to give it away on the Early Projects section.
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