Feedback on Predevelopment Projects

[Moogleking]

Here's the story I'm writing that I'm planning to turn into a game. Tentatively titled "Shapeless".

Quick summary:
The story follows a man who has no memories of his past or identity and his journey to find out who he is and find a place in the world. The only clues he has are the strange map with letters and characters in his head, and his ability to shapeshift. He's not sure if the form he walks around in is what he really looks like, if he's male, or if he's even human.

The story is told from the perspective of the people he comes into contact with, never from his viewpoint. In the writing, a man is collecting the stories from various people who have come in contact with the protagonist. This should translate pretty good into the game world, I think. I'd probably use something where you pick whose story you want to see first (think FF6 when sabin, locke, and the rest get separated). As the story progresses, new people and new arcs on the same people would open up.

It's pretty much an adventure story with a little bit of mystery. The focus for the majority of the story is how the protagonist ends up affecting the lives of those he meets. This will be interspersed with his own self-discovery and trying to figure out who, or what, he is.

Please take a look at the first few chapters I have up: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2398615/1/

Feel free to write a review on it too.

Mainly I'm trying to get a feel for if people like the idea, like my writing, and then I'll start on the game after writing a few more chapters. Any feedback you can give is welcome.

 

[Ratty524]

@Moogleking: The only thing that's kind of bugging me about your story is that the introduction is a bit overused. "Hero wakes up with no memory of his past, and must discover who he is. DUN DUN DUN!" That sort of thing. However, such intro brings up a feel of mystery and may make the character wonder who this person is, accomplishing your task of making this "mysterious". Also, hearing that the character has the ability to shapeshift, you could make battles (if you are making battles) where the character transforms into various things to defeat enemies and such, it would be cool. :D

 

[Moogleking]

About the amnesia thing. While it has been done before, I don't think it's been done in quite this way, or with the same idea for the reason (i'm not revealing this yet).

Yes, I definitely plan on making shapeshifting a large part of the battles/story. Right now I'm looking at doing a modification of the typical side ATB battle system.

More than likely shifting will be involved in some of the puzzles, too. I can already think of a few things.

Thanks for your comments. (you should read the story so far and write me a review)

 

[chiufan]

Busy making game right now, but how would any of you feel about a Tenchi Muyo game? Just wondering. If it were to get serious, it wouldn't start production until 2008.

 

[Ratty524]

Never heard of Tenchi Muyo, so I can't really comment.

 

[lunarea]

Busy making game right now, but how would any of you feel about a Tenchi Muyo game? Just wondering. If it were to get serious, it wouldn't start production until 2008.

The thing with fan games is that for the most part, they only appeal to people who actually know of and enjoy the original piece of work it's based on. In order to make it appealing to the general public, you'd have to pretty much retell the entire story - and even then, you run the risk of people thinking you're not true to the original, or even wondering why they shouldn't just watch that show/read that book/etc instead.

That's not to say that fan games are bad or hold no interest. But if you want your game to have a bigger appeal, consider going with an original story - something you came up with. Even if you borrow elements from other sources, it would appeal to more people than just a very narrow and specific game would.

 

[Ynlraey]

Trying to make a VN game at RMXP and RenPy, whoa, graphics are so hard to do X_X

 

[Chiyo Osaka]

Ok, here's my new storyline. I'm gonna write this how I wrote it in my notebook, so it might be a bit disorganized, and details might be spread out everywhere. Bear with me, please.

Spoiler: My New Story

The setting is in a snowy, isolated town high in the mountains. It is mostly the typical medieval-esque town, inhabited solely by elves.
Shade of the Divinity
(name probably will change)

According to the town's religious beliefs, a goddess is born every 23 years.The goddess is found by a special feature that only she has, being green eyes.This color is considered the Shade of the Divinity, signifying life and balance. However, the villagers think they have a problem. As long as the goddess is on the planet, she can't protect the planet and her powers are virtually nullified. Therefore, the only reasonable solution is to send the goddess on her journey to the stars, ad help her regain her divine powers. In other words kill her. It is done in a ritual, and is completely humane and pain-free. The goddess is put to sleep by an anasthetic aroma, blighten, derived from a plant that grows only at the top of the tallest mountain.

When a goddess is found, she is immediately brought to the Temple of the Stars. She is raised to be undyingly devoted to her cause. She is told from a very young age that she is the goddess, and that it is her destiny to return to the stars and protect the planet. She is reffered to only by her birthname, and not Goddess. She is allowed to go into town, visit her parents, talk and mingle with other citizens, go to school, and dress almost any way she wishes, as long as the clothes aren't too provocative. Overall, she is like any other citizen of the town, and is treated as such. Any person she falls in love with is identified as a demi-god or demi-goddess, and is to be sent up with the goddess to be with her forever.

Please tell me what you think.^_^

 

[Ratty524]

Sounds more like a backstory to me. Try going further and actually create your characters in the "present day" setting. On a good point it sounds quite unique.

 

[Enoah]

Hello, I came here to receive some aid on how to improve the game I am making. Not much is done due to the lack of time these days but any constructive feedback, critisism, improvement aswell as correction is apretiated. As you may have guessed English is not my first language. Being Japanese makes writing some sentences, or even words difficult to translate. Since all my friends here are eighther spanish or english... the only way to make them actually test the game I am making (which is 100% in Japanese) is to translate it into english.

A good example is say the word "Magic". In japanese its a conjunction of 2 words. "Demon" + "Arts or Method" = "Magic".

Right... enough junk. On to the content.

**Warning, Content is QUITE LONG!**

Spoiler: Title / Prologue

Path Beyond Fate (probably changing... however Fate is a big subject on my game.)

Enoah Langriss, Captain of the forth squadron has been summoned by King Leon the 17th to perform a special service for the Kingdome. The task given was to discover the origin of the mysterious obelisk that has risen from the earth 8 years ago, and which is believed to be the source of the increasing monsters roaming through out the kingdome. Having lost her husband and her village by an unknown creature emerging from this obelisk, it was difficult for Enoah to take this task. However with the courage and trust given by her old childhood friend Rikia Dien, Enoah decides to journey toward the Obelisk to fulfill her duty as well as answers to the nature of this Unknown creature that destroyed everything she cared.

Spoiler: PCs and NPCs

Enoah Landgriss
Age: 26
Race: Human
Home Town: Leon Kingdome
Important Quote: "Sometimes, to live is more painful than to die."

Enoah is a Paladin and Captain of the Fourth Imperial Squadron. She lost Husband and her village 8 years ago soon after the Obelisk has appeared by an unknown Armored Creature. After the catastrophe, she has become close minded, cold and strict. The only person who she trusts is Rikia, her old friend from childhood. Despises everything that involves "Magic"


Rikia Dien
Age: 25
Race: Human
Home Town: Leon Kingdome
Important Quote: "Vengeance will only bring misery and regret..."

Rikia is a priestess of Leon Kingdome, and Friend best friend of Enoah. Being hurt dearly for what happened to Enoah's village, she tries everything she can to take care of her. Rikia is warmhearted and forgiving person, and hurts to see how Enoah has changed ever since she became a paladin.

Khido Alzaf
Age: 34
Race: Human
Hometown: Bazil Kingdome
Important Quote: ?Magic is more powerfull than anything in this world, if you know how to use them?

Khido is a Magician with ambition. He came all the way from Bazil to Leon Kingdome to further study the nature of magic. He will do anything to expand his knowledge on magical arts. Does not have good relation
Between Enoah.

Xeoh
Age: unknown
Race: unknown (rumored to be demon)
Home Town: unknown
Important Quote: "Know that your kind is eager to fight with another race just because they do not follow your Logic or standards? (pretty sure eager is not the right choice of word... but well thats what the diccionary gives me.)

Not much is known about him other than he is probably the only person/thing who can cast magic without the aid of ancient books and scrolls. He seems to be searching information about the Obelisk as well but for unknown motives and intentions.

Kain and Lin:
Age: 19 and 18
Race: Both human.
Home Town: Tomea Republic
Important Quote: ?What did I do to come into this awful place?? ?Kain
?Fortune and Glory await us!? - Lin

Kain and Lin are adventurers from Tomea Republic. Bored with their every day life, Lin decided to go for an adventure with Kain to Leon Kingdome in which rumor stated that the Mysterious Obelisk that appeared may grant fortune and glory. Kain, who is Lin?s fianc?, got dragged unwillingly toward her adventure.

**I have 2 more characters in mind to put in. Considering Khido will never be playable once you reach chapter 2. Further more I am going to use a Party switch system in which needs at least 2 full groups (or close...). Hard part is to actually make a storyline + relative quests for each character and if you put too many characters may exhaust the player. (could use as a side content... but thats not planned yet) More importantly I don't know if I can manage to fit those characters with the ones I already got.

Spoiler: Some key function of this game

The part where I have put alot of efforts on it was the interaction between one character with the other. Depending on the choice you make on the conversation, you will be able to make some interesting quests aswell as have relationships (Like Baldur's gate 2).

Spoiler: How the Story is plotted

In order to explain the general flow of the story here is a basic summary of the entire game. Divided into chapters. I will try not to give too much detail past the prologue so that I don't actually reveal everything.

Prologue

You start inside a dream of Enoah's past. How she have lost her husband, and the entire village. She wakes up soon after she tries to run away from the Creature. On her awake, you can play a around for a bit. She then notices that Xeoh is not in his room (INN). And decides to search for him.

Now you can play her a bit with monster encounters etc. The character is set different from the main class (stronger, with pre-set equipments so she can take mobs alone). Once she reaches on a cliff near the obelisk you encounter Xeoh staring at it. They start to have a dialogue about the obelisk, aswell as Enoah questioning about Xeoh's Identity and his motives.

Here you switch with Rikia waking up. Finds both Xeoh and Enoah missing. (However no need to run all the way what you did with Enoah. Its just a scene that she dashes out of the Inn, in search for the two. The scene now switches toward Xeoh and Enoah from Rikia's prespective. Enoah already had her weapon ready to attack Xeoh. And despite Rikia's pledge to stop, she slashes toward Xeoh. And here ends the prologue...

Chapter 1

Happens before the Prologue. The story starts when Enoah uptakes the mission, joined by Rikia and optional character Khido. Journey takes place from the Capital city of Leon, toward the Obelisk located on the north east.

Almost at the end of chapter 1 meets with Xeoh. And passed few more events and moving around, you do exactly what you did in the prologue, but with more detail on what happens.

Chapter 2

Takes place after the incident of the Prologue. Xeoh's identity becomes a little more clear, but still Enoah is unclear of his motives. The chapter is about learning more about the obelisk, ultimately entering inside.

Chapter 3

At the end of Chapter 2, you will learn what the Obelisk is and the purpose of it. Kain and Lin will join the party here. Few more major events happens in here, Xeoh will leave the party due to the events happening in here.

Chapter 4

This chapter takes place in the past. And in this chapter you will learn the motives of the Obelisk's purpose as well as Why Xeoh is helping Enoah. Now here I will have one major plot that will be unclear till the end of the game. And it is done on purpose. (Perhaps I will make a sequel...) You are Xeoh in this chapter, in which your journey will take place from the past till the time where you met Enoah and Rikia for the first time. Xeoh will rejoin again at the end.

Final Chapter

With every thing clear, and knowing what to do. This chapter will introduce you to a different area. And there is where you meet the final "Boss" of this game. I am trying to explain here that this boss has his motives and intentions and hopefully I can explain it clear to the players of "Why" he is doing it. Depending on how well you do with the characters the ending will change.

This project was started ever since I got my first Snes RPG maker (super dante). Though the story, concept, character's motive changed alot alont 12 years of re-writting and re-making. I think I finally made it together to an acceptable storyline.

Yes this may have to be in Early projects... however my grammar and spelling is not the best I have. And probably could use some polishment before I do... But uncertain if I will or not. Translating the entire game is an awfull load of work, not to mention to actualy make sence "In English".

Thanks for reading for those who did.

 

[lunarea]

@ Chiyo Osaka:

As Ratty524 mentioned, this sounds more like a premise to a story rather than the actual plot. Is your game going to be following a goddess as she is brought up, or will you have other events happening? Also, why do they wait for the goddess to be of a certain age? Is it because she comes into her powers at a certain time? Or maybe because they don't want to make a mistake and wait for her to display in some way that she's a goddess?

What happens to the mother who gave birth to a reincarnated goddess? I'd imagine some of them may not want to give up their child - even if it's a great honor. How does this process run smoothly?

I like the back story, though. It seems interesting enough without being overly cliche.

@ Enoah:

The first thing that struck me as strange is that Enoah doesn't want to discover what brought the monster that killed her family and friends into the world. I can see her reluctance if she were, for example, in an active quest to find and kill the monster. But, she could be easily persuaded if she was told that figuring out the obelisk meant more people wouldn't share her tragic past. If you do have a great reason for her reluctance, it may be a good idea to include it

Other than that, it doesn't sound like a bad story. There are some elements that are common to a few games, but it's not presented in a boring way. I like that the main character is a female. That doesn't happen too often in games, so it's lovely to see.

Keep working on it, and I'm sure you could recruit someone to help you with spelling/grammar and general English. Good luck!

 

[Enoah]

Thanks for the comments. I know how you get that feeling on "If this character has such a dark past, and now that she is on a quest on having a chance to discover the truth why is it not there?". Thats because I haven't explained it as written on the plot on my previous reply. (sorry! was quite intentional on not mentioning it. Its infact has a questline between chapter 1 and 2 reguarding about this.)

In any case I have alot more to write down. Hardest part is, once the main story is placed now I have to match all the sidequest to somehow relate to the main quest. As explaied there will be one part of the game where the player may ask: "And where the hell did they come from?". In this project itself I have camoflaged that with some good reason. Perhaps I may focus on the unknown part in the future project.

Yes my project is based on a female character as main. Although I am male and I may fail horribly on how female characters feel on certain ocasions but I guess experiences I had in Real life may help me with that. It is really hard to work alone but well not much I can do, after all this started as a hobby.

 

[Chiyo Osaka]

@ Lunarea:

1. Every 23 years, the current goddess(the one in the stars) turns into a star herself, along with anyone who came with her. She is then replaced by the new goddess, The cycle goes that the current goddess dies, the current goddess-in-waiting does the ritual, and the new goddess-in-waiting is born. And it goes on a circle from there.

When the goddess is found, it's unmistakable because she is the only one that they know of with green eyes, which happens to be the sacred color. The reason the sacred color is green is that the people of this mountain town don't see the color green commonly.

2. The story follows the current goddess when she turns 22 to the time of the ritual. However, the main playable character will be someone from a mining town who gets lost in the mine and ends up in the mountains around the main town. There will be other things that you do before you go into the mine, however.

As an alternative, the goddess could be the main character, and the love interest could come in the same way I said. Either way, I still haven't gotten to the actual gameplay yet, and what either main character will wind up doing for the in-game year's duration.

The love interest will fall in love with the goddess, and vice versa. At the end of the game, he/she will join her in the ritual. I'm still on the fence about whether the main playable character will be a guy or a girl. I don't know how to sprite guys yet, so that's a major inhibitor to make it a guy. Then again, I don't know if it would be frowned upon to make it a girl.

3. The people who live in this village have an unshakable faith in the goddess, so I don't know if anyone might resist the temple taking her away. I'll come up with some history of the town stating that it did happen at one time, but it didn't happen for the certain goddess in this story.

Thanks for the advise. I wouldn't have thought about that stuff if I hadn't asked anyone.

 

[Draycos Goldaryn]

The love interest will fall in love with the goddess, and vice versa. At the end of the game, he/she will join her in the ritual.

why does the love interest join her in the ritual? Why doesn't she fight to free her from death. I'm not saying s/he should, but if I were to fall in love with someone who was fated to be killed, I would try everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Afterall, s/he is not from the village, s/he doesn't share the same beliefs. What motivates the love interest to die alongside the love of his/her life rather than run away with her to live a full life together?

 

[lunarea]

@ Enoah:

It can be very challenging to write something in a different language, or even make it appeal to a different culture. You're doing great, so just keep working on it.

I was asking about Enoah's motivations because it really jumped out at me. It may appear small, but whenever you have a reaction different from what's expected, it results in people wondering what happened. I know that you've thought of it and that you're including it in a particular chapter. But, although you are certainly free to use it in the introduction, you might want to phrase it differently. Otherwise, people will focus on that and lose track of other things you might want them to pay attention to

@ Chiyo Osaka:

I'm glad you're thinking about these little details. Sometimes they can give you inspiration for plot twists and other times they can just help you create a more believable world.

When the goddess is found, it's unmistakable because she is the only one that they know of with green eyes, which happens to be the sacred color. The reason the sacred color is green is that the people of this mountain town don't see the color green commonly.

Nature's sometimes funny in such a way that it creates strange things. It's possible that there could be a person born with green eyes that's not a goddess. In my opinion, you should include this in your plot. It will give you two advantages:
1) It won't feel like the main hero will die regardless of what the player does (this can be a little depressing to people, even if it's a beautiful ending - death is still death).
2) It gives you an opportunity to create a fantastic dungeon that's used as a rite of passage.

Because the fate of the goddess is so extreme, I'd think people would want to be 100% sure that she is a goddess - not only because of her fate, but because if they make a mistake, there will be no new goddess looking over them. In most cases, a series of things together would confirm her identity: her eyes, possibly unique powers, rite of passage and so on.

@ DraycosGoldaryn:

I got the impression that the love interest joining in the ritual comes from a long series of events that bring understanding and gradual acceptance of circumstances. I imagine that running away and such will be plot twists

Good questions, though.

 

[chiufan]

EDIT: Sorry! Accidentally double posted. For my real reply, just look below.

 

[chiufan]

@ Lunarea:

Then again, I don't know if it would be frowned upon to make it a girl.

I wouldn't frown. In fact, it would probably appeal to a wider audience if you could, oh, I don't know, uh, choose if you want it to be a boy or a girl. But then again...it would kind of take away some of the cinematic experience if you could choose. Hmm...oh, well, just flip a coin...

 

[Draycos Goldaryn]

I got the impression that the love interest joining in the ritual comes from a long series of events that bring understanding and gradual acceptance of circumstances. I imagine that running away and such will be plot twists

Good questions, though.

Good point. I was thinking more along the lines of FFX though...

Spoiler: FFX Spoiler

When Tidus meets Yuna, he only knows that she is on a quest to defeat Sin. He learns that her father, with the help of his father, defeated Sin 10 years ago. It isn't until later that he brings up this question because it doesn't make sense to him, If Braska defeated sin, why is it still here? Eventually, he learns that in order to defeat Sin, The summoner (Yuna) must sacrifice her life along with a chosen guardian. As soon as he learns this, he vows to find another way that does not involve death. and he succeeds too, but there was still a cost...

 

[Chiyo Osaka]

@ Lunarea:

I suppose that's true. The rite of passage thing would help to give me some gameplay to work with (as there is little to none so far). And I just thought of something. What if I gave an OPTION of running away near the end of the game? That would settle your little argument, now wouldn't it? If the player stays, then the ending will be like I described before. If they run, then it might be like an Apocalypse, or maybe something else.

@ Draycos:

I hadn't thought about whether they would run away or not. Either way, they would live a full life together, if you catch my drift.

@ Chiufan:

The concern isn't making the main character a girl, it's making it a girl and having her fall in love with the goddess.

 

[shiftybill]

OK here goes, Im fairly new to RMXP (about 3-4 weeks now) and am thinking of making a game and need some feedback on my story and charcters so far, well here goes nothing.

Woking Title: Princess Shandra: Legend of the Elements

Main Characters:

Selexus (Sel-ex-us)
http://naramura.kdn.ne.jp/game/sozai/fa ... nal/04.png[/IMG]
Age: 19
Class: Fighter
Additional: Selexus was orphaned at a young age, although that didn?t slow her down much. This sometimes feisty female has learned to take care of herself; with a sword at her side she is not afraid of anything.

Sherron (Sher-ron)
http://naramura.kdn.ne.jp/game/sozai/fa ... nal/10.png[/IMG]
Age: 16
Class: Cleric
Additional: Sherron was born into a wealthy family and was privileged to be schooled in the ways of life magic. She spends her days studying and perfecting her art.

Alexor (Al-ex-or)
http://naramura.kdn.ne.jp/game/sozai/fa ... nal/01.png[/IMG]
Age: 17
Class: Warrior
Additional: Alexor, son of the mighty hero Tiennel, he has trained since a young age and has become a very skilled warrior indeed. His ambition is to be a hero like his father before him.


The story so far:

Selexus and Sherron are outside in the sunshine enjoying a relaxing walk when all of a sudden the ground starts shaking. Scared, they both run into Avoru?s Inn to take cover. Once inside Avoru is very worried, he informs the girls that some of the Mages he studied with have gone completely insane and are using their awesome powers to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting and often unarmed world. He tells the girls that the only way to stop the magicians is to retrieve four sacred elemental jewels(earth, water, air, fire) and also the Staff of Elements, only then will they be powerful enough to defeat the evil magicians and restore peace to the world. He would accompany the girls but his adventuring days are long over.

Both of the girls are reluctant at first but after Sherron has a vision of a blackened, ash filled wasteland, she persuades Selexus to help bring the evil magicians to justice. After saying goodbye to Avoru the girls set off on their journey to find the Jewel of Elemental Earth hidden in the desert deep inside the Cave of the Earth.

thats all i have so far, so what do you think, i know the story isnt the greatest, and feel that is the area i need to improve on the most.

Thanks in advance