"Sherlock Holmes and the Problem of 'The Day of the Moon'"; or; "Hound of the Baskervilles" by Stephen Moffat :::":3uk0v0o2 said:
[Scene: The windswept , gothic Baskerville Hall, Dartmoor. Sherlock Holmes has just unmasked the villain of the story, and is about to tie up all lose ends]
HOLMES: Only Jack Stapleton could possibly be the villain of this piece!
STAPLETON: Blast you Holmes! My plan to swindle the Baskerville family out their estate was so flawless, I should be locked away in prison!
HOLMES: Quick Watson! Did you get that all on videophone?
[Watson hits the replay button on his videophone "I should be locked away in prison!"]
WATSON: Yes. Holmes, I'll say it again you are a genius.
HOLMES: Naturally
STAPLETON: Blast! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the world's number one consulting detective! Run away!
[STAPLETON runs away]
HOLMES: All's well that ends well, I say.
WATSON: Wait what?
HOLMES: Let's get back to the HANSOMCAB and get back to London.
WATSON: Are you just going to leave Stapleton to run about Dartmoor?
HOLMES: Nah. He'll probably just fall into the Grimpen Mire. Easy-peasy. He won't be back to trouble us except in mediocre fanfiction written nearly a century from now.
WATSON: Are you going to wrap up this story, or are you going to go off and lark about Cardiff?
HOLMES: Yes.
WATSON: What?
HOLMES: He's a criminal; Criminals are evil. You've read my stories before, you know how this works.
WATSON: Yes - and that's not how I remember it. Besides you haven't even bothered to tell *why* Jack Stapleton was driven to use a gigantic hound to terrorise our good friend Sir Henry Baskervile to death and/or off his estate.
HOLMES: Oh? Hmmm... something to do with being in turn swindled... possibly revenge. Maybe an illegitimate pregnancy. Or not. Or both. I dunno. Let's go solve more mysteries!
WATSON: But can't we finish wrapping up this one first? Why did he use a gigantic hound? Why did it appear to glow green? Who was that tramp from the Moor and why was he attacked by the hound? And what the hell have you got on your head?
HOLMES: It's a deerstalker. I wear a deerstalker now. Deerstalkers are cool.
[The Audience: "w00t"]
WATSON: Well, Holmes? I’m waiting.
HOLMES: Elementary, my dear Watson: I'll explain later.
WATSON: Did you even bother to find out?
["Silence will fall"]
WATSON: I see. That's a bit out of character for you, isn't it Holmes? A dangerous murderer running loose on the common and you're going to leave the case unresolved?
HOLMES: Look, I have a hunch, okay? And as I'm smart and you're not, I think we should go with my hunches. Besides, it will all be explained in the sequel.
WATSON: Sequel?! What sequel?!
HOLMES: Well, this is obviously part of and setting up a larger story arc. If I were to tell you the answers you want to know now, it would ruin that arc.
WATSON: But that makes no sense!
HOLMES: Oh but it does. Conan Doyle will explain it in a minute on "Sherlock Holmes Confidential". It will appear in the sequel. Or possibly I’ll explain it during the “Adventure of the Green Gables“. Or “The Consulting Detective’s Wife”.
WATSON: Wait - Irene Adler is coming back?
HOLMES: Don’t be ridiculous Watson.
WATSON: But…but… this means jettisoning an important piece of character continuity - not to mention common sense - involving the titular hero of our story. Don't you think the audience might notice?
HOLMES: Possibly James. Just possibly.
WATSON: John.
HOLMES: Whatever. Besides, when and if we revisit Stapleton again in the sequel, you'll get to find out what drove him in this story, and you'll be able to put this story into a relevant context. Simples. It's all about the mystery of the arc nowadays my dear Watson.
WATSON: But that's not how storytelling is supposed to work!
HOLMES: Whatever. That's how storytelling works now - I call it the "Shakey-wakey-Plotholely-wolely Approach". I intend to write a monograph.
[Watson: 'sigh']
WATSON: I suppose we are going to resolve that other mystery. You know, in your last published story? You had been shot by Professor Moriarty who'd walked out of a lake in Switzerland.
HOLMES: No mystery: I'm very definitely dead. Moriarty definitely killed me. Unless it was a clone or a duplicate or something. But yeah. Probably. Some day soon.
WATSON: ...And dare I ask, how do you think that might be resolved?
HOLMES: Hmmm. Probably a contrived cop-out revealing that I was never really dead and that you and subsequently the audience had been misled into believing I was, which will consequentially go down as an iconic moment in British cultural history. You know how these things work...
[Cliffhanger ‘scream’. Sherlock Holmes climbs into the HANSOMCAB. Roll credits.]