@maneo &co: I just wanted to say, I'm not sure why I said some much stupid shit. I read form page 1 to my post actually, and just got so frustrated with all the bickering and idiocy that I lost my cool. So, I'm sorry. You do have a good foundation, but most of the ideas in this thread are valid and should be taken into major consideration (good or bad.) There's no point putting a years work into something, planning on going commercial, and ignoring what your audience wants. If someone on here says they don't like something, it's a safe bet to assume a mojority of your gamers won't.
@Moogle Sprite: When was it said it took place in 1958? Ya gotta remember, most RPGs are not set in modern earth if earth at all, usually in alter paths anyways, and not necessarily in relation to 2008 of our time, your other points are dead on though.
@Akinari: your fueling the "everything your doing is fine as long as you like it" mentality. Sure the story is a good foundation, and can go places. but the point of posting here to get critiqued to showcase work so far. It's a place to get your game out there, recruit, and critique. Ignoring constructive criticism is just plain. Sorry if this wasn't what your implying, but there seems to be a constant war in this thread regarding whether being supportive or being negative is better, both are bad. Too supportive and you lose the reason why this forum exists, too negative and people get upset and give up or in this case, seem to ignore everything.
OK. Don't get mad but I'm going to put some important questions and aspects into this new plot synopsis.
Sira: Land of power, intro scene:
Ok this is what's going to play at new game I assume
50 years ago...an atrocity was done against the angels..
And humanity...must pay...with...blood.
Mixed tense; past, present, and future that is. Who did it? I'll assume the humans.
One day, in the year of 1200 ad, Sareo and Basil leaves Rimea, Capital of Sira,
in the bright morning light.
If this is an alternate earth and timeline, maybe consider using a different time representation. Make up a different thign like AD
The brown garments that Sareo is wearing, is a mark of the
soldier`s rank, a rank only the finest of the Rimea guard may receive.
Sareo is proud to wear them, but it feels like something´s missing in his life...
Worried that Basil might notice a bit of jealousy, he quickly hides his feeling,
and looks intently at Basil, who is his oldest friend.
This implies that Sareo is jelaous of Basil, Why?
Basil suddenly looks curiously at Sareo´s mischevious face. He senses something in Sareo´s eyes,
almost if he could sense Sareo´s inner ambitions and dreams.
-You´re gonna get a cold if you stop and dream like that, my young knight!
Sareo laughs at this, and makes a joking strike move towards Basil, who jumps away, effortlessly.
-Too slow, little one, Basil says.
-Still the best, ain`t you Basil?
-Always, says Basil, joking, with a smile on his face.
Basil pats Sareo hard on the back, and they continue their journey.
Sareo wishes that he had half the strength that he can sense in Basil´s hand.
What a warrior! Sareo thinks, wishing he could be like that.
Sareo always wanted to be a dragoon; this was what Sareo´s jealousy was about. But, instead he became the most skilled knight in Rimea. But he still dreams of becoming a dragoon one day, whatever the cost.
So dragoon is a higher rank than knight? One only attained through certain criteria I'm guessing. The vibe from paragraph 1 to 2 shifts entirely. Sareo is young man who's attained one of the highest ranks in Sira's knighthood, but feels like it's not enough, to he's michiveous youth who pales in comparison to older, or rather MUCH older (from his dialogue), best friend. Odd shift.
Their journey, that will lead them Angel City, an 3000-year old city.
This is where the noble Angels of angel magic is dwelling, in the mist of what is told and untold
in the passages of time.
No offense, but the grammar errors in this line alone makes it seem like it was written by a dyslexic 12 year old with the internet and dictionary.com. Oh, and past tense switch again to future to present.
Sareo and his friend has come here, to form a peace treaty, to end the long war between humans
and angels. But the angels will betray them, and a war will break out...
Umm... present tense, and why? Who sent them? Oh jeeze, switch back to future tense, and give away what seems to be a gigantic piece of infortmation yet to come.
What will this war lead to?
Good question. Don't ask us. Now it seems like the pre-face of a game manuscript, as oppose to an opening sequence.
More interestly written, atleast to me anyhow, would be a synopsis of the atmosphere and world. The opening sequence switches between a synopsis (which makes for a good opening sometimes) to thrusting you into meeting the main character and learning about them, also good, but not mixed. Very hard to do, and it's a better idea to show the preface first, then control the character, OR thrust the player into something right off the bat, and learn things as you go.
But that's just my 2 cents.
