Poetry Contest (RESULTS)
- Thread starter bacon
- Start date
No worries hon, you tried your best
Ignore me, and well, for the rest
I think perhaps the time has come
To dance, the dance that we had done
That time, last year, beyond the pier
In summer, dancing robot sang
The end of day, the start of night
Were either of us ever right?
But now we plea on this new moon
Our results will be coming soon
Ignore me, and well, for the rest
I think perhaps the time has come
To dance, the dance that we had done
That time, last year, beyond the pier
In summer, dancing robot sang
The end of day, the start of night
Were either of us ever right?
But now we plea on this new moon
Our results will be coming soon
First off, remember that these results are biased and opinionated. Since the other judge ran off into who knows where, you are stuck with me. Not all of you are going to agree with waht I wrote, and I dont expect you to but unless you want to wait any longer, you are just going to have to take the spoonful of icky medicine. Im not a poetry master. D:
Results
Key
Technical: Grammar, Spelling, Word choice.
Originality/Creativity: How creative and original you were. What makes your poem stand out?
Verbal: How well your poem flows
Mood: The mood you create. What picture do you paint in our heads?
Overall Effort: An overall thought of your poem. Did you put enough effort in?
~Each subject is worth 20 points. Total is out of 100.
EpE
Technical: You make a mistake in the second line as you misspelled bright. You forgot apostrophes on a few words. Also, you change tenses too much. Even with poems, it’s important to make a transition when you change tenses, not suddenly change. You repeat the same words a lot such as home and love. (10)
Originality/Creativity: You have a typical home poem. You explain home, but you don’t do anything unique. (8)
Verbal: Your poem is really hard to say aloud. When reading, I seem to stumble upon words. You need to make it flow better by using words that sound better together. (10)
Mood: You really don’t set a mood. Sure, you have descriptive words but these descriptive words really don’t paint a picture. It doesn’t really connect with me or bring back any memories. (7)
Overall: Well, you have obvious grammar issues and spelling issues. Other than that, you also don’t paint a picture in my head. (9)
TOTAL: 44
LooseEnds
Technical: You spell where wrong in every line. It is very distracting. You also have your when it should be you’re. I also think you meant to say warm instead of warn in the last line. (6)
Originality/Creativity: I like how you have different synonyms of home. Overall, its something that makes you poem stand out, as each word paints a different picture in my head. (14)
Verbal: Other than the first two lines, your poem flows well, except for those breaks. While I can see the pattern you tried to create, it doesn’t really work and it sounds odd when read aloud. (15)
Mood: While most of your poem really doesn’t connect with me, you do have a line or two that does such as trolling in your boxers. Overall though, the poem seems cold. You make most of the lines feel like definitions instead of actual heartfelt lines. (11)
Overall Effort: You misspelled where, which really through me off as that is a really basic word. I liked how you have different synonyms of the word home, but after each word it feels more like a definition than an actual line of heartfelt poetry. (12)
TOTAL: 58
Nightsway
Technical: I personally didn’t see any mistakes. Your word choice could be better though. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I don’t really see anything that makes your poem stand out. You don’t do anything unique and different. You basically have a whole bunch of short lines; you needed to actually do something with your poem. I will give you some credit for rhyming though. (7)
Verbal: Your poem overall is easy to say aloud. It flows nicely and seems to connect. The only problem I have is that you have different lines that create a sentence, and then you suddenly change where you give a statement in each line. It is not very consistent. (16)
Mood: You do have some nice descriptive words. I especially like the onimonipeas you have scattered in the poem. Overall though, I really don’t get it. It’s boring and doesn’t connect with me at all. It also confuses me, as I don’t understand the theme to this poem. (7)
Overall: Technical wise, your poem is very well written yet when it comes to connecting and engaging the reader, I feel like you totally missed. Your poem is cold in my opinion and not very original and to me, these are the two most important things in poetry. (5)
TOTAL: 51
Sechs
Technical: Your poem is very nice technical wise. Your word choice is appealing overall. You create images and sounds in my head. I didn’t see any typos either. (17)
Originality/Creativity: I love the fact that you used metaphors and similes to create the mood. You use these devices to create a vibrant poem. (16)
Verbal: I think you over killed it with the grammar and punctuation. It visual unappealing and confusing when read. Without these, it would have flowed smoothly, but all this punctuation creates a traffic jam when I read it aloud. (9)
Mood: It starts out nicely. You create a mood with the metaphors and word choice. But as the poem progresses, I start to not understand the theme to the poem. It confused me and I still don’t exactly get it. (13)
Overall: You create a great atmosphere with your word choice and metaphors, but you made it to confusing with the amount of punctuation and the lack of direction. (13)
TOTAL: 68
The Revolution
Technical: I did not see any spelling mistake. While your overall word choice was good, I think some better words could have been used in certain places. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you make home sound more of a person than an actual home. You give it that human factor. You use imagery and other tools to create a mood of death. You took home and gave it a whole new feeling. (18)
Verbal: Your poem is extremely hard to say aloud. I stuttered multiple times trying to read it. It doesn’t flow well and feels choppy. (7)
Mood: I like the mood you create. You make the reader feel death in multiple ways. You use devices that help create this mood. I feel the chill of the air and feel my life depleting. (19)
Overall: While you have great grammar, word choice, atmosphere, and originality I cannot read it aloud without stuttering or stopping. (15)
TOTAL: 75
Theory
Technical: I didn’t see any spelling mistakes and your overall word choice was nice. You really created a picture in my head with some of the words you used. (19)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you create a shelter we call home into death and destruction. Usually when people think of home, they think of protection yet in this poem, home is more of a murderer. You erase the home factor and make it into a cold, emotionless shelter. (17)
Verbal: Overall, your poem is easy to read aloud. I only stuttered once, which was in the third stanza, first line. When read and it has a nice rhythm to it. It flows nicely. (18)
Mood: The mood you create is nice. You pull at my heart strings and make me feel the sadness you create. You connect with the reader very well. I love the fact that you give us some back story, as this helps create the amount of love this person felt. (18)
Overall: Your poem was nice form the word choice, to the mood you create. Overall, I think this is a great, original poem that flows nicely and takes the reader into main characters emotions. (18)
TOTAL: 90
Venetia
Technical: I see no spelling mistakes and your word choice fits nicely. (17)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you make home seem more menacing then safe. Home is eventually what destroys this person, not helps. You give a whole new take on home, much like theory and make your poem memorable. (18)
Verbal: Most of your poem flows beautifully, though there was a line or two that threw me off. It seemed like you had a pattern going on then it all of sudden breaks up. Especially the last line, it sort of throws me off. (16)
Mood: I really can’t grade you on mood as this really isn’t an emotional poem. It’s more of a message. You convey the message clearly and bring deeper meaning. The reader is able to read in between the lines and actually think about what you are saying. Its not so much what you wrote that creates these ideas and is more of how you wrote it and your overall theme. (19)
Overall: I think this poem is nice and original. While a few lines threw me off when it came to reading, you told the message very clearly and used a wide arrange of vocabulary. (18)
TOTAL: 88
Wyatt
Technical: While your vocabulary may not be sophisticated, every word still has a nice place and is used properly. The only issue I have are those commas in the last line. Personally I wouldn’t have even put the commas. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I love the fact that you didn’t make home a haven. While half the poems did this, everyone’s seemed different including yours. Also, I like how you wrote your poem and the overall style. The free verse really works well with this poem. (19)
Verbal: Surprisingly, everything flowed well. Each line followed the next in smoothly. I liked the fact that you didn’t create repetitive rhythm unless at the end of the stanza. When done this way, it really doesn’t throw off the reader. The only issues I have here are the commas again. The really break the last line. (17)
Mood: The mood you create is nice and unique. The theme you also convey is original and told well. I also appreciate the fact that you splashed in some humor as well. It really makes this poem more light-hearted and fun, and who doesn’t like to read a fun poem. (19)
Overall: While you had issue with the last line, you exceeded in your originality and your overall mood. Your poem is fun to read and the way you tell it is unique and different. (18)
TOTAL: 89
Zackwell
Technical: While I see know spelling or grammar issues, your word choice is quite bland. You really don’t have any words that pop or make it special. (14)
Originality/Creativity: Your poem is quite boring. There is nothing original in neither the style nor the actual writing. It’s a poem about home, and that’s it. You need to actually make it unique by doing different things and taking risks. (9)
Verbal: While it verbally flows correctly, it is really boring to say. It’s in a monotone voice. There is nothing fun about reading it. Add some flare and make in jumpy and fun to read. (10)
Mood: Again, you set a sort of calm and boring mood. There really isn’t much going on. If there is a message, then I’m not picking it up. You really don’t have a mood, its just words on paper. You need to connect better with your audience and create ideas and pictures in their heads or make it fun and exciting. (8)
Overall: It’s a boring poem. There really isn’t much going on. Try to take a risk and do something different, as that is what creates good poets. (9)
TOTAL: 50
Key
Technical: Grammar, Spelling, Word choice.
Originality/Creativity: How creative and original you were. What makes your poem stand out?
Verbal: How well your poem flows
Mood: The mood you create. What picture do you paint in our heads?
Overall Effort: An overall thought of your poem. Did you put enough effort in?
~Each subject is worth 20 points. Total is out of 100.
EpE
Technical: You make a mistake in the second line as you misspelled bright. You forgot apostrophes on a few words. Also, you change tenses too much. Even with poems, it’s important to make a transition when you change tenses, not suddenly change. You repeat the same words a lot such as home and love. (10)
Originality/Creativity: You have a typical home poem. You explain home, but you don’t do anything unique. (8)
Verbal: Your poem is really hard to say aloud. When reading, I seem to stumble upon words. You need to make it flow better by using words that sound better together. (10)
Mood: You really don’t set a mood. Sure, you have descriptive words but these descriptive words really don’t paint a picture. It doesn’t really connect with me or bring back any memories. (7)
Overall: Well, you have obvious grammar issues and spelling issues. Other than that, you also don’t paint a picture in my head. (9)
TOTAL: 44
LooseEnds
Technical: You spell where wrong in every line. It is very distracting. You also have your when it should be you’re. I also think you meant to say warm instead of warn in the last line. (6)
Originality/Creativity: I like how you have different synonyms of home. Overall, its something that makes you poem stand out, as each word paints a different picture in my head. (14)
Verbal: Other than the first two lines, your poem flows well, except for those breaks. While I can see the pattern you tried to create, it doesn’t really work and it sounds odd when read aloud. (15)
Mood: While most of your poem really doesn’t connect with me, you do have a line or two that does such as trolling in your boxers. Overall though, the poem seems cold. You make most of the lines feel like definitions instead of actual heartfelt lines. (11)
Overall Effort: You misspelled where, which really through me off as that is a really basic word. I liked how you have different synonyms of the word home, but after each word it feels more like a definition than an actual line of heartfelt poetry. (12)
TOTAL: 58
Nightsway
Technical: I personally didn’t see any mistakes. Your word choice could be better though. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I don’t really see anything that makes your poem stand out. You don’t do anything unique and different. You basically have a whole bunch of short lines; you needed to actually do something with your poem. I will give you some credit for rhyming though. (7)
Verbal: Your poem overall is easy to say aloud. It flows nicely and seems to connect. The only problem I have is that you have different lines that create a sentence, and then you suddenly change where you give a statement in each line. It is not very consistent. (16)
Mood: You do have some nice descriptive words. I especially like the onimonipeas you have scattered in the poem. Overall though, I really don’t get it. It’s boring and doesn’t connect with me at all. It also confuses me, as I don’t understand the theme to this poem. (7)
Overall: Technical wise, your poem is very well written yet when it comes to connecting and engaging the reader, I feel like you totally missed. Your poem is cold in my opinion and not very original and to me, these are the two most important things in poetry. (5)
TOTAL: 51
Sechs
Technical: Your poem is very nice technical wise. Your word choice is appealing overall. You create images and sounds in my head. I didn’t see any typos either. (17)
Originality/Creativity: I love the fact that you used metaphors and similes to create the mood. You use these devices to create a vibrant poem. (16)
Verbal: I think you over killed it with the grammar and punctuation. It visual unappealing and confusing when read. Without these, it would have flowed smoothly, but all this punctuation creates a traffic jam when I read it aloud. (9)
Mood: It starts out nicely. You create a mood with the metaphors and word choice. But as the poem progresses, I start to not understand the theme to the poem. It confused me and I still don’t exactly get it. (13)
Overall: You create a great atmosphere with your word choice and metaphors, but you made it to confusing with the amount of punctuation and the lack of direction. (13)
TOTAL: 68
The Revolution
Technical: I did not see any spelling mistake. While your overall word choice was good, I think some better words could have been used in certain places. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you make home sound more of a person than an actual home. You give it that human factor. You use imagery and other tools to create a mood of death. You took home and gave it a whole new feeling. (18)
Verbal: Your poem is extremely hard to say aloud. I stuttered multiple times trying to read it. It doesn’t flow well and feels choppy. (7)
Mood: I like the mood you create. You make the reader feel death in multiple ways. You use devices that help create this mood. I feel the chill of the air and feel my life depleting. (19)
Overall: While you have great grammar, word choice, atmosphere, and originality I cannot read it aloud without stuttering or stopping. (15)
TOTAL: 75
Theory
Technical: I didn’t see any spelling mistakes and your overall word choice was nice. You really created a picture in my head with some of the words you used. (19)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you create a shelter we call home into death and destruction. Usually when people think of home, they think of protection yet in this poem, home is more of a murderer. You erase the home factor and make it into a cold, emotionless shelter. (17)
Verbal: Overall, your poem is easy to read aloud. I only stuttered once, which was in the third stanza, first line. When read and it has a nice rhythm to it. It flows nicely. (18)
Mood: The mood you create is nice. You pull at my heart strings and make me feel the sadness you create. You connect with the reader very well. I love the fact that you give us some back story, as this helps create the amount of love this person felt. (18)
Overall: Your poem was nice form the word choice, to the mood you create. Overall, I think this is a great, original poem that flows nicely and takes the reader into main characters emotions. (18)
TOTAL: 90
Venetia
Technical: I see no spelling mistakes and your word choice fits nicely. (17)
Originality/Creativity: I like the fact that you make home seem more menacing then safe. Home is eventually what destroys this person, not helps. You give a whole new take on home, much like theory and make your poem memorable. (18)
Verbal: Most of your poem flows beautifully, though there was a line or two that threw me off. It seemed like you had a pattern going on then it all of sudden breaks up. Especially the last line, it sort of throws me off. (16)
Mood: I really can’t grade you on mood as this really isn’t an emotional poem. It’s more of a message. You convey the message clearly and bring deeper meaning. The reader is able to read in between the lines and actually think about what you are saying. Its not so much what you wrote that creates these ideas and is more of how you wrote it and your overall theme. (19)
Overall: I think this poem is nice and original. While a few lines threw me off when it came to reading, you told the message very clearly and used a wide arrange of vocabulary. (18)
TOTAL: 88
Wyatt
Technical: While your vocabulary may not be sophisticated, every word still has a nice place and is used properly. The only issue I have are those commas in the last line. Personally I wouldn’t have even put the commas. (16)
Originality/Creativity: I love the fact that you didn’t make home a haven. While half the poems did this, everyone’s seemed different including yours. Also, I like how you wrote your poem and the overall style. The free verse really works well with this poem. (19)
Verbal: Surprisingly, everything flowed well. Each line followed the next in smoothly. I liked the fact that you didn’t create repetitive rhythm unless at the end of the stanza. When done this way, it really doesn’t throw off the reader. The only issues I have here are the commas again. The really break the last line. (17)
Mood: The mood you create is nice and unique. The theme you also convey is original and told well. I also appreciate the fact that you splashed in some humor as well. It really makes this poem more light-hearted and fun, and who doesn’t like to read a fun poem. (19)
Overall: While you had issue with the last line, you exceeded in your originality and your overall mood. Your poem is fun to read and the way you tell it is unique and different. (18)
TOTAL: 89
Zackwell
Technical: While I see know spelling or grammar issues, your word choice is quite bland. You really don’t have any words that pop or make it special. (14)
Originality/Creativity: Your poem is quite boring. There is nothing original in neither the style nor the actual writing. It’s a poem about home, and that’s it. You need to actually make it unique by doing different things and taking risks. (9)
Verbal: While it verbally flows correctly, it is really boring to say. It’s in a monotone voice. There is nothing fun about reading it. Add some flare and make in jumpy and fun to read. (10)
Mood: Again, you set a sort of calm and boring mood. There really isn’t much going on. If there is a message, then I’m not picking it up. You really don’t have a mood, its just words on paper. You need to connect better with your audience and create ideas and pictures in their heads or make it fun and exciting. (8)
Overall: It’s a boring poem. There really isn’t much going on. Try to take a risk and do something different, as that is what creates good poets. (9)
TOTAL: 50
1. Theory 90
2. Wyatt 89
3. Venetia 88
4. The Revolution 75
5. Sechs 68
6. LooseEnds 58
7. Nightsway 51
8. Zackwell 50
9. EpE 44
Sorry these results are so late and Im sorry they are biased and not supported by a second opinion. Im so sorry that I failed everyone in this competition. Thanks for participating and thanks for your patience.
dadevvtsvre
Sponsor
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you made a good contest and it's not your fault you were the only judge. I think it went well! :DBaconator":26okhcw6 said:
Wow. I really didn't expect that. I thought Whynot had it for sure.
Thanks.
I've been writing poetry since I was six. This years theme is very dark, for some reason. Here's a few other recent ones, for the curious.
Consider these NSFW, just in case. They are mildly more gruesome than my submission.
Linoleum
Category: Writing and Poetry
My name is Autumn Shepard.
I am 22 years old.
And now I stand before you,
shining bright as whitest gold.
I was not the sinner, but the sin;
But that was long ago.
I've long since tamed the beast within,
and so I beg you, let me go.
We understand your plea, Ms. Autumn.
But pleas are not enough.
If we set free each case that pled,
this institution would be naught.
So tell your story to us now.
We'll listen, every word.
Show us how you have reformed.
We'll determine if you're cured.
It started one November day,
I remember it was cold.
At that time I still lived at home,
I was twelve, not very old.
The house was dirty, mud and rust.
I remember it so clear.
My father stumbled in from work,
all I could smell was beer.
The air was thick, and yet so thin.
I remember I could barely breathe.
All the goosebumps on my skin,
so cold, but naught a breeze.
The colors all were dark,
the walls were red, or so they seemed.
The carpet smelled of ashes,
even though it'd just been cleaned.
My father looked at me.
I looked and him, and I was scared.
I didn't know where mama was,
but I knew he hadn't cared.
My father was a real strong man.
I hate him, to this day.
He used his strength for bad, bad things.
He took my soul away.
Are you saying that he raped you, Autumn?
I wouldn't go that far.
What did your father do to you?
He left me with a scar.
What kind of scar, what do you mean?
I think it's pretty clear.
He touched me, felt me, tortured me.
Whispered evil in my ear.
I'm sorry, Autumn, but we must ask:
How did that make you feel?
I despised him. I hated him.
I thought I'd never heal.
So Ms. Shepard, when you killed your dad,
what thoughts were in your mind?
I just wanted to hurt him bad.
My pain had made me blind.
I took the handgun from his room.
I placed it then in mine.
Under the pillow, on my bed.
I didn't think I'd have the spine.
When he came in, I tried to hide.
Thought maybe he'd just go away.
But he didn't leave, he never did.
My only thoughts were "not today."
As he approached the bedroom door,
I pulled the blanket to my face.
As he tried the knob, but it was locked,
I tried to dream a happy place.
But then he raised his voice to yell.
"Autumn, damnit! Let me in!"
I didn't answer, not a word.
I cringed behind the covers where I hid.
He kicked the door, to no avail.
His voice got louder, every word.
I covered my ears, to no avail.
The shouting still I heard.
Suddenly there was a crash,
and he came falling in.
My happy place was torn in two,
as his fingers brushed my skin.
He tore the covers from me,
then he followed with a smack.
My face was bruised, I felt the blood.
And then I got him back.
As blood and tears ran down my chin,
I grabbed the hidden gun.
I put it up against his head.
I knew that I had won.
The look upon his face was fear.
A look I long had known.
And then he laughed, and looked at me.
He said "My, how you have grown."
He didn't think that I could do it.
He didn't think he'd die.
For a second, I believed this too.
Before I shot him in the eye.
I pulled the trigger, he collapsed.
And then it's all a blur.
There's not much I remember,
but I remember her.
I remember blood, I remember tears.
I remember sweat, I remember fear.
I remember how my mother cried,
when she came in, and saw he died.
I don't know if she ever knew.
I don't know why I killed her, too.
All I knew was that I was through.
And because of this, I'm here with you.
Miss Autumn, it's a tragic tale.
We feel for you, we really do.
We never said it was your fault.
But is the killing really through?
It is, indeed. My years here have
been... "peaceful", so to speak.
The food's not bad, the people nice,
but the colors are kind of weak.
I want to live, I want to leave.
I want to breathe the air outside.
Good sirs, for it is Christmas Eve,
please, may I be untied?
Autumn, we cannot set you free.
We don't believe you to be well.
For Christmas Eve, where would you be,
if we let you leave this "hell"?
I'd go outside, and breathe the air.
Join in the winter's cold embrace.
I'd try the food, and see the trees.
I'd watch the people, show my face.
I'd enjoy the Christmas spirit,
I'd enjoy the Christmas lights.
I'd enjoy the Christmas music,
I'd enjoy the Eve's calm night.
I'm afraid that our decision is
that you must stay here with us.
However, one small favor,
I suppose is not too much.
We'll let you out, onto the roof.
To watch the Christmas from the sky.
You'll be escorted, for your safety.
But you can pick the lucky guy.
Merry Christmas, to you, Autumn.
In another year, we'll meet again.
We'll reevaluate your progress,
Maybe you can be free then.
Thank you, councilors.
You have all been but all too kind.
I'll enjoy my Christmas outing now,
if the four of you don't mind.
Proceed.
As the creaky hinge was opened,
and the two of them stepped out,
Autumn knew that she was home.
She didn't have a doubt.
She knew at once what she must do.
She didn't hesitate at all.
From the roof, herself she threw.
Her body landed like a doll.
Broken, bloody, all but dead.
She was finally satisfied.
Nine long years, she'd waited.
Waited for the day she died.
No more straight jackets, no blue pills.
No more linoleum, no more chills.
No more guards, no more reviews.
No more waiting to pay her dues.
But as she laid there, bleeding out,
she remembered a small detail.
A familiar pain, a final cry;
as she joined her dad in hell.
[EDIT: Linoleum was originally formatted with color and italics for the council's words.
It's nowhere near as attractive without the formatting, so you may wish to skip it.]
Requiem
The flashing lights, the sirens wail.
The curtains glow of red and blue.
So quick, the knife, exsanguinate.
I fall in the corner and stare at you.
Or at least what's left. Rewind.
You see, theory wasn't dead.
He never left, he only hid.
He built the perfect mirror,
your reflection on a bid.
Blending in, not sticking out.
A lie as cold as lies can be.
Pretended it's what I'm about,
your jeans and jobs and LSD.
But in the end, I couldn't hide.
The spinning calm ate me alive.
But still, I don't regret I tried,
I just wish that I had survived.
But humans like what they cannot touch.
They chase the things they cannot be.
We're destined to destroy ourselves,
We're broken born, and cutting free.
The magnetism, how it calls;
So animal, the unbred cure.
It's hatred wants me, as she falls
The sins of flesh are rarely pure.
So we fucking break the mirror down.
I bite her ear, she bites my neck.
A drop of blood, a greyish bruise.
The simple stains, a crimson speck.
The fire in her frightened eyes;
The devil's grin behind my breath;
The darkest hearts burned by desire;
The flaming core awaits my death.
The things I love, the things I hate.
I did love once, but followed fate.
The world took her from me,
in a blow I could not take.
So here I sit with you;
across your face my fingers rake.
Do I love you? Do I hate you?
Do I curl up and cry? Perhaps.
Do you love me? Should I make you?
Where are you going? No goodbye?
The world starts to spin;
my head gets sore, my heart goes numb.
Set down the scotch, forget the gin,
I will not let my life succumb.
I shouldn't drink when I feel like this.
Shouldn't cry when I'm in pain.
Shouldn't blink when you lie to me.
You shouldn't make it such a strain.
Which way is up? Which way is down?
Why do you look at me that way?
I'll make you shut your fucking mouth.
Don't you dare push me away!
The silence there that followed,
A single scream can break the night.
The neighbors all are watching.
So it's time to do what's right.
We don't deserve to live.
Not you, not me, not us.
So take this knife and feel my love.
I have nothing more to give.
Don't look at me like that.
Just hush now baby, don't you cry.
We'll be okay in the morning.
You and me, just you and I.
I take this knife and pierce your heart
So that you can feel for me.
Your blood so warm, I knew you cared.
And now I've set it free.
The flashing lights, the sirens wail.
The curtains glow of red and blue.
So quick, the knife, exsanguinate.
I fall in the corner and stare at you.
Your pretty blue eyes.
Your gentle lips.
Your bleeding heart.
Your sexy hips.
Your gorgeous hair.
Your softest skin.
Your fingernails.
You're made of sin.
So here's a sight true to behold
The two of us, just laying here.
The room is cold, it's oh so cold.
The devil waits, so we must go.
And this will be our Requiem.
Here's an old, old one, I was like 14...
Just in case anyone would like to read.
Critique, if you do. But in PM, not in this thread because that's not its purpose.
Thanks.
I've been writing poetry since I was six. This years theme is very dark, for some reason. Here's a few other recent ones, for the curious.
Consider these NSFW, just in case. They are mildly more gruesome than my submission.
Linoleum
Category: Writing and Poetry
My name is Autumn Shepard.
I am 22 years old.
And now I stand before you,
shining bright as whitest gold.
I was not the sinner, but the sin;
But that was long ago.
I've long since tamed the beast within,
and so I beg you, let me go.
We understand your plea, Ms. Autumn.
But pleas are not enough.
If we set free each case that pled,
this institution would be naught.
So tell your story to us now.
We'll listen, every word.
Show us how you have reformed.
We'll determine if you're cured.
It started one November day,
I remember it was cold.
At that time I still lived at home,
I was twelve, not very old.
The house was dirty, mud and rust.
I remember it so clear.
My father stumbled in from work,
all I could smell was beer.
The air was thick, and yet so thin.
I remember I could barely breathe.
All the goosebumps on my skin,
so cold, but naught a breeze.
The colors all were dark,
the walls were red, or so they seemed.
The carpet smelled of ashes,
even though it'd just been cleaned.
My father looked at me.
I looked and him, and I was scared.
I didn't know where mama was,
but I knew he hadn't cared.
My father was a real strong man.
I hate him, to this day.
He used his strength for bad, bad things.
He took my soul away.
Are you saying that he raped you, Autumn?
I wouldn't go that far.
What did your father do to you?
He left me with a scar.
What kind of scar, what do you mean?
I think it's pretty clear.
He touched me, felt me, tortured me.
Whispered evil in my ear.
I'm sorry, Autumn, but we must ask:
How did that make you feel?
I despised him. I hated him.
I thought I'd never heal.
So Ms. Shepard, when you killed your dad,
what thoughts were in your mind?
I just wanted to hurt him bad.
My pain had made me blind.
I took the handgun from his room.
I placed it then in mine.
Under the pillow, on my bed.
I didn't think I'd have the spine.
When he came in, I tried to hide.
Thought maybe he'd just go away.
But he didn't leave, he never did.
My only thoughts were "not today."
As he approached the bedroom door,
I pulled the blanket to my face.
As he tried the knob, but it was locked,
I tried to dream a happy place.
But then he raised his voice to yell.
"Autumn, damnit! Let me in!"
I didn't answer, not a word.
I cringed behind the covers where I hid.
He kicked the door, to no avail.
His voice got louder, every word.
I covered my ears, to no avail.
The shouting still I heard.
Suddenly there was a crash,
and he came falling in.
My happy place was torn in two,
as his fingers brushed my skin.
He tore the covers from me,
then he followed with a smack.
My face was bruised, I felt the blood.
And then I got him back.
As blood and tears ran down my chin,
I grabbed the hidden gun.
I put it up against his head.
I knew that I had won.
The look upon his face was fear.
A look I long had known.
And then he laughed, and looked at me.
He said "My, how you have grown."
He didn't think that I could do it.
He didn't think he'd die.
For a second, I believed this too.
Before I shot him in the eye.
I pulled the trigger, he collapsed.
And then it's all a blur.
There's not much I remember,
but I remember her.
I remember blood, I remember tears.
I remember sweat, I remember fear.
I remember how my mother cried,
when she came in, and saw he died.
I don't know if she ever knew.
I don't know why I killed her, too.
All I knew was that I was through.
And because of this, I'm here with you.
Miss Autumn, it's a tragic tale.
We feel for you, we really do.
We never said it was your fault.
But is the killing really through?
It is, indeed. My years here have
been... "peaceful", so to speak.
The food's not bad, the people nice,
but the colors are kind of weak.
I want to live, I want to leave.
I want to breathe the air outside.
Good sirs, for it is Christmas Eve,
please, may I be untied?
Autumn, we cannot set you free.
We don't believe you to be well.
For Christmas Eve, where would you be,
if we let you leave this "hell"?
I'd go outside, and breathe the air.
Join in the winter's cold embrace.
I'd try the food, and see the trees.
I'd watch the people, show my face.
I'd enjoy the Christmas spirit,
I'd enjoy the Christmas lights.
I'd enjoy the Christmas music,
I'd enjoy the Eve's calm night.
I'm afraid that our decision is
that you must stay here with us.
However, one small favor,
I suppose is not too much.
We'll let you out, onto the roof.
To watch the Christmas from the sky.
You'll be escorted, for your safety.
But you can pick the lucky guy.
Merry Christmas, to you, Autumn.
In another year, we'll meet again.
We'll reevaluate your progress,
Maybe you can be free then.
Thank you, councilors.
You have all been but all too kind.
I'll enjoy my Christmas outing now,
if the four of you don't mind.
Proceed.
As the creaky hinge was opened,
and the two of them stepped out,
Autumn knew that she was home.
She didn't have a doubt.
She knew at once what she must do.
She didn't hesitate at all.
From the roof, herself she threw.
Her body landed like a doll.
Broken, bloody, all but dead.
She was finally satisfied.
Nine long years, she'd waited.
Waited for the day she died.
No more straight jackets, no blue pills.
No more linoleum, no more chills.
No more guards, no more reviews.
No more waiting to pay her dues.
But as she laid there, bleeding out,
she remembered a small detail.
A familiar pain, a final cry;
as she joined her dad in hell.
It's nowhere near as attractive without the formatting, so you may wish to skip it.]
Requiem
The flashing lights, the sirens wail.
The curtains glow of red and blue.
So quick, the knife, exsanguinate.
I fall in the corner and stare at you.
Or at least what's left. Rewind.
You see, theory wasn't dead.
He never left, he only hid.
He built the perfect mirror,
your reflection on a bid.
Blending in, not sticking out.
A lie as cold as lies can be.
Pretended it's what I'm about,
your jeans and jobs and LSD.
But in the end, I couldn't hide.
The spinning calm ate me alive.
But still, I don't regret I tried,
I just wish that I had survived.
But humans like what they cannot touch.
They chase the things they cannot be.
We're destined to destroy ourselves,
We're broken born, and cutting free.
The magnetism, how it calls;
So animal, the unbred cure.
It's hatred wants me, as she falls
The sins of flesh are rarely pure.
So we fucking break the mirror down.
I bite her ear, she bites my neck.
A drop of blood, a greyish bruise.
The simple stains, a crimson speck.
The fire in her frightened eyes;
The devil's grin behind my breath;
The darkest hearts burned by desire;
The flaming core awaits my death.
The things I love, the things I hate.
I did love once, but followed fate.
The world took her from me,
in a blow I could not take.
So here I sit with you;
across your face my fingers rake.
Do I love you? Do I hate you?
Do I curl up and cry? Perhaps.
Do you love me? Should I make you?
Where are you going? No goodbye?
The world starts to spin;
my head gets sore, my heart goes numb.
Set down the scotch, forget the gin,
I will not let my life succumb.
I shouldn't drink when I feel like this.
Shouldn't cry when I'm in pain.
Shouldn't blink when you lie to me.
You shouldn't make it such a strain.
Which way is up? Which way is down?
Why do you look at me that way?
I'll make you shut your fucking mouth.
Don't you dare push me away!
The silence there that followed,
A single scream can break the night.
The neighbors all are watching.
So it's time to do what's right.
We don't deserve to live.
Not you, not me, not us.
So take this knife and feel my love.
I have nothing more to give.
Don't look at me like that.
Just hush now baby, don't you cry.
We'll be okay in the morning.
You and me, just you and I.
I take this knife and pierce your heart
So that you can feel for me.
Your blood so warm, I knew you cared.
And now I've set it free.
The flashing lights, the sirens wail.
The curtains glow of red and blue.
So quick, the knife, exsanguinate.
I fall in the corner and stare at you.
Your pretty blue eyes.
Your gentle lips.
Your bleeding heart.
Your sexy hips.
Your gorgeous hair.
Your softest skin.
Your fingernails.
You're made of sin.
So here's a sight true to behold
The two of us, just laying here.
The room is cold, it's oh so cold.
The devil waits, so we must go.
And this will be our Requiem.
Here's an old, old one, I was like 14...
Blood Flower
Wind and fire, water, rain
These petals will never feel
Broken, withered, remember pain
Pain that is not real
Left behind by the eye of the storm
To fend for myself, again alone
And then came winter, snowest form
It chilled my stalk down to the bone
But spring will come and place to rest
The tragic loss of blood
And this flower will bloom to be the best
Amidst a field of mud
And though there I be, I stand alone
to face the summer heat
And be smothered in its warm embrace
As tangled are my feet
To leave a life of shame behind
Need soil for my rest
I'll die alone on trampled ground
No other flower against my chest.
Wind and fire, water, rain
These petals will never feel
Broken, withered, remember pain
Pain that is not real
Left behind by the eye of the storm
To fend for myself, again alone
And then came winter, snowest form
It chilled my stalk down to the bone
But spring will come and place to rest
The tragic loss of blood
And this flower will bloom to be the best
Amidst a field of mud
And though there I be, I stand alone
to face the summer heat
And be smothered in its warm embrace
As tangled are my feet
To leave a life of shame behind
Need soil for my rest
I'll die alone on trampled ground
No other flower against my chest.
Just in case anyone would like to read.
Critique, if you do. But in PM, not in this thread because that's not its purpose.
Hey guys, sorry I couldn't finish my results. I just ended up having a load of things to do that I didn't know were going to happen. I didn't think it was fair of me to give scores without reasons, and since I didn't have time to give reasons I didn't quite finish.
For the record, I would have given first place to Sechs.
These are the results I had (I was about halfway finished)
Also, for the record I think Bacon is on crack with his results xD. Especially on Sechs' poem. Sechs, I could tell that you took more time with your poem than anyone else did. I would have given sechs pretty close to a 100. I also would not have given Wyatt and Venetia and thoery quite that many points. I probably would have given them around 70 to 75, just because they seemed to be lacking the polish that Sech's poem had. Theory's poem in particular seemed to be lacking a bit in focus, so I was surprised that he go first.
If anyone wants me to give them a full review on their poem, let me know. I'd be particularly interested to speak with Sechs about his.
For the record, I would have given first place to Sechs.
These are the results I had (I was about halfway finished)
I am scoring based on:
-Self-pride (How much it appears the writer actually put into making a good poem)
-Imagery (How well detail is given)
-Technical (How well the poem is constructed physically
-Importance (How well the poem gets its meaning across, and whether or not people should "care" about what the author is saying (IE, if it applies to a limited number of people, you'd get marked down))
-Overall
EpE
Every Day is Home
Self-Pride: Ok, to start off I will use EpE as an example of how important spelling can be in a Poem. I find it hard to grasp a situation in where the writer could have truly put effort into their poem when there are spelling mistakes. With prose, you can get away with it because it can be hard to find that misspelled word in a sea of words. Poetry, however, is designed to put emphasis on each word so there is less excuse. Moreover, This spelling mistake appears on the first line making it obvious that no serious attempt to proofread was made. 65/100
Imagery: I can see that some effort here was at least put in to try to describe each object in the poem, which is good. Unfortunately, the same word, "Warm" is used to describe far too much. No part of the structure of the poem indicates that warmth is supposed to be a key concept, other than the fact that the word is used so often. Generally, when a writer wants to emphasize a particular word, the rhyme scheme, or the meter, or some other 'sound' device will be used to help out. The absence of any sound devices at all makes it hard for me to believe that the use of warm was significant. 75/100
Technical: Again, words are repeated too often. To emphasize a particular word or phrase, you have to do more than just repeat it. Otherwise, the reader is left thinking "Yeah, I get it. The poem is about home." What you want to do, like I mentioned before, is use a sound device. Do something that makes it so not only os the word home repeated but that the snytax is repeated. Put home at the same syllable every line, perhaps make it so home is accompanied by the same words every time. Also, improper grammar leaves a few clauses here hard to understand. You are allowed to fudge the rules of grammar per line and per sentence, however each clause (Or each idea) still has to be properly constructed, unless the deviation was deliberate and served a purpose. Unfortunately, I do not see that here. I also see a severe inconsistency in tenses, which further hurts the score. 40/100
Importance: Unfortunately, this category ends up being affected by the other sections. Unnecessary repetition and poor construction leaves this as just being another description of another person's home. Try to add some significance by describing some event that wouldn't be considered commonplace. I suppose that can be hard to do in this case, so perhaps describing something common as if it were strange would work. 65/100
Overall: I think that a lot of this could have been fixed with a couple proofreading sessions. When it appears that the writer doesn't care enough to give it a second thought, the reader will generally feel the same way. 55/100
LooseEnds
Untitled
Self-Pride: I think it is cool that the writer tried to do something different. The fact that they did something different is the only thing that saves them from an abysmal score in this area, because it is unfortunately riddled with spelling mistakes that could have easily been caught with a second look. 60/100
Imagery: Since detail was not the focus of this poem, instead I have to look at what it did try to do-- define what home is by defining synonyms. The first few definitions are good, they are widely varied. Towards the end it becomes apparent that the writer was stretching for material. It was a good idea, but I think more time should have been spent on the execution 70/100
Techical: Here again, the writer reaps the rewards of just taking the time to try something new. I think it was a good move to try something new like this. I do, however, have complainst about 2 things that detract from the score: First, surfeit does not rhyme with chafe and safe. You can stretch the rhymes a bit, but that was not even close. Second, the progressively narrowing structure is cool, but remember that the structure is supposed to mirror the meaning. The meaning itself does not have that narrowing effects as the poem continues. Instead, a rigid, dictionary-like structure would have been better suited to match the definition idea. 80/100
Importance: The new approach to defining what home is helps, but the fact remains that you are still just defining what home is. It's been done to death, and that prevents you from getting a top score in this area. 70/100
Overall: Great attempt to try something new with an overdone concept such as this. Spending more time reading through your own work, and coming up with a logical structure would have helped a lot. If I had seen those two things, I would have liked this poem a lot more. 70/100
Nightsway
Untitled
Self-Pride: Here is the first example of how a little bit of pride can go a long way. This poem is free of all spelling and grammar errors except one spelling mistake on the 4th to last line that was hard for me to spot. The only other thing preventing a perfect score in this area is the fact that I am reserving some room for people who go the extra distance with structure and importance. 87/100
Imagery: The imagery here is superb. I can really feels as if I am being walked along through this dilapidated scene. The only complaint I have here is the fact that the writer switched from the visual images to the audio images when he talks about the creaking and cracking. It's important to keep some sort of consistency. Perhaps if you added more audio images so there was a balance, or if you sprinkled the aduio images in. Instead, they are kind of lumped there so it's quite an abrupt swerve. 90/100
Technical: The structure is OK. Nothing too spectacular going on here, just a simple string of couplets followed by a rapid succession of single lines to finish out. The problem I have here is that the structure is a little hard to follow. You have to look a couple times to see where the change in pace comes. I think an ABAC would have worked a little better than an ABCB. Also, it looks like you tried to keep a regular meter, but you couldn't quite hold it together. 80/100
Importance: There is no question that the images was conveyed effectively. I don't think it could be more clear if you stuck it on the front of an 18-wheeler and ran someone down with it. The problem, however, is that the message is nothing new. 85/100
Overall: Good work on providing a solid execution of a tried and tested method. 87/100
Sechs
Insignificant Place
Self-Pride: This poem is a great example of how just sitting down and taking the extra time to read through your poem to yourself can go a long way. No spelling or grammar errors show that the writer must have read it over again in their head, but the fact that there are no sound errors either show the writer has likely also read it aloud. 100/100
-Self-pride (How much it appears the writer actually put into making a good poem)
-Imagery (How well detail is given)
-Technical (How well the poem is constructed physically
-Importance (How well the poem gets its meaning across, and whether or not people should "care" about what the author is saying (IE, if it applies to a limited number of people, you'd get marked down))
-Overall
EpE
Every Day is Home
Self-Pride: Ok, to start off I will use EpE as an example of how important spelling can be in a Poem. I find it hard to grasp a situation in where the writer could have truly put effort into their poem when there are spelling mistakes. With prose, you can get away with it because it can be hard to find that misspelled word in a sea of words. Poetry, however, is designed to put emphasis on each word so there is less excuse. Moreover, This spelling mistake appears on the first line making it obvious that no serious attempt to proofread was made. 65/100
Imagery: I can see that some effort here was at least put in to try to describe each object in the poem, which is good. Unfortunately, the same word, "Warm" is used to describe far too much. No part of the structure of the poem indicates that warmth is supposed to be a key concept, other than the fact that the word is used so often. Generally, when a writer wants to emphasize a particular word, the rhyme scheme, or the meter, or some other 'sound' device will be used to help out. The absence of any sound devices at all makes it hard for me to believe that the use of warm was significant. 75/100
Technical: Again, words are repeated too often. To emphasize a particular word or phrase, you have to do more than just repeat it. Otherwise, the reader is left thinking "Yeah, I get it. The poem is about home." What you want to do, like I mentioned before, is use a sound device. Do something that makes it so not only os the word home repeated but that the snytax is repeated. Put home at the same syllable every line, perhaps make it so home is accompanied by the same words every time. Also, improper grammar leaves a few clauses here hard to understand. You are allowed to fudge the rules of grammar per line and per sentence, however each clause (Or each idea) still has to be properly constructed, unless the deviation was deliberate and served a purpose. Unfortunately, I do not see that here. I also see a severe inconsistency in tenses, which further hurts the score. 40/100
Importance: Unfortunately, this category ends up being affected by the other sections. Unnecessary repetition and poor construction leaves this as just being another description of another person's home. Try to add some significance by describing some event that wouldn't be considered commonplace. I suppose that can be hard to do in this case, so perhaps describing something common as if it were strange would work. 65/100
Overall: I think that a lot of this could have been fixed with a couple proofreading sessions. When it appears that the writer doesn't care enough to give it a second thought, the reader will generally feel the same way. 55/100
LooseEnds
Untitled
Self-Pride: I think it is cool that the writer tried to do something different. The fact that they did something different is the only thing that saves them from an abysmal score in this area, because it is unfortunately riddled with spelling mistakes that could have easily been caught with a second look. 60/100
Imagery: Since detail was not the focus of this poem, instead I have to look at what it did try to do-- define what home is by defining synonyms. The first few definitions are good, they are widely varied. Towards the end it becomes apparent that the writer was stretching for material. It was a good idea, but I think more time should have been spent on the execution 70/100
Techical: Here again, the writer reaps the rewards of just taking the time to try something new. I think it was a good move to try something new like this. I do, however, have complainst about 2 things that detract from the score: First, surfeit does not rhyme with chafe and safe. You can stretch the rhymes a bit, but that was not even close. Second, the progressively narrowing structure is cool, but remember that the structure is supposed to mirror the meaning. The meaning itself does not have that narrowing effects as the poem continues. Instead, a rigid, dictionary-like structure would have been better suited to match the definition idea. 80/100
Importance: The new approach to defining what home is helps, but the fact remains that you are still just defining what home is. It's been done to death, and that prevents you from getting a top score in this area. 70/100
Overall: Great attempt to try something new with an overdone concept such as this. Spending more time reading through your own work, and coming up with a logical structure would have helped a lot. If I had seen those two things, I would have liked this poem a lot more. 70/100
Nightsway
Untitled
Self-Pride: Here is the first example of how a little bit of pride can go a long way. This poem is free of all spelling and grammar errors except one spelling mistake on the 4th to last line that was hard for me to spot. The only other thing preventing a perfect score in this area is the fact that I am reserving some room for people who go the extra distance with structure and importance. 87/100
Imagery: The imagery here is superb. I can really feels as if I am being walked along through this dilapidated scene. The only complaint I have here is the fact that the writer switched from the visual images to the audio images when he talks about the creaking and cracking. It's important to keep some sort of consistency. Perhaps if you added more audio images so there was a balance, or if you sprinkled the aduio images in. Instead, they are kind of lumped there so it's quite an abrupt swerve. 90/100
Technical: The structure is OK. Nothing too spectacular going on here, just a simple string of couplets followed by a rapid succession of single lines to finish out. The problem I have here is that the structure is a little hard to follow. You have to look a couple times to see where the change in pace comes. I think an ABAC would have worked a little better than an ABCB. Also, it looks like you tried to keep a regular meter, but you couldn't quite hold it together. 80/100
Importance: There is no question that the images was conveyed effectively. I don't think it could be more clear if you stuck it on the front of an 18-wheeler and ran someone down with it. The problem, however, is that the message is nothing new. 85/100
Overall: Good work on providing a solid execution of a tried and tested method. 87/100
Sechs
Insignificant Place
Self-Pride: This poem is a great example of how just sitting down and taking the extra time to read through your poem to yourself can go a long way. No spelling or grammar errors show that the writer must have read it over again in their head, but the fact that there are no sound errors either show the writer has likely also read it aloud. 100/100
Also, for the record I think Bacon is on crack with his results xD. Especially on Sechs' poem. Sechs, I could tell that you took more time with your poem than anyone else did. I would have given sechs pretty close to a 100. I also would not have given Wyatt and Venetia and thoery quite that many points. I probably would have given them around 70 to 75, just because they seemed to be lacking the polish that Sech's poem had. Theory's poem in particular seemed to be lacking a bit in focus, so I was surprised that he go first.
If anyone wants me to give them a full review on their poem, let me know. I'd be particularly interested to speak with Sechs about his.
Yeah, I do. I also didn't seem to agree with Bacon's viewpoints on my poem, since I put forth a ton of effort on this poem.
Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, it can be free verse, like mine. Even though my poem's structure varied somewhat, it still gave forth a pretty clear message. One usually has to read in between the lines to understand what is truly being said.
I don't seem to agree with Bacon's statement that I "killed" my poem with grammar and punctuation; last I checked, everything seemed right. >.>
Some of my friends and family read the poem and understood the theme and direction, but that's them. I am a bit confused as to why Bacon didn't understand the direction.
Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, it can be free verse, like mine. Even though my poem's structure varied somewhat, it still gave forth a pretty clear message. One usually has to read in between the lines to understand what is truly being said.
I don't seem to agree with Bacon's statement that I "killed" my poem with grammar and punctuation; last I checked, everything seemed right. >.>
Some of my friends and family read the poem and understood the theme and direction, but that's them. I am a bit confused as to why Bacon didn't understand the direction.
Yeah, haha. I've got to be honest and say that he was way off. Your poem was the only one I saw that had a distinct direction that was followed evenly and consistently throughout. It had a very nice rhythm that was, again, carried out evenly and consistently. Pretty much the only thing I had a problem with was that I think you could have done more with choosing a topic. It's just a personal preference, but when I am giving a topic as bland as home, I tend to try to get as far away from it as I can while still being OK in terms of the requirement.
That's the thing about poetry. There are so many different styles and preferences, you really can't have an open-to-all-styles poetry contest and define results as solid fact. This was more interesting in the sense of getting to read a variety of works in different styles and perspectives. I don't think that "grading" is really fair in any sense.
I enjoyed participating, as I'm sure several did. And IMO, that's the only point a contest like this could have.
I enjoyed participating, as I'm sure several did. And IMO, that's the only point a contest like this could have.
Well, while there is a lot of personal taste involved in poetry, there are some things that are just wrong. Things like misspelling, dangling modifiers stuff like that. Grammar does matter in poetry. Perhaps more so than in prose because there's less context in poetry to figure out the intended meaning.