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Repetition is a rhetoric technique. It isn't something that is done because a writer enjoys to make his dialogue long and pointless, it is done because it creates dramatic effect and lodges a point in short term memory. I am not saying that I have achieved that with this piece, simply pointing out that repeition is not always a bad thing.

Also, keep doing what you're doing Lene. I'd become too content with my writing ability. You've shown me that I'm still pretty mediocre and need to continue working at it. Even if it does come as a slap in the face, it helps in the long run.
 

Tdata

Sponsor

@SPN: Nice. Can't wait to read more or play the game.

Here is one of my ideas written in story form.
One night as you lay down in bed you feel a sharp poke in your back. Like a needle when they take blood. The world begins to turn warped then starts to dissolve.

You wake up upon a cold hard surface. There is a bright light a few feet from your head. All around you, people in lab coats are milling about. You notice out of the corner of your eye, a man leaving while pocketing what looks to be an old style watch. As you glance around yourself, you begin to notice various instruments. You ask the obvious question, "Where am I?â€Â
 
Whoa. You've done an excellent job of building up your story's mystery. There's definitely a sci-fi element there. When I was reading this, it made me think of The 4400 with the whole abducting people from time bit. I like what you have so far and am curious as to how it would play out in a game.

So, you're going to have a naked character running around on screen?
 
alexia- Okay, if you say so.

Dorito;188289":290ty4qh said:
Repetition is a rhetoric technique. It isn't something that is done because a writer enjoys to make his dialogue long and pointless, it is done because it creates dramatic effect and lodges a point in short term memory. I am not saying that I have achieved that with this piece, simply pointing out that repeition is not always a bad thing.

I understand that, however I don't think that you're using the term repetition in the right way. Repetition as a rhetoric technique almost always (if not always) involves repeating words, not ideas.

Here's an example of the repetition that you're talking about:
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. . . .[/FONT]

In the above it's obvious that the repetition of "We shall" creates an intense effect on the piece. If I was going to read it out loud, it'd be almost a crescendo with every declaration.

Where is this in what you wrote?

Also, keep doing what you're doing Lene. I'd become too content with my writing ability. You've shown me that I'm still pretty mediocre and need to continue working at it. Even if it does come as a slap in the face, it helps in the long run.

Thank you. :)

TData - I agree with alexia, wow! That was intriguing, and I was sorry when it ended. There were some spelling mistakes, I felt at times you could have more second-person perspective and that your long blocks of dialouge should be broken up with other things, but what you have so far works well.
 
It can be used in a variety of ways, but you are probably right in saying that the way I was attempting to use it didn't work. To save derailing the topic I will say no more.
 

Tdata

Sponsor

@Lene & Alexia :
Thank you. It took 3 weeks to write that little bit while running a cash register at Walmart. I've put it down for now, with the exception of my idea 'journal' for it. I posted it on Deviant Art and everyone wants me to finish it. I just have to find my lil notebook so i can begin again. And i tend to ignore spelling mistakes until i'm ready to rewrite the story.

Here is another one. It is a lot shorter as i'm still working with it.
As in the beginning so as in the end. We will start at a time known only as the age of Arisid. Why it is call thus, we know not. We do know that during this age many people when to war for a cause not of thier own and that many died for nothing but the greed of a lord and lady. Most were conscripts and slaves to thier liege lord with thier freedom taken from them. We start near one such soldier. He is 20 years old and was taken from his home by the recruiters of Marcus Quin, the lord of the land. Dispite this soldier's dislike for the war, he has fought with an honor few would have in his stead. He has, just this day infact, risin to the rank of second file captain. While he isn't displeased, he also isn't overjoyed. He abhors all the bloodshed over a scape of land. He sees no point in it and takes no pleasure in battle, unlike most of his fellow soldiers. He never touches the spoils of war. He saves his pay towards the day the war ends and he may return home. While most of the soldiers are off at the tents in the arms of a woman, he sits in his tent reading about far away places and the adventures people in other lands and other times.

A messager bursts in on the soldier's quiet contemplation. "You are needed, gather your things."

"I'll be right there." the soldier reponds whilst strapping on his sword and pulling a cloak about himself. The Cloak and sword are the only items the soldier can claim as his own. His armor and clothing are the property of Marcus Quin as are the rest of the items about his tent. He leaves them there for someone else to deal with. The messager leads the soldier to a large tent near the center of the large encampment. The messager departs leaving the soldier at the threshold. The soldier takes deep breath, trying to recall any thing he might have done to be called to one of the command tents. Assuring himself that he has commited no transgression he steps into the tent. He takes note of the commander around a large table with some sort of figures atop a map.
 
hhe I guess ILl post mine, I dont know how to hide contenet cause I'm that mch of a noob but here goes.

Basic story line
You play as the heir to the throne of(lets just sa cat kingdom no matter how gay that sounds) and are sent of to be sanctified before you take your palce. You really dont want the responsobility of ruleing a kingdom but you go along anyways and feel you have no other choice. After leaving your kingdom it is invaded by a clan of vampires that are after an anciant secret that gave them imortality but also made them powerfull monsters capable of mass destruction. the secret was sealed away hundreds of years ago and was sposed to be forgotten but very few new it still reamained. You must retrive you kingdom by putting together a party of fun and quirky characters and collecting a variety of artifacts to help you sneak back into your kingdom and defeat the vampire threat.

and this is the opening scene which im pretty sure can be reworded and shortend to only be a few minuts.

Opening scene

Shimo walks down the stairs followed by Kit and two maids and a priestess.
Advisor walks out of side room.

Advisor: Ah Kit you are looking wonderful this morning.
I’m sure you exited to finally be off to be sanctified
so you can become the rightful heir to the throne

Kit: Uhg. Please. If things were my way Tori would be taking
the throne instead of me.

Advisor: Well your parents were clear that it was to be you
on your 18th birthday to take over the kingdom and
not your brother

Kit: *sigh* I know its what they wished but...I just cant handle
the responsibility! I want to be able to do as I please without
having to worry about a kingdom to run.

Adviser: Ah young Kit, I'm sure it will ware off soon and you will
happily take your place on the throne.

Kit: *sigh* I guess your right. Well Shimo, you ready to hit the road?

Shimo: Mhm I cant stand waiting here another minutes. Lets go!

Shimo, Kit and the two maidens walk out the door just as Tori enters to stand beside the advisor.

Advisor: well, There she goes.

Tori: ...


Three claoked figures walk out and knock the advisor and tori unconscious.
The screen fades to black...

Meanwhile
...Fades into a starlit sky then we see kit swimming in a mountain spring

Kit: DAMN! I thought this was supposed to be some sacred hot spring!

Shimo: but isn’t it?

Kit: The waters freezing!

Shimo: heh, the heat must of left when the mountain went inactive.

Kit: ya think?

Shimo: eh quit your whining, I’m sure it cant be that cold.

Kit: Oh really? C’mon in and see for yourself.

Shimo: I couldn’t intrude on your sacred sanctification

Kit: No really, I insist.

Shimo falls into the pool and both girls splash and laugh until the priestess returns with a bowl of something and scolds them for not taking such matters so seriously.

Kit: ...

Suddenly two soldiers aproach and kit covers herself in the water.

Priestess: What is the meaning of this?!

Soldier: I'm sorry milady but we have just come from the kingdom and...

Soldier2: it’s been overrun by vampires!

Priestess: What?!

Soldier: that’s right, not a single place remaining in the kingdom that’s not filled with the bloody creatures.

Soldier: Aye, swarmed the whole city they have.

Priestess: We must return at once!

Soldier: There’s no chance of that, all the roads are blocked and our troops have been forced to retreat, they should be here in a few hours.

Soldier2: Aye and I fear that their after the…

Priestess: Silence! You know that THAT is never to be discussed!

Kit: what is…?

Priestess: Nothing that concerns you at the moment

Kit: Well then what should we do?

Priestess: We need help, go to the neighboring kingdom and alert their king of our plight
I will stay here and wait for our troops and help take care of the wounded.

Kit: But what will happen to the kingdom, what will happen to everyone there?

Priestess: They will be fine! Now go child there is not a moment to lose!

Priestess and maidens leave and you take your place at the control’s.


Priestess and maidens leave and you take your place at the controlls.
 

Tdata

Sponsor

If you are talking about the first story bit i submitted, my idea was that "you" are the character. But, I'll look into that. I appreciate the suggestion.
 
Well, here's a story idea that came to my head a few days ago. Keep in mind, it's still being developed and this isn't going to be what is actually said, but the basic gist of it.

There was a great war between two countries - Aldenia and Brimmage. It had been going on for years, and it seemed to have no end. Suddenly, the Aldenians attacked the Capitol City of Brimmage, Hemelstad. In the midst of all the chaos, a general of the Brimmage's army, Melchior, entered the forbidden Celestial Tower, in the middle of the city. No one knows why he did, but many suspect he wanted the power for himself so he could rise to be the King of Brimmage and eventully the world. Nevertheless, when he reached the top of the tower, something terrible happened. A great power was released, and in an instant, a cursed aura spread throughout the city and the surrounding areas. Many people died, but a few survived due to them being evacuated underground.

However, it was found out that the people who were thought to be dead were not dead. They were neither alive. They had been turned into creatures of the undead. Many of the survivors were killed by these undead creatures, but 10 or so survived.

According to witnesses, Melchior did not die. When he came out from the tower, his skin was pale white, he had red eyes, and white hair. He had become something like a Vampire. That day, he left the area, by transforming into a bat and flying off.

No one was suprised that, soon after that, Aldenia assumed contorl over Brimmage. After all, it's king and many of its soldier were dead. They built a wall, seperating the areas affected by Melchior's actions and the areas that were not affected. This was because the affected areas were seemingly poisoned, and because of the undead threat. Some of the undead roam outside the wall, but are no stronger than a common animal. It is said that the deeper you go inside the wall, the stronger the undead will be.

It has been 11 years since that time. Young Gilda and Orpheus Vaatman's father was killed during the 'God's Wrath' incident, as it had come to be called. Their mother died of sickness 2 months past, a sickness she has had since shortly after their father died. The brother and sister had lived on their own until now. The sister, Gilda, was 23 years old and had become very protective of Orpheus, her brother, who was nearly 17. Orpheus decides to set off towards the infamous temple that was said to be the home of the vampire-like Melchior, in order to get revenge for his mother and father's death. Gilda, being protective like always, decides to go with him. So now, the two set off in order to discover the truth about what happened 11 years past and why it happened.

Its just a rough draft right now, but its the basic backstory. Eventually, in the game, you will learn why Melchior did what he did, what really caused the curse and the deaths of thousands, and what the Celestial Tower really is. By the way, the name of the game is Tears of the Moirae.
 
@Tdata: There really wasn't anything that grabbed my attention. Let's see. There's a dissatisfied soldier who is being called in to a commander's tent or something like that. Perhaps it's what happens in the tent that moves the plot forward.

@Siggy: Watch out for modern colloquialisms. For your time period, "Let's hit the road" sounds out of place. Usually, I try to only comment on the content instead of the mechanics, but you had numerous spelling errors that could have been caught and corrected on your second read-through. I'm not really feeling anything for the whole "hero goes on random adventure and collects party members" theme. The vampires might make an interesting twist. Perhaps you can delve more into the vampire aspect of your story.

@Kaze: Hmm. More vampires. At first, when you said "undead", I was thinking zombies. Okay, so you have a tower that releases a cursed aura that turns people into vampires and two heroes set off to discover the truth. I'm not sure what I feel about this yet. Perhaps I need to read more.
 
heh, yeah I was afraid I couldnt build the whole story on that. There is more to do wtih the vampires and there are 4 clans that are supose to be living in harmony with the other kingdoms and the vampires have their own wars going on. As for time period its all twisted, Thiefs with giant hammers, explosive experts with bombs and bazookas, mechanics crushing ppl with wrenches and bullet wiches wielding an asortmant of fire arms. Plus there is lots off technology in the game yet a lot of jappan and victorian erra feel to it. not quite steampunk but there are lots of its elements. so, yeah its not medevil haha.
Ill work on rewritting it a bit and post the new version and I also corect the spelling errors haha.

EDIT!: Ok first post is edited. And for the vampires there are 4 clans, one clan has been waring with the other three for years and is now trying to regain their imortality and deamon forms to whipe everyone out, there is a whole other story twist that I cant give away cause then it will all be ruined =(
Any ideas or sugestions I should add to it though?
 
(I don't have my full Design Doc with me, else I would post the game thread [finally] tonight. Because of this, I'll give a quick outline and the piece of dialogue I do have on my laptop).

The Characters, an overview
The 4 main characters (Carl, William, Isabella, Abbey) are young adults (19-21) living in the semi-Edwardian, semi-fictional, city of Beaumonde. The game, or rather episodes, portrays their life in this city and juxtaposing town of the so called "Foot of the Walk". The episodes document their lives after the death, and ensuing events, of William's ex-con father, whilst on the run from the law. Their lifestyle is rather lavish, with them living in slight squalor at the expense of their lifestyles- think wine, drugs and nightlife. In this scene Hitchen is a regular of the Red Lion Pub, and a good friend of Carl's, though we do not know how a well educated boy such as Carl came to be good friends with a scoundrel such as Hitchen.

The Scene

(This scene is set in The Red Lion pub in the "Foot of The Walk" area of Beaumonde, about 15 minutes into the first episode. 3 of the characters (William, Carl and Abbey) are sat around a table with Lion regular Hitchen- it is Abbey's first time meeting Hitchen. The smoke from nearby tables is thick overhead, and Carl is doing his fair share to contribute to it. We open in the middle of a conversation.)

Hitchen: ...So then he goes, "Mate I didn' know it were ye' Mum like. I just though' she were some local."

Carl: And I assume you hit him with the poker then?

Hitchen: Ay. Right around the head, straight in the family jewels and down he went.

(Abbey tuts slightly)

William: That wasn't exactly promoting good family values was it. If your son had walked out he'd have seen you beating a man.

Carl: Yeah, you could at least have kicked him down the stairs out of the way first.

(Abbeys tuts again)

Carl (turning): Hm?

Abbey: Well I just find it slightly off-putting that you found that normal and would have rather he kicked him down a flight of stairs.

(William titters slightly. Carl draws another cigarette out of the packet and lights it)

Carl: Would you rather Hitchen's poor defenceless mother had been manhandled by the bloke instead? That's hardly much better

Abbey: You know damn well what I meant. And Carl, I do wish you'd cut out the cigarettes. Honestly, I can handle the other stuff, but they really will kill you.

(Carl takes it out and examines it. Shrugging he replaces it).

Carl: What doesn't kill me immediately and all.

(Abbey is cut off before she is able to rebuke Carl by William's mobile ringing loudly, the ringtone being a drunken Carl and William chanting loudly)

William: Hm? Hello?

Abbey: The saying is "What doesn't kill me" Carl, not "What doesn't kill me immediately" and you know it. Please don't keep saying it as an argument.

(Carl chuckles, but is cut short by William jumping up shaking)

William: No...Oh..When?....Out of...No I haven't seen him.

(William removes the phone from his ear)

William (Hurriedly): I have to get back. NOW. I'll see you back at the flat.

(William runs out leaving Abbey looking worried)

Abbey: Aren't you going to follow him?

Carl: Of course. But I feel finishing this pint is more urgent, don't you think? You're always telling me that waste harms the planet.

Abbey: I have no idea what he sees in you sometimes.

Carl: So we do agree on something then.

(Abbey gets up and runs out, Carl downs what is left and puts on his jacket.)

Carl: Sorry man, got to dash,

Hitchen: Ay. Ay...

(Carl dashes out. As he does he causes a man to turn and spill his drink on Hitchen. Something is heard in the background and a brawl begins to form as two pool players grab their cues. At the door Carl turns.)

Carl (Over the ruckus) : Have you got a light by the way, I'm running on empty.

(A flaming bottle is thrown onto a nearby individual and flames race up the wall.)

Carl: Oh nevermind

(Carl lights it on the doorframe and heads out).



It's not the most tidy of scripts, and is still in an early stage, but opinions so far?
 
I posted this on the backup site, and so thought I'd post it here since it will be deleted.

Ok, here we go. This is an early concept for the background story for the game I'm currently working on. It will be a morpg and the player will travel through the world fighting monsters, and other players as well as taking on quests and other such morpg things. anyway, without further ado, here is the rough draft of my world's history.

The History of Euphoria


In the beginning there was time and chaos. They grew bored and so they had kids. Things were interesting for awhile as the four kids grew up. Chaos and time enjoyed watching their antics. Eventually, the kids grew bored and one had an idea. "Let us create names for ourselves." The other three agreed and thus they are named:

Yalitza, for she had the power to create and manipulate water;
Zephyra, for she had the ability to create and manipulate air;
Damek, for he had the power to create and manipulate earth; and
Pyralus, for he had the ability to create and manipulate fire.

They had fun with their new names and practiced calling eachother by them while time watched on. They also decided to name their parents as well, and so they named their mother Chronis, for she is time; and their father, they named Kaos, because that is what he is.

Eventually, this too grew boring. Kaos had an idea that would keep everyone entertained for a while. "Why do you not create toys for yourselves?" he suggested. And so they did. Pyralus created globes of fire which he loved to juggle. Damek created spheres of earth which he enjoyed spinning around and around. Yalitza created pools of water on Damek's spheres and delighted in seeing them slosh about. Zephyra found it fun to mess with Pyralus by blowing wind at his globes of fire and putting them out, or sending a steady stream of air at them and making them grow.

Of course, this eventually grew boring as well. And Chronis had an idea, "Why not create a world together, using all your powers?" And so they did. Pyralis created a ball of fire which Damek encased in rock. Yalitza supplied huge expanses of water on it's surface, creating seas, lakes, and rivers. Zephyra Surrounded the new planet with air, sealing it in. It was dark, and so Pyralus created another globe of fire to provide heat and light. He named it the Sun. Damek also created another sphere of earth and set it to rotate around the planet and called it the Moon.

They were proud of their creation and took it to show their father. Kaos reached out and touched their new toy and when he touched the fire inside, volcanoes erupted on the surface, spewing fire into the air, and lava on the ground. When he touched the seas, life sprang forth in them and fish swam and some of the water flew into the air and became clouds. When he touched the earth, plants sprung forth and animals walked among the forests. Then Kaos touched the air and birds erupted into being, filling the void with their sweet songs and storms ravished the land.

The children were delighted at this and conspired to create life of their own. "Let us create life in our own image," said Pyralus. "Yes, let us each create a single race," added Damek. "And let us bestow upon our created life powers similar to our own," Yalitza volunteered. "And let us walk among them, and teach them, and play with them," Zephyra said.

And so they created four races. Zephyra created the Elves, a race skilled in air magic, they live in flying cities high above the earth. Zephyra walked among them and taught them how to use their magic. Pyralus created the Kinder, a small race with a love for heat, and so they lived in the deserts and volcanic regions. Pyralus walked among them and played with them, showing them how to create fire. Yalitza created the Lizardfolk, a race who live in underwater cities and along the coasts. They sail across the vast seas in huge ships. Yalitza sailed and swam with them showing them how to shape the water to fit their purposes. Damek created the Dwarves, a squat race who lived deep within the earth. He taught them how to manipulate the earth and how to create structures of stone, and mine valuable minerals.

They decided their new planet needed a name, and after consulting with their creations, they agreed that it shall be called Euphoria, for it shall bring them much joy. And they did enjoy their creation. Everyone lived peacefully together and all was well. Kaos watched as his children played with their toy, but eventually grew bored. And so he reached out his hand, without their knowledge and created another race. Humans invaded Euphoria, spreading devastation and death in their wake. Embued with the power of chaos, they were able to live almost anywhere, and war broke out upon the planet.

The four children grew upset and left to confront their father, but he was nowhere to be found. When they asked their mother, Chronis only told them, "You must wait, all shall be revealed in time." And so they had no other choice but to wait and see when their father would show himself. Meanwhile, life on Euphoria continued on, and the four still assisted their creations, although there was little they could do to protect them completely, for Kaos is more powerful than they can ever hope to be.

(Excerpt from The Euphoric Chronicles, Chapter 1: verses 1 - 63)


As I said, this is a rough draft, so there are bound to be a few grammatical errors and such. Let me know what you think.

I've really enjoyed reading your world background. You took very common elements and added your own creative slant on things. It was a little funny though that the children were content just making up names for themselves. Anyways, it was an easy read, which is always good. Your writing had a nice flow and was able to keep my interest.

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. They weren't content with just making up names for themselves, but also using these names. besides, as you can see, they quickly bored of that as well. ;)

That's a very nice creation myth. I wonder what it means as far as the main game goes. Will they grow bored with their world and decide to add some more excitement to it?

That is one possibility I have been contemplating. As this will be an morpg, the world will constantly be changing, and some of those changes can be explained away, in game, as the gods becoming "bored." ;)

you must always think about the future of your world when creating a past, for the past and present is what builds the future.

Well, that's that. What do you think?
 
My father was captured durring war. He is now held captured as a POW in a place unknown to me. Three years ago I joined the military of Gateway, a city of amazing things. Now threates are being made to my family... If I don't leave and retire from the military my family will die.

So I did... I left my home in search for answers. As I traveled I came across a small town called Narshelle. I guess the place I was searching for is finally found so I will stay and see what happens.

These dreams I keep having of my home won't stop occurring. But they are not the same everytime. They are becoming more and more real and as time passes I wonder how long it will be before they do become real.

Still no answers yet, only more questions. Was this journey just a waste or am I really supposed to find out answers. I really can't say at this point in time. I can only hope this war will end soon. But Zyreel is a very powerfull nation, and us... Small. Are the dreams part of puzzle I'm supposed to solve?

This is a very small part of my storyline. The actual game is much moe interested and involved. You are, of course a guy named Eve. He travled East in search for answers to his fathers dissapearence and the threates made toward his family.
As the story progresses, more and more questions unfold and more deep the story gets. It breaks the traditional RPG style and brings an all new outlook to story telling.
The game will consist of about 40 to 50 hours of gameplay straight through and about 60-70 hours with side missions and bounus objectives. The official demo will be released in about a month or so and until then more about the game will be disscused.
 

Bogus

Member

If he wants to name the male hero Eve, let him be.


I like the concept, even though it seems you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself (or team). 60-70 hours of gameplay and a claim that it will break the traditional style of RPGs seems a bit much to say so soon. If this is still in development, that is.

I'm not a fan of military scenarios but from what little you give and how you give it (ignoring grammar and spelling errors, of course.=)) I would certainly give it a try out of curiosity more than anything.
 
I'm going to bump this topic for those of you who would like to post info about your project but are not yet ready to create a new project thread. It is not necessary to write out your whole synopsis here, but if you were toying with an idea but weren't sure if you should create a project about it, you could post it here to get feedback.

When posting, please remember to post feedback about the latest entry before posting your own ideas.
 
Good placed bump, thank you Alexia.
Well, I got an early project thread for some time now, but it doesn't seem to get attention at all. Too bad, because I really need some feedback if I'm going to continue the project at all.

The title is "Worldwalker: Crimson Chronicle".
You can find the link in my sig. Please leave some kind of comment, I'd appreciate it.
 
I think I need to clarify the purpose of this thread. This is not a place to advertise your current project thread. This is a place for you to post ideas that you have for a project when you do not have enough content for a whole project thread.
 
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