Aye. Rey_J's PCP partner here, I'll try to help as much as I can. :thumb:
Prolouge:
Hello. I'm making a game. I'm using RPG Maker. Now, what else did you want to know?
As others have suggested, you may want to consider improving the design of the thread, as many do not appeal to jokes and other garble, at least within the first post, where you should focus on the game itself. Look at some other project threads on the forums to get a sense of proper presentation.
A few years before the actual game story begins, Tristen was a young boy who aspired to become something great. His idea of great was a bit simplistic--he wished to become a knight
Way too many RPGs start off with that same, clich'e, "So-and-so under the age of 18 wants to go on epic quests" sort of thing. In this case it's not an epic quest, but instead becoming a knight, though it is still the same basic idea. Now, I'm not saying that this is horrible and you need to start from scratch, cliche's are unavoidable and in the end, it's all down to presentation. But you do lose a few points from that sort of thing.
yes, referring to "knight" class
I'm sorry, but I have no idea what that means. Are we refering to some sort of game class, and if so, from a certain game? Once again, I'd suggest you work on making this more understandable.
but he also wanted to be a samurai and magician
Samurais? Unless this is set in Japan (which would probably be worth mentioning) I say you should think that idea over a bit. I know some people would notice that it's out of place.
an unusual boy with specific tastes (in other words, kind of picky),
In what way is he unusual? What is it that's setting him apart? It might help if you explained a bit more.
Tristen thought he'd try to get into a class (literally) for knightship.
Is (literally) inteded to be another joke? Again, I would suggest leaving that out of the thread.
They did not let him in, thinking he was too "spiritual" and "energetic" for knightship
Being energetic is a good thing, isn't it? Knightship (because you did not give it a specific explanation, I'll assume you're referring to the medieval knights) is a somewhat adventurous lifestyle, as I understand, and having energy would be a good thing.
they redirected him to a Kendo class, but they wouldn't allow him for being too "barbaric"
Kendo is a type of martial art, correct? Again, unless this is Japan, I think you should leave that out.
knights' school, he was questioned about his return, then banned from return
I just realized that you said there was a school for knighthood. Following the medieval knight archetype (assuming this is because again, you did not specifically say otherwise) there is no school; it goes by another system entirely.
Along with Tristen they tossed out a shortsword.
Shortswords don't grow on trees. Why would they just give him one after banning him from the class?
Being his spirited, inspiring self,
Like the main character in almost any other RPG. (Wait, this is the main character we are talking about, correct?) Giving more unique personalities gives the character life, remember that.
Nearby was a 3rd school, one for magicians...
Reading on, I'm not sure how this is related. Are you saying that the same thing happened here, because it just isn't clear.
At the time of the actual story, Tristen is a young man and a scientific writer who studies "dimensional science",
Reading this it sounds like we're talking about another person entirely. Explain what brought him to study this, and I don't mean like this:
originally started on his own belief that there is something far greater out there, and that his pitifully small world is merely a fragment of something much bigger...
The story has a hint of Kingdom Hearts going on. Despite what you may say it still feels heavily inspired from it storywise.
I don't really have much to say about the following list and paragraph, so I'll just skip over that.
Other unnamed section:
Do the math: something simply has to go screwy. And that's where T's main enemy, the utterly stupid (and yet equally) powerful Zephyr Z, comes in!
Remember that parenthesis are used in such a way that if you read over them the sentence won't sound broken. As well, the villain seems immensely flat, his personality going only on the base that he is unintelligent.
Z likes to screw things up.
This is where the party crasher comes in and yells, "WHY?!" The characters need motivation to do the things they do, and they just don't feel... motivated. The same goes for this:
T's big duty is to prevent or fix Z's wrongdoings.
Why does he feel that he should be the one to fix these problems?
Did I mention Z's a complete idiot?
Did I mention Z's a complete idiot?
Yes. Again with the irrelevant jokes.
I hope this will be a great game. Read my (current) signature:
Quote from: an ad
Today I play games, but one day I will make them.
I say, Quote
I make games today... but one day, I hope to finish one.
You're starting to go offtopic again.
Alright, my work here is done. You might noticed that I skipped over some parts, that was because I couldn't find a way they could be improved.
