AbyssalLord
Member
Short Story Writing '08
And the results:
Judge Ratings
AbyssalLord (me)
Banette:
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Excellent story. Almost a perfect score. The plotline lacked a bit in originality, but the characters' names
and the twist at the end brought it from a 7 to a nine.
Love:
Originality: 6
Detail/Description: 5
Interesting: 4
Grammar/Spelling: 3
Comments: I know my review is pretty critical, but I understand that you are a 12 year old from Egypt. Unfortunately,
I have to be impartial when judging, so I graded it like everyone else's. If you would like help with your writing,
please feel free to ask me as I would love to help you in any way I can.
Guardian:
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 5
Comments: Very good and very professional. You lost a point for originality because the theme of Atlantis is a bit
overused. You only lost one point, though, because your version is the most original I have seen/read. You lost some points in grammar/spelling. In the first few paragraphs, there were several, rather boring, statements, and you started
almost every sentence with "He" or "Him." There were also multiple spelling errors throughout the story.
LostInSpace
Banette
Originality: 8
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Very good story. Professionally written. I have seen stories similar to it before, however.
Love
Originality: 7
Detail/Description: 6
Interesting: 3
Grammar/Spelling: 4
Comments: Not very interesting, and way too many comma splices and run-on sentences. Ending was rushed.
Guardian
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Seems incomplete, but that just adds to the story by making the reader wonder what comes next. Perfect grammatically.
My Mom (she doesn't have an account, but I asked her to be a judge because she is a good writer)
Banette -
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: I thought that your story was excellent. It held my interest from beginning to end. Your attention to detail and vivid descriptions allowed me to picture the story in my mind. You have a wonderful writing style. Keep up the great work!
Love -
Originality: 7
Detail/Description: 7
Interesting: 8
Grammar/Spelling: 3
Comments: What a wonderful story you wrote! It captured my interest right from the start and held it until the end. The story flowed smoothly and was quite descriptive. You do need to work on your grammar, spelling, and punctuation skills. Many of your sentences are run-ons and some words were used incorrectly ("conciseness" instead of "consciousness"). However, taking into consideration that you are 12 years old, and English is your second language, I feel that you did an excellent job and show much promise as a writer!
Guardian -
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 7
Interesting: 7
Grammar/Spelling: 5
Comments: Your story was very good, but I found it a bit difficult to follow at times. Your transitions need to be a little smoother (for example, "As he continued walking, a loud whoop resounded..."). For better writing style, try not to begin each sentences in a paragraph with the same word (He, His). Also, be more careful with your spelling (use spellcheck before submitting your work!!!). All in all, I found your story interesting and imaginative.
The long awaited results:
ENTREES
Banette
And the results:
Judge Ratings
AbyssalLord (me)
Banette:
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Excellent story. Almost a perfect score. The plotline lacked a bit in originality, but the characters' names
and the twist at the end brought it from a 7 to a nine.
Love:
Originality: 6
Detail/Description: 5
Interesting: 4
Grammar/Spelling: 3
Comments: I know my review is pretty critical, but I understand that you are a 12 year old from Egypt. Unfortunately,
I have to be impartial when judging, so I graded it like everyone else's. If you would like help with your writing,
please feel free to ask me as I would love to help you in any way I can.
Guardian:
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 5
Comments: Very good and very professional. You lost a point for originality because the theme of Atlantis is a bit
overused. You only lost one point, though, because your version is the most original I have seen/read. You lost some points in grammar/spelling. In the first few paragraphs, there were several, rather boring, statements, and you started
almost every sentence with "He" or "Him." There were also multiple spelling errors throughout the story.
LostInSpace
Banette
Originality: 8
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Very good story. Professionally written. I have seen stories similar to it before, however.
Love
Originality: 7
Detail/Description: 6
Interesting: 3
Grammar/Spelling: 4
Comments: Not very interesting, and way too many comma splices and run-on sentences. Ending was rushed.
Guardian
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: Seems incomplete, but that just adds to the story by making the reader wonder what comes next. Perfect grammatically.
My Mom (she doesn't have an account, but I asked her to be a judge because she is a good writer)
Banette -
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 10
Interesting: 10
Grammar/Spelling: 7
Comments: I thought that your story was excellent. It held my interest from beginning to end. Your attention to detail and vivid descriptions allowed me to picture the story in my mind. You have a wonderful writing style. Keep up the great work!
Love -
Originality: 7
Detail/Description: 7
Interesting: 8
Grammar/Spelling: 3
Comments: What a wonderful story you wrote! It captured my interest right from the start and held it until the end. The story flowed smoothly and was quite descriptive. You do need to work on your grammar, spelling, and punctuation skills. Many of your sentences are run-ons and some words were used incorrectly ("conciseness" instead of "consciousness"). However, taking into consideration that you are 12 years old, and English is your second language, I feel that you did an excellent job and show much promise as a writer!
Guardian -
Originality: 9
Detail/Description: 7
Interesting: 7
Grammar/Spelling: 5
Comments: Your story was very good, but I found it a bit difficult to follow at times. Your transitions need to be a little smoother (for example, "As he continued walking, a loud whoop resounded..."). For better writing style, try not to begin each sentences in a paragraph with the same word (He, His). Also, be more careful with your spelling (use spellcheck before submitting your work!!!). All in all, I found your story interesting and imaginative.
The long awaited results:
Love!!!
Guardian!!!
BANETTE!!!
Congrats Banette for your excellent story writing! I look forward to working on your game!
Congrats Banette for your excellent story writing! I look forward to working on your game!
ENTREES
Banette
Sillas had his good days, and his bad days. Hell, he certainly had his share of horrible days, too.
Today would have to be one of those horrible days.
His knight's armor gleamed in the fading light of day as he stood in front of the door way, from which the oak door had been violently ripped off its hinges. It now leaned onto the frame, as if to bar the way.
What...happened here?
His golden brown eyes scanned the area around his home for any sign of the vandal, but found no one. He brushed a hand through his jet black hair, his other hand pushing the wrecked door away from the splintered wooden frame.
He dreaded to take that first step inside his own home. The smell that drifted to his nose – a mix of singed wood and the sickly sweet scent of something vaguely metallic – made him double over almost immediately, his stomach threatening to retch.
After taking a moment to regain his composure, he walked over the burnt cinders that was his old table, around the hunk of charred wood that was his workbench, to the doorway that lead to his room. Unlike the rest of his home, which had been torched until it was beyond recognition, his room was still eerily intact.
At least, he thought so, until he saw a wrapped bundle laying on the sheets of his bed.
“No.... NO!â€
Today would have to be one of those horrible days.
His knight's armor gleamed in the fading light of day as he stood in front of the door way, from which the oak door had been violently ripped off its hinges. It now leaned onto the frame, as if to bar the way.
What...happened here?
His golden brown eyes scanned the area around his home for any sign of the vandal, but found no one. He brushed a hand through his jet black hair, his other hand pushing the wrecked door away from the splintered wooden frame.
He dreaded to take that first step inside his own home. The smell that drifted to his nose – a mix of singed wood and the sickly sweet scent of something vaguely metallic – made him double over almost immediately, his stomach threatening to retch.
After taking a moment to regain his composure, he walked over the burnt cinders that was his old table, around the hunk of charred wood that was his workbench, to the doorway that lead to his room. Unlike the rest of his home, which had been torched until it was beyond recognition, his room was still eerily intact.
At least, he thought so, until he saw a wrapped bundle laying on the sheets of his bed.
“No.... NO!â€