Post What's on Your Mind

[bacon]

I've hit a really rough patch.
I keep thinking "In general everything is fine I'm just sad because" but that really is not true. Everything is not fine. My bedroom ceiling is full of mold. Our shower doesn't work (we still have bath though) our cooker broke the other night and our extractor fan broke too. I feel like I'm slipping in college. I know I can do better but I just am not engaging. The guy I have a crush on keeps talking about his ex and every time he does it hurts. We are hanging out on Friday but I'm just so worried to be honest for no reason. My anxiety is just fucking me right now. I can't go more than a few hours without feeling like shit, I keep getting suicidal thoughts despite the fact that I do not want to die and in general I think it's really effecting me socially. I can't get through a 30 minute break at college without mentioning how I should die. I don't think I'm a positive person to be around right now. Every day I just wish would end. I wake up and I'm waiting for tomorrow cause maybe just maybe it'll be better. But it never is and I rarely feel good about myself.
I should go to the doctor but every time I get the chance to I pass it up because I want to maintain some sense of control over this beast, but I'm losing control. I feel like I'm sprinting constantly but I'm never going as fast as I should be. Like I'm being chased and it's only a matter of time before everything catches up to me.
I'm starting to lose sight of my goals. My motivation. Everything is just clouded up right now and I just cannot engage. I want to just slip into nothingness.
I'm just. I'm depressed as fuck guys and I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like I have to constantly be this funny, happy, laughing guy who always makes jokes. I'm sure everyone knows how hollow and fragile that facade is but to me it's so important to keep up. It's not to show everyone else that I can be that person but to show myself. But I'm not who I pretend to be. I wish I was as happy as I pretend to be. But fucking god the person I am underneath is so ugly, I hate showing other people that, but it's slipping out more and more these days.

Sorry. I know this is like a 13 year old rant but really. I've been failing myself recently and nothing hurts more than that.

):

 

[coyotecraft]

Motivation is weird. Somedays I got it. Somedays I don't. I keep thinking it's something to do with my diet. Like I'm not drinking enough water. Or I'm deficient in some vitamine. Stop drinking pop for a few weeks. Nothing changes.
Sometimes I think it's my ego. Like there's this whole "Thumos" business that I'm neglecting.

 

[aphadeon]

Motivation is weird. Somedays I got it. Somedays I don't. I keep thinking it's something to do with my diet. Like I'm not drinking enough water. Or I'm deficient in some vitamine. Stop drinking pop for a few weeks. Nothing changes.
Sometimes I think it's my ego. Like there's this whole "Thumos" business that I'm neglecting.

Motivation is a fickle bitch. Don't rely on it. Instead, learn to do things by discipline instead- you'll be a lot better off for it.

Edit: Speaking from years of experience chasing the former - the latter is what actually has started to produce results.

 

[coyotecraft]

learn to do things by discipline instead

That only works for house chores that don't require any decision making.
What do you tell people senior-year when they ask what motivated to you pursue a particular major. And you just don't know anymore! What do you put on your cover letter when they ask what made you applied for that job - when you're actually just applying for all the jobs because you don't care and will take whatever you can get.
What do you paint when you sit down in front of a blank canvas and have no prospects. no goals. It's easy when you got to do it for someone else. But this time you got to do it for yourself; what is it you want? Maybe you don't want it at all? But you still got to do it! Do it. Do it. Do something. But what? and for why?
Got to make a decision. Flip a coin? Do you even know what your choices are?
Can you play for time? Take your time? Will the world wait?
It doesn't wait, it moves on without you. But you're not in control. There is nothing to control! Where's the steering wheel? Where are you going? What's coming next?
You're going to crash! AHHHHHHHH

 

[Byron]

Sorry for the really depressing message. I do feel like that a lot though.
I spent all night talking to someone from college about some of my problems and he said he felt bad because he's lived such a privileged life and hasn't experienced much of what I have. But the worst part of his reaction is that I haven't told him some of the real bad stuff that has happened to me... :/ I'm scared to. I don't like the idea of people thinking differently of me.

 

[aphadeon]

learn to do things by discipline instead

That only works for house chores that don't require any decision making.
What do you tell people senior-year when they ask what motivated to you pursue a particular major. And you just don't know anymore! What do you put on your cover letter when they ask what made you applied for that job - when you're actually just applying for all the jobs because you don't care and will take whatever you can get.
What do you paint when you sit down in front of a blank canvas and have no prospects. no goals. It's easy when you got to do it for someone else. But this time you got to do it for yourself; what is it you want? Maybe you don't want it at all? But you still got to do it! Do it. Do it. Do something. But what? and for why?
Got to make a decision. Flip a coin? Do you even know what your choices are?
Can you play for time? Take your time? Will the world wait?
It doesn't wait, it moves on without you. But you're not in control. There is nothing to control! Where's the steering wheel? Where are you going? What's coming next?
You're going to crash! AHHHHHHHH

To me, sounds more like an issue of direction than motivation. The desire to move wouldn't help if you don't know where to go. Inspiration, perhaps; but motivation wouldn't solve this. Not by itself, at least. And you're right, neither can discipline.

I've been rather fortunate in that department, for the most part, I've always known what I've wanted. And I happened to pick something eternally out of reach, which means I never have to worry about what to do once I've achieved it. But I see a good number of friends struggle with it, and I lack the ability to properly appreciate the feeling. I pursue my goals endlessly, and I am content to do so, even knowing it will always be exactly that, a pursuit. Nothing more. I've accepted this as my role, and at the end of the day, I'm satisfied with that.

I guess you'd have to figure out the answer to the difficult question: what is it you want? I want stability, security, a few friends, good sandwiches, and a project or twelve to pour any excess ambition into. I am gradually getting better at maintaining that. If you can identify your wants, start to weigh everything else by whether it moves towards that, or away from that, and gradually, a direction will take shape. With that, eventually, by motivation, discipline, or whatever else, your feet will just start to move again.

Sorry for the really depressing message. I do feel like that a lot though.
I spent all night talking to someone from college about some of my problems and he said he felt bad because he's lived such a privileged life and hasn't experienced much of what I have. But the worst part of his reaction is that I haven't told him some of the real bad stuff that has happened to me... :/ I'm scared to. I don't like the idea of people thinking differently of me.

So. This is a feeling I can relate to. Skipping the various details/horror stories/etc, when things got really, really dark for me, I was basically forced by the person I was staying with to start taking anti-depressants if I didn't want to be on the street. While I resented the pressure, it turned out to be really, really good for me. I was only on them for a bit under two years, during which time I was able to get things under control, eliminate most of the sources of anxiety, and ultimately get things sorted out in my head. I was against the decision beforehand - but it was one of the best I've ever made. If you're not seeing another way to get things under control, I would advise you to really, actually consider medication at least as a temporary aid. And don't judge them all by a single brand - I did have to change brands twice before I found one that really did it for me. You don't lose yourself, or become someone else - it really doesn't change that much. It just helps keep your chemical levels closer to a "normal" balance, so that you can make decisions and do things in a more "normal" state of mind.

 

[bacon]

I would also recommend anti-depressent or mood stabilizer. Listen buddy, i hate them personally and i dont recommend them long term; however i do suggest you take them when you are having suicidal thoughts. Or in a bad place with little support.

 

[Nathaniel3W]

So I'm not a doctor or anything, but I've had some friends with really bad depression and here's my insight. Remember it if you think it will help. Forget it immediately otherwise.

Your mood is affected by chemicals inside your body and events in the outside world. There's a healthy balance of moods to have, and we're supposed to be sad when bad things happen, and we're supposed to be happy when good things happen. (I disagree with all of the self-help gurus who say that happiness can always be found internally; I say sometimes you're supposed to be sad or angry about a situation, and you can be happy when you fix it. Sometimes we have to be at peace with a problem we can't fix, but that's a different issue.) People fall into a downward spiral of being sad, which makes it difficult to deal with problems, which makes the problems worse, which makes us sadder, which then makes it harder to deal with problems, which makes the problems worse...

Medicine won't solve those problems, at least not directly. Medicine won't clean the mold or fix the leak or replace the cooker or give you better grades. But it can help you break the cycle. If you feel better, that can make it easier for you to tackle problems, and then you can feel more in control of your life again. And like Bacon says, you might just consider it a temporary measure to get you back on your feet.

There's a stigma against people with depression. We all want to be in control of our lives, and if we're not then we have a tendency to tell people they're just not trying hard enough, or they just need to change their attitude or whatever. (Comic related. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/11 ... 44398.html) It's OK if you need some help with an issue like depression just like it's OK if you need some help with a broken leg or something.

 

[bacon]

As someone who suffers from depression i gotta tell you Nathaniel your post is 100% true, at least in my opinion. Thank you, most people who talk about mental health dont know what the fuck they are talking about

 

[ZenVirZan]

programming a robust input system that treats the keyboard like a controller is so hard god damn (naturally w/ remapping support)

 

[Xilef]

programming a robust input system that treats the keyboard like a controller is so hard god damn (naturally w/ remapping support)

The recommendation from Valve, which I follow, is to instead make a "command" system, rather than an input system - makes remapping a lot easier.

So your input system should expect a "Move_Forward" command or an "Open_Menu" command - both of which could be bound to whatever they want, even the same key. Basically don't think about your input-layout, think about what you want your objects in your game to do.

The input system should just throw these commands into your engine's scripting system for it to digest. Doing it this way means that inputs like "key down", "key up" and "key held" are kept in the input system, rather than needing to be handled throughout the script system for each command.

 

[ZenVirZan]

The recommendation from Valve, which I follow, is to instead make a "command" system, rather than an input system - makes remapping a lot easier.

So your input system should expect a "Move_Forward" command or an "Open_Menu" command - both of which could be bound to whatever they want, even the same key. Basically don't think about your input-layout, think about what you want your objects in your game to do.

i can't imagine that system works very well if you're looking for onRelease and different axes though

EDIT: actually maybe, hmmm.

 

[Fayte]

so representatives at square watched our videos and liked them and they contacted us to spoil a card that hasn’t been officially spoiled yet! super pumped about this opportunity. I think they’re going to be working with us for future sets as well but not 100% sure on that. Either way we were jumping in our seats when we got the message.

https://youtu.be/ATvnNN92lRI

 

[Mega Flare]

Sweet. Keep up the good work

 

[bacon]

so representatives at square watched our videos and liked them and they contacted us to spoil a card that hasn’t been officially spoiled yet! super pumped about this opportunity. I think they’re going to be working with us for future sets as well but not 100% sure on that. Either way we were jumping in our seats when we got the message.

https://youtu.be/ATvnNN92lRI

Congrats!

 

[Mega Flare]

Looks like canada got shafted from pre release

 

[Ellie]

Night shifts

eugh

 

[Xilef]

Logical shifts

>> eugh

 

[coyotecraft]

ctrl shift F

 

[Byron]

Finally got a doctors appointment for next Friday. Can finally get help like you've all been telling me to for years.