Feedback on Predevelopment Projects

[alexia]

This thread was created in response to the abundance of new project threads with vague plot outlines and only minor character descriptions. These project threads were most likely created just to get feedback. Hopefully this thread will serve as a pre-emptive measure against premature project threads.

Do you have a plot idea but are unsure of whether or not you should turn it into a full-blown rmxp game? Do you want honest feedback, critiques and suggestions before moving on to the next stage of your game? If so, then post your ideas here to get feedback from our community.

If this thread takes off, great. If not, no harm, no fowl.

 

[SPN]

I guess I could give it a shot, to sort of get this thread moving :P Although most of this is already on the go, I have not worked out too many more details, so everything here is tentative.

----------

Basically, you're the generic young hero in a quiet village. One night, you awake, finding yourself rather thirsty, so you head downstairs for a drink. When you get down, you could've sworn you heard something outside, and, despite the rain, decide to take a quick look. You stand in your yard, looking to see what made the sound, when an old robed man runs by, stopping when he sees you. For a quick moment, he stares into your eyes, and you know something's up. Something odd...perculiar even! :O

Anyway, he gives you a piece of a stone tablet, and keeps running before you can ask him anything substantial. Before you can do anything more than stare at the odd stone, Kingdom soldiers appear on the scene. Having lost their target (old man if you hadn't gathered), they turn their attention to you, standing stunned with the stone in plain view. The commander of the squad sends some after the old man, while the rest creep closer, surrounding you. But, although you may not be too smart at times, you can think on your feet, and speedily slide past the soldiers, and hurry away.

You exit the village, and keep running along the outskirts. The soldiers eventually catch up to you, and you find yourself cornered again, with slightly less chance of escape :P The soldiers inch towards you, but before they reach you, the ground collapses beneath your feet! *suspense*

The soldiers stand around the hole, staring into the blackness. Normally you would be pursued, but being the generic lazy soldiers that they are, they decide that it would be more practical to wait for you to climb back up, if you even survived the fall.

Of course, you survived the fall. You find yourself in a very dark stone passageway. When you come to your senses, the passage is suddenly flooded with light. As you walk down the symbol riddled hallways, you find yourself in a large open room. The light intensifies, as a ghostly figure appears in front of you! *more suspense* He says a few words, which, although in your language, make next to no sense to you. After the figure generically disappears in the middle of an important question, you find a rope in the corner of the room. With nowhere to go, you take the rope and head back to where you fell in. As you sit wondering how you're going to get out of this strange place, the 'magic rope' leaps from you and attaches to the wall. Taking your chances, you climb back up into the night.

Luckily for you, the useless soldiers had fallen asleep. You sneak past them, battling with the fact that you can't go back to your village, at least not for a while. You force yourself to keep running, as the sun creeps over the horizon. Unfortunately, the Kingdom is still at your heels, and you are captured.

NOTE: There is a lot of details after the capture, but I'll leave them out, as not to spoil everything.

To make a long story slightly less long, you are forced to join the Kingdom, and help them find the true power that they are seeking. But the Kingdom is not alone in their search. The Serianes, a rogue group who don't agree with the Kingdom's ways, are massing together to find this power first. You find yourself in the middle of the monumental battle for power, and as the world takes sides, you find out who is truly the enemy.

----------

So, that's basically my ideas in a nutshell.

 

[alexia]

You definitely have your opening scene well thought out. At first, when you started with "you're the generic young hero...," I was like, oh no, it's one of those. But you were able to keep my interest with the fluid quality of your writing.

What role does magic play in your game? When the hero encountered the magic rope, what was his reaction? Was that occurrence something completely out of the ordinary or was it something that seemed logical for that time and place?

It's also interesting that the hero was forced to join the Kingdom. I actually thought that the game would begin with the hero on the run. I'm curious how the hero got caught because the soldiers seem to be a bit on the incompetent side.

Now, your story does sound like it has been done before but you managed to keep it interesting with the different suspenseful moments. This is a good start. I will be honest, though. It is a long read so when you are ready to create a project thread on it, keep the storyline short and sweet. You could always include the detailed intro in spoilers for those who are interested.

 

[Jstreet]

@Lexi
I like the idea. It'd be an even greater idea if I were the reading type, but alas, I am but a dummy head who cannot read nor write very well. =( Good idea, still.

@SPN
Your writing is relatively good. You might want to do something with that opening scene, because it might turns some heads initially, but once you get a bit deeper it turns into a good concept.

In game, I'd suggest going in depth with the feud among the Kingdom and the Serians. I'd love to see the history behind it all.

I just briefly skimmed through it and saw those few things that stuck out.

 

[kaidus]

This is basically the script for the opening scene of a game that is soon to go into production. We (myself and the person I am working with) do not have enough content to make a topic, so I'm posting here hopeing for some feedback (Thanks Alexia).

Ok, so here goes?

Spoiler

[NEW GAME SELECTED]

[The screen fades in from black, to reveal the nighttime ocean. The ocean
can be seen and heard to belightly swaying. The opening music begins to play (INTRO.mp3). As it begins (almost instantaneously), the screen pans upward. As it pans, various clumps of land are to be seen, though none that are habitable. THis occurs long enough for the main credits to be revealed, until the screen finally reaches the mainland.]

[The mainland is revealed, to show a desimated, desolate wasteland. The
ground is a mixture of rock and mud - resembling a grossly expanded, long extinct volcanic territory. THe occasional withering bush and dried out log can be seen among the whinding, uneven earth. Highland and cliff faces are
frequent. After a time of this, the camera draws to a very high cliff, with a relativley flat surface (not a perfect face, but easy to maintain firm footing). The camera's movement ceases, revealing the northern face of the cliff
(concealed by the surface, due to the 2d engine). Behond the cliff face only the night sky is visible.]

[In the center (x axis) of the screen, about 3 quaters of the way down, a
figure (Kaidus) can be seen sitting on a log. The figure rises from the log (a sitting char and sitting-to-standing animation is required), and slowly proceeds to the north of the cliff The sound of each step is heard clearly and distinctly, until he reaches the very edge. The camera should pan with each step he takes, resulting in only the top few rows (squares) of the cliff being visible, the majority of the screen being occupied a night-sky
panorama, with a clear, full moon. Either in event-charset form, or simply on the panorama itself.]

[The narration/speech appears with no message box skin, and without any speaker name present. Each message should vanish
with the next one appearing independantly of user input, meaning sufficient
pauses must be input at the end of each message to
allow the player time to read.]

Narrator/Kaidus: It is\.\. by the shine of moon, \. that we can understand who we are\.\. and what we have been.
Narrator/Kaidus: When all light fades, \. and only a glimmer of hope fills the sky...
Narrator/Kaidus: One's self,\. and one's self-conciousness..\.\. They are all that remain.
Narrator/Kaidus: The lone agent,\.\. left to cerebrate what fate holds.
Narrator/Kaidus: Is it solid? \.\. Has my life just been a book to read?
Narrator/Kaidus: Or is it transparent sands, \. slipping through the hand of it's
creator.
Narrator/Kaidus: Will our lives be discovered as we voyage through, \. or are they invented, \.\. preset from the day we were born.
Narrator/Kaidus: Whichever way it is that the water of fate flows...\.\. Mine is decimated...\. Torn asunder...
Narrator/Kaidus: Thrust into an existance I did not desire.

[THE CAMERA PANS UPWARD SO THAT THE MOON IS IN THE CENTRE OF THE Y AXIS]

Narrator/Kaidus: Left to contemplate, \. where it is that I came from.

[As the words vanish the game logo fades in centre screen. The logo should
have some kind of circular image that can fade in over the moons position
resembling the moon turning into it. The screen tints to black so that only
the image can be seen. After a suitable amount of time (to be determined through testing), the image and music fade out.

[The screen is black for a few seconds (again, exact time is to be determined
through testing) before dramatic music is sounded (INTRO2.mp3). Shortly after this music begins, the sounds of explosions are and high speed
plummiting are heard. The screen flashes as the sound of thunder is heard, and silhouetted images begin to be displayed, with flashing, thundering
transactions, and appropriate sound effects throughout.]

Image1: A view of a metal 'space-pod', just big enough for one person to fit in vertically, and thick protective walls (Kaidus' SEED) hurtling through the sky toward the ground. There should be motion waves pertruding from
the top of the SEED to show that it is hurtling towards the floor.

[Sound effects of it landing]

Image2: A view of the SEED embedded into the floor. Signs of damage must be visible to both the ground (desert) and the SEED.

[Sound effect of mechanical/electronic door opening.]

Image3: The same view as Image2, but the top of the SEED is open and Kaidus is half way through climbing out of the seed. Kaidus' clothes should show signs of damage. Burns, and rips must be abundant on all images showing him in this scene.

[Sound effects of slow, heavy footsteps on sand. Perhaps continue throughout Image4.]

Image4: A view of Kaidus progressing through the desert, his upper body hunched over, as he is fatigued from the crash, and
being effected by the cold, night-time desert. The picture should be drawn from the perspective of a short distance behind Kaidus. His footsteps can be vaguely seen behind him.

[Sound effect of whole body hitting the sand]

Image5: A view of Kaidus passed out on the floor. His limbs a-fray and limply laying on the ground.

[The screen blacks out, and the game falls silent.]

I'll be suprised if anyone actually bothers to read all of that, so if anyone actually did please feedback, regardless of what you thought. Thanks.

Edit: Where there is dialogue, '\.' is supposed to represent a pause. I can't remember if that is exactly how it is done in rmxp, but I thought I'd use it anyway. The pause lengths aren't exact, but hopefully you get the idea.

 

[alexia]

Your opening scene is well organized and interesting. What is the time period for your game? Is it set in the near future or farther into the future? Did your main character return from a mission when he crash landed? Or am I way off?

 

[kaidus]

It's not so much in the future, there will be aspects of both your typical fantasy world (various magics and such) aswell as sci-fi inspired technological features. I shan't reveal exactly what the hero's reasoning was for crash landing in a SEED, just on the off chance someone reads it and actually enjoys playing the game. From what material I have at the moment, it is looking to be one of those games where the slightest spoiler literally spoils everything. Thankyou for the feedback .

 

[SPN]

Thanks for the quick replies, guys ;D

You definitely have your opening scene well thought out. At first, when you started with "you're the generic young hero...," I was like, oh no, it's one of those. But you were able to keep my interest with the fluid quality of your writing.

Thanks! I typed this all up on the spot as I was posting this actually, so the writing style is more or less me explaining my ideas :3

What role does magic play in your game? When the hero encountered the magic rope, what was his reaction? Was that occurrence something completely out of the ordinary or was it something that seemed logical for that time and place?

I'm very glad you mentioned this, because I tend to not flesh out my game that much in terms of realism, but it brought it to my attention. My project should be slightly better now thanks to you ;D

But in a nutshell, here's how I normally view magic in games I'm making. Magic is sort of in between rare and commonplace. Only certain people can use it, but it is not a completely shocking thing when it is witnessed. Taking this into account, the hero(es) will learn their magic through others (NPC), whether it be part of the story, or the work of a Mage after collecting the necessary resources.

It's also interesting that the hero was forced to join the Kingdom. I actually thought that the game would begin with the hero on the run. I'm curious how the hero got caught because the soldiers seem to be a bit on the incompetent side.

Yep, the game itself begins after you're with the Kingdom. You can move around in some parts of the intro, including the initial (yet limited) exploration of the village, but you get free control after all the opening mishaps.

To be honest, I was worried that I was already encountering plot holes when you asked how he got caught, but then I realized I had already had this taken care of...so no worries ;D

Now, your story does sound like it has been done before but you managed to keep it interesting with the different suspenseful moments. This is a good start. I will be honest, though. It is a long read so when you are ready to create a project thread on it, keep the storyline short and sweet. You could always include the detailed intro in spoilers for those who are interested.

I agree, it is a long read. I went into above-average detail for some reason, probably to make everyone more picky. Expect the spoilers to be even more detailed though!

In game, I'd suggest going in depth with the feud among the Kingdom and the Serians. I'd love to see the history behind it all.

Most of their past remains in mystery (even to myself), but I will try my best to strategically flesh their history out. :D

Again, thanks a lot for the feedback, and on a final note, here's a bit more info xD

• Battles will be real-time, happening on screen, while you have complete control over the hero.
• As I mentioned, magic will be learned mostly through the work of Mages and certain enchanted items. Effects on weapons will be handled in a similar fashion.
• You will like it ;D

 

[Lene]

Narrator/Kaidus: It is\.\. by the shine of moon, \. that we can understand who we are\.\. and what we have been.
Narrator/Kaidus: When all light fades, \. and only a glimmer of hope fills the sky...
Narrator/Kaidus: One's self,\. and one's self-conciousness..\.\. They are all that remain.
Narrator/Kaidus: The lone agent,\.\. left to cerebrate what fate holds.
Narrator/Kaidus: Is it solid? \.\. Has my life just been a book to read?
Narrator/Kaidus: Or is it transparent sands, \. slipping through the hand of it's
creator.
Narrator/Kaidus: Will our lives be discovered as we voyage through, \. or are they invented, \.\. preset from the day we were born.
Narrator/Kaidus: Whichever way it is that the water of fate flows...\.\. Mine is decimated...\. Torn asunder...
Narrator/Kaidus: Thrust into an existance I did not desire.

This is dense and purple text attempting to be profound but failing horribly.

It's unnecessarily convoluted and therefore I can barely make sense of what you're trying to convey. I'd try to edit the above, but without knowing what's the point, I think I'd do more harm than good.

Although, if it were up to me, I'd cut it so that it isn't longer than 3 lines. Any longer and it's just mindless rambling that the player won't pay attention to. Figure out what you want to say and just say it. Sure you can take artistic license, but don't let the true meaning get lost with all the shiny fluff.

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

For the hell of it. This is probably way too large for a concept, and it's not even all of it 0.o It's just what I've typed out, be glad though, else you should beware of the insane amount of notes =p

This is a concept though, nothing actually in the works. It's a project I plan on starting on after I actually get somewhere (probably finish or quit). Don't even know if gonna be made in rmxp, or even be a game...

Spoiler: Introduction

Every year, we have an moment of silence for the brave men who gave their lives for our freedom, the innocent victims who died in war. We are so happy we can live in a safe environment, and we realise people made large sacrifices to achieve this. But what if those sacrifices didn’t have to be made? What if there never was a world war? How would our world look like now? There are so many possibilities, we may not be able to tell what would have happened. This story will be set in something that could have happened.

As you may know, before the world wars, cloning had been a relatively important subject in science. This was however, not as supported as could have been. The governments spent their money on new kinds of machinery used to battle many bloody fights. If there wouldn’t ever have been a world war, maybe the governments would have seen the importance of the cloning process and have offered financial support.

Making two identical creatures was hard to achieve. So scientists started using their knowledge of DNA structure to “improve” humans. Embryo cells were modified to minimize chances on diseases and ensure a perfect health. But it didn’t stop here, now people had a taste of their abilities, they wanted more. First, men started to experiment modifying the appearances of a child. Giving him or her blonde hair instead of brown, modifying the structural build of the body, etcetera. Embryo’s started to become more and more like lego.

Parents wanted the best for their children, the perfect child was a gift from God, but better. “Imperfect children” were not accepted by the richer people of society, and were bullied at schools because they were different, normal kids never caught a cold... Being “perfect” became more and more important, it went very far. Not just at schools, no, the importance of being perfect was a daily subject everywhere. Especially for the Economy, as only “perfect” people could get work at the bigger companies.

Speaking of companies, the Economy in Europe started to take over the power in the continent. Governments got less and less of a say, attempts to regain power failed. Less and less people wanted to get a job in the government, the big money was in the commercial business.

The competition between companies was heavy, to maximize efficiency and minimize the cost of employees, companies started to order employees at the cloning institutes. These cloning institutes made their “products” as fitting for their future purposes as possible. People were adjusted to do heavy labour, or to think out difficult calculations. These creations were no longer human, over time most of them became tools.

Only relatively few humans with free wills existed, but even these were so different from the kind of people we know today, they were even very different from each other. They couldn’t even reproduce together anymore. These creatures however, were the humans of this world, the others were considered as what we consider machines.

Spoiler: First Chapter in letter form (blame the writing academy)

It’s been a while since I’ve written and I can’t really explain why. I’ve been sitting down and been thinking a lot without writing my thoughts out for you. Maybe there were too many things at once. Because you see, three days ago, Shiva and I received the orders to transport a package to America. A very secretive package. We were ordered not to look into it, not to talk to anyone about it, and to travel at night. I don’t have an idea of what’s inside this little box, yet I heard of Shiva that nobody really does, which is why they are sending it to America to be researched with different techniques.

But back to our orders, Shiva didn’t like the idea of travelling at night. According to him that would make them too suspicious if spotted. Instead, he came up with this cover. He would have been stressed and needed a long time off. Can you believe it? Shiva, stressed? I couldn’t, but people who didn’t know Shiva could. We are such a small force, so we have a lot of work keeping Britain safe. It is a bit too much for me at times, but not for Shiva.

So in order to relieve stress, Shiva would take a journey towards America, and be an all-round tourist all along. The idea of me and Shiva travelling together throughout Europe sounded fantastic, as it’s hard to ever get anywhere these days and because I’d finally have time with him alone. It had me in a great mood for weeks, a bit unusual according to my comrades, they figured I needed the trip more than Shiva ever would. That was true of course, but the jokes were annoying nonetheless. Not that I cared much, because it’d be me and Shiva, travelling together for weeks.

Or at least, that’s what I thought, because the next day, I was introduced to Shiva’s girlfriend; Tasha. The hope of getting together during that trip quickly ebbed away. It turned out Tasha would travel with us. Not only because that’d make us look more like a regular company, no, Tasha spoke over seven languages fluently. She had studied them for years and years, but never got to use them like she wanted to. She had been a translator in meetings of large companies that wanted to do business with ones from abroad. But this work didn’t really satisfy her. She had learned about the cultures, and wanted to see them. Shiva found this mission the perfect opportunity to fulfil her wish and it didn’t take him much to convince his superiors as usual.

To speed things up, we were leaving the same day. We took a ship towards the Netherlands, to the port town of Rotterdam. According to Tasha it wasn’t much of a port town at all, but that sounded rather strange to me. I was still upset with the girl for coming along, and I know I can’t blame her, but I do. So when Tasha told Shiva about Rotterdam and the Netherlands, I went to check out our cabin.

It was a small cabin, there were four beds, a small table, and furthermore barely any space or whatsoever. It didn’t take me more than a minute before I stood outside again. Wondering what would happen if I stretched out my wings in there when waking up. Maybe I’d cut a wall or even a person, so I thought it was a better idea to stay awake that night, instead of just not stretching out. I know it sounds weird, but I also had the need to be alone and think for a little while.

And thus I stayed awake, being the only person standing on the deck in the dark while it was raining. If it wouldn’t have been for my wings, I might’ve caught a cold. I wonder if Pearl caught one herself. She talked, or rather, sang to me when I went out for the deck. It was a bit like a rhyme, but it was as if she sang my feelings. A large man took her by the arm, and said her name, and he took her inside again.
That night is this night, and I’m writing you this letter. I’m back in my cabin, I think I couldn’t bear a night without sleep after all. I’ll be keeping this with me for you until I can give or send it.

With love, Durga

Spoiler: Character Descriptions

Durga, the writer of the letter. She is a rather unsure and shy woman. She pretends to be really strong, and wants to give impressions she can handle it all. But she isn’t good at the act at all, because you can read her thoughts from her face. It’s near impossible for Durga to ever hide something. Which is why she sits by herself a lot, being afraid to reveal her real self to others. Though she already did, she thinks she’s still a mystery while the opposite is true. She is afraid of that truth, and writes about it a lot. Durga says her fear is a weakness, but also a strength. It keeps her on her guard. This has a truth in it, as when Durga is afraid, she spreads her wings and instantly becomes rather intimidating, surprising the foe and giving Durga more confidence. These little things are what keep her changing her mood, and she does that a lot. As Shiva claims; “She’s a woman after all.”

Shiva is an easygoing and a bit "eccentric" guy. He has the tendency to change his approach with the person much more than any other. This makes Shiva a very likeable person to many people. Though to some other people it seems like Shiva has no set personality.
On the one hand has Shiva great people skills, on the other hand Shiva tends to be a bit clueless about what's going on in people's heads and has a hard time predicting of how his words may affect someone. As he tends to bring Durga in heavy conflicts with her own emotions a lot.

Tasha is typically introduced as "Shiva's girlfriend". She seems to have a scary amount of things in common with Shiva, when they're together they're like two halves of the same ADHD-freak. Tasha is however, also a strong individual. A black woman with attitude and good education. In contrast to Durga, Tasha is very open as she proves in a lot of dialogue. For example:

Durga; This may be a bit weird question to ask but uhm?
Tasha; What’s on your mind girl?
Durga; Well, ehm, what was it that attracted you to Shiva?
Tasha; Well, you know, Shiva has multiple good sides, he’s sweet, funny, and amazing with his hands, and the best thing is; He has four!

Spoiler: Bit more background and Special power part

The setting where these 2 characters live in, would be retro-futuristic. It's my impression of how people used to think of how the future would look like back around 1900, or at least, how that evolved. Thus the weird outfits. They're both soldiers and have "special abilities".

Shiva, born with an extra set of arms, is a martial artist. But not one you'd expect. He uses generators in his suit to create spikes (offensive) or plates (defensive) on his arms. But his main weapons would be the bracelets. They can fold out to 4 different blades, which can be used seperately, or be fold together and spin

Durga, the girl on the right, has a disease, she cannot properly use her left pinky finger. It's not made of flesh, but of a sort of energy. Even though she cannot bend it like a normal person can, she can transform the shape on command. However, when she does so, the virus gradually spreads around her body, untill it reaches a vital part (such as the heart, lungs, brains, etc.), hich would mean she'd die. Her other strength are the plates on her shoulders. These are custom weapons, and can either change into wings, or gunlike objects.

Spoiler: Concept "doodles"

Can't actually call them art really...

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Shiva1.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Pearl1.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Durga-Tasha1.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Durga1.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Tasha3.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Tasha2.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Tasha1.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Durgapinky.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Shivaspike.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/Mountsinpatrol.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/verminity.png
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/CCI00003-1.jpg
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c165/TheCryofFallenAngels/Random stuff/ShivavsPearl.png

Congrats if you actually read through this, even more if you bothered to comment it.

 

[kaidus]

This is dense and purple text attempting to be profound but failing horribly.

It's unnecessarily convoluted and therefore I can barely make sense of what you're trying to convey. I'd try to edit the above, but without knowing what's the point, I think I'd do more harm than good.

Although, if it were up to me, I'd cut it so that it isn't longer than 3 lines. Any longer and it's just mindless rambling that the player won't pay attention to. Figure out what you want to say and just say it. Sure you can take artistic license, but don't let the true meaning get lost with all the shiny fluff.

Wow, ok, offence taken. I almost responded with a bunch of sarcastic, angry twaddle, though I then realised that a readers take on a piece is far more accurate than that of a writers. I honestly thought I'd hit it when I wrote that, though apparently I was way off the mark. My goal with the above dialogue was not to inform the player, it was to make them think. As someone who has been playing RPGs for years, when I see speech in the form of a monologue I much prefere to see writing that I have to think about as opposed to something that has been dumbed down so anyone can take it in first time without any independant thought. Have I failed from that perspective also?

 

[alexia]

@cry: It reminds me of X-men for some reason. But instead of the mutants being the outcasts, it's the normal ones. Though I wouldn't call someone with four arms normal. So, is it a whole "man against machines" theme? Also, I understand that they kept trying to perfect the humans, but what happened to their free will? Did they take it away as a means of controlling them? Anyway, it sounds interesting but to be honest, I was more engaged when I was reading the intro than the letter from the first chapter. I really like your characters, though. Very creative.

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

Funny you say X-men, because a friend of mine told the "clones" were like mutants.

The theme is far from man against machine, there isn't much of a "big conflict" in any case. The goal is pretty much to deliver the package (as shallow as it sounds), and while they're busy doing that they're getting wrapped up in many different situations. They have to deal with crazy things like a circus-guy that collects creatures including humans in cages, a flowergirl who is pretending to be a hooker to simply murder her randomly picked-clients, a scarecrow looking guy that hopes to make as many people lost as possible, etc.
The entire thing just has an incredible focus on sidestories rather than the main story. It's also about showing the world I recreated (from Brittain to Italy), the issues that world brings with it, the good things that it brings with it, the things that you can also see in our world (like monuments and the like). Granted that you can't travel all lands, thus I added Pearl (who you've been able to read about) and Onyx (the man that accompanied her), who take the more eastern detour through Europe.

Free will, that does basically exist. There are "free creautures" living out there, who act like today's humans. They're just in lesser numbers. They work for smaller companies that can't afford to create their own employees.

 

[Lene]

Wow, ok, offence taken. I almost responded with a bunch of sarcastic, angry twaddle, though I then realised that a readers take on a piece is far more accurate than that of a writers. I honestly thought I'd hit it when I wrote that, though apparently I was way off the mark. My goal with the above dialogue was not to inform the player, it was to make them think. As someone who has been playing RPGs for years, when I see speech in the form of a monologue I much prefere to see writing that I have to think about as opposed to something that has been dumbed down so anyone can take it in first time without any independant thought. Have I failed from that perspective also?

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to say that I think you could be a hell of a lot more concise with your opening text. It's one thing to have dialogue that makes someone think, but it's another, worse, situation to have dialogue that someone has to literally sit there and think "What the heck did this person just say?" Unfortunately, I was doing much of the latter on first read.

The player is not going to get a chance to re-read your opening dialogue. Remember, you're not writing a book, you're writing a game. Heck, the way you've set it up, the player won't even get a chance to pause and think before moving on. With that in mind, the player should be able to immediately take in dialogue on at least a literal level. That's priority #1. After that, you can work on trying to make your dialogue into something that lodges itself into the player's head and provokes thought.

I re-read your opening scene a few more times and I think I got the gist of what you were trying to convey. To help be more constructive (I'll admit, I was curt in my first reply. I'm always like that when I comment on writing), I went ahead and put on my beta-reader hat and did some editing:

RED = IMO you should delete this. It's not working.
BLUE = An addition/revision by me. Not the gospel but, a suggestion for a better alternative

It is by the shine of moon, that we can understand who we are and what we have been. When all light fades, and only a glimmer of hope fills the sky (a glimmer of hope filling the sky? Isn't that contradictory?) to a glimmer of hope... one's self, and one's self-consciousness... are all that remain.they are all that remain.

I ponder the meaning of fate. The lone agent left to cerebrate what fate holds. Is it solid? Is my life just an open book? been a book to read? Or is it transparent sands, slipping through the hand of it's creator. Will our lives be a voyage of discovery discovered as we voyage through, or, are they invented,is life preset from birth. the day we were born. Whatever fate reveals itself to be, my fate has been torn asunder...thrusting me into an existence I did not desire. Whichever way it is that the water of fate flows...mine is decimated...torn asunder...

Thrust into an existance I did not desire.

As you can see, A LOT of red text. In my opinion, I felt lines in red were either redundant, confusing, or they killed the flow of the the text. Cleaning it up we get this:

When all light fades to a glimmer of hope, one's self and one's self-consciousness are all that remain.

I ponder the meaning of fate. Is my life just an open book? Will our lives be a voyage of discovery or, is life preset from birth.

Whatever fate reveals itself to be, my fate has been torn asunder...thrusting me into an existence I did not desire.

I marked the first sentence orange because, while it doesn't bother me too much, you could delete it to tighten up the entire text.

Here's a disclaimer: I'm not the best writer in the world. Someone could come in here and post that you should do something completely different or, that you shouldn't listen to me because I'm smoking the crack. However, I adhere to the school of keeping things simple. IMO, keeping your dialogue simple doesn't mean that it can't be thought provoking.

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

If lene's post was "a bunch of sarcastic, angry twaddle", I think Dorito should be very, very happy I wasn't the one commenting that.

I pretty much agree with Lene in this case, there's too much text that kills the flow, too many words that can be taken out. If you write something, it's gotta mean something, the red parts really hit me as if it's there just for the sake of having more letters.

 

[kaidus]

What I meant in my previous post, TCOFA, was that I almost responded in an aggressive and sarcastic manner, as I had actually taken offence by what was said. However I then considered it and realised that while I still felt saying I had "failed horribly" was a tad harsh, there was actually truth in what was being said. Thanks for the advice. I'm not overly fond of the changes you made, Lene, but I think that's because when I wrote the dialogue I just wrote it straight off, so taking bits out of the middle is like taking bits out of the middle of a poorly made tower. You either have the poorly made tower, or the pile of mess that is it's remains. I reckon I'll just look back over it tonight when I get home and rewrite the whole thing, just taking one or two ideas. Thanks, I appreciate it.

Edit: I tend to waffle on in my posts too, it would seem.

 

[Lene]

I wouldn't compare your dialogue to a poorly made tower, but a flower arrangement where the arranger was trying to throw too much decoration into it. The flowers are already beautiful by themselves, all the frills are just making the arrangement look tacky.

If you don't necessarily think that less is more then read your writing over and at least just ask yourself "Is this really necessary?" Even more importantly, ask "Have I already said this?"

For example, this line:

The lone agent, left to cerebrate what fate holds. Is it solid? Has my life just been a book to read? Or is it transparent sands, slipping through the hand of it's creator.

and this line

Will our lives be discovered as we voyage through, or are they invented, preset from the day we were born.

Ask the exact same question: Is life predestined or not? Why would you need to ask this twice?

TCOFA- Read your introduction, and it's interesting, but I think it's sort of awkward in place. However, I'm thinking that might be a language issue. Also, I feel your introduction is twice as long as it needs to be. (Noticing a trend here? XD)

RED = IMO, Delete
PINK = Reword this.

Every year, we have an moment of silence for the brave men who gave their lives for our freedom, the innocent victims who died in war.

You say brave men who gave their lives for freedom, and then qualify those men as "innocent victims"? You're contradicting yourself.

We are so happy we can live in a safe environment, and we realise people made large sacrifices to achieve this. But what if those sacrifices didn’t have to be made? What if there never was a world war? How would our world look like now? There are so many possibilities, impossible to imagine. we may not be able to tell what would have happened. This story will be set in something that could have happened.

This paragraph is a bit awkward. I think you should find a thesaurus and replace "so happy" and "so many" with stronger words (e.g. grateful, endless). As it is, they sound insincere and weak.

I don't have a problem with "safe environment" but I think you could try to find a term that's more personal. Not too personal, but less detached than the aforementioned quote.

"we may not be able to tell what would have happened" is just awkward plain and simple. I put a suggestion in blue, but sadly I think my suggestion is awkward to, albeit a tiny bit less.

The last sentence is really awkward. You should just try to say that in a completely different way.

Now, frankly, I feel that the rest of the introduction is unnecessary. If you were going to post a project thread today, I'd just say go with the above and leave the rest to the actual game.

However, I'll edit the rest of the introduction for the hell of it.

As you may know, before the world wars, cloning had been an relatively important subject in science. This was however, not as supported as could have been. The Governments spent their money on new kinds of machinery used to battle many bloody fights. If there wouldn’t ever have been a world war, maybe the governments would have seen the importance of the cloning process and have offered financial support.

Making two identical creatures was hard to achieve. So scientists started using their knowledge of DNA structure to “improveâ€Â

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

That wasn't for the thread lene, haven't even started on that. The thread will be quite a bit shorter. As for the awkward wording of things, I really need to get writing practive in English eh?

Also, what the hell is a thesaurus?

 

[Lene]

Yeah, I could kinda tell that it wasn't for the thread. It's a good stopping point if you were going to use this introduction for a thread though.

A thesaurus is like a dictionary but instead of giving you the meaning of the word you look up, it gives you words that mean the same thing (and a few words that mean the opposite). http://www.dictionary.com has a thesaurus on it (use it all the time, XD)

I'm suggesting you use one because, I'm noticing a lot of places where you are trying to get some meaning across but it's coming across as childish (no offense). There's nothing wrong with saying "Less and less people" but, saying "Fewer people" is stronger. Why say something is "really really really big" when you can say it is "enormous"?

(Oh, and I don't know if alexia wanted this thread to turn into Lene nitpicks the hell out of rmxp.org's writing...so I think I'll just chill out after TCoFA's piece. Well, unless it's okay for me to do so...)

 

[alexia]

Lene, I think that you are giving valid, thoughtful responses so you are welcome to post as much as you want.