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- Thread starter Akuma209
- Start date
MukanshinBlack
Member
Omg kid. Did you ever go to school? Ever heard of periods (".") or commas (",")? Did you say you edited the grammer? To better or worse? I see no improvement from when you first posted this piece of shit.
The best character in the game? Do you mean he's the main character?
He's smart and dumb? What the hell does that mean? That he is of average intelligence? Also you said NOTHING about his personality except contradictory emotions/actions.
Get the hell out of la-la land and fix your thread because it's seriously unbearable. The spelling, grammer, story, characters... Everything, to put it more simply.
The best character in the game? Do you mean he's the main character?
He's smart and dumb? What the hell does that mean? That he is of average intelligence? Also you said NOTHING about his personality except contradictory emotions/actions.
Get the hell out of la-la land and fix your thread because it's seriously unbearable. The spelling, grammer, story, characters... Everything, to put it more simply.
jacen_omas
Member
This is quite bad man, I agree that you really need to clean up this thread. I would recommend getting some serious help with your writing because until you do know one is going to take you seriously.
SakuraPhoenix
Member
Here let me help start you off a little...
Green= You need to capitalize
Blue=Spelling mistake I corrected
Red=Grammar choice should be changed/ wrong punctuation, etc.
OrangeNotes if something is missing, and I added to it.
Strikethrough= This should be omitted.
Game Story : this game takes place in 2006. high up in the mountains there's a boy who was left alone after his grandpas death.
he still blames himself for what happened when that assassin killed his Grandpa. His grandpa's death, forced him to live alone a in the hard life up in the mountains, Because he's afraid for the city, he trains up in the mountains. but what He doesn't know that the assassin that killed his grandpa wasn't a ordinary assassin. he is an alien that ruled the galaxy with fear and destruction. kaian wanted revenge on that assassin more than anything else.
-an easy way to remember how to spell assassin is to break it down visually. ASS-ass-IN.
And I'll stop doing most of the grammar fixing/ suggestions there. After a period you need to capitalize the next letter than begins the next sentance. I've made the letter red , from here on out, where you need to change to capitalization in the next few sentances. If you fix them and follow the idea throughout your thread, I'll help you with the difference between past tense and present tense and some other grammar issues you seem to have.
-Names need also to be capitilized.
but in some way he knew he wasn't strong enough to face the assasian so he trained years and years. until that one faithful day where the assasian sent ghosts to kill the boy in fear of the boy growing to strong. but the assasian was to late kaian was stronger than ever he killed all ghosts. but After that the strongest ghost came kaian was tired and outmatched but a miracle happened the Saikain Soul that was sealed away was free, feeling the rage flow within him he's strenght increased 10 folds. a nd the ghost was out matched but the strength that was drawn out of him made him feel weak and powerless. so he fell down on the ground and after that krilon found him laying there on the ground he took him a long way but the ghost kept coming. no match for krilon and kaian. still kaian was to weak to travel for himself so krilon took him to his house and there kaian rested. for 2 whole days. when he wakes up hes so hungry and he gets the food he needs. after that they set out on a journey for the 5 magical crystals not as easy as they thought it would be the journey includes alot of fighting alot of smiles and alot of anger. don't miss this game
I'm no grammar queen myself, but a little can go a long way. Right? ^^
Green= You need to capitalize
Blue=Spelling mistake I corrected
Red=Grammar choice should be changed/ wrong punctuation, etc.
OrangeNotes if something is missing, and I added to it.
Strikethrough= This should be omitted.
Game Story : this game takes place in 2006. high up in the mountains there's a boy who was left alone after his grandpas death.
he still blames himself for what happened when that assassin killed his Grandpa. His grandpa's death, forced him to live alone a in the hard life up in the mountains, Because he's afraid for the city, he trains up in the mountains. but what He doesn't know that the assassin that killed his grandpa wasn't a ordinary assassin. he is an alien that ruled the galaxy with fear and destruction. kaian wanted revenge on that assassin more than anything else.
-an easy way to remember how to spell assassin is to break it down visually. ASS-ass-IN.
And I'll stop doing most of the grammar fixing/ suggestions there. After a period you need to capitalize the next letter than begins the next sentance. I've made the letter red , from here on out, where you need to change to capitalization in the next few sentances. If you fix them and follow the idea throughout your thread, I'll help you with the difference between past tense and present tense and some other grammar issues you seem to have.
-Names need also to be capitilized.
but in some way he knew he wasn't strong enough to face the assasian so he trained years and years. until that one faithful day where the assasian sent ghosts to kill the boy in fear of the boy growing to strong. but the assasian was to late kaian was stronger than ever he killed all ghosts. but After that the strongest ghost came kaian was tired and outmatched but a miracle happened the Saikain Soul that was sealed away was free, feeling the rage flow within him he's strenght increased 10 folds. a nd the ghost was out matched but the strength that was drawn out of him made him feel weak and powerless. so he fell down on the ground and after that krilon found him laying there on the ground he took him a long way but the ghost kept coming. no match for krilon and kaian. still kaian was to weak to travel for himself so krilon took him to his house and there kaian rested. for 2 whole days. when he wakes up hes so hungry and he gets the food he needs. after that they set out on a journey for the 5 magical crystals not as easy as they thought it would be the journey includes alot of fighting alot of smiles and alot of anger. don't miss this game
I'm no grammar queen myself, but a little can go a long way. Right? ^^
Alright, chilluns, I think he gets that his English is poor by now, no need to beat that dead horse. If you actually plan on helping him with his grammar and etc., then by all means, do it(like SakuraPhoenix), but if your post consists of nothing more than "lol your grammer bad", I'll have to start handing out warns!
Akuma209, Please try to be more receptive to criticism. These people are(more or less) trying to help you, so there's no need to get all defensive over it. All it does is make you look bad.
And I would also recommend that you get a proofreader(owait didnt i just say not to post this). If you make a thread in Recruitment and Classifieds, I'm sure someone will be happy to help you with your English.
Akuma209, Please try to be more receptive to criticism. These people are(more or less) trying to help you, so there's no need to get all defensive over it. All it does is make you look bad.
And I would also recommend that you get a proofreader(owait didnt i just say not to post this). If you make a thread in Recruitment and Classifieds, I'm sure someone will be happy to help you with your English.
MukanshinBlack
Member
PM him if you want to ask for resources, and don't lie to his face like that.Minato":1822ltpr said:
Are you talking about his bad spelling and grammer? Plenty of people already mentioned that so I don't think another one saying it will make a difference (especially since you don't tell him what spellchecker to run it through, I mean if he had some spellchecker availible to him wouldn't he have run this through it already?).Cerus":1822ltpr said:
On topic: any revision coming out Akuma? Did you give up on the game yet? And if not, any progress?
damn long vication from RMXP Now i am back to improve myself my grammar isn't exactly the best yet but it has improved a bit and i am starting all over in this game with better story lines and all that things you guys said il start easy and make it Hard. yea i now why am i bumping an old thread well this thread isn't closed yet. but il improve my game to the top. thanks for reading
May I ask you, from which country you are? Since your spelling and grammar ist quite bad, I suggest, you're not from an English speaking country.
Your game certainly needs improvement, as many people said before, but at least I like the idea to have the story mode and a battle mode. That's quite unusual in the RPG Maker community and if it's well done, it might be a good idea. I'm also glad, you didn't just throw the towel after the harsh critics, but still trying to improve. Have fun with the RMXP, I hope, at one day we can have fun with your game.
Your game certainly needs improvement, as many people said before, but at least I like the idea to have the story mode and a battle mode. That's quite unusual in the RPG Maker community and if it's well done, it might be a good idea. I'm also glad, you didn't just throw the towel after the harsh critics, but still trying to improve. Have fun with the RMXP, I hope, at one day we can have fun with your game.
THANKS That was really a boost. i am in norway but i am still learning english fully. but i am african so my english in real life is really good one of the best in my class mate. it will take weeks and months to plan the new version of my game but the battle system is the same and my idea of story mode and a battle mode is not going away it will be fully complete when i am done with it.
but thanks sapphire that was a boost
but thanks sapphire that was a boost
jayjaykirby
Member
well akuma. i have to say.not a master story teller myself. but you are forcing too many concepts in at once. you have basically gave away your whole story NEVER a good idea my friend. the alien bit would've been better as a plot element to reveal somewhere in the middle.