In no particular order...
Laserblast!
Billy was a kid who got pushed around... Then he found the power
A veritable bildungsroman about a mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen, who develops into a mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen with a lasercannon arm, who then changes into a more dynamic less unlikable pile of dust. Its hard to begin with what to talk about since the script of this film (this presumes that there was a script and not just shit we made up while we shot principle photography) is such a screeching train wreck.
Anyway, Turtle Aliens leave behind a laser cannon powered by a green mood stone in the desert, where mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen is moping about the fact that he is such a loser that even Eddie Deezen and what appears to be Eddie Deezen's executive assistant makes fun of him. He discovers the cannon's power after regressing into a twelve year old and running around with the laser cannon pretending to fire it while making sound effects with his mouth. Afterwards, mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen attends a pool party with his girlfriend for roughly eleven years. Eddie Deezen's executive assistant tries to mack on mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen's girlfriend, so he does what is the natural thing. He goes on a random killing spree with his new found laser arm.
Roddy McDowall was somehow coerced into playing a minor role in this cinematic tragedy. He plays a physician who examines shirtless unlikable angsty teen's unsightly chest boil and then is murdered just a few scenes later for no reason other than perhaps Roddy demanded it so he could stop working on the film. This film may be the product of an amateur producer and director team with delusions of grandeur. Late in the film unlikable angsty teen fires his laser arm at a star wars billboard and then pumps his arm triumphantly at the smoldering wreckage of a film much better than itself. What we are supposed to make of this I'm not sure. But given the utter ineptitude that plagues this film it was delicious irony.
Leonard Maltin gave this heaping pile of ineptitude 2 1/2 stars which by extension means the following movies are no better than Laserblast: Amadeus (eight academy awards), Being There (Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine), The Great Santini (Robert Duvall), The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Harrison Ford, Sean Connery), Sophie's Choice (Best Leading Actress Oscar Meryl Streep), and Marathon Man (Dustin Hoffman and Sir Laurence Olivier).
Pros: As good as Amadeus and Sophie's Choice. Eddie Deezen. Unlikable angsty teen changes into a more likable pile of ashes.
Cons: People have been known to visibly age as they watch the pool party scenes.
The Horror of Spider Island
Craving the Blood of Beautiful Women!
The Horror of Spider Island is what occurs when screenwriter's from the porn industry try and flex their range and write in a legitimate genre. Either that or the screenplay was written and casted by sex starved twelve year old boys, or the biggest sex crazed chauvanist to ever grace 1960. This is a movie that should be a porno but isn't. Its as if it wanted to be but then chickened out at the last minute.
This is a sexploitation film of perhaps the most hilariously insipid kind. The story is pretty basic horror schlock. A bunch of dancer girls are trapped on Spider Island with their beefy manager who proudly parades shirtless and covered in chest grease. Anyway being women they are completely helpless and are really only capable of cooing, writhing lazily in scant clothing, randomly trying to make out with any male nearby, and fighting over scraps of leftover clothing in an abandoned house. And people say their aren't enough dignified roles for women in cinema, ha.
Anyway to make matters worse the one capable man on the island is bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes a beefy guy in a stupid spider/wolfman mask. Which leads him to murdering a few of the woman by weirdly groping at them with his hairy palms (guess grandma was right about that one). Luckily a passing sailor spies on the girls skinny dipping one day and drags one of them off and sexually assaults her, an act which she later construes as love.
Anyway he brings along his sailor friend and the girls and the two lucky guys celebrate the girls' imminent rescue. This leads to drinking and more half naked writhing women which results in a fight scene between the two sailors since apparently outside of being a rapist sailor number one is also an unfaithful rapist which apparently is inexcusable. Anyway they fight over one of the girls which Sailor 2 has fallen in love with over the past ten minutes. Then spider manager returns. So he is chased with torches for about three hours until he runs off screen presumably smothered by quicksand and the film kind of peters out.
Pros: The Whores of Spider Island
Cons: The Horror of Spider Island
Stinger Line: Mike Blackwood: There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and we've lost radio contact.
Laserblast!
Billy was a kid who got pushed around... Then he found the power
A veritable bildungsroman about a mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen, who develops into a mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen with a lasercannon arm, who then changes into a more dynamic less unlikable pile of dust. Its hard to begin with what to talk about since the script of this film (this presumes that there was a script and not just shit we made up while we shot principle photography) is such a screeching train wreck.
Anyway, Turtle Aliens leave behind a laser cannon powered by a green mood stone in the desert, where mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen is moping about the fact that he is such a loser that even Eddie Deezen and what appears to be Eddie Deezen's executive assistant makes fun of him. He discovers the cannon's power after regressing into a twelve year old and running around with the laser cannon pretending to fire it while making sound effects with his mouth. Afterwards, mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen attends a pool party with his girlfriend for roughly eleven years. Eddie Deezen's executive assistant tries to mack on mopey shirtless unlikable angsty teen's girlfriend, so he does what is the natural thing. He goes on a random killing spree with his new found laser arm.
Roddy McDowall was somehow coerced into playing a minor role in this cinematic tragedy. He plays a physician who examines shirtless unlikable angsty teen's unsightly chest boil and then is murdered just a few scenes later for no reason other than perhaps Roddy demanded it so he could stop working on the film. This film may be the product of an amateur producer and director team with delusions of grandeur. Late in the film unlikable angsty teen fires his laser arm at a star wars billboard and then pumps his arm triumphantly at the smoldering wreckage of a film much better than itself. What we are supposed to make of this I'm not sure. But given the utter ineptitude that plagues this film it was delicious irony.
Leonard Maltin gave this heaping pile of ineptitude 2 1/2 stars which by extension means the following movies are no better than Laserblast: Amadeus (eight academy awards), Being There (Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine), The Great Santini (Robert Duvall), The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Harrison Ford, Sean Connery), Sophie's Choice (Best Leading Actress Oscar Meryl Streep), and Marathon Man (Dustin Hoffman and Sir Laurence Olivier).
Pros: As good as Amadeus and Sophie's Choice. Eddie Deezen. Unlikable angsty teen changes into a more likable pile of ashes.
Cons: People have been known to visibly age as they watch the pool party scenes.
The Horror of Spider Island
Craving the Blood of Beautiful Women!
The Horror of Spider Island is what occurs when screenwriter's from the porn industry try and flex their range and write in a legitimate genre. Either that or the screenplay was written and casted by sex starved twelve year old boys, or the biggest sex crazed chauvanist to ever grace 1960. This is a movie that should be a porno but isn't. Its as if it wanted to be but then chickened out at the last minute.
This is a sexploitation film of perhaps the most hilariously insipid kind. The story is pretty basic horror schlock. A bunch of dancer girls are trapped on Spider Island with their beefy manager who proudly parades shirtless and covered in chest grease. Anyway being women they are completely helpless and are really only capable of cooing, writhing lazily in scant clothing, randomly trying to make out with any male nearby, and fighting over scraps of leftover clothing in an abandoned house. And people say their aren't enough dignified roles for women in cinema, ha.
Anyway to make matters worse the one capable man on the island is bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes a beefy guy in a stupid spider/wolfman mask. Which leads him to murdering a few of the woman by weirdly groping at them with his hairy palms (guess grandma was right about that one). Luckily a passing sailor spies on the girls skinny dipping one day and drags one of them off and sexually assaults her, an act which she later construes as love.
Anyway he brings along his sailor friend and the girls and the two lucky guys celebrate the girls' imminent rescue. This leads to drinking and more half naked writhing women which results in a fight scene between the two sailors since apparently outside of being a rapist sailor number one is also an unfaithful rapist which apparently is inexcusable. Anyway they fight over one of the girls which Sailor 2 has fallen in love with over the past ten minutes. Then spider manager returns. So he is chased with torches for about three hours until he runs off screen presumably smothered by quicksand and the film kind of peters out.
Pros: The Whores of Spider Island
Cons: The Horror of Spider Island
Stinger Line: Mike Blackwood: There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and we've lost radio contact.
