Warside's guide to a better story

[Warside]

My Sample Story, Scene 1(Yeah, It's based on RTP people.)
"Rain...It was actually raining in the mine town of Januar"
I wrote that only a year ago, I, Aluxes, had enjoyed that day... The day I turned 16...But at dawn, I will never see any of that again, as I am leaving with my friends. It is 1 hour until dawn. Basil is my best friend, and unlike most boys his age, he has chosen to study the art of spear combat, which is usually the choice of a soldier. Two ladies are going with us as well. Gloria is a very smart girl who, like her mother, is a healer. I have what you might call a "crush" on Gloria. The other one is Estelle. Oh, Estelle... If there is any more of a pain in the butt than her.....You get it. Only 15 minutes until dawn. I start down my stairs to the 1st floor. My family is already outside, waiting, weeping, making comments like "Is he to young?", "Will he be well?", But I shall stay no longer. 5 minutes until dawn. I am at the village gate, I have said my goodbyes and we are getting our horses ready. Dawn. And we finally set out for the rising sun in the East.
The Lesson
This would make a decent beginning to any game, I'm talking in cutscene format. As most of you know this is a narrative story, and it can fit in many games. It is popular in the form of a diary, possibly an old man telling stories in the local pub (look at Brom from the movie Eragon) But however you choose, please, please Make whoever the narrator is clear.
make it as if you are dealing with a 6 year old, Look at my story

I, Aluxes

Only make it vague if you are going for a mystery story, or it is the bad man who you don't want revealed.
End part 1

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

I don't like it. I don't like the writing, I don't like the idea behind it, I just really don't like it. It sounds so illogical, summarising some points;

1. The beginning, pick a time for the love of God =| Or at least make it more clear what time what is written in.
2. Who would write "I, Aluxes" anyway and also write "Oh, Estelle... If there is any more of a pain in the butt than her"? It's a very different style and thus it clashes.
3.You used way too much ...'s
4. You're letting him tell things to himself which he would know.

I'll redo it for a bit, it will still be WAY from perfect due this being a 5 minute job;


19th of Januari, 2007

Dear diary,

It has been raining today, rain in Januari, I thought that was impossible. I thought the only thing the sky would gift us in this month would be snow. It reminded me of the 19th of January 2006, it's been so long I can barely remember what happened back then. I think I'll lay down on my bed and go back in time for tonight. Hopefull there's enough oil to read all night.

P.S. I turned seventeen.



19th of Januari, 2006

Dear diary,

Today is my birthday, as well as the day I'll set out on my voyage. A snowy day, I don't think I'll forget this day easily. It's the last time I see most of my family, friends and the other villagers in a long while. I have untill dawn, so I should be spending this last hour with them, but I can't bare to see them knowing that I might not ever again.

This morning, I talked things over with Basil. He seemed to be way more confident about the entire case than me. He has tried comforting me, even though in his own way. But if I were to be honest, his is one of the best ways I know. We talked about how our childish admiration for the guards and the wish to be them would finally start paying off. Basil and his spear, me and my sword, before today we never had a use for them. Looking forward we knew we'd need them.

We also talked about our companions. Two girls, Gloria and Hilda. I couldn't hide from Basil how much I liked Gloria. I'm sure I've written her names thousands of times among the previous pages, but Basil didn't know the way I felt. He smiled and teased me with it, something I can always count on if I'm unsure. Yet somehow, it made me feel better.

We agreed on the fact that Hilda was a brat, and we discussed several theories how she could've turned out like this. The one story was even stranger than the other. From being spoilt in her childhood till her magic corrupting her mind. It's been a while since I've had a laugh like that.

I think I'll go downstairs now and spend some last time with friends and family regardless of how I feel about it. I think I should cherish these moments, not avoid them.


There are always identity-less narrators, accept it or not, they are there, and they work. Remember the "once upon a time-stories"? Did you ever wonder who was narrating that? I doubt so.

Though it's good you want to help people, you're REALLY not ready for this kind of thing yet. Maybe in time, maybe like in my case, never =/

 

[Ravenith]

This is more of a narrative issue.
First of all, you should choose your style of writing.
There is the "epic saga" thing: "I, Aluxes, son of Warside, trust thee with the story of my life..."
Too dramatic.
Then there is the "too casual" style: "I woke up early, only the gods know why, and my mom came in. She;s a pain in the arse sometimes"

Look, games with narrations or dialogs are no different from books. Would you think you can write a book? No, really?
Try reading some book or short story and notice the writing style.
Try some forgotten realms stuff, and then try again. It might help.

 

[Warside]

Well, It was just an attempt, I'll try better on the next lesson, which will probably be on character history...I'll get to work on that now!

 

[Ravenith]

Sorry if I was a bit harsh, I didn't mean to. Your thread is actually a very interesting one. Keep up the good work!