Walk Away.

[Surmuck]

I feel semi-obligated to post at least one of my pieces; and I figure I might as well go with (although I don't think its my personal best) one of my more well recieved poems. Keep in mind, this is an unedited - almost two years old, piece. But I think its deserving of some editing, so here-a-go

She runs away
In pourin' rain
Time frozen, one more second
And I am behind, alone just me
My eyes watering, no one can tell
And my lips quivering, slightly
Silence waits, beneath the rain
That rain mixed with salty tears
I turn, this is the end - I say
And walk away
In pourin' rain

Urgh. Don't hit me.

 

[Sonata]

Seems like some solid poetry. One thing you could do is switch the order of the first two lines to create a full circle ending.

 

[Surmuck]

Hmm..what about cutting out the first line entirely? Reading it [without the first line], I think that would make the poem a more..revealing state. As currently, you get what it's about pretty much at the first line - when removing it wouldn't severely effect the mood of the poem. I think.

 

[Sonata]

Yeah, you could do that too. That line isn't really significant.