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Untitled (woo ven wrote something)

I'm dumping this here because LA needs some more content and it's been a while since I've contributed. It has nothing to do with anything, and it's more of an excerpt than a short story (as it lacks an ending), but i felt like writing. so.
I originally was kinda planning on expanding this into a novella of some sort but I decided the plot was too pretentious and I wanted to do something more narrative.


--

untitled

The rain breathed out unintelligible paf!s as they fled to prostrate on the pavement. They spoke in heady little intimations, collections of recollections dispersing into the anomalous melody of the evening shower. A car glissaded over the glassy asphalt--or at least, it seemed to, until the low, uneven roll of white noise could quaver down the street in exposition; it signaled that static-sound of new tires gripping oily pavement. An unobtrusive rumble from the engine followed suit. The driver was obscured by shadows, but snatches of light grabbed her blouse and lit up pie slices along her right arm and chest, flashing the vivid blue fabric among the mirrory greys and murky blacks. The car itself--something foreign, something efficient, something expensive--mimicked the hueless sky. Woe-begotten rain droplets clung to it for brief seconds, until they were shrugged off and cast away from the sloping trunk and the sleek rear bumper.

Troy blew a mist of rainwater off his upper lip as he watched the miracle of modern invention amble past. The woman-driver hadn't seen him, but even still, it felt as if she'd been glancing in his direction. Perhaps some instinct had warned her of a presence in his location: a pressure, some heat signature that wasn't wholly perceived. A dim crimson cascade bounced off the road as she stuttered on the brake intuitively. Most folks could tell when other people were around, even if they weren't immediately visible.

The city was full of them: Red and blue platelets, coursing through the arteries and capillaries of the grand circulatory infrastructure. Mindlessly nourishing the centers they needed to, all while piling atop one another around the manifesting clogs, bruises, and tumors, blossoming all around in a field of death-colored posies. People. Minding their own business, minding other peoples' business--but all the same, figuring that they had everything mapped out for them. Assuming that their reality was all there was and all there'd ever be.

Unlike them, however, the blind man in the park knew Troy was around; he'd honed that much-neglected sixth sense into a fine blade of lucidity.

THE park, Troy mused. He felt as if he might be smirking but made no real effort to show it. There were hundreds of parks he'd been through. The park with Blind Thomas could be a thousand miles away, for all it mattered. It was always "the"-something. The park, the bus, the turnstyle, the hour, the box of instant curry. Placing frivolous importance on unimportant things, associating memories with places and objects and strangers. It was really only a park, just one park out of the thousands dotting the country (maybe millions? Who cares to count municipal zonings?). Why was it special?

"He knew I was there," the man answered his thoughts. As he wasn't speaking to anyone in particular, and wasn't really trying to inform anyone of anything, he'd oversimplified the conjecture. He was referring of course to Blind Thomas. It was the park because that was the only one in the world which contained that moment. A glossy lead-glass snowglobe, encasing a glimpse of time. And frozen inside the vacuum-sealed chamber filled with glycerin and soap flakes, was a miniature porcelain scene of a queer old homeless fellow, wearing giant 80's sunglasses, asking Troy if the man had any spare change. The fellow had looked a little like Tom Selleck from Magnum, P.I., except dehydrated like beef jerky, and left without a barber or a beard trimmer for several months. His eyes were squinted, and his bottom lip was a turned-down bedspread. But it was special not because of the way the guy looked, or what he'd asked for: it was the way Blind Thomas had done it, period. Plainly, openly, with an air of boredom, and all the tenacity of mundanely paying a parking ticket.

"Speak up, man!" The beggar had complained, after Troy had opened the floodgates of interjections at him. "I know you're jawin' away but I can't make out a damned thing you're sayin'!"


Troy had had a dog whistle as a boy. He'd bought it off the back of a dimestore comic book. It'd taken 6-to-8 weeks to arrive, and he'd forgotten about it between the time he'd sent the cash and the point his mother had dropped the brown parcel on the kitchen table. He didn't have a dog, but he'd been curious about it all the same. Send Secret Messages to Your Canine Friends! the 2"-by-2" advertisement proclaimed, dolled up in a bold, decorative font, above an amateurish drawing of a collie perking up an ear and smiling a doggy smile. That particular day he ordered it, Troy wasn't terribly interested in blowing his lunch money on a pack of cigarettes in the bathroom again (he still had 8 left in the pack: they tasted like sucking on hot Vapo-Rub and none of the kids had been treating him any differently, despite all the coolness he'd been told he'd acquire upon taking the first drag). It was a burden carrying money to school now, because it was common knowledge among the sixth graders at Morningrow Elementary, that if you had cash, then you had to spend it.

In remedy of the situation, his absently-saved five dollar bill was placed in a small office envelope, along with the carefully-clipped and filled-out ad, and dropped into the mailbox. It summarily disintegrated into the postal system, never to be seen again. But after he'd finally received the package from the NovelCo Corporation, there was little surprise or celebration. He opened the box nonchalantly, and discovered his long-forgotten prize with a mild taste of nostalgia. Wasting no time (though acting mostly in boredom and instinctual curiosity rather than excitement), he drew it to his lips to bleat out a test of the item.

There'd been a large part of him, the more reflexive part of his brain, expecting a noise. Instead it was like walking off a porch stoop and expecting to step down, but then the shoe hits pavement about twelve inches too soon. The only sound escaping was that of his breath. Dumbly, he'd held it to his eyes, and inspected it. As the child could lay no claim toward being an expert on whistle-assembly, and had no idea in general about how they worked at all, he concluded that the whistle was fine, and realized that he cannot, unfortunately, hear all the same things a dog can (though the reasons behind that mystery were eluding him as well).

Later that day, Troy had carried it in his pocket with him to his friend Harold's. Harold, a brother among four who lived in a small apartment uptown, had no dog either. He did, however, own a grey tabby cat. They'd only tooted the silent tin whistle a few times before the animal noticeably panicked at it. Allegedly, this magical device could cross the species-boundaries, and work on any furry companion. Upon discovery of this phenomenon, the boys had chased the poor animal all over the house, causing it to shudder and scramble away frenetically with every blow. Harold had eventually cornered his pet between the sofa and the wall, and kept whistling, grinning around the mouthpiece in a deranged fashion, reveling in the gooey-sweet schadenfreude. Troy began to feel sympathy for the animal's fear-bloated expression, and he asked Harold to cut it out. The ginger-haired beast then turned to Troy, and, instead of retorting, blew the whistle with all his might right into Troy's ear.

There wasn't an audible noise, but there was a presence of noise. He had felt the pressure against his eardrum, and it had bounced around in his head. It had felt like hearing Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song for the first time again, full blast, in the basement of Cindy Wakeman's house. A sudden effusion of riffing claxons hammering out an exhilarating treble, drowning out everything else in a fleeting vacuum of total silence. And yet, Harold felt absolutely nothing. He was both confused and amused by his friend's strange reaction. The cat scrambled away at last, and Troy stumbled back, his brain lurching to pick up the pieces in a hurry.


That is what he was to Blind Thomas. A deafening, chimerical warble. Invisible sound waves, lapping against the shores of the vagabond's ear, but not washing up anything intelligible. This realization had solidified Troy in a way. It was important because he knew at that point that he, in fact, existed.

A fat pad of butter slid into the man's line of vision. A checkerboard strip ran along one lumpy side, and distended taillights dotting the back brightened as the corpulent thing rumbled to a halt on the street corner. A door opened, and a trim, black umbrella unfurled, followed by an equally trim man in an equally black suit. He fumbled with his wallet as he tried to stuff it back into his breast pocket. Now was as good a time as any to leave. Troy shuffled in and squeezed behind the gentleman before the taxi door could slam shut.

If you're trying to get nowhere in particular, you may as well try to get there quickly.
 

e

Sponsor

reserved for commenting/criticizing.

I don't have much time right now but I can tell you that opening paragraph is going down.
 

candle

Sponsor

Well...

You certainly have a very vibrant and unique writing style. I thought it was pretty good, but I don't see the whole point of the story. I understand it is just an excerpt, but I was still expecting a little more.
 
Whoa, holy big words! I got confused by just the first paragraph. But I guess that means it's good, because my mom always said that all the novels I didn't understand were awesome, even before I tried to read them.
 
Near":133rlnr5 said:
Whoa, holy big words! I got confused by just the first paragraph. But I guess that means it's good, because my mom always said that all the novels I didn't understand were awesome, even before I tried to read them.
Not really, no. It's true that without description, the reader doesn’t have a sense of place and time and mood, but too much can really bog things down and become tiresome. It's important to keep a good balance between a plot continuously moving forward (make sure you use lots o' verbs) and description to immerse the reader into the setting and make them feel involved.

Also, it's a common misconception that big words=better story. This is not true. Often, the simpler words work best. Say what needs to be said, and don't veer off. Too many writers (*cough* Stephanie Meyer *cough*) seem to think if they use a thesaurus to look up every adjective they'll sound more "professional" when really it just sounds awkward.
 
Well I think it's a valid crit for me, despite being presented in a roundabout way. I actually do have a fairly healthy vocabulary; I don't really use thesauruses much ... But I have a tendency to steer myself toward uncommonly-used words. I feel like it makes me come off as priggish. Or probably priggish in an amateurish way :eek:
It sometimes meshes awkwardly when paired with my "off-the-cuff", sometimes disjointed, style of phrasing.
 

e

Sponsor

Overall, I like the piece; oddly, it feels like reading a Stephen King novel. And that's not a compliment or a fault, it's just the first thing I noticed. The constant shifting between past and present, the use of childhood memories to introduce and characterize a scene from the point of view of the protagonist. I liked it: is Troy invisible? It seems to me he is, or at least you're implying most people would not notice him (except for the blind guy and his sixth sense). Is he made of sound waves? Either way, it's intriguing and well built up.

My big critic is the prose itself, which is overburdened by unnecessary descriptives and what I feel is a lack of forethought or design.

I'll go through paragraphs by paragraphs;

Paragraph one opens as a comic book; you get the feel, the sound, the looks; all that's missing is smell, and even this can be inferred by the rain and the pavement, and the weird, oddly comfortable smell of wet pavement on a warm summer day.

And then something heavy hits you, something fat and slow, sweating as it slides down - oh, so slowly - your face: a bloated, overly descriptive sentence.

Now, there's nothing wrong with descriptions, but they have to serve some sort of purpose, and here I can't see any; if anything, it clashes with the overall feel of the piece. It doesn't feel like Troy is the sort of man to complicate everything and babble ceaselessly; rather, he seems like a precise, concise man. In short, it feels like most of the first paragraph has nothing to do with the story.

The rain breathed out unintelligible paf!s as they fled to prostrate on the pavement
The metaphor of the rain breathing out droplets, "unintelligible paf!s", is of poor quality. The rain isn't something you see/feel/imagine breathing out, and since when are exhalations unintelligible? As it is, the metaphor doesn't convey any particular feeling, and seems out of place. Furthermore, "as they fled to prostrate on the pavement"? Who's they? The paf!s? The paf!s aren't the subject of the sentence, "rain" is, and you prostrate yourself, you don't prostrate.

I see what you're trying to convey as a feel, though, and I'll point you in the direction of Alan Moore's The Swamp Thing, which has a similar intro - except it's amazing :)

They spoke in heady little intimations, collections of recollections dispersing into the anomalous melody of the evening shower. A car glissaded over the glassy asphalt--or at least, it seemed to, until the low, uneven roll of white noise could quaver down the street in exposition; it signaled that static-sound of new tires gripping oily pavement. An unobtrusive rumble from the engine followed suit.
I like the first sentence; it gives an air of secrecy, as the rain itself was trying to tell us something, some secret, natural knowledge, a "collection of recollections" of nature's memory. But why is it "anomalous"? And then, the car "glissaded over the glassy asphalt"; nice alliteration, but I really don't see how tires scraping against the "oily pavement" can be described as white noise. My suggestion would to make it, I don't know, break the silence in some way, as if Troy was suddenly coming to his senses after falling into revery. Same thing for the "unobtrusive rumble of the engine". By definition, were it unobtrusive, it wouldn't make any noise, hence it's a completely useless sentence, unless it makes some sort of point which I didn't notice?

The rest of the paragraph was good, except for the "woe-begotten" rain droplets (that drew a chuckle). Still, the overall feel, to me, was that you were trying to show off your vocabulary by appending at least two adjectives to a noun. It felt forced, and noticeably fat, heavy, bloated, etc. Onto the second paragraph: Never fear, Troy is here! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this :(

Troy blew a mist of rainwater off his upper lip as he watched the miracle of modern invention amble past. The woman-driver hadn't seen him, but even still, it felt as if she'd been glancing in his direction.
Why is he blowing "a mist of rainwater off his upper lip" as he watches the car drive by? To me it doesn't show any emotion or any trait of character, simply something you do without realizing you're doing it, some involuntarily movement. Showing this distances the reader and the story from Troy, ostracizing him a little, whereas I feel the rest of the piece molds it to Troy's persona. Other than that, why "the miracle of modern invention"? It carries negative connotations, but nothing seems to indicate some sort of opposition to modernity in the rest of the piece. It also makes it feel as if this anachronism was intended to further separate Troy from this current space-time. Mind, it's a very slight feel, considering that it's but one sentence amongst others; but the best novels are usually polished down to the comma (i.e.: The Great Gatsby? Every fucking letter has its place and has been thoroughly weighted and given months of thoughts). I chuckled at the "woman-driver" part, as if a driver couldn't be a woman, that was good.

And then the piece truly takes off; the rest was so-so, your average internet fiction prose. Now you're really showing some imagination, some insight.

The third paragraph starts out as a metaphor, comparing the city to a circulatory system (nothing new here, but it's still a useful metaphor). I liked the inclusion of red and blue, implying some are "more equal" than others (i.e.: blue blood).

And from then on we start shifting between Troy and reality; the park and the old man, and Troy's view of the park and the old man. What happens, and what it means to Troy. Nice pace, nice build up. I like the "the-" part; like I said, you start showing insight, the bread and butter of the novelist.

But then, later:
As he wasn't speaking to anyone in particular, and wasn't really trying to inform anyone of anything, he'd oversimplified the conjecture. He was referring of course to Blind Thomas.
Honestly, the explanation was unneeded. It feels like you're spoon-feeding the reader and it jerks us out of the story.

The fellow had looked a little like Tom Selleck from Magnum, P.I., except dehydrated like beef jerky, and left without a barber or a beard trimmer for several months.
So. Tom Selleck. It's nice, and it gives us an idea of what the guy looks like, but was there another reason? Because as Troy identifies the man to someone, it gives us insight into him. Now, this is too short for me to tell whether or not it has any meaning, but ultimately you would've picked someone that would provide some details on Troy's life/personality.

As the child could lay no claim toward being an expert on whistle-assembly, and had no idea in general about how they worked at all, he concluded that the whistle was fine, and realized that he cannot, unfortunately, hear all the same things a dog can (though the reasons behind that mystery were eluding him as well).
You're giving him quite a bit of credit; most children would've assumed they were experts. But then it might show us something of Troy which is important. Again, too short of a piece for me to tell.

reveling in the gooey-sweet schadenfreude
I liked that :)

There isn't much to say about the rest of it, I liked it; it was much to short for me to formulate any other criticism :(
 
Yeah it's definitely my worst 1st paragraph ever. My first draft of it that I have as a txt file somewhere on my computer at work was so much better. I don't know why I felt like I had to revise it into absolute oblivion. (It is very fat and bloated. I'd just as soon delete it than ever read it again)

You mentioned that this seemed to lack forethought. It was an apt inference ... This started life as a collection of mostly-random sentences I jotted down one day. (When I'm bored I like to rattle off my thoughts as musings and stash them somewhere--I esp. do this when I'm frustrated at work). I thought it'd be a neat idea to try and string them together. After doing so I had a fleeting interest in the character I'd spawned, and figured I could draw it out a little. But then the more I read it and considered it, the more I hated it.

This is good stuff though. I really appreciate your insight. I really can't argue with any of it, it's spot-on.
 

e

Sponsor

Well stringing together random thoughts can sometime achieve a good effect, but there's still some forethought involved, namely that you strung them together on purpose, you had some secret reason for doing so, whereas here I couldn't find one - which doesn't mean there isn't one, I guess; but you just confirmed that so w/e.
 

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