Twell

[LuxesR]

L.J Ware presents:

Welcome to the world of Twell.
Story:

Spoiler

After one hundred years, the darkest evil in the world, Deff, has returned, just as he swore to do after the hero defeated him all that time ago. The hero is dead but he leaves in his stead a grandson, Luck. Can Luck stop him before he uses the four Spirits to destory the whole world of Twell? But what kind of creature is Deff? Does he really want to destory Twell, and why? Luck, only a young boy and the only survivor after Deff destroys his village, is left no choice but to be the new hero. He will have to team-up with a variety of people to make sure that Twell is saved.

Features:

Spoiler

- Select your own power with the four Spirits.
- Choice your own way to become the hero.
- With 6 Mini Games, playable in the Main Menu and Adventure.
- A Main Menu with Adventure Mode, Battle Mode, Party Mode, Special Mode and L.J Ware Mode.
- Unlock new characters, stages, songs, mini games and games mode for your Main Menu.

Characters:

Spoiler

Luck
Luck is the main character, he is a normal person, he don’t give anything about girls and thinks only about the death of his mother.
Story: It was 100 years ago when his grandfather kills Deff for the peace of Twell. Now Deff is back like he promised and Luck is the only one who survived the fire in his village that was made by Deff. The fire kills his mother. Luck wants revenge.

Keen
Keen is the best friend of Luck. He is a bit stupid so he never have a idea to handle but that won’t make him useless. He is the only Mage of the team.
Story: He was found after the fire in their village. It was a miracle that he was alive. He want to join Luck for the same reason and to help his friend. Keen wasn’t very strong and he didn’t have a armor or something. He didn’t need it, because an strange old lady told him that he was a Mage. Who was this old lady anyway?

Shanon
A girl? Girls cannot fight! Well, she do! But the biggest reason was for love from Luck.
Story: She met Luck when she needed help. Shanon was very impressed by Luck. She told him that she want to fight too but that wasn’t true, she fell in love with Luck but Luck don’t have any idea.

Henry
Henry is a hard person, he never thinks about feelings and he always go straight to the goal. Nevertheless, he have always right because he’s very smart. He is the first one that finds out about the love of Shanon to Luck.
Story: Henry always want to fight but he is not that strong. When he told Luck that he want to kill Deff, Luck asks him to join him. Henry want to fight alone but knew that he didn’t had any change against Deff.

Deff
Deff is the enemy of Twell but he is really that bad?
Story: When he was a young boy, he runs away from his father. A stange old lady told him that he was a special Mage. He could be a strong Mage if he want. Deff trains himself to a strong Mage. He kills his own father. It feels great, so he kills more people. One day someone (the grandfather of Luck) kills him but Deff makes a promise, to come back after 100 years. Now that time has come. But how is he alive?

Screenshots:

Spoiler

L.J Ware presents:

Welcome to the world of Twell.
Story:

Spoiler

When he was a little boy, his father made him crazy after his mother died in a mysterious way. His father bacame a drinker and was abusing his son Dave. After a couple of days, Dave couldn't take it anymore. He runs away. One day an old woman saw a powerful Mage within Dave. She told him that he could be a powerful Mage if he wants to. Dave trains himself and becomes the most powerful Mage ever. He killed his father and he makes himself crazy, just like his father did. He wants the world of Twell for himself. He isn't human anymore with these powers. He was going to look like a monster, a killing machine. One day he met a ghost called Din. Din wants to help him with his powers. He told Deff that he could become even stronger than he was now with his help. Din told him to find the four spirits. With the four Spirits inside of him, he will become the most stongest being ever but why should Din wants to help Deff?

Features:

Spoiler

- Make your own team by catching monsters and train them.
- You are the evil now! You can kill every human or monster you see. Kill a complete city!
- Choice your own way to become… To take your revenge.
- With 6 Mini Games, playable in the Main Menu and Adventure.
- A Main Menu with Adventure Mode, Battle Mode, Party Mode, Special Mode and L.J Ware Mode.
- Unlock new characters, stages, songs, mini games and games mode for your Main Menu.

Characters:

Spoiler

Deff
Deff hates love. He is a survivor and have no feelings. Is that really true?
Story: When he was a young boy, he runs away from his father. A stange old lady told him that he was a special Mage. He could be a strong Mage if he want. Deff trains himself to a strong Mage. He kills his own father. It feels great, so he kills more people. Deff want his revenge to Twell. But what about this old strange lady?

Din
Din looks like Deff, but Din is a real pure evil character.
Story: Din is a ghost, he is a ghost in Twell but in the Dark World he is normal. The Dark World is his home but the Dark World is closed. He needs the four Spirits to open the Dark World but how do he get them? He is just a ghost.

Screenshots:

Spoiler

 

[Sechs]

Well, I can't really comment on anything.
Everything save the story says "Coming Soon".
You ought to improve how your story section is written.
For example, "After 100 years is the biggest evil back, as he promised but the hero from 100 years ago died..." makes no sense.
I am not trying to be harsh, but I want to help you out~ ^_^;;

 

[LuxesR]

Well, I can't really comment on anything.
Everything save the story says "Coming Soon".
You ought to improve how your story section is written.
For example, "After 100 years is the biggest evil back, as he promised but the hero from 100 years ago died..." makes no sense.
I am not trying to be harsh, but I want to help you out~ ^_^;;

Better?

 

[Fen]

Here, I've done some grammar corrections/re-written a bit on your story ^^
It makes more sense to me and seems more grammatically correct

Spoiler

After one hundred years, the darkest evil in the world, Deff, has returned, just as he swore to do after the hero defeated him all that time ago. The hero is dead but he leaves in his stead a grandson, Luck. Can Luck stop him before he uses the four Spirits of Twell to destory the whole world? But what kind of creature is Deff? Does he really want to destory Twell, and why? Luck, only a young boy and the only survivor after Deff destroys his village, is left no choice but to be the new hero. He will have to team-up with a variety of people to make sure that Twell is saved.

I haven't seen enough of this to actually make a judgement, but you're going to need to make sure your spelling and grammar are good when you write the dialogue.

I like the name of the hero, Luck

I also think that your story is extremely cliched. "Evil demon returns, the grandson of the hero must combat him, the grandson's village is destroyed before the opening of the first cutscene etc." but I think if you can pull it off right it will work.

Some suggestions:
-don't have Luck be all gung-ho about saving the world. Make him obviously reluctant so that his party members have to urge him to do things.
-If his family is destroyed, he could become darker and more about revenge and sort of an anti-hero instead of a typical hero.
-Make the whole legend of Deff more detailed, like what weapon the hero used, what powers, where, how long, the effects on the country etc.

I would suggest you to read those, but you don't need to incorporate them if you don't want to.

 

[LuxesR]

Here, I've done some grammar corrections/re-written a bit on your story ^^
It makes more sense to me and seems more grammatically correct

Spoiler

After one hundred years, the darkest evil in the world, Deff, has returned, just as he swore to do after the hero defeated him all that time ago. The hero is dead but he leaves in his stead a grandson, Luck. Can Luck stop him before he uses the four Spirits of Twell to destory the whole world? But what kind of creature is Deff? Does he really want to destory Twell, and why? Luck, only a young boy and the only survivor after Deff destroys his village, is left no choice but to be the new hero. He will have to team-up with a variety of people to make sure that Twell is saved.

Thank you! I've change it a little bit but this is way better. Can you look to the Dark Version too?

I also think that your story is extremely cliched. "Evil demon returns, the grandson of the hero must combat him, the grandson's village is destroyed before the opening of the first cutscene etc." but I think if you can pull it off right it will work.

Some suggestions:
-don't have Luck be all gung-ho about saving the world. Make him obviously reluctant so that his party members have to urge him to do things.
-If his family is destroyed, he could become darker and more about revenge and sort of an anti-hero instead of a typical hero.
-Make the whole legend of Deff more detailed, like what weapon the hero used, what powers, where, how long, the effects on the country etc.

I would suggest you to read those, but you don't need to incorporate them if you don't want to.

I know it's cliché but Twell: LIGHT VERSION is only the beginning. A start for the Twell story. The first char is Luck, second Keen, third Shanon and at last Henry. They have their own reason to defeat Deff but still. It's cliché. Except for Twell: DARK VERSION. In Twell: DARK VERSION you playing as Deff himself. You play the story from 100 years ago. You'll see more about him so he is not a normal enemy who wants to have his revenge.

Twell: LIGHT VERSION is cliché but that's because the story was made 2 years ago.

And don't worry about my horrible English. The text into the game will be checked by persons who can write the English language better.

And one more thing, if you look to the logo's from Twell: LIGHT VERSION and Twell: DARK VERSION, you'll see Luck in the background from Twell: LIGHT VERSION and Deff in the background from Twell: DARK VERSION. That was the idea of the logo's.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

I'll post what I posted in your other thread.

Posting "Comming soon" for the majority of your topic isn't gonna cut it. You need to update your topic with the minimum required things to have in your thread, as outlined in the rules. I don't get why you'd even make a thread when you don't even have your information prepared yet-it's not like there's a benefit to having the first thread with the title "Twell: LIGHT VERSION".

 

[LuxesR]

I'll post what I posted in your other thread.

Posting "Comming soon" for the majority of your topic isn't gonna cut it. You need to update your topic with the minimum required things to have in your thread, as outlined in the rules. I don't get why you'd even make a thread when you don't even have your information prepared yet-it's not like there's a benefit to having the first thread with the title "Twell: LIGHT VERSION".

Sorry, I didn't knew. I post the games again when I have the first screenshots.

But I don't know how to delete them. XD

 

[LuxesR]

Oké! Here it is! The first screen!

 

[Tachiba]

DUde this dosen't cut it still. We can't get hyped up about your game or even give you pointers without something. The story, barely there, is lackiing. Your characters...only 2 mentioned. The About section coming soon. Dude you haven't even told us the features.

Put all hat up and then you'll see yourself with more comments.

BTW, The secreenshots from this thread and your other one are one and the same except with different character graphics.

 

[Skyla Doragono]

All right, here's the deal.

For one, you only get one topic here, since there seems to be hardly any difference between your two games other than characters, at least at first glance. Your other topic has already been locked.

For another, you need to read the rules of this forum before making a post. You need more information other than "coming soon". This topic is going to be locked until you can fill in the information that you're missing; you can PM a moderator to have it unlocked.


EDIT: Unlocked for information update.

 

[LuxesR]

Everything you wanna know about both games are now on post 1.

Please comment!

 

[Love]

Alright. I just read the two stories of both your light and dark version. Let me comment and give my opinions.

The story...well, is very cliched. The "hero defeats big evil, big evil comes back, grandson has to kill him" story is very typical. But if you get the right track and add interesting twists to it, it might work. Just don't let the story be limited to that or people might get bored soon. Try adding more to the story while in-game so that player won't be completely focusing on the base of the story.

Your spelling and grammar also need some work. You were writing using the present tense in your character descriptions' stories which doesn't really work when talking about the background and what had happened to them in the past. Try editing it and rewriting it in the past tense.

Also, there were some typos and mistakes here and there in grammar. For instance, "Luck is the main character, he is a normal person, he don’t give anything about girls and thinks only about the death of his mother." should be "Luck is the main character. He is a normal person who doesn't give anything about girls and thinks only about the death of his mother."

There were parts that really confused me in the characters. So Luck's village was put on fire because of Deff and his mother was killed, and now he seeks revenge. Good. But Keen's description confused me. So when did that guy meet Luck? Before or after the fire? It wasn't so clear to me in that point. And when did a "strange lady" tell him of his powers as a mage?

Ahh Shanon. I think you somewhat didn't pay much attention to the girl's background. When did she meet Luck? When she needed help. What kind of help? How did she meet him? When? Where? What was the reason that made her fall in love with Luck? His bravery, handsomeness, or what? You lack that point. And where did that girl come from? Where are her parents, her family? Or did she come from the same village as Luck?

And Henry. The guy looks tough and all but where is his family as well? Where did he come from? How did meet up with Luck? How? When? Where?

And overall, you really seem to have forgot some points in the characters. Like their ages, for example, and their likes and dislikes. You mentioned a little about their personality, but you should add more to that.

Also, your villain doesn't seem to me to be strong-developed. You say he was a young boy and some "strange lady" (is she the same lady that appeared for Keen as well?) said he would be a strong mage so he began training and he killed his father. But why? I mean, there are other things you can do to train other than killing your father, really! Did he hate his father? This is probably already mentioned in the darker version but you should keep in mind that those are two different things and one who would read that might not read this.

Also, little was hardly mentioned about the great hero who defeated Deff before, who is also Luck's grandfather. You can always add a little info about that, just to get an idea of what he was like and how did he meet up with Deff and killed him.

Lastly, your screenshot is not bad, and it seems that you have good mapping overall. But I can't really put much commenting from just one screenshot. Try adding more and then I may comment on them.

I also liked the idea of playing with a villain in a separate thing. Now on to comment on that darker version.

Also the story is just as cliche, the characters here seem to be a little better. I like the idea of making your own team of monsters, as it seems to be original. There isn't really much I can say here unless you update with more screenshots.

Okay, that's all. Good luck with this project. =)

 

[LuxesR]

Wouw Love! Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. I know that my English isn't good at all but I let someone else check my English into the game, so don't worry about that.

The story is cliché, but this is the beginning of the Twell story and I will make the gameplay and graphics good enough to let you play it.

I didn't gave all the informatie about the character because if I do, the texts where way to long and for some questions you need to play the game. For example. The old lady who told Deff and Keen about their Mage powers will be the same. So that means she lives more than 100 years. So she get a big roll into the game.

The grandfather of Luck was a normal boy at that time but it makes Deff give so many hate to Luck.

Keen and Luck where already friends. Like the first post says, he helps Luck for revenge about his village and to help his best friend. So they where already friends.

How Luck meets Shanon and Henry? Wich characters can you choose at the Main Menu? What are the game modes? How about the Twell world? How about the dungeons? How about more screens? I will give more updates later this year.

What do you think actually about the logo's?

 

[Love]

Hehe no problem. But I think that if you won't mention anything about certain characters, it's better not to mention them at all and keep them to the game.

The logos are quite good although you might try shrinking down them a bit. ^^

 

[LuxesR]

Update

Here it is! The first update for Twell: LIGHT VERSION and Twell: DARK VERSION. It's all about the world of Twell that spends my time. So that made this update perfect for the World of Twell.

• There are four mountains into the world of Twell. Luck, Keen and Shanon lives into the forest mountain, (Upper left) there is a ice mountain, (Upper right) there is a volcano mountain (Down left) and where Henry lives is the castle mountain. (Down right) Each mountain protects their own Spirit. If all the Spirits on their place, the world of Twell will be saved but if all the Spirits are together, the Dark World will be open. If one person have all the Spirits inside of him, he will get the ultimate power. So Luck needs the four Spirits to kill Deff and Deff needs the four Spirit to open the Dark World.

Last but not least, a screen.

Spoiler: Twell: DARK VERSION

 

[Love]

Oh, I like this screenie! But I don't think that those birds actually fit there, it might be better if you use the doves.

And hmm, it looks like a cute game, not a dark game. lol

 

[LuxesR]

Oh, I like this screenie! But I don't think that those birds actually fit there, it might be better if you use the doves.

And hmm, it looks like a cute game, not a dark game. lol

Thanks for the tip.

The world of Twell isn't dark at all. Only the dungeons and the Dark World.

 

[EpE]

=D I like the Ligth version and dark version vectors ...

Keep up the good work ...

I would like to help .... but im making my own game witch had took over a year to make due to other things I do .... Immostly doing the whole script along with graphics at this moment before I make actual events and the game it self ... I am texting the autotitles ....

anyways ... the game looks like its going to have a great story line =D

 

[LuxesR]

=D I like the Ligth version and dark version vectors ...

Keep up the good work ...

I would like to help .... but im making my own game witch had took over a year to make due to other things I do .... Immostly doing the whole script along with graphics at this moment before I make actual events and the game it self ... I am texting the autotitles ....

anyways ... the game looks like its going to have a great story line =D

Thank you very much! I hope you like the game when it comes out.

 

[LuxesR]

Update

Here it is! The first update for Twell: LIGHT VERSION and Twell: DARK VERSION. There will be a Main Menu in Twell, just like Eling. But Twell give you a lot more. That makes this update the Main Menu.

• There are a few game modes but the posibility for each game mode makes the game a lot bigger. You can find Adventure Mode, Battle Mode, Party Mode, Special Mode and L.J Ware Mode. The first one is simple. Just play the adventure and walk into the world of Twell. Battle Mode gives you some extra challenges and lets you unlock new characters, game modes or stages. You can play all the mini games from Adventure Mode into Party Mode for extra possibilities. Play it and you will earn special money for the Main Menu. Special Mode lets you change the music for the Main Menu and shows you music and the credits. At last we have the L.J Ware Mode. With L.J Ware Mode you can buy new content for your game with special Main Menu money.
  
  This was the update for now. There will come more details about the Main Menu later this year.

Last but not least, a screen.

Spoiler: Twell: LIGHT VERSION