The Whitesword Maid - story development in progress.

[Celestia Whitesword]

Cheers, and well met, people!

I've been working on and off on a story called The Whitesword Maid. And I've re-wrote and re-booted the universe quite a bit over the years in quite a number of ways.

Of course, I now wish to do up the story of Celestia, RPG style! So, that's why I'm here. ^_^

Spoiler: Story stuff - updated!

Allrighty, three girls awaken in another world amidst a frozen fjord, seemingly like your average fantasy type world on the surface. But, the world is actually ruled by an advanced alien race in the guise of gods, replete with starships and the appropriately advanced equipment. The girls are told that their job is to presumably destroy a demon lord, whom is actually a rebel in violation of interstellar laws akin to Star Trek's Prime Directive.

As Heather and co. explore Midgarde, they eventually find that not all is at it seems, as they explore distant areas that seem more like space stations and starships, and encounter horrid atrocities against nature. Eventually, they find themselves to be pawns in interstellar intrigue as they fight their way through the world and hope to find their way home.

Spoiler: Meet the girls

Earth name: Heather Jackson
Valkyrie counterpart: Celestia Whitesword
Age: 18
Valkyrie class: Paladin
Bio/Appearance: Heather is your average teen. Straight A student. Was once a promising athlete, until a car accident crippled her. Since then, she has made but a partial recovery, and can walk with the aid of a cane. Is also a thoughtful, articulate speaker who considers her words carefully. Avid science fiction and fantasy fan. She has a casual, almost Bohemian style of dress, wears glasses. She has flowing long blonde hair, and blue eyes.

Earth name: Jamie Kirkpatrick
Valkyrie counterpart: Brunhildt Steelhammer
Age: 19
Valkyrie class: Templar
Bio/Appearance: Jamie is the resident jokester and tomboy, and tends to have a rather dark, morbid humour. Almost crude. A heavy metal fan, with dreams of becoming a musician. Of course, she also likes to talk about heavy metal - a lot! She also speaks in a valley girl-esque manner. Her softer side is seen when talking about her niece. She tend to wear dark "rocker" clothing, jeans and t-shirts, and has wavy auburn/reddish-brown hair that spills past her shoulders and green eyes.

Earth name: Emily Larkin
Valkyrie counterpart: Mordranna Starwand
Age: 16
Valkyrie class: Witch
Bio/Appearance: Emily is a shy, quiet girl in a very awkward stage of her life. Partly due to having originally been born as a boy named Eric, and is currently transistioning by way of hormone treatments, with surgery at some future date. She is the group's anime fan, and likes cute things. She tends to prefer a gothic lolita style of dress, and wears her dark brown hair in a flattering style that comes to her chin, and has brown eyes. Due to being in mid-transistion, she has an almost androgynous appearance, which she is extremely self-conscious about.

Spoiler: Meet Odin, the "Benevolent Lord"

On the surface, a wise and noble God. For over a century, he has watched over the world of Midgarde, a roughly medieval-like world, with a handful of more advanced cultures leaning towards almost Wild West. However, there are those not content with his rule among his kind, and feel that he is purposefully stagnating the development of Midgarde's natives. He brought the girls to the world after carefully studying the local lore, religion and beliefs of the natives, presenting them to the average Midgardian as legendary warrior maidens sent to right wrongs and destroy the "demon lord". However, are his motives any more just than that of the "demon lord"?

Spoiler: Surtur, rebellious "Demon Lord"

A rebel leader discontent with Odin's rule. His goal is to overthrow Odin, and rule Midgarde as he sees fit, and to usher in a new age for it's natives. However, his methods are extreme, and he is not above genetically altering the natives, transforming them into monstrous creatures, and even runs a black market that sells the alien tech to the natives. He also seeks to terraform Midgarde into a vast megaopolis-like space station.

Spoiler: Loki, Galactic Mercenary

A mercenary in the service of both Odin and Surtur, with no true allegiance to any faction. He might even assist Heather and co., so long as there's something in it for him.

Spoiler: Ragnarok!

The supposed "New Age" brought about on Midgarde? But is it for the good or ill or Midgarde?

At any rate, I'm wanting to have a good fantasy yarn in all this. Maybe a bit o' sci-fi, too. So anywho, I'll turn it over to you for critiques, comments, suggestions, and all that good stuff.

And yeah, bring on questions, too. Even if it's just the "What the heck were you smoking to come up with all that?!" variety. XD

Also, many thanks to all who've given critique and comments thus far! Keep it coming!

 

[Love]

Actually I liked your characters more than the story. Your story kinda reminded me of Magic Knights Rayearth (or maybe I am just way too fanatic lol) although in a nice way. It's a little cliched, but if you manage to fix that it might slip.

For the "how" they came into that world, I personally like the second and third choices. They sound a little new, especially the second one. XD (Game makers rock!)

My suggestion is to fix the story a little, and make it sound a little less-cliche. Right now, I think it's a little typical.

 

[blakependragon]

i'm only a little confused in that you're mixing modern day (game makers, and character descriptions) with fantasy/medieval ; valkyries, diabolical demon.
i guess if you go with the 2nd choice it makes sense. i guess i'm not a fan of modern getting sucked into a different world.
yeah, maybe they were working on a game and it opened a world to an alternate reality! i dunno... :blank:

 

[Zephyrsword]

I guess it is highly dependable on the aspiring atmosphere for the game. At that note, the first two choices have been used quite often in situations, ruling out the third:- note that the third situation is more fitting for a game with a dark, narcotic feel. The characters are even more well developed than the story, you could issue a few developments to the plot so what is cliche no longer is, for example, this demon of the universe is actually doing 'good' for the world, if that makes sense.

 

[Schism]

I have to agree with Love, that my first thought was "Hey, this sounds like Magic Knights Rayearth!" Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you drew inspiration from it, I'd just like to caution you to avoid following it too closely. This has the potential to be something really interesting, and I'd hate to see it get bogged down by something that's been done before. If you weren't inspired by Rayearth, then that's a heck of a coincidence! (And you should watch it, because you'd probably like it, hehe.) XD

The storyline you've presented here has a pretty generic Magical Girl feel to it. Not bad, but nothing fantastic, either. Typical defeat the Evil Demon Lord™ fare. You've only given us the bare bones of the plot, so I can't say whether it'll be good or not, but I think it has the potential to be something good as long as you're careful. Like most early projects, this has both the potential to be just another save the world RPG, or something innovative and interesting taken from a somewhat common premise. Only time will tell.

The characters is where this really shines. You've managed to interest me in these girls with only a few sentences each, and I'm the kind of gamer who is ALL about the characters. If you can make their individual stories (Heather's disability, Emily's confusion regarding her sexual identity, etc.) part of the story instead of interesting background, that opens up so many opportunities for character and plot development. You could really do something fantastic with those girls, I believe it.

And just my two cents on the 'getting there' ideas:

1) I like this, although it's probably the most "cliche" of the three. Although instead of near-death, I'd make it actual death, (which fits in with the mythological purpose of Valkyries quite well, actually.) but I'm morbid like that and I love that kind of stuff. XD This would be a good path to take if you're aiming for something dark and serious.

2) I'd only recommend this if you're planning on something more lighthearted and silly; this would be too hard to swallow in a largely serious game.

3) This...could work, but you'd have to find a good way of integrating that into the story. Why would an alien go to all the trouble of flying to Earth, kidnapping these particular girls out of billions, and carting them back to his home planet and promptly lying to them? It could be done, but it would take some careful plot-wrangling I think.

All in all, I like #1 the best, but like I said, it depends on the direction you want to take the game.

This project definitely has promise, and I'll be keeping an eye on it. :D

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Funny that you folks have mentioned MKR, as that's one of my primary influences. ^^;; But yes, with that said, I'd like to explore some avenues that MKR didn't. Though now we're at the question of "what"? Naturally, some degree of Norse and Arthurian lore is an influence.

Perhaps the demon lord could be a tragic character a la Darth Vader? Replete with a higher power pulling his strings? Or, perhaps, a mindset akin to the Prophets in Wild Arms 3?

Schism: I especially like your commentary. Very in-depth. For the getting started options, I've been weighing them quite a bit. The first is one I've considered for quite some time. Though I've been leaning towards the second here lately. The third option is a pretty recent thought, and could lend itself to a more sci-fi setting.

On that note, maybe the person that introduces them is actually an official of some sort of the world, posing as a king/god/wizard, and the beliefs of the world's common folk casts the three girls as legendary heroes, and the higher powers that be are using them for their own gain? And, I probably ran that sentence on pretty good! XD

 

[MCsephiroth13]

Heather is your average teen. Straight A student.

LOLWUT?

Anyway, I think your third idea of how they got there is most plausible. The second one seems retarded and the first one makes the game less believable because it's as if your universe is some make-believe world, which is not a good thing to give the player.

Also, when I first read the title of this thread, "Whitesword Maid", I thought of a maid who became a warrior, which I thought was so *bleep*ing kick-ass! But then you pretty much changed it all around and came up with some random Valkyrie business. It's still a cool idea, though, just not what I had expeced in this thread.

 

[Schism]

Hopefully I gave you something to chew on. I really like bouncing around the plot ball. XD

I'm all for the sympathetic villain. The kinds that are evil just for the sake of being evil are generally boring and two dimensional. The way I look at it is this: everyone has some form of motivation for what they do, and everyone has their own personal views on what is 'right'. Even demon lords. His motivation is very important. Why is he acting in such a fashion that he must be stopped? What does he hope to gain from these actions? From his perspective, are his actions a bad thing at all, or some stepping stone towards a 'greater good'? All things to consider. I've found that in many cases, having a well-developed antagonist is integral to properly plotting a story, even more so than a well-developed protagonist. The antagonist is often the driving force of the story, the rest of the characters simply reacting to events and situations stemming from his actions, even if they don't know it yet.

From what I've seen it seems like you're leaning towards a more serious storyline, and I'd just like to say again that I really don't thing the second option is the way to go if that's the case. Of course, it's your game, but I really just don't think such a goofy method is suited to a serious tone. And by serious I don't mean something with no humor or lightheartedness, just a plot that has a serious tone overall. (Of course, if you're shooting for something more comic in nature, then go for it, by all means.)

For the third option, that sounds perfectly viable. Maybe something a la Stargate, wherein there are people of human descent on this planet, with some sort of alien race ruling over them in the guise of gods or somesuch. That would explain why the aliens needed humans for their purpose, and not ones from the planet they rule. As for why these particular girls, anything could work, really. Maybe they're descendants of a particular bloodline, maybe they were chosen because of a physical resemblance to the legendary Valkyries, or anything else you can come up with.

Oh! On that note, I'm curious. Do you plan on actually implementing the Valkyrie's mythological purpose in some form? Maybe not spot on, but perhaps manifesting in some power related to death?

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Aye, that you did, schism. Gave lots of good food for thought.

As for the Harbinger of Death type valkyrie, not so much. Except maybe for a faction of the alien beings you describe that are working for the "demon lord". Perhaps his faction are actually in rebellion against the way the "gods" are running things, and have it be that the "gods" are perfectly content with keeping the peasants ignorant, as it were, and using the girls for their own means - basically, getting Heather and co. to do their dirty work for them. And passing off Heather and co.'s deeds off as being some manner or prophecy or holy judgement.

*lightbulb switches on!*

Hey! As for why they were specifically chosen, it could be that they have a certain gene that enables them to use magic and the like. And the aliens have a technology that somehow enabled them to determine that they possess said gene, and "unlock" the power by some means or therapy. And maybe a little bit of cunning on the alien's part, saying that they chose them specifically due to them having that "unlikely hero" quality, making them more sympathetic to the average Joe NPC and all that.

That could also prove pretty dramatic in the endgame scenario, where the aliens are all "But we did you a favour by doing all that!", and Heather and co. respond with "That's bull*CENSORED*! We're not pawns in your cosmic chess game!" Or Jamie, as she's more likely to curse. XD

 

[Schism]

They think they're the good guys, and turn out (unwittingly) to be the bad guys. Very fun. :D

My only concern is that if they don't have some sort of purpose or ability that ties in to the Valkyries of Norse myth, then there's no reason to call them Valkyries at all, aside from it just sounding cool. Something to think about.

Seems like you're well on your way to having a pretty sweet story on your hands. Good luck! d(' 'd)

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Yeah, I'm slightly concerned about that. And yeah, it does sound pretty nifty.

Don't know if you're familiar with Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki, but that kind of influenced the whole bit with valkyries. Unless I have the aliens/gods posing as the Norse ones.

Also, another thought that came to me is yet another alien faction. And they could be all about some laws akin to Star Trek's Prime Directive, and find that the "gods" are somehow interfering with the planet's development. Not sure how I'll make that work just yet, but it came to me earlier, and is at least something worth pondering. ^^;;

 

[Schism]

Is that a webcomic? Because if it's the one I'm thinking of, it's sort of poking fun at the magical girl genre, so I'm not sure you'd want to base it on that. XD I say go for the Norse god deal, because mythology is awesome, and if you don't wanna go straight up Einherjar, Valhalla, Ragnarok, etc, you can always just base certain elements around Norse mythology. Just give it that sort of feel so that having Valkyries isn't completely out in left field.

Or, if that's not at all what you want for the game, you could always change the name. XD

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Yeah, I remember reading that a long time ago. And yes, there are going to be some pretty loose Norse references, as well as some nods to Arthurian lore. Might even squeeze in some Egyptian. And yes, mythology, lore and legends are groovy like that!

The rationale there is along the lines of: the aliens studied Earth's assorted lore and legends, and Norse stuff generally fit a good number of themes they were going for, in respect to the "local" legends, lore and religion of the world they lord over.

Addendum: Admittedly, a good deal of my Norse knowledge comes from quite a few heavy metal lyrics. One particularly influential album is "Odin" by a band called Wizard. ^^;;

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

And, updates a go-go in OP!

 

[Schism]

Seems like your story development is moving right along, very nice! This strikes me as a much more interesting take on the story than what you started with, and integrates the Norse influences in a much more coherent manner. Now run with it! :D

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Seems like your story development is moving right along, very nice! This strikes me as a much more interesting take on the story than what you started with, and integrates the Norse influences in a much more coherent manner. Now run with it! :D

Many thanks!

Though of course, to give credit where due, I also have you to thank. You've given me a fresh perspective that has long been needed. As soon as you said "Stargate", I think that's the point where the gears in my mind really started to spin, with the alien lords and all.

Now, to get to work making them there maps, events and all that ...! XD I'm also looking forward to composing the music to it, too. Now, just gotta determine if XP or VX would be better suited for my needs ...

 

[Schism]

Aw, no problem, boss! Always happy to help. ^^

I vote XP, but I've only spent a grand total of fifteen minutes messing around with VX, so my opinion probably doesn't count on this one. XD

Anyhoo, I'm a passable spriter/artist/writer, so if you need a hand with anything, feel free to give me a holler.

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

*thumbs up* Thanks, dude! I'll be sure to do so. And, assuming I'll have regular access to music recording equipment, I'll have to see if I can contribute a tune or two for your cause. ^^

And yeah, for now, it's looking like XP is winning out. For now, mapping feels more intuitive on XP. I'm still wrapping my head around events and the like. Plus, it has that - for want of a better way to say as such - old style game feel. Still, I'll probably run both 'til my trial runs out, and hopefully, I'll be able to make an informed decision in that regard.

 

[Eriol Clowphengire]

Actually, this reminded me more of Strange Dawn and some bits of Magical Knight Rayearth and El Hazard.

"Save the world or go home? or Go home and your world will soon besieged" ~ if plausible.

 

[Celestia Whitesword]

Actually, this reminded me more of Strange Dawn and some bits of Magical Knight Rayearth and El Hazard.

"Save the world or go home? or Go home and your world will soon besieged" ~ if plausible.

Really? I know of Rayearth, but not the others. ^_^;; Do tell?