The Test

[moog]

how the fuck would anyone know that based on what you wrote

i assumed it was just a bad dream, which would make more sense

 

[Glitchfinder]

how the fuck would anyone know that based on what you wrote

i assumed it was just a bad dream, which would make more sense

To be honest, you're not. Not with the way I wrote it. With the way I wrote it, it's somewhat open to interpretation, which is why about half the people I show this to assume it was a dream while half assume she was awake, snapped, and died. The groundhog day styled loop is heavily implied, and is much more discernible if you assume she's dead rather than assuming she's asleep. Especially with the bit below:

"No!" She screamed. "Don't send me back! Don't make me do it again! Mom! Dad! Save me! Help me! This isn't how it should have been..." Then, she was silent.

I hate it break it to you, but I feel like your new revised paragraph is worse. Why? Well you are telling everything. You've lost touch with the “show don't tell” everything here is using the “to be” verbs. There's was and were all over the place which drag down good writing.

“The chirping of Ann's alarm peeled(1) open Ann's eyes.” Too much Ann. Be careful of repeating too many words too closely. I have this weird rule of trying not to repeat the same words in a paragraph if that's possible and uncommon words not on the same page. I am a huge lover of pronouns. I might over use them but here you can replace that first Ann very easily and it doesn't sound so redundant. You said you wanted to use “pop” or something like it. How about flash? “The chirping of the alarm flashed Ann's eyes open.” or “Ann's eyes flashed open from the chirping of the alarm.”

“She glanced out her window, where the sun was peeked above the houses across the street.” Better on the first half but you can just rip was out and make it better... I also never care for the possession too much how about: “She glanced out the window, watching the sun peek above the houses across the street.” I didn't alter your words too much but read the two of them. It's more forward and crisp. All verbs are active.

“The sky was filled with wispy puffs floating high above the town. There was a light breeze rustling the leaves of the neighbors' trees. Across her room, the books in her bookshelf were aligned perfectly and arranged alphabetically by author then title. Her desk was set with a sheet of paper, with a pencil sitting on top of it.” And now everything is told. Was and were... can use ANY verb to make them better. Some can be easily fixed like the first one. “was filled” just use “filled”. As long as your goal isn't to up the word count it's a useless word for no reason.


“Her eyes wandered to the calendar. The days were marked clearly and concisely, with "Test Results!" catching her eye. "We get our answers back today!" She thought. "Mom and dad will be so proud of me!"” The dialogue is worse. It seems more unusual word choice to be spoken. Anything I tell you about descriptive stuff don't carry over to dialogue. That's a whole new world.

Let me try my hand at the first paragraph. I'm going to show you good use of "to be" verbs as well.
Today was the day. This was it! Ann dove out of the bed before the alarm could even ring. She snatched her neatly folded clothes placed beside her bed, all in preparation for this day she waited so long for. She swung the window open and took in a deep breath of freshly cut grass and reveled in the feel of the warmth and cool breeze on her skin. "Today is already staring out awesome!" She thought. "I just know my test results are going to be great too! Mom and dad are going to be so happy!"
:p eh I am rust as hell but I guess it gives you an idea?

---

You can indeed exchange most of them to make it sound better, but "Her eyes attached to the calendar, resting on the words 'Test Results' etched in bold." sounds like a line from a melodramatic theater piece, not a short story that's supposed to be readable fluently... (or at least, that's what short stories are over here).

Attached is a simple word. ^^ But yeah some people are like wtf at my writing when I get too carried away. I incorporate a lot of poetry to my writing (as in the fluffy imagery) which is also most of my practice comes from. But normally I am very descriptive clipped. I only describe what is crucial to the story. You won't catch me describing settings unless it's critical. But that's just a matter of preference and style and I like minimalism.

Ann's eyes flashed open from the chirping of her alarm. She glanced out the window, where the sun peeked above the houses across the street. Wispy puffs floated high above the town, and a light breeze stirred the leaves of the neighbors' trees. Her room shined of meticulous care, with the books on her bookshelf aligned alphabetically by author then title, and with her desk set with a single sheet of paper and pencil. Her eyes wandered to the calendar. The days were marked clearly and concisely, and "Test Results!" caught her eye. "We get our test results back today!" She thought. "I just know I did a good job this time. Mom and dad will be so proud of my scores!"

Also, I hate to break it to you, but “She glanced out the window, watching the sun peek above the houses across the street.” was totally jarring to me because it breaks a fundamental rule of English, which is that it changes to a completely different tense mid-sentence. It wouldn't have been jarring to me at all if you had written “She glanced out the window, and watched the sun peek above the houses across the street.” I know, this is totally hypocritical of me, but I went through that story several times before I first posted it here, because I wanted to get rid of areas where I had done that myself.

As for "filled" versus "was filled", that "was" is not useless. Not at all. Filled implies that the clouds suddenly appeared while she was looking, while was filled implies they were already there. (For example, it's like saying the pitcher was filled with lemonade versus saying she filled the pitcher with lemonade)

 

[Ellie]

Also, I hate to break it to you, but “She glanced out the window, watching the sun peek above the houses across the street.” was totally jarring to me because it breaks a fundamental rule of English, which is that it changes to a completely different tense mid-sentence. It wouldn't have been jarring to me at all if you had written “She glanced out the window, and watched the sun peek above the houses across the street.” I know, this is totally hypocritical of me, but I went through that story several times before I first posted it here, because I wanted to get rid of areas where I had done that myself.

I don't think it changes tense as you think; it certainly sounds better -

Consider "She glanced out the window, while watching the sun peek"

(I am not suggesting adding the word while in there, but it shows that the word "watching" can be used in the past tense).

It's sortof like "she watchingly glanced", "she glanced to watch", rather than "she glanced having watched".


In fact perhaps that is a better alternative:

“She glanced out the window to watch the sun peek above houses across the street.”

Personally I also removed a "the" between above and houses, as the word the is used a lot in the same sentence. That's just suggestions though you don't have to listen to me o/c.

In fact I personally would write

“She glanced through the window to watch the sun peek it's head above houses across the street.”

 

[RavenTDA]

Also, I hate to break it to you, but “She glanced out the window, watching the sun peek above the houses across the street.” was totally jarring to me because it breaks a fundamental rule of English, which is that it changes to a completely different tense mid-sentence.

Um no it's not breaking English at all. It IS not the most usual way to write but you can write like that or I think a lot of my English papers in high school would have returned with globs of red ink. I forget the exact rules as to why it's okay but it goes along with what Wyatt said about the word "while" you can actually drop the word all together if I remember right. I know the comma is necessary there to keep it correct. But sentences like that are allowed. It might be considered a rule bender but not a breaker. There's published authors that have written like that as well (there was some chick I remember being compared to for that -ing type of writing in past tense but I forget her name), it's just not so common. But it's not breaking English rules at all.

As for "filled" versus "was filled", that "was" is not useless. Not at all. Filled implies that the clouds suddenly appeared while she was looking, while was filled implies they were already there. (For example, it's like saying the pitcher was filled with lemonade versus saying she filled the pitcher with lemonade)

If you want to know, using was + -ed verb is a change in tense. It's acceptable to do it but it's called something else. I'm talking about action verbs not how something is. Like "The girl had walked down the street." vs "The girl walked down the street." The word "had" can be removed. The sentence still makes sense but it's like the first one is extra past tense I guess? I forget the name of it. But making things with less words and making things active is more interesting and less telling and will help you in the long run.

EDIT:
Btw did you want me to do the rest? There's sometimes no sense in getting too hung up on a certain area...

 

[Ellie]

Playing with words here but how about:

The sky was filled with the wispy puffs of cumulus clouds, which floated high above the town.

A sky filled with clouds floated high above the town.

A cloud-filled sky floated high above the town.

Hmm.

 

[RavenTDA]

Wyatt that sounds like the sky is floating not the clouds. ^^

 

[Glitchfinder]

Raven, I really would appreciate it if you would go over the rest of it. You're offering real advice, and I realize my piece needs work. (Which is why I posted it here, rather than simply leaving it on DevArt) Also, did you take a look at the second time I reworked the first paragraph? It's in that last post that everyone's been quoting, but I'm not sure anyone noticed it.

 

[moog]

"No!" She screamed. "Don't send me back! Don't make me do it again! Mom! Dad! Save me! Help me! This isn't how it should have been..." Then, she was silent.

this is still incredibly vague.

 

[Ellie]

I like the idea of it being up to the reader to interpret, and if other people have got the groundhog day vibe from it then perhaps it's just us. I personally didn't get that though, I assumed she'd woken from a bad dream.

 

[RavenTDA]

Yeah I thought she woke up from a bad dream as well. I caught it started and ended the same but I thought it was just for fancy full-circleness as in it sounds nice rather than it actually being a repeat. Might want to drop more hints.

---
"Ann's eyes flashed open from the chirping of her alarm. She glanced out the window, where the sun peeked above the houses across the street." Good. This is better.

"Her room shined of meticulous care, with the books on her bookshelf aligned alphabetically by author then title, and with her desk set with a single sheet of paper and pencil." With, with, with. You're going to have to use something else to combine all that together because you can only really get away with it once, twice is really pushing it, but three times...Too much! I see you got rid of the first "with" or at least place it could be in the first part. It might be tricky to put it together without changing the structure of the sentence. How about... "Meticulous care shined the room, as the books on the shelf aligned alphabetically by author then title, just beside a single sheet of paper and pencil." The first part when placing "meticulous care" first it puts more emphasis on that. There's also tricks of placing a word last can also be the strongest word in the sentence (or the one hung on). But here placing it first makes it more unusual so the reader is going to think about that phrase more, which is what you want right?

"Her eyes wandered to the calendar. The days were marked clearly and concisely, and "Test Results!" caught her eye." Too much "eyes". You were speaking about eyes in the beginning of the paragraph so using it too much over and over like that can become something that sticks in the readers mind without something you really want to emphasize exactly. First one is easy to fix. Simple exchange "eyes" for "gaze". But now you can't use it again. While eyes is now far enough away from the first one if you can think of something else it might be better, but its now acceptable to leave it. You might be able to just drop "caught her eyes"... since the DAYS isn't something she'd really write on the calendar herself, which I think you're trying to say she's an ordinary perfect girl, and maybe not as much as everything around her. So how about "'Test Results!', marked clearly on today's date."

""We get our test results back today!" She thought. "I just know I did a good job this time. Mom and dad will be so proud of my scores!"" Dialogue is tricky. It's like something you really want to say out loud. I sometimes look a bit psycho when working on writing because I talk to myself at times during it. ^^ It's also sometimes good to read all of your writing out loud in general. But dialogue has to flow and sound natural but it's hard because you also have to fit it to the character. What bothers me about her first sentence is that she says "we" and "our". I know she's in the class but that feels unnatural or odd to me. I'd just change it to "I" and "my". The last sentence "my scores" is better as "me". Saying it so specifically seems weird to me as well I feel this is getting redundant as "test results" is the same thing as "scores".

-----

“Ann got up out of her bed, quickly making it and smoothing the covers.” Here's that adverb thing... anything that's describing a verb is basically telling you just come up with another verb. You can try “swinging the covers in place and smoothed the wrinkles away.” Because swing is a quick-relation verb. I also like how you are using the “-ed verb, -ing verb” thing that you were telling me is grammatically incorrect :p

“She got dressed, making certain that everything she had placed the night before was still in perfect condition before putting it on.” This action seems strange to me... what is she checking for? The fold of the clothes, the lack of stains or something wrong with the actual clothing?

“She headed down the stairs, and cooked herself some eggs and toast. She made certain that the eggs were the perfect consistency before she ate them.” I get you're trying to make it seem like a perfect morning but I think its usually obvious you're going to make the eggs to a good consistency. Maybe say more that she didn't burn them and they came out perfect and tasted good.

“Her mother and father had already left for their jobs, so she left on her own. She locked the door behind her, and double-checked to make sure the lock didn't stick again.” Some repetitive words here like “left and “locked/lock”. Is it important the lock doesn't stick? Why's that detail there. I feel like in short stories the little details like that are more important.

 

[Glitchfinder]

I also like how you are using the “-ed verb, -ing verb” thing that you were telling me is grammatically incorrect :p

“She got dressed, making certain that everything she had placed the night before was still in perfect condition before putting it on.” This action seems strange to me... what is she checking for? The fold of the clothes, the lack of stains or something wrong with the actual clothing?

“She headed down the stairs, and cooked herself some eggs and toast. She made certain that the eggs were the perfect consistency before she ate them.” I get you're trying to make it seem like a perfect morning but I think its usually obvious you're going to make the eggs to a good consistency. Maybe say more that she didn't burn them and they came out perfect and tasted good.

Is it important the lock doesn't stick? Why's that detail there. I feel like in short stories the little details like that are more important.

Well, as to the tense thing, I said it was hypocritical, didn't I? That being said, I was also being perfectly honest when I said I went over the story several times changing tenses and sentence structure before ever posting it here. Before that, the tenses were all over the place and the writing was archaic and stilted without actually being dated to an older timeframe.

As for the next few things, the ones you said didn't make sense to you, I'm going to try my hand at rewriting them too, since I obviously didn't make the intentions clear with the writing itself. I wasn't trying to say it was a perfect morning. Rather, I was trying to say that she was being too perfect. As in, rather than things coming out just right all on their own, she's forcing them to come out just right wherever possible, and just accepting the other nice things as a good sign.

As for the lock, it's supposed to be an early sign that she's not exactly where she should be. It's supposed to hint at obsessive/compulsive behaviors without actually stating something like "unlocking and relocking the door several times before continuing to school." As I keep saying, these details are all important, since they're all intended to convey meaning. One of the more obvious of those is the timing of the rain, since it would be extremely unusual for that to happen in real life.

Also, thank you for the time you're putting into helping me with this. I may disagree with you on certain points, but that is probably just a difference in personal writing style rather than a disagreement with you.

Ann's eyes flashed open from the chirping of her alarm. She glanced out the window, where the sun peeked above the houses across the street. Wispy puffs floated high above the town, and a light breeze stirred the leaves of the neighbors' trees. Her room shined of meticulous care, with the books on her bookshelf aligned alphabetically by author then title, and a single sheet of paper and pencil set in the center of the desk. Her eyes wandered to the calendar. The days were marked clearly and concisely, and "Test Results!" caught her attention. "I get my scores back today!" She thought. "I just know I did a good job this time. Mom and dad will be so proud of me!"

Ann got up out of her bed, swung the covers in place and smoothed the wrinkles away. She got dressed, and made certain that everything placed the night before was still free of creases and marks before she put them on. She headed down the stairs, and cooked herself some eggs and toast. She tested the eggs to ensure that they were the perfect consistency before she ate them. Her mother and father had already left for their jobs, so she went on her own. She locked the door behind her, and double-checked to make sure the deadbolt was in place.

 

[RavenTDA]

Next paragraph:

“Ann quickly made her way to her school, which was only a few blocks away.” Quickly made her way is kinda weak. She could run, sprint, or whichever else that she's going fast to get rid of that adverb. You could also try to get rid of the telling of the blocks are few away. Like “Ann sped through the few blocks between her home and the school.”

“She was the first one to class, as always.” Also very telling. You get into tell mode when you use “to-be” verbs. You can always avoid them pretty easy. “She arrived first to class as always”. You don't have to get rid of every single one but it's better to avoid them than have too much.

“Today, everyone seemed to be in a good mood, and her classes went without a hitch. Her friends were talkative, her lessons were easy, and even the bullies ignored her.” All very telling without showing. I guess you kinda want to speed through the day so this clips a lot of it. It feels bland to me though. I'm sure there's a way to fix this or perhaps not even mention it and get straight to the point.

“Finally, it was her last class, the class where she would see the results of that all-important test. The test that would make her parents so proud of her. The test that would make all the work she had put into this finally, finally pay off.” I like that you're using repetition. This is a good tool but I think it could use some sprucing here. It's alright but I feel something is missing here. I'm not sure if you're trying to convey urgency or maybe something else. The phrase “That all-important test” doesn't really catch me like I think it should, I think it might be the use of “that” instead of “the”. I also am wondering what's up with the final pay off? Here this makes me think she normally doesn't get good grades. This sounds to me more like someone that normally doesn't work so hard being excited about finally getting a good grade and I think you were saying she's always like this right?

---

Redo on second paragraph:

“She got dressed, and made certain that everything placed the night before was still free of creases and marks before she put them on.” You have before in here a lot you could remove the repetition by changing it from “the night before” to “last night”.

“She tested the eggs to ensure that they were the perfect consistency before she ate them.” I don't really like the consistency thing but I see you want to keep it. Only thing here that seems odd to me is that how do you test it? Normally when cooking eggs you just look at the consistency. If you’re making fried eggs (as in sunny side up) you're looking at it. If it's scrambled you're just tossing it until you see its no longer runny. Idk maybe I cook things different.

“Her mother and father had already left for their jobs, so she went on her own. She locked the door behind her, and double-checked to make sure the deadbolt was in place.” If you want her to be making sure she's doing everything perfect I think you need to give her more morning tasks to convey this. Things that SHE is doing. What confused me on the perfect morning thing was the weather, because that doesn't have to do with her. Maybe talk about her washing her hands to be sure she's rid of dirt (especially her scrubbing under her nails). This is an obsessive compulsive behavior if that's what you want to add to her (you don't have to say she washed many times but made sure she was clean). Also you can talk about her brushing every knot out of her hair, brushing her teeth and flossing every corner, making sure her homework is in place...etc.

EDIT:

Also, thank you for the time you're putting into helping me with this. I may disagree with you on certain points, but that is probably just a difference in personal writing style rather than a disagreement with you.

Ah no problem. Editing gives me a chance to enjoy writing and not be crippled by my perfectionism because then it's actually helpful XD! I don't expect you to follow my every bit of advice but I just got agitated when you told me my grammar was wrong. No harm done though.

If you're wondering about my writing, I studied it a LOT on my own when I was little girl (around 13). I don't read books very often and I think that's what makes my style kinda different, though I haven't really shown any of my stuff. ^^; I did though read a ton of how-to-write books. I couldn't get enough of them and rented a ton of them and read them for years to figure out what they were talking about. I don't think I've gotten too much better since I was 16 though. I haven't been practicing lately but around that time I got good by writing fanfiction (kinda lame I know), and also I wrote 75 pages of a terrible novel. I wanted to be a novelist but that dream eventually died and now I only write random poetry and help others out with their stuff. ^^