There's a couple of mistakes here and there (e.g. : little electonic bugging devices | I'm guessing you meant electronic?), but otherwise it's snazzy. Watch the commas too; you're a bit abusive there.
I think there was only one problem with verb tenses at the beginning, with the on-looker thing, but I might be wrong; I'm no sophist.
Otherwise, I like it. To add to the "odd" aspect, I suggest you pick out really weird metaphors and similes, or perhaps time and space discrepancies. Weird vocabulary too, for character dialogues? I 'unno.
I think there was only one problem with verb tenses at the beginning, with the on-looker thing, but I might be wrong; I'm no sophist.
Otherwise, I like it. To add to the "odd" aspect, I suggest you pick out really weird metaphors and similes, or perhaps time and space discrepancies. Weird vocabulary too, for character dialogues? I 'unno.