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The Curious Case of the Little Subway Grubber

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There's a couple of mistakes here and there (e.g. : little electonic bugging devices | I'm guessing you meant electronic?), but otherwise it's snazzy. Watch the commas too; you're a bit abusive there.

I think there was only one problem with verb tenses at the beginning, with the on-looker thing, but I might be wrong; I'm no sophist.

Otherwise, I like it. To add to the "odd" aspect, I suggest you pick out really weird metaphors and similes, or perhaps time and space discrepancies. Weird vocabulary too, for character dialogues? I 'unno.
 

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