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The Chronicles of the Middle School Pokemon

This is just a story I'm working on I would like feedback, suggestions and to be informed of something that makes no sense or is spelled wrong.

The Chronicles of the Middle School Pokemon
I remember when everything used to be normal. Don’t you remember when we were all just kids in middle school? Now what are we? What am I? Wait just a minute if you don’t know what’s going on, we should go back a bit.
We were all in the middle of a huge assembly when it happened. “Students take your seats please” said Ms.BlackBerry. Everyone in the auditorium sat down. “Now please stand up for the pledge” said Ms.BlackBerry. Robert sighed this was all very tedious to him. “Now everyone say it completely and fully” said Ms.BlackBerry. “I pledge allegiance to my flag and the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all” Everyone said in unity.
Robert was still standing up looking around in the distance he saw Victor and Erika talking. “I can’t wait to go to the white castle later today” said Victor making a triangle to symbolize a castle. “Who gives a shit about white castle” said Erika his girl friend. Erika was in a bitchy mood as usual. Robert was depressed the more he thought about it she stopped being his friend thanks too Victor the internet thug.
Just as Robert was about to sit down the ground started shaking. “Earth Quake” Jason yelled! Everyone started to panic. People were running around yelling and crying. “What’s going on” Robert asked Keeshawn? “I don’t know” said Keeshawn. Suddenly thousands of cracks appeared in the ground. The floor cracked into pieces and everyone fell in.
That’s how it started but now what’s going on. Where am I falling to? When Robert woke up he was in a grassy plain of some kind laying flat on his back. “Owww I felt like I just got shot with a bullet” Robert said struggling to stand on his feet. “Where am I” He wondered looking around?
On closer expectation he realized that it wasn’t anywhere he had been. “You are in the Bodom region or on closer inspection you’re in Janemba plains” said a weird looking animal. “Who are you” asked Robert? “Well me I am just a Slowpoke wandering this lonely plain. Slowpoke studied him carefully and then said “you look like a Piplup”. “Huh what’s a Piplup” asked Robert?
“Ah so you are one of the ones that fell out of the sky” Slowpoke said. “What do you mean, I don’t know what your talking about” said Robert. “Follow me” said the slowpoke. Without even looking to see if he was behind him he was on the move. He went forward for about 70 steps until he stopped into what looked like a mirror in the middle of the grassy floor.
“Look at yourself” said the Slowpoke. Slowly and cautiously Robert approached. He had played enough games to know that when someone told you to look in a mirror it was either to show you something or to take you somewhere. He moved on to the mirror and looked downward. He was in shock at what he saw. He had turned into some kind of blue penguin.
“HOLY CRAP” Robert yelled in shock! “Like I said before you’re a Piplup now follow me maybe you know the other one I found” said Slowpoke. “Hey Slowpoke where are we going, who’s the other one, how many fell from the sky” Robert asked confused by the chain of events? “So many questions and yet so few answers my young friend. I don’t know how many fell out of the sky. We are going to the town of Velvet and he’s unconscious so I don’t know his name. All I know is that he’s a Chimchar” said Slowpoke starting to move again.
TO BE CONTINUED…..
The Chronicles of the Middle School Pokemon Chapter 2
This was all highly unusual. Robert was still really confused as too what was going on. He had somehow turned into a penguin and gone into a completely different world. Could this have something to do with the earth quake he wondered to himself?
“How much longer Slowpoke I’m getting tired” said Robert yawning.
“Just a little bit further” said Slowpoke. After about five more minutes of walking slowpoke suddenly came to a stop.
“What” Robert asked?
“This rock that blocks our path it would seem like it would make a good test for you” said the slowpoke staring at Robert curiously. “Tackle it” said Slowpoke.
“What in the hell do you mean by tackle it why should I” asked Robert getting frustrated?
“JUST DO IT” the slowpoke yelled. It seemed like there was some power behind his words because Robert ran forward with all his might and tackled straight into it. For a moment nothing happened at all but then it shattered into pieces. “Good now we can continue” said the Slowpoke starting to move again. After another 30 minutes they arrived in front of a gate. On the side there was a placemat of some kind where you can put your foot. Slowpoke put his foot there and then the gate opened. They were inside of a colorful village full of flowers and trees. “This…….this is the town of Velvet” said Slowpoke continuing to move.
“Where are we going now” Robert asked the Slowpoke.
“To my house so you can see the Chimchar” said Slowpoke. Now they were in front of a house made out of sticks. Slowpoke took out a key and twisted it in the lock and moved inside. They saw a red monkey moving around. “So your finally awake” Slowpoke asked the monkey. He didn’t respond.
“Who’s this” Robert asked Slowpoke.
Slowpoke just moved out of the way and said “I’m going to go prepare some breakfast for the two of you”.
“He says I’m a Chimchar but my name is Jason” said the Chimchar.
“Really are you the Jason I know” Robert asked? One of his best friends was named Jason. He was in his school and was there when the earth quake happened. Was it possible that this was him?
“Do you remember a boy named Robert in your school” Robert asked.
“I don’t remember anything besides my name, I don’t remember a school or a Robert” said Jason.
“Danm” said Robert.
“You should get some rest Piplup” said Slowpoke.
“Why do you keep calling me Piplup my name is Robert” said Robert.
“You sure are hard headed boy aren’t you” said Slowpoke. “Listen this is the world of Pokemon which is basically a bunch of different kind of animals living together in a world of peace” said Slowpoke.
“I’m going to sleep” said Robert.
“You’ve had a hard day you should go to sleep” said Slowpoke. “Chimchar and I are going out for some training” said Slowpoke. For a minute Robert wanted to get up and go with them but once he laid down he blacked out. He was having a dream of some sort. There was a wood gecko and a blue turtle that were looking for him. They came across a white castle and went in. Once they went in they screamed just as when Robert was about to see what they saw he was awoken by a loud crashing noise.
A piece of the wall was falling down on him, he couldn’t do anything was this it? Suddenly a high speed tackle knocked it out of the way. It was Jason standing there with some bruises and scars. Robert looked out of the side of the wall and he could tell it was night outside he also smelled smoke.
“What’s going on” Robert asked Jason with a bit of worry in his voice.
“The village is under attack by Houndour now get moving we need to run” said Jason.
TO BE CONTINUED……
 
Ummmm.... ooooookay. :| I suppose it's okay for your age, although I'm not sure it's the sort of story that suits plain text.

I took the liberty of adding some proper paragraphs - I couldn't read the blocked text above very well. Each new speaker gets a new paragraph, you know? I'll reproduce it below:

I remember when everything used to be normal. Don’t you remember when we were all just kids in middle school? Now what are we? What am I? Wait just a minute if you don’t know what’s going on, we should go back a bit.
We were all in the middle of a huge assembly when it happened.
“Students take your seats please” said Ms. BlackBerry. Everyone in the auditorium sat down.
“Now please stand up for the pledge” said Ms. BlackBerry. Robert sighed this was all very tedious to him.
“Now everyone say it completely and fully” said Ms. BlackBerry. “I pledge allegiance to my flag and the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all.” Everyone said in unity.
Robert was still standing up looking around when in the distance he saw Victor and Erika talking.
“I can’t wait to go to the white castle later today” said Victor making a triangle to symbolize a castle.
“Who gives a shit about white castle” said Erika his girl friend. Erika was in a bitchy mood as usual. Robert was depressed the more he thought about it she stopped being his friend thanks too Victor the internet thug. Just as Robert was about to sit down the ground started shaking.
“Earthquake” Jason yelled! Everyone started to panic. People were running around yelling and crying.
“What’s going on” Robert asked Keeshawn?
“I don’t know” said Keeshawn. Suddenly thousands of cracks appeared in the ground. The floor cracked into pieces and everyone fell in.
That’s how it started but now what’s going on. Where am I falling to? When Robert woke up he was in a grassy plain of some kind laying flat on his back.
“Owww I felt like I just got shot with a bullet” Robert said struggling to stand on his feet.
“Where am I” He wondered looking around and on closer expectation he realized that it wasn’t anywhere he had been.
“You are in the Bodom region or on closer inspection you’re in Janemba plains” said a weird looking animal.
“Who are you” asked Robert?
“Well me I am just a Slowpoke wandering this lonely plain." Slowpoke studied him carefully and then spoke
“You look like a Piplup”.
“Huh? What’s a Piplup” asked Robert.
“Ah so you are one of the ones that fell out of the sky” Slowpoke said.
“What do you mean, I don’t know what your talking about” said Robert.
“Follow me” said the slowpoke. Without even looking to see if he was behind him he was on the move. He went forward for about 70 steps until he stopped into what looked like a mirror in the middle of the grassy floor.
“Look at yourself” said the Slowpoke. Slowly and cautiously Robert approached. He had played enough games to know that when someone told you to look in a mirror it was either to show you something or to take you somewhere. He moved on to the mirror and looked downward. He was in shock at what he saw. He had turned into some kind of blue penguin.
“HOLY CRAP” Robert yelled in shock!
“Like I said before you’re a Piplup now follow me maybe you know the other one I found” said Slowpoke.
“Hey Slowpoke where are we going, who’s the other one, how many fell from the sky” Robert asked confused by the chain of events?
“So many questions and yet so few answers my young friend. I don’t know how many fell out of the sky. We are going to the town of Velvet and he’s unconscious so I don’t know his name. All I know is that he’s a Chimchar” said Slowpoke starting to move again.
 
Thank you very much and I actually didn't know that each new speaker got a new paragraph. BTW whats wrong you don't like Pokemon or something lol? Also in a book do you also have to write it like that?
 

candle

Sponsor

All in all, I think it is fairly decent. You have a good understanding of sentence structure, spelling, and grammar, but like Incognitus said, you need to work a bit on your formatting. I would also rewrite much of the dialogue, if I were you, to make it feel more natural. Work on your characterization, too. Remember that slopokes are very slow and languid.

I never chide someone on writing fanfiction, as I think it is a very good way to get young or new authors interested in writing. Hell, I would have never seriously considered writing if it weren't for Harry Potter. Still, you should try to stay away from many of the pitfalls of fanfiction which include, but are not limited to, cliches, marry sues, continuity errors, and universe inaccuracies.
 
Everyone thank you with the feedback and I'm glad you guys like it. While I will work on formatting and editing the dialogue in chapter one I will make sure too post chapter 2 very soon. Although it will be in a new thread titled The Chronicles of the middle school Pokemon chapter 2.
Dada Legit!":3pz671f4 said:
is your name robert by any chance
.......who r u and how do you know my name?
 

candle

Sponsor

gettogaara":11y1t54s said:
Everyone thank you with the feedback and I'm glad you guys like it. While I will work on formatting and editing the dialogue in chapter one I will make sure too post chapter 2 very soon. Although it will be in a new thread titled The Chronicles of the middle school Pokemon chapter 2.

There is no reason to post a separate thread for the new chapter. Simply edit your original post to add it in and the bump the topic letting people know about the update.
 
Srry if its not in good format but I was really just concerned about the story more then anything this time. If someone would like too reproduce it as Incognitus did with the 1st one they are welcome to do so.

The Chronicles of the Middle School Pokemon Chapter 2
This was all highly unusual. Robert was still really confused as too what was going on. He had somehow turned into a penguin and gone into a completely different world. Could this have something to do with the earth quake he wondered to himself? “How much longer Slowpoke I’m getting tired” said Robert yawning. “Just a little bit further” said Slowpoke. After about five more minutes of walking slowpoke suddenly came to a stop.
“What” Robert asked? “This rock that blocks our path it would seem like it would make a good test for you” said the slowpoke staring at Robert curiously. “Tackle it” said Slowpoke. “What in the hell do you mean by tackle it why should I” asked Robert getting frustrated? “JUST DO IT” the slowpoke yelled. It seemed like there were so power behind his words because Robert ran forward with all his might and tackled straight into it.
For a moment nothing happened at all but then it shattered into pieces. “Good now we can continue” said the Slowpoke starting to move again. After another 30 minutes they arrived in front of a gate. On the side there was a placemat of some kind where you can put your foot. Slowpoke put his foot there and then the gate opened. They were inside of a colorful village full of flowers and trees. “This…….this is the town of Velvet” said Slowpoke continuing to move.
“Where are we going now” Robert asked the Slowpoke. “To my house so you can see the Chimchar” said Slowpoke. Now they were in front of a house made out of sticks. Slowpoke took out a key and twisted it in the lock and moved inside. They saw a red monkey moving around. “So your finally awake” Slowpoke asked the monkey. He didn’t respond. “Who the hell is this” Robert asked Slowpoke.
Slowpoke just moved out of the way and said “I’m going to go prepare some breakfast for the two of you”. “He says I’m a Chimchar but my name is Jason” said the Chimchar. “Really are you the Jason I know” Robert asked? One of his best friends was Jason who was in his school and was there when the earth quake happened. Was it possible that this was him? “Do you remember a boy named Robert in your school” Robert asked.
“I don’t remember anything besides my name, I don’t remember a school or a Robert” said Jason. “Danm” said Robert. “You should get some rest Piplup” said Slowpoke. “Why do you keep calling me Piplup my name is Robert” said Robert. “You sure are hard headed boy aren’t you” said Slowpoke. “Listen this is the world of Pokemon which is basically a bunch of different kind of animals living together in a world of peace” said Slowpoke.
“I’m going to sleep” said Robert. “You’ve had a hard day you should go to sleep” said Slowpoke. “Me and Chimchar here are going out for some training” said Slowpoke. Once Robert laid down he blacked out. He was having a dream of some sort. There was a wood gecko and a blue turtle that were looking for him. They came across a white castle and went in. Once they went in they screamed just as when Robert was about to see what they saw he was awoken by a loud crashing noise.
A piece of the wall was falling down on him. A very quick tackle tackled it out of the way. It was Jason standing there with some bruises and scars. Robert looked out of the side of the wall and he could tell it was night outside he also smelled smoke. “What’s going on” Robert asked Jason with a bit of worry in his voice. “The village is under attack by Houndour now get moving we need to run” said Jason.
TO BE CONTINUED……

hanekoma-san":3iaaxeml said:
.......who r u and how do you know my name?
the story sounded like a total self-insertion fantasy so I made a guess that you based the main character on yourself. ain't no thing.
phew you got me scared there. I totally forgot I put my name in it lol. btw it gets more about some of the other chars later in the story.
 

candle

Sponsor

I'm sorry, but you really need to stop being lazy and format your writing properly. It is really hard to read as-is, and not many people will consistently redo it for you. Also, what did i tell you about posting new chapters? there is no maximum character limit, so just keep adding to the original post, putting each new chapter into it's own spoiler. Other than that, I can't say anything else since your story is unreadable right now.
 
Well I edited it myself and merged it with the 1st post but just wondering how you can rename the spoiler like the one in your Sig says beta readers wanted. I'm wondering cause I want to rename context hidden into chapter 2.
 

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