Story for my game

[RnLGG]

Okay so I am making an ABS and this is the story. (I'm 13 if that makes a difference) This game isn't for the story but more for the game play.

The game is called "Curse's Flaw" a demo is going to be out soon.

Charecters:

Cyrus
Age: 18
Birthplace: Manor

Felix
Age: 51
Birthplace: (I don't know just yet! :crazy: )

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So it all starts in the small village of Manor. Cyrus trains daily with his teacher Felix. But lately many strange things have been going on with the environment. Earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, and so on. There has been an increase in monsters as well. Cyrus was late for training again as he usually was. He went to the forest to begin his training with Felix. (This is a tutorial) When they finished they hear a scream from the village. They run to the village to find a person being attacked by a wasp. (They are huge in that world) Cyrus kills the wasp. Just as Felix is congratulating him there is another earthquake. Felix is beginning to think that the legend is true. They go to Cyrus' house for Felix to explain. It was said that every 10 million years that a curse placed on the elemental gods will weaken. If the curse is completely gone, the gods would be able to use all their power which would eventually destroy the world. A ring was to be used to renew the curse placed on the crystal in each god's lair. Cyrus' ancestors were the last to do this. The ring was passed down through the family. Felix kept the ring in case they would ever need it. Felix heard from scouts protrolling the island that the earthquakes seemed to be strongest in the Coloman mountains. They decide to go look there. They find the temple of earth. (then it is a dungen) They go inside the cave and find the crystal. The god of earth appears and tries to stop you. (boss) You defeat him and go to the crystal. (He can't die because he is immortal just in case you didn't know) He chases you to the crystal and tries to stop you once more. He begs you to stop in vein. You renew the curse to trap him once again.

That is all I am going to say. There are more parts of the story which are more in depth than the main plot. (Not as predictable as this) Tell me if this is okay!

I quickly added these to my site.

http://9voltwiseman.webs.com/apps/forums/topics/show/736461-curse-s-flaw-pics

 

[dadevvtsvre]

I'm really late getting to this :x

So yeah, it's a good idea to beef up this thread with screenshots actually in the thread itself instead of the screens being linked to another site.

Your story right now is a giant wall o' text and it'd be much more convenient for all of us if it was broken down into easier reading

Why are you using the default names that came with the characters on RMXP? It's a bad idea to do this-it gives the impression of a lack of effort and generally when people see this it turns them off from checking out the rest immediately.

 

[moog]

this sounds like final fantasy iv and lotr getting drunk and making sweet love in the back of a chevy.

The plot is the EPITOME of jrpg, if that means anything. Like, I didnt even check anything else out because the story was so generic and obvious. Try to aim for more originality, that or make beastly gameplay.

 

[RnLGG]

hey thanks for someone to finally comment. I just picked random names because you name the charecters in the game. (I should have mentioned that...) I tried to get the pics on this site but I couldent somehow. I'm gonna make a new thread later with a demo and newer pics. I have a newer script so I need to update the pics. (Next week or something) This part of the story is basicly for the dungens. Still coming up with it but the acuall story but it is gonna be alot better.

Also, this game uses Blizz ABS if you know it. It's really good.

 

[Fireworksinc]

I can't decide whether its cliche (sorry, can't be asked to find accent) or not. And you have kind of summarised the entire story here. I doubt anyone will play it if they know exactly how it's going to pan out (well, I won't).

Cliches:
- Young irresponsible boy being trained.
- Young irresponsible boy ends up the chosen one (usually down to ancestry).
- 10 million year curse.
- One ring (more LOTR than a cliche, I guess).
- Goal is a crystal inside of a temple.
- Enemies of immense power will destroy the Earth.

Non-cliche:
- Elemental Gods.

It sounded cliche at first, but I haven't really heard of them before. You could get rid of the cliches and keep the Gods, which seem to be the main part of the story anyway. And if you name the character in the game, just replace 'Cyrus' with 'You'.
Hope this helps.

 

[RnLGG]

You name the guy I just used Cyrus. I know I went overboard with all that. Help me out with the story here. I'm 13 I need your guy's opinion please. I can make that guy older if you want... :blank:

 

[ebhz.Ash.4rm]

Non-cliche:
- Elemental Gods.

How are elemental God's not cliché? They're in the RTP.

Not taking into account that you're 13 (you really should stop mentioning your age, after dreamland I don't think it can be taken as an excuse for rushed work) the story is sub par in all aspects and is highly cliché in all areas. I think you really shouldn't leave the names of your main characters up in the air, I mean say someone just for the sake of spoiling things calls them Shit, Fuck, Piss and Balls it would kinda spoil any atmosphere or seriousness.

Your story needs more than a series of early events, work out a back story to characters and also the world because if you don't have a stable setting then getting a working plot and believable characters falls flat. Also don't care about being cliché all you need is polish and some engaging gameplay and you'll be fine, as it is your story can't be rated anyhow, it's not complete.

 

[RnLGG]

Thanks ebhz.Ash.4rm, all I have really worked on so far is the gameplay, which I think is really good. I am beginning to work on the story now and I am open to any suggestions.

 

[Triforce]

No offense dude, but this seems really cliche`.

This thread is a couple months old and this is considered necroposting, so I'll lock it for now. If the thread creator would like it to be reopened he can PM me and I'll do so. Please check the dates next time you post, thanks!
~Dadevster