Retribution: Prologue - Now formatted better.

[Branden]

Canceled this awful book.  :thumb:

 

[Stardust]

The most annoying thing that jumped out was "and speaking of which..."  This implies that it was a kind of afterthought when it really shouldn't be.  The other thing that I noticed is that you change how it flows a couple of times.  It starts out really smooth, but then you added "all hell breaks loose," then, after the "and speaking of which" it seems to revert back to the original flow.  It almost seems like you're switching characters or attitudes.  You need to find a consistent flow.  He either has to be the angel type or the criminal type because it looks strange when he's both.  You also used " too much and it made it difficult to read at times.  However, it's a very interesting prologue and it would certainly catch my attention.

 

[Despain]

wall of text i can't read that. format it better.

 

[moog]

wall of text i can't read that. format it better.

Was just about to say that.

please add some spacing or something!

 

[Surmuck]

Yay writing forum topic!
Begin

“I used to be an angel. What a life that was… Especially when your God has forsaken you.
Just imagine it. One day you’re doing what god has asked of you, and then all hell breaks
loose.

The over-usage of god in the first two lines makes me cringe a little. Just doesn't sound good. 'All hell breaks loose' is an overly used phrase too, and thus eliminates some of your personal voice in the piece.

You see, I have done things I am not particularly proud of

Once again, a line too many writers have used - and is thus, almost meaningless at this point. Spice up your sentences.

Un-holy things are what you might call them.

Better.

I’ve lived what some of you might call a “double life.â€