Rate it and give Sugestions Please

[Zander]

Hi guys, this is my first post so if i get something wrong just correct me, ( I've tried to look over the rules  :thumb: )

   So, I was wondering if This is a good start or not, any sugestions would be nice:
       
         The screen would start out black and have a faceset of a older man telling a younger boy that he has been his best student in years. The screen would fade in and show ( with animation ) them sparing and the boy getting the best of the older man. As he gets pushed back the older man would start comeing at him harder and subdue the younger boy. The older man would laugh and tell him about what he did wrong and that they were done for the day. The player would have time to search the village and enteract with the NPC's.
         After some side quest ( which would be optional ) the player would be able to talk to a NPC and meet the older man by a stream ( The player would meet his/ her ( depending on the gender he or she choses ) brother or sister while in the village ). He would there tell the children that they were not from the village but from....   

           That is enough for now, but could you rate it from 1 out of 10 like this -   5/10 being OK

                        Thanks ( helpful critisim is welcome  but try not to crush my hopes and dreams  :crazy: )


This is a first attempt so if i need to scratch it and try again just say so

 

[Xaixis]

Seems solid, I can see it working out well if you apply good mapping and well-planned conversations.

I like it ^.^ ~ 8/10

The only thing I would change is the "your not really from this village, you are actually..." because it is very cliche. Not to say cliche is bad, but maybe you can figure out another way, another, more surprising way.

Just my 2¢

 

[Zander]

Thanks, that was a crazy fast reply lol  :crazy:

by the way should this be moved to feedback?

Im kinda new to to makeing a story line, say they were elfs ( just as an example ) what would be a good way to work it in? just to further my little known knoweldge XD

 

[mawk]

No; feedback is for comments and issues regarding the forum or staff, not RPG Maker stuff. I think that this works pretty well here.

The intro seems awfully generic, but it would serve its purpose well enough. There's really not that much to say about it, though. Just keep in mind that the best intros will set the tone without making the player wait ten minutes before he can actually do stuff -- that's what's most important.

 

[Zander]

So to put in simple terms for me I just don't need to go overboard with the intro  :huh:

(Edit) ok lets see if this is better... scratch the idea that they were from a diffrent culture. What if after the player searched the village and followed some quests troops would abruptly barg in and tell the chief of the village that the king ordered for younge men and wemon to be taken to the castle for recruiting into the army?                                                                                                                                                          yes, no, better, worse?

 

[mawk]

Yeah. For instance, a lot of people make the mistake of filling their intros with the world's history and stuff like that, when really they could leave it to the player to learn ingame by talking to NPCs. You shouldn't hold yourself to a time limit or anything like that, but just watch out for when it starts to feel unnecessarily long-winded.

 

[Zander]

Ahhhh,   makes sense now, when i play games i like when the story and player relationships unfold right before your eyes, Thanks that helps alot  :straightthumb:

            This is my first game so i don't expect it to be great but im hopeing w/ trial and error i can learn.