***Random poems****

[serrated_colon]

This is an attempt to cure my lack of inspiration, which has been going on for months:


We are the fallen.
The composed, the artist - the scripted;
yet we yield nothing in our gains.

You study what we do,
and become our art.
You'll not reap what
you sow.

Funds are down, you
become the best! -
It'll not be as malleable
as music, graphics.
Money does not become you!
Names will be forgotten as
soon as the People leave.

We are the fallen.
As good as a Real-time Transport Protocol.

 

[Surmuck]

Ooh, I like this. I like this indeed .

First verse starts strong, but the last sentence yields what feels a lower quality. Beginnings are my pet peeve, so I'll say your on the right track with this one; and even though that final sentence could use improving it definetley didn't throw me off the rest of the poem.

In the second verse I feel kind of an awkward transition, because you go from talking about 'we' to 'you'; and you say 'you'll not reap what you sow' - which was said in line three. This is where the awkwardness stems, I think; because your saying the same thing but it seems like it's for two seperate identities. Different ways to say the same thing almost always give an awkward feel unless you use them intentionally.

Third verse. I love the third verse, and the only line I can tell you to look at again is #9, but even thats okay. It's how this verse effects the feel of the last one that you might go and edit - because you give this strong 'height of the poem' feel; and then you end it just like that. It was like watching a tsunami roar to its height, and then suddenly die off into the tide. I can suggest you either put a verse in between these two, or make the final one four or five lines so the end isn't so abrupt.

Overall though, great job.

 

[bradleydfc]

It was like watching a tsunami roar to its height, and then suddenly die off into the tide. I can suggest you either put a verse in between these two, or make the final one four or five lines so the end isn't so abrupt.

Really? I loved the ending. It's kinda like an anti-climax. Like what I had with your mom last night.
But seriously, its so much of an anti-climax, it actually makes it great because the thoughts are still in your head.
Great poem btw.

 

[Surmuck]

It was like watching a tsunami roar to its height, and then suddenly die off into the tide. I can suggest you either put a verse in between these two, or make the final one four or five lines so the end isn't so abrupt.

Really? I loved the ending. It's kinda like an anti-climax. Like what I had with your mom last night.
But seriously, its so much of an anti-climax, it actually makes it great because the thoughts are still in your head.

This is the writing forum, and we don't get a lot of posts so it's hard to be angry when I see a necropost Still, this is an old thread - and shouldn't have been posted in.
Great poem btw.

 

[serrated_colon]

eh this necropost was alright because it had relevance

anyways i agree with surmy, the ending was kinda abrupt but the intended effect was the capitalized parts of the last line were RTP, which related to writers in a GAME MAKINS context and generally, try reading the poem with that in mind(also the ORGy awards were an inspiration).

what i like about this is that it's subject to interpretation but i kinda ran out of steam, i may write more soon though