My first RPG

[ZekeDivinos]

Imagine this:

Inspired by the storyline of Final Fantasy 13... I present to you... "Eternalys: The Infinitia Chronicles" (Yes, I changed the title thanks to a friend who is way more creative with words than eye shall ever be.)

"In the beginning, there was nothing.
From the mass of nothing, a world was forged by the elemental Gods.
The gods created the first life of this world to manage the flow of life and bestowed upon them great Technology,
However, the night, a creation of the Gods of Darkness, was feared and unloved by the first civilization.
Angered, the Gods of Darkness hatched a sinister plan,
A plan to incite war amongst the Gods themselves.
By wiping out the first civilization, the Gods of Darkness proceeded to each of the gods, blaming the others.
Eventually, due to a pact forged by the Gods to keep the world filled with Life, the Gods created life forms in their own images to fight for them.

The war lasted for 500 years, before two of each life, one of male and the other of female, came together at the request of the two first humans, Adam and Eve.
After converging and sharing each side of the story, the life forms found that their simple war was nothing more than a mere game of the Gods.
Angered, the life forms returned to each of their respective tribes and shared the news with their leaders, convincing each to turn their blades not towards each other, but to the gods that had toyed with them for so long.
Eventually, at the top of a mighty tower, the gods were sealed away by the Tribes and peace reigned through the land... until...

The life created by Darkness arose, creatures known as Evi, created from the corpses of the dead, who were angered at the loss of their life at the hands of the gods war. The Evi sought revenge, if they could not live, they would not allow ANY to live.
Thus, one day, an Evi of Ice happened upon a small isolated home in the forest.
The home was inhabited by an old soldier, his wife, and their ten year old boy.
As they were to say their goodnights, the Evi struck, killing the woman instantaneously, and leaving the man severely injured protecting the boy.
"My Son...", said the man, hunched over the boy, "Take the family blade, Flamberge, and run. You must survive... you are... th..e... one... you... ha..ve... Uriel...."
The man fell to the floor, lifeless, as the boy rushed past the Evi, narrowly avoiding it's attacks.
The boy ran and ran until a wall of trees blocked his path.
The Evi closed in, and with a bright light, the fear within the boy vanished, and instead was replaced by a resurging courage.

In one strike, the boy dealt a fatal blow to the Evi, however, the Evi released it's icy powers, freezing the boy in solid ice...

500 years later...

A young, laid back boy, Agro, was searching the forest for components to build his next creation with. A genious at the tender age of 10, Agro was well renowned for following in his legendary craftman of a father's footsteps. While tugging at a curtain of vine he planned to turn to rope, the curtain fell to reveal a nearly thawed boy that appeared to be the same age as Agro. Unsure of what to make of this discovery, Agro picked at the ice until the boy was free, and took him home. When the boy awoke, he found himself in an unrecognizeable place. Staring over his face was Agro and his family. They asked the boy questions about who he was and why he had been sealed in ice, but each question was met with a grim, heavy silence.

A year later of bonding, Agro and the boy, whom had become brothers a year ago when the family decided to adopt the boy, decided to enter the academy in NeoTech City for entering the established and prestiged guild known as the Evi Hunters, a group dedicated to hunting down and killing Evi that threaten the daily lives of all life. Agro had applied for the technology division, whilst the boy applied for the field exam. The elder Hunters laughed and scoffed when the boy signed the required papers, it was unheard of for a newbie to take the field exam so early.

[insert tutorial here]

However, 3 days later, the boy returned with the required items and passed the field exam, becoming the youngest Evi Hunter in recorded history. Unknown to the boy, a great power dwelled within him that allowed him to do with ease what most normal people would have a difficult time of as far as combat went. The boy soon rose to the ranks of #1 within 4 years time. Without much to do, the boy and Agro agree to a new request presented by the Guild Master to head out to the Wastelands, where rumors of Evi Hunters dissapearing were being thrown left and right.

Thus begins the true adventure of the young Evi Hunters..."

I hope that was enough to get you guys hooked. The storyline I have prepared is quite amazing, if I do say so myself, and I hope to take each of you on a delightful and heartfelt journey within the world of... Eternalys.

 

[Signus]

I may not be a very avid member of these forums as of yet, but I must say: this is presented dreadfully. You lost me at "blah, blah, blah." If you personally do not care enough about the story, why should anyone else? Introducing elements to the Gods could be an interesting idea, I suppose it's somewhat cliché and yet I can't really point out any titles that have done it, so it should fare fine enough -- and I like the inclusion of a colliseum-type event with the Gods. however, I have a few questions. Why would the Gods not fight themselves should they be so inclined? What prevents them? And why, exactly, do the Gods of Darkness refrain from creating their own creatures, rather than spawning Evi from the cadavers of the fallen? A strong story is all about the "why" element. Why does this happen? Why does he want to take over the world? Why is there a giant cavern holding a mythical sword that will slay the beast? Without full answers to these "why" questions, a story can never really be flawless. And thus, rather than continuing on this rather longwinded rant, I shall leave you with a list of things to ponder:

Why do certain Gods conglomerate and decide to lock the other ones up? Why do they care as to whether or not they meddle in human affairs? Why does an Ice Evi attack an isolated human home, and kill the boys parents? What does it have to gain? Why does the boy's guardian, who owns the flamberge manage to find him/herself completely defeated, wherein a small 10 year old boy manages to wield it so effectively? Why is Argo so immediately trusting of the person he just met in the ice, and will this quick-trusting trait recur, and possibly affect him later? Why is it, that after an Ice Evi attacks this house, killing 2, that 500 years later there is a group of people called the Evi Hunters, and after 500 years, a 10 year old kid with a one-time Evi-experience manages to outskill everybody else, possibly some of them having years of Evi-slaughtering time? Why does the Magi girl look after the Orphans? And why does he immediately go to the girl looking after the orphans as the first source of information (you'd think a guard or a watchman or at least the settlements' leader would be a more apt choice?)

These are some of the questions you'll need to ask yourself, and come up with suitable explanations for. There are more of course, and some are easier to answer than others.

On a final note, the best villains don't just 'do it for fun.' The best villains have a reason to do what they're doing. Perhaps the evi, conjured from corpses, need the life from people to survive, and they're just trying to keep their species alive, long detached from their Gods? Just an idea, run with it.

Good luck & good day.
~Signus

 

[ZekeDivinos]

I do care for it, really, I've been trying to make this game for 2 years now. >.<
The blah blah blah part was because everyone's heard of that kind of storyline, but if you don't like it much, then I guess I could go edit it.

Why the gods won't fight themselves? Ask the creators of FF13 why the Fal'cie won't fight each other, and instead, make L'cie to do the dirty work for them. Like I said at the beginning, this work is inspired by that game.

Evi work much like the undead, basically filled with rage at the living for having what they once had. So basically, the Evi's programming, as according to the Gods of Darkness, is to find and kill any and all living life forms.

Why does a 10 year old manage to defeat it? I guess you werent satisfied with "miracle of fate", so I guess I'll hint that the boy, like in other stories, isn't so average... he has a special power to bond with the gods of a certain element and use their power. I was hoping to hold this back so as to get more excitement when I release the first demo, but that's ok.

As for the 500 year thing, it can be any amount of years, I just have slight OCD for keeping things neat and tidy, so I went with 500 years. The Evi didn't appear till after the war ended, since the Gods of Darkness wanted to wait for a more appropriate time. Evi Hunters are trained specifically how to defeat Evi, meaning they are special humans with more combat ability.

Agro is trusting of him as a facade, his whole lofty dont-give-a-darn laid back life is a facade, as he is really a coward. He uses this facade of his to overcome it, but I plan to include that as part of the plot too.

Like L'cie, Magi are feared and hated, but the kids are too young to understand that, so they like the girl and she wants to prove Magi aren't all bad. So she looks after the orphans as to help make her life easier as far as the townspeople's insults and small attacks go.

MC goes to the girl first because, like the Magi, the Evi Hunters are also not welcome. The reason for this I don't want to give away, but it's because of the actions of another Evi Hunter that will be the main antagonist. Deceit within

Sorry I took so long to reply. Unexpected work is unexpected.
I'll go ahead and edit that first post now.