My Faith an Original Prose by Ashramaru

[Ashramaru]

Gone.

 

[Mr. Thunderpussy]

I'm unclear on what this actually is. Is this the introduction to a story? Or is it the story itself? Or is it from an existing story? It seems quite poetic, is it a poem of some type (poems aren't my forte)? Maybe you should put this in a spoiler, then give it a description so that the next readers aren't as confused as my little brain was on that subject.
Having said that, I have to say, that was really well written. I was at first thinking that the main character was some sort of demon, or hellish monster, but it turns out it was a soldier. Close enough :D
I think what strikes me as the best feature is how the extract describes in great detail the horrors of war, of the belief that war is justice without actually mentioning it. To say that, I mean, it never says "I picked up my rifle and shot the man down," it's just so fantastically morbid and violent, without the actual violence.
If this is your work, then I hope you continue it. I'd be interested in reading more.

 

[Ashramaru]

@systematicanifailure: Thank you very much. I originally wrote it as an introduction for a game I was working on focused around Shinobi, however I am now using it for a War game know as Last Bible. Sorry for Puzzling you initially, and I will add a spoiler containing the Meaning, as well as the Genre of the work.

 

[Mr. Thunderpussy]

Glad to be of assistance! I am a novice author myself, so reading other styles of writing is great for me to look back and reflect on my own style. Good luck with the game!

 

[Surmuck]

So we begin.

Spoiler

The absence of slumber is my faith.

Good sentence in how it's worded, but your meaning is unclear.

My eyes are shrouded by the heinous figures of crouching demon of who reside in the darkness, ever clawing at my face, ever taunting me for the deprivation of light, the loss of my sight.

Long sentence, so it's easy to lose track.

Drool trickles from by fierce brand of deception,

That doesn't make sense.

my silver tongue of which I had used to blur the path of righteousness towards my brothers remain docile.

This is where your piece begins to fall apart, this sentence. Your meaning is hard to follow, and if you do - It's hard to understand.

The times of murder had come to pass, but still I laid there.

You switched from talking about the present to the past. Confusing shift.

Immersed in a puddle of sweet, staring at the virgin ceiling, wishing, hoping, and praying these visions of my psyche would come to pass.

I understand that you use a lot of figurative language, but still - it makes it incredibly hard to grasp the meaning of your sentences.

But still it came; the thick vapors swept over my eyes and the same memory beckons, alluring me from my placid resting place, and carrying me to the stage.

Inconsistent. A moment ago, you were praying that the visions of psyche would come to pass - but in this next sentence you say it has only just come.

With trembling hands I grasp my sharp, keen cutting tool from the earth, only to glimpse upon my face in the murky puddles of blood and water that lay infinite around my space.

It's almost as if your purposefully making it hard to read, at this point. The level your writing on is too much for you, I think - because good writers can write on a level their comfortable with - and be sure to make what their saying still somewhat easy to comprehend. Stick to where you can write, consistently until you feel you can approach another level.

I had known the place once before, it was my home. It was the shelf in which my master had kept me, the space in which I would be forever confine.

Well, obviously not forever.

o matter how many times, I had departed from this God-forsaken battle ground, it never departed from me.

Kind of over the top dramatic at this point, especially when the character he gives off that he is so separated from emotion.

I was condemned to this faith since the facade of peace and bliss during my birth.

I can draw two meanings from this sentence. That since the day he was born, there has been a facade of peace and bliss - or that WHILE he was being born there was peace and bliss. Clarify.

I am condemned, I was created for this path, I was, and will always be a tool. I am a tool, whom bears a tool, a puppet of war; there will be no salvation for my deeds.

Poor writing. Firstly, you state the same thing two ways. "I was, and will always be a tool. I am a tool". The second is unnecessary, as you just said it. 'Whom bears a tool' is just dragging out the tool metaphor too long.

Only in death, will a warrior, with bloodstained hands, obtain salvation through sleep.

Do you have like an addiction to commas or something, man?

And alas I was never put to death.

Except the whole piece somewhat implies you are dead, so uhh...Bad.

Despite the amount of fear that coursed through my body, Never once did I fall to the blade of another, Never once did I receive peace for my deeds.

Your opening the door to be made fun of, by the reader, without thinking. Another mention of your terrible deeds? This is getting old, and your not mixing it up at all. Just repeating yourself.

Alas I was never put to death, in lieu, I now lay here,

See above comment. Jeeze.

staring at virgin ceiling, forever beckoned to my home, forever called to the battlefield. The absence of slumber is my faith.

Eh? This implies that you were writing poetry, that you repeated the beginning of your piece. Also, the unique 'virgin ceiling' is only unique if you use it once. After that it's like the official term for your ceiling.

Do edit.

-Surmuck