Hey guys. I found something on my computer yesterday which I thought I had lost a very long time ago. It was an MSTing I did of a godawful Harry Potter fanfic entitled "Harry Potter turns to the Lord". I was pretty happy to find it, and decided to share it with you guys.
For those who don't know what MSTing is, it is a form of fanfiction based on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 series, where a human and two robots had to watch awful moves while making snarky comments (and, in this case, read an awful fanfic).
This particular fanfic is made in true MST3k style, with host segments (only 3 for this one) and a little storyline, which takes place after the original series' finale. It's worth a read if only to have a look at the original fanfic itself; this MSTing is the last known copy of this particular fanfic ever, so enjoy it's absolute awfulness!
I retooled some parts to make it more actual, but keep in mind the entire thing was written over 5 years ago, so be gentle with me in your comments. If feedback is positive, I might write some more, for funsies.
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MST3k2
Episode 1: Mark II
[Int. Mike’s apartment]
[Cambot’s screen field is observing the bots]
[Crow and Servo are sitting in front of the tv, watching a movie, when Mike comes in carrying groceries. There is a distinctively loud construction noise coming from outside.]
MIKE: Hey guys, what’re you watching?
CROW & SERVO : Iron Man.
MIKE: Iron Man? But that’s not a bad movie. In fact, I thought it was a hit. What’re you doing watching it?
SERVO: Mike, seriously, who said we only, had to watch bad movies? I mean really, it’s a change to watch something that doesn’t make me enter the “c:/run/suicide†command every twenty minutes.
CROW: Plus, the cable company is watching us. If we order one more bad movie, they’re going to send men with large butterfly nets for us.
[Mike moves closer to the couch]
MIKE: Because they wouldn’t be interested in the sentient, fully automated robots in the living room… eating my deodorant! Guys, seriously?
CROW: I wanted to know what “passion†tasted like…
[The construction noise in the background becomes progressively louder. Servo tries to increase the volume of the TV, but it’s at maximum.]
SERVO: What are they doing outside? Moving the highway to the front yard?
MIKE: No, it’s just some construction. I asked the guy, he said they were reinforcing the support for the building... and adding a fuel line… and… a launch pad.
[Mike becomes increasingly concerned as he keeps talking. Crow and Servo look at each other, nervous]
CROW: A… launch pad?
[Suddenly, the entire apartment shakes, and the sound of a rocket being launched is heard. Through the windows, the sky moves away. Soon, Planet Earth is but a marble in the horizon. Mike and the bots rush to the windows to witness the tragedy unfolding.
MIKE: No one at the alumni reunion is going to believe me.
CROW: Noooooooooo!!!
SERVO: Mike, didn’t the launch pad strike you as odd?
MIKE: I thought it was the new hip thing.
CROW: Nooooooooooooo!!!!
[The tv suddenly switches from the Iron Man movie to channel 666; the camera pans over, revealing a messy office with documents scattered everywhere. In the frame suddenly pops a young man with thick black glasses and curly hair.]
THE MAN: Hello, everyone. Mike, you may not know me, but I’m sure your little friends remember me well.
[Crow and Servo just stare blankly]
THE MAN: …Oh come on! I was Doctor Forrester’s assistant!
CROW: Frank? If you want, I know a good lawyer who’ll sue the plastic surgeon that butchered you.
SERVO: Forrester?
MIKE: You don’t remember Forrester?
SERVO: I delete all the memory banks of people who annoy me. I usually put the Mike folder in the recycle bin every Tuesday.
MIKE: What? Hey!
[The man appears to grow impatient and holds up a remote command, with a single click of a button, he vacuums out the air in the apartment. After a few seconds of agony, he allows the air back in.]
MIKE: Ow, cheap shot.
THE MAN: Did that jog your memory?
[Mike and the bots look at each other, unsure]
SERVO: Huh… Pearl?
THE MAN: NO! It’s me! Doctor Erhardt!
CROW: Ooooooh… I thought you were eaten by a giant spider.
DR. ERHARDT: No, I was at the bathroom.
SERVO: You were at the bathroom for the last 10 years?
DR. ERHARDT: I have a shy bladder, and people kept coming in… Imagine my surprise when, after I was finally done, I found out that Joel had escaped, that the Gizmonics’ had cut off Clayton’s funding and released the Satellite of Love, and that you were back on Earth.
SERVO: So you decided that Status Quo really is God and launched us back?
DR. ERHARDT: Exactly! I spoke with the mysterious board of Shadowy figures at Gizomonics’ and they agreed to finance my project. You see, I found a fatal flaw in Clayton’s theory: Movies allow the viewer to be passive while watching, and this passivity protects them from the awful movies’ effects. If you force the subject to take an active role in his torture, however…
[Dr. ERHARDT grabs a large document on his desk]
DR. ERHARDT: These are some of the worse fanfics and books ever written! They will break your mind like no movies can! MWA HA HA HA HA!
MIKE: What if I don’t want to?
DR. ERHARDT: You have the choice, Mike, but that depends on how much you like to breathe.
MIKE: Fine, send us the crap and let’s get it over and done with.
DR. ERHARDT: The first fanfic I have here is “Harry Potter turns to the Lordâ€, Christian propaganda at its best, the kind of thing that makes all the Jack Chick in the world wet their panties, hohoho…
[The lights in the apartment begin to flash wildly]
MIKE: We’ve got… er… fanfic sign!
-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-
CROW: And is going to moon him.
Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.
SERVO: Oh, come on! He’s seventeen! Every guy his age do that!
CROW: Ain’t that true, Mike?
MIKE: What? Er…
It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.
MIKE: Did the author just described himself?
CROW: Either that or it’s the fanbase, I mean they do peek in on his most private moments.
It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end,
SERVO: That certainly wasn’t a long drive.
and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.
SERVO: Wow, we’re 30 seconds into the fic and we already have the first sign of “Did not do researchâ€.
MIKE: Dumbledore is not an instructor, he’s the headmaster. Or is this some weird alternate reality?
CROW: What do you think?
"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively.
CROW: Mike, How do you quip inquisitively?
MIKE: I… I don’t know…
SERVO: I think it’s like snapping calmly.
"It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."
"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.
MIKE: Rubbish! It’s just a hangover!
SERVO: I’ll tell YOU when I’ve had enough butterbeer!
"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.
CROW: Wow, Dumbledore really is a great detective.
SERVO: We could use a few more like him at the FBI.
CROW: He’d be captain of the obvious squad.
Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."
"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts.â€
SERVO: Yeah, because lord knows that despite all the ghosts and monsters hidden in the forbidden forests, the constant threat of dark wizards and teachers with dark lords sticking out the back of their heads, children NEVER have nightmares at Hogwarts.
MIKE: I was going to say something, but I think you covered that pretty well.
I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"
SERVO: Because that’s not going to make you fall behind or anything.
MIKE: Man, and they think the U.S. education system sucks.
"Yes. Thank you, sir."
CROW & SERVO: SUCKER!
Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.
SERVO: There’s a word for that, it’s called being insane.
CROW: Call the men with the large butterfly nets.
MIKE: So, nobody at the MAGIC school thought that, maybe, the omnipresent nightmares the most popular child wizard was suffering from could’ve been caused by, I don’t know, MAGIC?
SERVO: Mike, stop looking for logic in the No man’s land of reason.
To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.
MIKE: I need to reread Harry Potter again, I don’t remember him being allowed to do that.
SERVO: He can because it’s CONVENIENT to the plot.
CROW: The guy is flying on a broomstick, and you’re concerned at the fact a teenager would go outside of the school ground?... Dr. Erhardt is right, this fic is getting to us!
He rocketed
SERVO: Like us earlier!
[Mike looks at him, annoyed]
SERVO: Too soon?
over the eastern border and across the murky oceans,
SERVO: Ocean-S? As in more than one? Now that’s going to be a long drive.
MIKE: Wait, the eastern border of what? Isn’t he in England?
but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.
MIKE: As opposed to when the broomstick shudders violently when his control of it is perfectly fine.
CROW: He didn’t read the notice: Do not operate under the influence of alcohol or medication.
He began to plummet.
MIKE: Just like my suspension of disbelief. If he’s an accomplished Quidditch player, this should be no pickle.
CROW: I’m not even sure the author actually got to the part about Quidditch.
Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear
SERVO: Yeah, forget about things like reflexes and adrenaline, all that shut down when you’re TI-RED.
and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.
MIKE: That’s one bad time to take a nap.
Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.
CROW: Yum! Yummy Harry!
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[As Mike and the bots are reading the fic, a slippery serpent-like creature creeps up to them]
CREATURE: Hey guys.
[Man and robots jump and emit girlish high-pitched scream, before settling down. The creature is a robot too, with features oddly reminiscent of Gypsy. However, the head is more smooth and curved, and the voice has a definitively more feminine tone.
MIKE: Gypsy?
CREATURE: No, I’m Gypsy Mark II. I manage all the functions of the Satellite of Love.
MIKE: Satellite of Love? Dr. Erhardt couldn’t even make up an original name?
GYPSY MARK II: Well, it’s… Satellite of Love… Mark II…
SERVO: Yeah, he was REALLY thinking outside of the box.
CROW: We need to give her a new name. I don’t want to call her Gypsy II, it’s just disrespectful.
SERVO: Alright, what about Tzigane?
MIKE: Why Tzigane?
SERVO: It’s French for Gypsy.
MIKE: Huh…
TZIGANE: Name overwritten.
MIKE: Right, so, Tzigane, do you want to watch the movie with us?
TZIGANE: I’d love to, but I can’t. All life support systems will shut down if I am distracted for more than 5.23 seconds. You may have already noticed that, as we approach this time limit, the apartment is slowly depressurizing, and that Mike’s testicles have shot up in his chest.
MIKE: Oh my God! Please, go back to your duties!
TZIGANE: It was a pleasure meeting you all.
[Before she leaves, Tzigane winks at Crow, who, oddly enough, blushes. Mike and the bots resume their reading of the fic].
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"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"
CROW: Ok, so, what was happening?
SERVO: Well, there was a continuity error, and then a plot contrivance, and then something happened that made no sense…
MIKE: And then Harry tried to commit suicide.
CROW: Oh, right, I’m all caught up now.
Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness,
CROW: If we have to suffer so do you!
and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.
CROW: And presumably a rapist.
MIKE: It’s also my first instinct, when finding someone washed ashore to just go “helloâ€, and to not call any ambulances or try CPR.
SERVO: That summer as a lifeguard really taught you some things, huh, Mike?
MIKE: I loved the red swimming trunks…
As Harry was perceptive,
SERVO: There’s another continuity error with the canon.
MIKE: Harry is not perceptive, in fact he gets it wrong so many times that when he actually gets it right no one believes him.
he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.
SERVO: Because wizards NEVER dress as muggles.
MIKE: And because Voldemort’s agents wouldn’t think of dressing up as muggles to surprise Harry.
"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.
CROW: The Island.
MIKE: Everyone from the tail section of the broomstick lives on the other side.
"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!"
SERVO: I’m just bubbly with joy.
chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space.
CROW: What? So where was he just a second ago? Standing on top of him?
SERVO & MIKE: Run, Harry! Run!
"I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."
SERVO: Harry on Ice, coming this fall to Central Park.
CROW: Harry Potter Flavored popscicle, the new commercial product destined to suck every once of blood out of that franchise.
"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.
SERVO: A self-insertion
CROW: Satan
MIKE: An angel of the Lord.
[Servo and Crow chime the “number 6†theme from Battlestar Galactica]
"My name is David,"
MIKE: I win.
SERVO: That would really lend itself better to a jewish propaganda fic.
the man replied. "I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky.
MIKE: David, did you take your medication today?
Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"
SERVO: No, you may not!
CROW: It was a spaceship… they did things to me.
"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.
MIKE: Geez, whatever happened to whole secrecy part of the wizarding community?
SERVO: With security this tight, it’s a wonder it hasn’t been on the 6 o’clock news decades ago.
CROW: So, he was “riding†his broomstick? Insert innuendo here.
"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."
SERVO: How blasé can this guy be? Is he on crack?
MIKE: Would explain why he’s seeing people falling from the sky.
Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.
[Mike and the bots stare in silence]
MIKE: o…kay…
CROW: He… changed him? Is that guy a priest?
[Mike gives Crow a look]
CROW: Too obvious?
"Where's my robe?" he cried.
Mike & The bots: Waahaahahaha! I want my mommy!
"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know.
MIKE: So he’s a thief too.
CROW: This guys is just swell.
Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."
SERVO: They just dropped the convenient morality anvil on us.
"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."
SERVO: Let’s conveniently forget that wizards to lots of magic without wands and tools.
"A wizard, you say?" mused David.
SERVO: Geez, Harry, you really can’t be trusted with a secret, can you?
MIKE: I’ll say it’s the concussion and let it slide.
"I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"
SERVO: So now even the muggles know about Hogwarts?
CROW: Must be a special power that comes with being a friggin’ Marty Stu!
"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.
SERVO: Yeah! How? Answer or I’ll have to get the thumbscrews!
"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."
CROW: She’s locked up in the basement. She’s my wife and is pregnant with my 17th child.
"What was her name?"
CROW: Mistress Spank-a-Lot.
"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly.
SERVO: Only Kate, like Madonna
MIKE: Shame on you, David! Not remembering the name of your wife!
She was a highly decorated student there,
SERVO: Top of the transfiguration class, turned herself into a Christmas tree.
top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic,
CROW: Next level is the zombies in the sewer, make sure to have a lot of quarters.
and that's when things started to go awry."
SERVO: She ran out of quarters?
MIKE: Oh, I can see where this is going… At least they’re not implying Dungeons and Dragons did it.
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.
"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.
SERVO: She had to read this fanfic as well?
"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.
"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.
SERVO: If my databank is correct, this much contrivances in one work of fiction should have ruptured the space-time continuum by now…
[Mike and the bots wait for the universe to implode. When nothing happens, they resume the reading of the fic]
All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,
CROW: They were wrong, you should only listen to strange men living like hermits in isolated cottages.
but she had to find out why she was being haunted.
MIKE: One word: David.
So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage.
CROW: No shit!
SERVO: That’s one hell of a coincidence.
MIKE: Is his cottage some sort of beacon for every lost teenager?
CROW: The entire Degrassi cast must be around here somewhere.
I showed her
Mike and the bots: NOOO!
The Bible, you see...."
[Mike and the bots cover their eyes]
"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.
"That's right," he replied,
MIKE: No, it’s not.
CROW: Oh, come on! Harry has got to have heard of the bible, he didn’t spend the last 17 years in a glass box.
SERVO: Notice how the convertee is always unaware of the bible’s existence in these sort of drabble, it makes the insta-convert much more believable… sorta.
MIKE: Convertee? Is that a real word?
"the Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse?
MIKE: Let’s try and find the correct quote in the 1000+ pages phone book! Yay!
SERVO: Er, Mike, are you OK?
Ah, yes!
CROW: Ah, no!
Deuteronomy 18:10-12.
CROW: No, sir, it’s Friday, 6pm.
SERVO: That’s not what he… nevermind.
Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire,
CROW: That is one disturbing children’s tale.
SERVO: Yeah, that bit in Harry Potter really surprised me.
who practices divination
SERVO: So, burn the horoscope, then?
or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.
CROW: Or who eats with his mouth open, or who eats shellfish, or who pronounces it “supposebly†or who spells it “colour†or…
MIKE: I’m going to take a leak and come back when you’re done.
SERVO: You could walk back to Earth in the time it’ll take for him to be done.
Anyone who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord.
MIKE: I thought the Lord was all-loving?
SERVO: No, Mike, if the Lord was all-loving, how could people like David exclude others? Stop taking the joy out of life, Mike!
"So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.
CROW: Huh? Oh, I’m sorry, I must have fell asleep for a minute there.
"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."
MIKE: So Harry really is Voldemort’s pawn?
SERVO: But I didn’t see any rings in Harry Potter? Why is Sauron suddenly involved?
CROW: I think he meant Shai’Tan. The Forsakens can look like anyone!
MIKE: You know, I’ve just noticed… Voldemort is pale, ugly, wears a black robe… he’s the Emperor from Star Wars!
SERVO: I think we can stop now.
"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"
"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.
CROW: ‘Bout as sharp as a plastic spoon.
"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"
SERVO: Again, let’s conveniently forget Harry’s mother was muggle-born.
MIKE: Why is Harry suddenly talking like a 40 y.o. literature professor?
CROW: Because by the time they get to the last movie, Daniel Radcliff will be forty!
"So, you're having nightmares, too?"
CROW: Yes, of evil faceless creatures that strive on my pain and... WAIT A MINUTE! That’s you, David!
Harry was silenced.
CROW: At last! Normally he can’t keep his mouth shut.
David strolled over to him
[Crow and servo hum a eerie tune]
MIKE: This bit sends chill down my spine.
and lay the Bible beside him.
SERVO: I want you to read it and have it memorised by Friday.
"I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.
MIKE: You can have some, but ONLY if you convert to my arbitrary system of belief.
SERVO: Fine, but it better be damn good chocolate!
CROW: Damn you David! This chocolate is the cheap no-name crap they sell outside of church!
"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later."
MIKE: I don’t wanna!
Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week,
SERVO: And no one looked for the most popular child wizard.
for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend.
MIKE: That’s funny; this place seems like pure nightmare fuel.
David taught him all about Christ,
SERVO: That must’ve been a fun week.
MIKE: Oh my God, it’s bible camp all over again!
CROW: You went to bible camp?
MIKE: I must repress, I must repress! The awful songs! They don’t even rhyme!
and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world.
CROW: What was that already?
SERVO: He was tortured for days and then crucified, and that somehow saved the world.
CROW: How? It made everyone switch to Geico?
And the more Harry heard of it,
MIKE: The more he fell into a deep sleep.
the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.
SERVO: And that sounds in no way like brainwashing!
CROW: I like how the author conveniently left out the parts where David doesn’t feed Harry and forces him to repeat over and over that wizardry is evil, and then goes down to the basement to rape Kate.
MIKE: Wow, Crow, dark much?
CROW: Meh.
Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.
[Mike and the bots simply stare]
MIKE: Riiiiight… the 2000 years old book written by various shepherds makes too much sense.
SERVO: The same could be said for the flying spaghetti monster theory. Let me go get my pamphlet.
"David?" he asked one afternoon.
"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.
SERVO: The newspaper?
CROW: But it’s EVIL! It has the horoscope in it!
MIKE: its ok, he’s going to burn it afterward.
"How do I become a Christian?"
MIKE: That depends, Harry. The standard, well-adjusted kind, or the crazy batshit fanatical kind, like me?
"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly.
SERVO: Magic is evil, but brainwashing is A-OK!
"Come, let me show you." David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer,
MIKE: As opposed to the many other things you can do with a prayer.
and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.
"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness,
SERVO: You know, for saving the world two or three times. That was BAAAAD of me.
for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world.
CROW: Next time, I’ll just let Voldemort kill everyone. But it’ll be alright because I won’t be doing evil stuff that makes people happy!
I have given my very essence to the enemy of man,
Mike and the bots: EW!
and taken joy in it as well.
Mike and the bots: EW! EW!
I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld,
MIKE: That’s a simple player? What’s a complicated one?
SERVO: Don’t ask! He might hear you!
all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts.
MIKE: Is this going to take much longer, I need to mow the lawn.
SERVO: Er, Mike? We’re in space.
MIKE: I know.
Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom.
MIKE: I wanna wear wings and play harp for all eternity.
In your name I pray...Amen."
SERVO: How is talking to a spiritual, invisible deity different from talking to a spiritual, invisible entity, which is supposed to be the epitome of evil?
CROW: If God tells you to do it, you can do anything. Like start wars and rape people. God is cool.
[MIKE and SERVO slightly slide away to the sides of the sofa and away from CROW]
Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.
MIKE: Damn allergies.
For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted,
SERVO: Because that never happened in books. He was just faking it, he really hates his friends and was always miserable at Hogwarts.
and....pure.
MIKE: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Insta-Convert! Jack Chick couldn’t have done better.
He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born
MIKE: Ok everyone! Time for another convenient loss of memory. Harry didn’t find out he was a wizard before his eleventh birthday.
and he wept,
SERVO: So is the entire fanbase.
both out of joy,
MIKE: Geez, that was some intense prayer… what was in that hot chocolate cup, LSD?
and sorrow for all of his friends
CROW: Who have never accepted or loved him.
that remained blind to the real truth,
MIKE: The truth, it’s out there.
[CROW and SERVO hum the X-Files theme song]
indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts,
MIKE: Again, when have Voldemort, Sauron, Emperor Palpatine and Shai’Tan decided to take over Hogwarts?
SERVO: if Hogwarts is evil, and they fight Voldemort who is evil... then what are Harry and David?
CROW: Morons.
convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.
MIKE: The author never made it passed the two first pages when he read the book, has he?
He wept all night long because of this.
MIKE: David turned him into a wuss!
SERVO: Maybe Old Yeller was on TV that night.
"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.
MIKE: You should go into hiding, David, people will hate you for what you did to their favourite hero.
SERVO: He’s already in hiding. He wrote the End of Evangelion.
"Yes, Harry?" replied David.
"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"
"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.
CROW: So David will follow Harry?
"But if God is for you, then who can be against you?
SERVO: Anyone with common sense?
Go, and spread the word.
MIKE: Actually, just go and phone the police.
You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter.
SERVO: since when?
MIKE: There’s a deeper meaning, you see. Harry Potter books are read thorough the world, so basically, Harry is in a position of power.
SERVO: ...No way the author can be that clever.
Now it's time you used it for good."
Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend,
MIKE: The kitchen sink is more profound and genuine than that guy.
Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.
SERVO: So this whole adventure has been a total waste of time.
CROW: So, from super-powered destined child wizard to a homeless bum in the course of a week… man, this really ain’t advertisement for Christianity.
But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.
CROW: He was found three days later in a scrap yard, dead.
-End-
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[The fanfic ends, and is replaced on the TV by static]
SERVO: I think my eyes are bleeding. Are my eyes bleeding?
CROW: You have no eyes!
MIKE: (To himself) After that, they’re never coming back down…
[The high-pitched voice of Dr. Erhardt brings Mike and the bots back to reality. The static slowly fades from the tv to reveal a closeup of the mad scientist’s face]
DR. ERHARDT: So, how was it? Broken your spirit yet?
MIKE: Close, but no.
DR. ERHARDT: Well, it’s closer than Clay ever managed to get. I’ll get you next time!
[The tv automatically turns itself off. Crow tries to turn it back on, but the screen remains blank. Tom Servo exits Cambot’s field of view for a moment, and comes back with Tzigane. Both have spaghetti on their head.]
MIKE: What are you two doing?
SERVO: We came to save you Mike! I’ve already saved Tzigane by showing her that the only true salvation is through the flying spaghetti monster. You need to join us too!
MIKE: Why? Why can’t you just let me be myself? My beliefs aren’t hurting anyone.
TZIGANE: The flying spaghetti monster taught us three things: To tolerate other people’s belief, to accept them, and once they believe we tolerate and accept them, to crush them!
[Tzigane and Servo move toward Mike menacingly. The human moves back, but is soon met by the living room wall].
CROW (off-screen): Hey, guys, I think I have the answer to your questions.
[Cambot’s field of view turns to Crow, who is staring out the window, the others join him].
MIKE: Huh… well, that explains a lot.
SERVO: So, THAT’s the one true faith.
TZIGANE: Gotta admit, it makes a lot of sense, when you think about it.
[The field screen reads: CAMBOT BATTERY LOW].
End of episode 1
For those who don't know what MSTing is, it is a form of fanfiction based on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 series, where a human and two robots had to watch awful moves while making snarky comments (and, in this case, read an awful fanfic).
This particular fanfic is made in true MST3k style, with host segments (only 3 for this one) and a little storyline, which takes place after the original series' finale. It's worth a read if only to have a look at the original fanfic itself; this MSTing is the last known copy of this particular fanfic ever, so enjoy it's absolute awfulness!
I retooled some parts to make it more actual, but keep in mind the entire thing was written over 5 years ago, so be gentle with me in your comments. If feedback is positive, I might write some more, for funsies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MST3k2
Episode 1: Mark II
[Int. Mike’s apartment]
[Cambot’s screen field is observing the bots]
[Crow and Servo are sitting in front of the tv, watching a movie, when Mike comes in carrying groceries. There is a distinctively loud construction noise coming from outside.]
MIKE: Hey guys, what’re you watching?
CROW & SERVO : Iron Man.
MIKE: Iron Man? But that’s not a bad movie. In fact, I thought it was a hit. What’re you doing watching it?
SERVO: Mike, seriously, who said we only, had to watch bad movies? I mean really, it’s a change to watch something that doesn’t make me enter the “c:/run/suicide†command every twenty minutes.
CROW: Plus, the cable company is watching us. If we order one more bad movie, they’re going to send men with large butterfly nets for us.
[Mike moves closer to the couch]
MIKE: Because they wouldn’t be interested in the sentient, fully automated robots in the living room… eating my deodorant! Guys, seriously?
CROW: I wanted to know what “passion†tasted like…
[The construction noise in the background becomes progressively louder. Servo tries to increase the volume of the TV, but it’s at maximum.]
SERVO: What are they doing outside? Moving the highway to the front yard?
MIKE: No, it’s just some construction. I asked the guy, he said they were reinforcing the support for the building... and adding a fuel line… and… a launch pad.
[Mike becomes increasingly concerned as he keeps talking. Crow and Servo look at each other, nervous]
CROW: A… launch pad?
[Suddenly, the entire apartment shakes, and the sound of a rocket being launched is heard. Through the windows, the sky moves away. Soon, Planet Earth is but a marble in the horizon. Mike and the bots rush to the windows to witness the tragedy unfolding.
MIKE: No one at the alumni reunion is going to believe me.
CROW: Noooooooooo!!!
SERVO: Mike, didn’t the launch pad strike you as odd?
MIKE: I thought it was the new hip thing.
CROW: Nooooooooooooo!!!!
[The tv suddenly switches from the Iron Man movie to channel 666; the camera pans over, revealing a messy office with documents scattered everywhere. In the frame suddenly pops a young man with thick black glasses and curly hair.]
THE MAN: Hello, everyone. Mike, you may not know me, but I’m sure your little friends remember me well.
[Crow and Servo just stare blankly]
THE MAN: …Oh come on! I was Doctor Forrester’s assistant!
CROW: Frank? If you want, I know a good lawyer who’ll sue the plastic surgeon that butchered you.
SERVO: Forrester?
MIKE: You don’t remember Forrester?
SERVO: I delete all the memory banks of people who annoy me. I usually put the Mike folder in the recycle bin every Tuesday.
MIKE: What? Hey!
[The man appears to grow impatient and holds up a remote command, with a single click of a button, he vacuums out the air in the apartment. After a few seconds of agony, he allows the air back in.]
MIKE: Ow, cheap shot.
THE MAN: Did that jog your memory?
[Mike and the bots look at each other, unsure]
SERVO: Huh… Pearl?
THE MAN: NO! It’s me! Doctor Erhardt!
CROW: Ooooooh… I thought you were eaten by a giant spider.
DR. ERHARDT: No, I was at the bathroom.
SERVO: You were at the bathroom for the last 10 years?
DR. ERHARDT: I have a shy bladder, and people kept coming in… Imagine my surprise when, after I was finally done, I found out that Joel had escaped, that the Gizmonics’ had cut off Clayton’s funding and released the Satellite of Love, and that you were back on Earth.
SERVO: So you decided that Status Quo really is God and launched us back?
DR. ERHARDT: Exactly! I spoke with the mysterious board of Shadowy figures at Gizomonics’ and they agreed to finance my project. You see, I found a fatal flaw in Clayton’s theory: Movies allow the viewer to be passive while watching, and this passivity protects them from the awful movies’ effects. If you force the subject to take an active role in his torture, however…
[Dr. ERHARDT grabs a large document on his desk]
DR. ERHARDT: These are some of the worse fanfics and books ever written! They will break your mind like no movies can! MWA HA HA HA HA!
MIKE: What if I don’t want to?
DR. ERHARDT: You have the choice, Mike, but that depends on how much you like to breathe.
MIKE: Fine, send us the crap and let’s get it over and done with.
DR. ERHARDT: The first fanfic I have here is “Harry Potter turns to the Lordâ€, Christian propaganda at its best, the kind of thing that makes all the Jack Chick in the world wet their panties, hohoho…
[The lights in the apartment begin to flash wildly]
MIKE: We’ve got… er… fanfic sign!
-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-
CROW: And is going to moon him.
Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.
SERVO: Oh, come on! He’s seventeen! Every guy his age do that!
CROW: Ain’t that true, Mike?
MIKE: What? Er…
It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.
MIKE: Did the author just described himself?
CROW: Either that or it’s the fanbase, I mean they do peek in on his most private moments.
It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end,
SERVO: That certainly wasn’t a long drive.
and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.
SERVO: Wow, we’re 30 seconds into the fic and we already have the first sign of “Did not do researchâ€.
MIKE: Dumbledore is not an instructor, he’s the headmaster. Or is this some weird alternate reality?
CROW: What do you think?
"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively.
CROW: Mike, How do you quip inquisitively?
MIKE: I… I don’t know…
SERVO: I think it’s like snapping calmly.
"It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class."
"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.
MIKE: Rubbish! It’s just a hangover!
SERVO: I’ll tell YOU when I’ve had enough butterbeer!
"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted.
CROW: Wow, Dumbledore really is a great detective.
SERVO: We could use a few more like him at the FBI.
CROW: He’d be captain of the obvious squad.
Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams."
"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts.â€
SERVO: Yeah, because lord knows that despite all the ghosts and monsters hidden in the forbidden forests, the constant threat of dark wizards and teachers with dark lords sticking out the back of their heads, children NEVER have nightmares at Hogwarts.
MIKE: I was going to say something, but I think you covered that pretty well.
I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?"
SERVO: Because that’s not going to make you fall behind or anything.
MIKE: Man, and they think the U.S. education system sucks.
"Yes. Thank you, sir."
CROW & SERVO: SUCKER!
Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime.
SERVO: There’s a word for that, it’s called being insane.
CROW: Call the men with the large butterfly nets.
MIKE: So, nobody at the MAGIC school thought that, maybe, the omnipresent nightmares the most popular child wizard was suffering from could’ve been caused by, I don’t know, MAGIC?
SERVO: Mike, stop looking for logic in the No man’s land of reason.
To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.
MIKE: I need to reread Harry Potter again, I don’t remember him being allowed to do that.
SERVO: He can because it’s CONVENIENT to the plot.
CROW: The guy is flying on a broomstick, and you’re concerned at the fact a teenager would go outside of the school ground?... Dr. Erhardt is right, this fic is getting to us!
He rocketed
SERVO: Like us earlier!
[Mike looks at him, annoyed]
SERVO: Too soon?
over the eastern border and across the murky oceans,
SERVO: Ocean-S? As in more than one? Now that’s going to be a long drive.
MIKE: Wait, the eastern border of what? Isn’t he in England?
but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.
MIKE: As opposed to when the broomstick shudders violently when his control of it is perfectly fine.
CROW: He didn’t read the notice: Do not operate under the influence of alcohol or medication.
He began to plummet.
MIKE: Just like my suspension of disbelief. If he’s an accomplished Quidditch player, this should be no pickle.
CROW: I’m not even sure the author actually got to the part about Quidditch.
Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear
SERVO: Yeah, forget about things like reflexes and adrenaline, all that shut down when you’re TI-RED.
and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.
MIKE: That’s one bad time to take a nap.
Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark.
CROW: Yum! Yummy Harry!
------------
[As Mike and the bots are reading the fic, a slippery serpent-like creature creeps up to them]
CREATURE: Hey guys.
[Man and robots jump and emit girlish high-pitched scream, before settling down. The creature is a robot too, with features oddly reminiscent of Gypsy. However, the head is more smooth and curved, and the voice has a definitively more feminine tone.
MIKE: Gypsy?
CREATURE: No, I’m Gypsy Mark II. I manage all the functions of the Satellite of Love.
MIKE: Satellite of Love? Dr. Erhardt couldn’t even make up an original name?
GYPSY MARK II: Well, it’s… Satellite of Love… Mark II…
SERVO: Yeah, he was REALLY thinking outside of the box.
CROW: We need to give her a new name. I don’t want to call her Gypsy II, it’s just disrespectful.
SERVO: Alright, what about Tzigane?
MIKE: Why Tzigane?
SERVO: It’s French for Gypsy.
MIKE: Huh…
TZIGANE: Name overwritten.
MIKE: Right, so, Tzigane, do you want to watch the movie with us?
TZIGANE: I’d love to, but I can’t. All life support systems will shut down if I am distracted for more than 5.23 seconds. You may have already noticed that, as we approach this time limit, the apartment is slowly depressurizing, and that Mike’s testicles have shot up in his chest.
MIKE: Oh my God! Please, go back to your duties!
TZIGANE: It was a pleasure meeting you all.
[Before she leaves, Tzigane winks at Crow, who, oddly enough, blushes. Mike and the bots resume their reading of the fic].
-----------
"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?"
CROW: Ok, so, what was happening?
SERVO: Well, there was a continuity error, and then a plot contrivance, and then something happened that made no sense…
MIKE: And then Harry tried to commit suicide.
CROW: Oh, right, I’m all caught up now.
Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness,
CROW: If we have to suffer so do you!
and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties.
CROW: And presumably a rapist.
MIKE: It’s also my first instinct, when finding someone washed ashore to just go “helloâ€, and to not call any ambulances or try CPR.
SERVO: That summer as a lifeguard really taught you some things, huh, Mike?
MIKE: I loved the red swimming trunks…
As Harry was perceptive,
SERVO: There’s another continuity error with the canon.
MIKE: Harry is not perceptive, in fact he gets it wrong so many times that when he actually gets it right no one believes him.
he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.
SERVO: Because wizards NEVER dress as muggles.
MIKE: And because Voldemort’s agents wouldn’t think of dressing up as muggles to surprise Harry.
"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.
CROW: The Island.
MIKE: Everyone from the tail section of the broomstick lives on the other side.
"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!"
SERVO: I’m just bubbly with joy.
chuckled the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space.
CROW: What? So where was he just a second ago? Standing on top of him?
SERVO & MIKE: Run, Harry! Run!
"I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."
SERVO: Harry on Ice, coming this fall to Central Park.
CROW: Harry Potter Flavored popscicle, the new commercial product destined to suck every once of blood out of that franchise.
"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake.
SERVO: A self-insertion
CROW: Satan
MIKE: An angel of the Lord.
[Servo and Crow chime the “number 6†theme from Battlestar Galactica]
"My name is David,"
MIKE: I win.
SERVO: That would really lend itself better to a jewish propaganda fic.
the man replied. "I, uh - - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky.
MIKE: David, did you take your medication today?
Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"
SERVO: No, you may not!
CROW: It was a spaceship… they did things to me.
"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly.
MIKE: Geez, whatever happened to whole secrecy part of the wizarding community?
SERVO: With security this tight, it’s a wonder it hasn’t been on the 6 o’clock news decades ago.
CROW: So, he was “riding†his broomstick? Insert innuendo here.
"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting."
SERVO: How blasé can this guy be? Is he on crack?
MIKE: Would explain why he’s seeing people falling from the sky.
Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.
[Mike and the bots stare in silence]
MIKE: o…kay…
CROW: He… changed him? Is that guy a priest?
[Mike gives Crow a look]
CROW: Too obvious?
"Where's my robe?" he cried.
Mike & The bots: Waahaahahaha! I want my mommy!
"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, you know.
MIKE: So he’s a thief too.
CROW: This guys is just swell.
Really quite fascinating - - albeit evil."
SERVO: They just dropped the convenient morality anvil on us.
"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see."
SERVO: Let’s conveniently forget that wizards to lots of magic without wands and tools.
"A wizard, you say?" mused David.
SERVO: Geez, Harry, you really can’t be trusted with a secret, can you?
MIKE: I’ll say it’s the concussion and let it slide.
"I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?"
SERVO: So now even the muggles know about Hogwarts?
CROW: Must be a special power that comes with being a friggin’ Marty Stu!
"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.
SERVO: Yeah! How? Answer or I’ll have to get the thumbscrews!
"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there."
CROW: She’s locked up in the basement. She’s my wife and is pregnant with my 17th child.
"What was her name?"
CROW: Mistress Spank-a-Lot.
"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly.
SERVO: Only Kate, like Madonna
MIKE: Shame on you, David! Not remembering the name of your wife!
She was a highly decorated student there,
SERVO: Top of the transfiguration class, turned herself into a Christmas tree.
top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic,
CROW: Next level is the zombies in the sewer, make sure to have a lot of quarters.
and that's when things started to go awry."
SERVO: She ran out of quarters?
MIKE: Oh, I can see where this is going… At least they’re not implying Dungeons and Dragons did it.
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.
"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," David remarked.
SERVO: She had to read this fanfic as well?
"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.
"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety.
SERVO: If my databank is correct, this much contrivances in one work of fiction should have ruptured the space-time continuum by now…
[Mike and the bots wait for the universe to implode. When nothing happens, they resume the reading of the fic]
All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,
CROW: They were wrong, you should only listen to strange men living like hermits in isolated cottages.
but she had to find out why she was being haunted.
MIKE: One word: David.
So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage.
CROW: No shit!
SERVO: That’s one hell of a coincidence.
MIKE: Is his cottage some sort of beacon for every lost teenager?
CROW: The entire Degrassi cast must be around here somewhere.
I showed her
Mike and the bots: NOOO!
The Bible, you see...."
[Mike and the bots cover their eyes]
"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.
"That's right," he replied,
MIKE: No, it’s not.
CROW: Oh, come on! Harry has got to have heard of the bible, he didn’t spend the last 17 years in a glass box.
SERVO: Notice how the convertee is always unaware of the bible’s existence in these sort of drabble, it makes the insta-convert much more believable… sorta.
MIKE: Convertee? Is that a real word?
"the Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse?
MIKE: Let’s try and find the correct quote in the 1000+ pages phone book! Yay!
SERVO: Er, Mike, are you OK?
Ah, yes!
CROW: Ah, no!
Deuteronomy 18:10-12.
CROW: No, sir, it’s Friday, 6pm.
SERVO: That’s not what he… nevermind.
Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire,
CROW: That is one disturbing children’s tale.
SERVO: Yeah, that bit in Harry Potter really surprised me.
who practices divination
SERVO: So, burn the horoscope, then?
or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.
CROW: Or who eats with his mouth open, or who eats shellfish, or who pronounces it “supposebly†or who spells it “colour†or…
MIKE: I’m going to take a leak and come back when you’re done.
SERVO: You could walk back to Earth in the time it’ll take for him to be done.
Anyone who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord.
MIKE: I thought the Lord was all-loving?
SERVO: No, Mike, if the Lord was all-loving, how could people like David exclude others? Stop taking the joy out of life, Mike!
"So, don't you see, young man?" David finished.
CROW: Huh? Oh, I’m sorry, I must have fell asleep for a minute there.
"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one."
MIKE: So Harry really is Voldemort’s pawn?
SERVO: But I didn’t see any rings in Harry Potter? Why is Sauron suddenly involved?
CROW: I think he meant Shai’Tan. The Forsakens can look like anyone!
MIKE: You know, I’ve just noticed… Voldemort is pale, ugly, wears a black robe… he’s the Emperor from Star Wars!
SERVO: I think we can stop now.
"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"
"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.
CROW: ‘Bout as sharp as a plastic spoon.
"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"
SERVO: Again, let’s conveniently forget Harry’s mother was muggle-born.
MIKE: Why is Harry suddenly talking like a 40 y.o. literature professor?
CROW: Because by the time they get to the last movie, Daniel Radcliff will be forty!
"So, you're having nightmares, too?"
CROW: Yes, of evil faceless creatures that strive on my pain and... WAIT A MINUTE! That’s you, David!
Harry was silenced.
CROW: At last! Normally he can’t keep his mouth shut.
David strolled over to him
[Crow and servo hum a eerie tune]
MIKE: This bit sends chill down my spine.
and lay the Bible beside him.
SERVO: I want you to read it and have it memorised by Friday.
"I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.
MIKE: You can have some, but ONLY if you convert to my arbitrary system of belief.
SERVO: Fine, but it better be damn good chocolate!
CROW: Damn you David! This chocolate is the cheap no-name crap they sell outside of church!
"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later."
MIKE: I don’t wanna!
Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week,
SERVO: And no one looked for the most popular child wizard.
for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend.
MIKE: That’s funny; this place seems like pure nightmare fuel.
David taught him all about Christ,
SERVO: That must’ve been a fun week.
MIKE: Oh my God, it’s bible camp all over again!
CROW: You went to bible camp?
MIKE: I must repress, I must repress! The awful songs! They don’t even rhyme!
and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world.
CROW: What was that already?
SERVO: He was tortured for days and then crucified, and that somehow saved the world.
CROW: How? It made everyone switch to Geico?
And the more Harry heard of it,
MIKE: The more he fell into a deep sleep.
the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.
SERVO: And that sounds in no way like brainwashing!
CROW: I like how the author conveniently left out the parts where David doesn’t feed Harry and forces him to repeat over and over that wizardry is evil, and then goes down to the basement to rape Kate.
MIKE: Wow, Crow, dark much?
CROW: Meh.
Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.
[Mike and the bots simply stare]
MIKE: Riiiiight… the 2000 years old book written by various shepherds makes too much sense.
SERVO: The same could be said for the flying spaghetti monster theory. Let me go get my pamphlet.
"David?" he asked one afternoon.
"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.
SERVO: The newspaper?
CROW: But it’s EVIL! It has the horoscope in it!
MIKE: its ok, he’s going to burn it afterward.
"How do I become a Christian?"
MIKE: That depends, Harry. The standard, well-adjusted kind, or the crazy batshit fanatical kind, like me?
"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," smiled David, proudly.
SERVO: Magic is evil, but brainwashing is A-OK!
"Come, let me show you." David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer,
MIKE: As opposed to the many other things you can do with a prayer.
and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.
"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness,
SERVO: You know, for saving the world two or three times. That was BAAAAD of me.
for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world.
CROW: Next time, I’ll just let Voldemort kill everyone. But it’ll be alright because I won’t be doing evil stuff that makes people happy!
I have given my very essence to the enemy of man,
Mike and the bots: EW!
and taken joy in it as well.
Mike and the bots: EW! EW!
I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld,
MIKE: That’s a simple player? What’s a complicated one?
SERVO: Don’t ask! He might hear you!
all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts.
MIKE: Is this going to take much longer, I need to mow the lawn.
SERVO: Er, Mike? We’re in space.
MIKE: I know.
Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom.
MIKE: I wanna wear wings and play harp for all eternity.
In your name I pray...Amen."
SERVO: How is talking to a spiritual, invisible deity different from talking to a spiritual, invisible entity, which is supposed to be the epitome of evil?
CROW: If God tells you to do it, you can do anything. Like start wars and rape people. God is cool.
[MIKE and SERVO slightly slide away to the sides of the sofa and away from CROW]
Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.
MIKE: Damn allergies.
For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted,
SERVO: Because that never happened in books. He was just faking it, he really hates his friends and was always miserable at Hogwarts.
and....pure.
MIKE: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Insta-Convert! Jack Chick couldn’t have done better.
He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born
MIKE: Ok everyone! Time for another convenient loss of memory. Harry didn’t find out he was a wizard before his eleventh birthday.
and he wept,
SERVO: So is the entire fanbase.
both out of joy,
MIKE: Geez, that was some intense prayer… what was in that hot chocolate cup, LSD?
and sorrow for all of his friends
CROW: Who have never accepted or loved him.
that remained blind to the real truth,
MIKE: The truth, it’s out there.
[CROW and SERVO hum the X-Files theme song]
indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts,
MIKE: Again, when have Voldemort, Sauron, Emperor Palpatine and Shai’Tan decided to take over Hogwarts?
SERVO: if Hogwarts is evil, and they fight Voldemort who is evil... then what are Harry and David?
CROW: Morons.
convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.
MIKE: The author never made it passed the two first pages when he read the book, has he?
He wept all night long because of this.
MIKE: David turned him into a wuss!
SERVO: Maybe Old Yeller was on TV that night.
"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.
MIKE: You should go into hiding, David, people will hate you for what you did to their favourite hero.
SERVO: He’s already in hiding. He wrote the End of Evangelion.
"Yes, Harry?" replied David.
"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?"
"The demons that you once embezzled will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.
CROW: So David will follow Harry?
"But if God is for you, then who can be against you?
SERVO: Anyone with common sense?
Go, and spread the word.
MIKE: Actually, just go and phone the police.
You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter.
SERVO: since when?
MIKE: There’s a deeper meaning, you see. Harry Potter books are read thorough the world, so basically, Harry is in a position of power.
SERVO: ...No way the author can be that clever.
Now it's time you used it for good."
Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend,
MIKE: The kitchen sink is more profound and genuine than that guy.
Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.
SERVO: So this whole adventure has been a total waste of time.
CROW: So, from super-powered destined child wizard to a homeless bum in the course of a week… man, this really ain’t advertisement for Christianity.
But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.
CROW: He was found three days later in a scrap yard, dead.
-End-
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[The fanfic ends, and is replaced on the TV by static]
SERVO: I think my eyes are bleeding. Are my eyes bleeding?
CROW: You have no eyes!
MIKE: (To himself) After that, they’re never coming back down…
[The high-pitched voice of Dr. Erhardt brings Mike and the bots back to reality. The static slowly fades from the tv to reveal a closeup of the mad scientist’s face]
DR. ERHARDT: So, how was it? Broken your spirit yet?
MIKE: Close, but no.
DR. ERHARDT: Well, it’s closer than Clay ever managed to get. I’ll get you next time!
[The tv automatically turns itself off. Crow tries to turn it back on, but the screen remains blank. Tom Servo exits Cambot’s field of view for a moment, and comes back with Tzigane. Both have spaghetti on their head.]
MIKE: What are you two doing?
SERVO: We came to save you Mike! I’ve already saved Tzigane by showing her that the only true salvation is through the flying spaghetti monster. You need to join us too!
MIKE: Why? Why can’t you just let me be myself? My beliefs aren’t hurting anyone.
TZIGANE: The flying spaghetti monster taught us three things: To tolerate other people’s belief, to accept them, and once they believe we tolerate and accept them, to crush them!
[Tzigane and Servo move toward Mike menacingly. The human moves back, but is soon met by the living room wall].
CROW (off-screen): Hey, guys, I think I have the answer to your questions.
[Cambot’s field of view turns to Crow, who is staring out the window, the others join him].
MIKE: Huh… well, that explains a lot.
SERVO: So, THAT’s the one true faith.
TZIGANE: Gotta admit, it makes a lot of sense, when you think about it.
[The field screen reads: CAMBOT BATTERY LOW].
End of episode 1