manga: Empty Mind

[Red Wolf]

Hi!!

I started making a manga :shock: its my first one though.. so dont be to harsh on me
but usefull comments are welcome :smile:
I finished 13 pages so far :smile:.. only the sketches though..
I'll upload the digital version later maybe.. :dead:


Some info:

Name: Empty Mind
Characters: Kyougi, Kitami, Tanaka
Genre: Slice of life, Comedy?? don't know if its really humor, at least I tried :sad:

Well.. here are the pages:

Spoiler: 1

http://i28.tinypic.com/2dkl28l.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 2

http://i29.tinypic.com/if8m4o.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 3

http://i25.tinypic.com/szz884.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 4

http://i26.tinypic.com/21cz14h.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 5

http://i28.tinypic.com/nmx9g2.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 6

http://i30.tinypic.com/zx7ix0.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 7

http://i28.tinypic.com/23j31g5.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 8

http://i31.tinypic.com/21e9hkg.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 9

http://i32.tinypic.com/4v0dbp.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 10

http://i25.tinypic.com/rs8l8w.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 11

http://i31.tinypic.com/dfahci.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 12

http://i26.tinypic.com/w1p8aw.jpg[/img]

Spoiler: 13

http://i30.tinypic.com/2qbys0p.jpg[/img]

so... to be continued?

 

[bashful crobat]

Learn how to trace properly.

Well, even if they aren't traces, Lucky Star and Azumanga are not something you should be blatantly ripping off.

 

[Despain]

Well, the title is certainly fitting...

putting aside the obvious (fdsafdaanime), this thing is im-fucking-possible to follow or make sense of.

Really, it doesn't have any sort of cohesive story or flow to it at all. My biggest suggestion would be to stop trying to emulate your favorite anime and manga, but try to create something that's actually yours. I know, you're probably going to completely disregard this because it's an "attack on your interests" or some other bullshit, but trying to mimic popular manga is not a good way to approach comic writing.

If you're serious, there are a number of books on how to tell a good story in comics. I'd think that to begin with, take a look at this, it might help you with pacing and structure. Will Eisner's stuff is aso great, this one looks like it might be helpful, though I haven't read it myself.

On the plus side, your lines are clean and your lettering is readable.

 

[Skyla Doragono]

Aside from the blatant tracing... was there supposed to be any point to that?  O_o;;;

 

[Ratty524]

Since many of you didn't get the storyline, I'll explain.

Spoiler

You see, this teenage girl named JAPFAGWTFAWAFWS is looking at hentai a troll spammed and she gets PISSTO! Then her alarm clock goes off (it seems to like tutu's, by the way) and they it gets raped by some RANDOM stuffed bear. The girl tells the comic reader "I'm leaving bye" and THEN some other girl appears, who is JAPFAGWTFAWAFWS's twin. This girl, named JAPGIBBERISHBLAHBLAH makes a stupid pose, and falls. Then this RANDOM OTHER CHICK appears, named Flat-Chan, who turns EEEEEVIL! Flat-Chan poses like a winged bat-like freak and grows sharp teeth like a vampire, AND THEN JAPFAGWTFAWAFWS transforms into a Powerpuff Girl and runs to class.

Sleeping in class, JAPFAGWTFAWAFWS dreams of being "logged on" and saying hi to her partner, KIE-YOUU, only to wake up and say "ding dong dang dong". Now everyone is eating some weird-looking shoe, and JAPGIBBERISHBLAHBLAH is trying out of a milk carton like a five-year-old. Flat-Chan comments on how she's a cheater, because milk helps with breast growth... Yeah. Suddenly, an equal sign appears that has the words "stare" written above it, as well as an arrow with the words "flat" written above it. AND NOW there is a Lest, and they got till 5 to finish it. OH NOES!

Now the test is over, and it was really easy, JAPFAGWTFAWAFWS notices a tomogotchi, and throws a rock at it for "the mystic reason", causing a "skong" sound. Flat-Chan cries about it and the story ends.

... Yeah. Dr. Slump was a manga series with little to NO storyline depth or any real point, yet it had MUCH better structure than this. The artist who made that series didn't trace, either.

Ratty, just because it's a long post doesn't mean it's not spam. Nothing in this post was at all relevant.

 

[Sparx-1]

Well, it could be better. I got a few chuckles here and there and the art style was okay, but please try to make it a bit more coherent next time. ^^

 

[Venetia]

Tracing or not, you should consider starting your comic-making career with learning proper spelling and grammar.

 

[Samhatake]

These comics were great! :thumb:
I can't make any because I cant draw a straight line  :tongue:
Its goofy and has no point but oh well, its good. Good Job!
P.S, No really, I can't draw a straight line

 

[kip]

its just me or it awfully remind me of lucky star

 

[Sic Semper Tyranosaurus]

I don't really read any manga you're being accused of ripping off, but I can take issue with one thing:

TUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTUTU

SKONG

What goes skong? What the fuck kind of onomatopoeia is SKONG?! Nothing on God's green Earth goes skong! Nothing!

 

[Despain]

your mom said "skong" last night

SKA-ONG!!!!

 

[OS]

IMHO, this has potential! All you have to do is add a bit more...um...depth...to your scenes. I don't really give a flying @#$% about how your characters look or how they got that way, but the timing in your scenes is really throwing me off. I mean, you need to maybe add a page showing the main character's family (so we know who the hell she's saying bye to), and perhaps explaining more about each character would be wise, and you especially need to add more dialog between characters.

Good luck.

~OS