Little poem.

[Zackwell]

This is a little rhyme,
A rhyme made my me.
Because I have the time,
Until three.

The rhythm is strange,
The rhyme is awry
But it's so pained
It's no lie...

Innocence in shell
Tiny fingers of sound
Can't tell...
What we never found...

Just for a while
As you read
Muster a smile
For a poem so sweet.

Say goodbye.
This little poem
Will have to die

When you leave.

~Zackwell

 

[ErlanUltima]

What can I say? Cool!

 

[Flickayy]

Wow, nice poem. I love how it rhymes :thumb:

 

[Zackwell]

Thanks guys.
I was looking for that certain emotion... Of confused innocence...

I was inspired by the sadness that comes from children all over the world who die before they can even comprehend the concept of death...

And how when love stops... And help dissapears, they fade as if they never existed...

 

[Ellie]

Tbh I'm not a fan of poems describing themselves, especially when it seems half of the poem is just that.

This sentence is a good sentence but it is aroused with fear and anguish from a torn past; I like chocolate spread

It rhymes, I'll give you that.

I completely didn't get this verse:

Innocence in shell
Tiny fingers of sound
Can't tell...
What we never found...

Innocence in shell?
Fingers of sound?

 

[Zackwell]

"Innocence in shell..."
The child's body is the shell. I say shell, because of two things.
It's fragile, like an egg shell,
and because the child lacks the feelings and emotion that makes a child you'd find in a proper family...
The shell, that's left of the child, is filled by innocence.

"Fingers of sound..."
The fingers of sound are the pleas of the weak, reaching out through sounds and words as if to beg for food.

"Can't tell...
What we never found"
This line pretty much shows how some children can be heard, but it's too late to help them, or they're already dead. It shows that children in poverty are so common, that they almost fade out of existence as they live. Slowly getting weaker until they perish, and no-one would miss them or remember them.

 

[Ellie]

O..oh. Sorry but nothing in that poem would have told me all that.

 

[Zackwell]

That's because you didn't write it X3 I actually just wrote down a load of crap that looked like a poem, stuck it here, and started coming up with the complex metaphors that I explained earler.

 

[Ellie]

Hmm. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of poetry but I at least like it to have some thought and make some sense. But ok.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

A poem isn't very effective if nobody but the writer understands the metaphors.

 

[Zackwell]

You make a very valid point there Dadevster.

I'd post my other material, but it's far too emo for me to be able to post. X3

P.S. I'm not an emo really.

 

[Stardust]

First, I have to say that your formatting here was horrible. It didn't flow well at all. It felt like I was stumbling over myself when I was reading it, which isn't good and doesn't fit this type of poem. Little things like this:

Say goodbye.
This little poem
Will have to die

When you leave.

are a no-no. I get that you're trying to create emphasis, but it completely breaks that last line off from the rest of it. What was worst was how your syllables per line varied so greatly. Like here:

Innocence in shell
Tiny fingers of sound
Can't tell...
What we never found...

Ti-ny fin-gers of sound. That's 6 syllables. Can't tell. That's 2. You need to even that out somehow because it created an awkwardness in reading it.

And it felt very...faked. It's almost like you were trying to get around saying what you really wanted to say. I can tell just by looking at it that you've edited it a million times, which I'm not a fan of. Poetry is best when it's spontaneous. I also didn't feel like you connected to the poem except in the innocence segment. The rest felt like filler to take the place of something else. You can't make good poetry if you don't embrace whatever emotions you're feeling, in my opinion. If you have some emo poetry that's good, post it! Everyone has emotions and feeling sadness or hurt doesn't make you emo. Plus I think everyone would rather hear really good emo poetry than something you aren't connecting with. Embrace who you are and you'll do a lot better! :wink:

 

[Zackwell]

Well, Guardian...
To start with, I'll tell you this:
The poem states that the rhythm is awry, and the poem has no set rhythm.
I made it so that the reader would stumble.
This is the whole point, to create confusion, and to make you question what's going on.

I've only edited the poem twice here, for spelling errors. :blush:
Other than that, It's how it was to start with it.

As for my other material...
I'll take your advice and post it...
When I find it... (Stupid virus, eating my files...)

 

[Stardust]

Well, Guardian...
To start with, I'll tell you this:
The poem states that the rhythm is awry, and the poem has no set rhythm.
I made it so that the reader would stumble.
This is the whole point, to create confusion, and to make you question what's going on.

I've only edited the poem twice here, for spelling errors. :blush:
Other than that, It's how it was to start with it.

Apologies if that's what you were going for. I guess I'm just not a fan of it. Oh well that was just my opinion. And definitely show us what else you've got when you find it! :thumb:

 

[mawk]

This is the whole point, to create confusion, and to make you question what's going on.

cop-out answer. if you really wanna do this with your art, go dada or go home. there's HURR THIS POEM IS BAD HUH GUYS, which is awkward, pretentious, and ineffectual, and then there's ANTI-ART, which is still pretentious, but at least it accomplishes what it's meant to.

the poem itself reads like five-minute bs. doesn't evoke an image. doesn't evoke a feeling. it's just basic rhymes for the hell of it, but you knew that already.

if this poem is crap, and if you know that it's crap, and you're gonna admit this, why did you post it here in the first place? it's sort of a dick move to post some total bullshit for the hell of it. this subforum is bad enough, and you're just exacerbating things.

 

[Zackwell]

Calm down Mawk... We can't ALL be as AWESOME as you.
There, now I've offended you.
So, sorry I offended you.

Seriously, It's a poem... It's a crap one, but I daresay if a little five year old kid came up to you with a crappy poem, you wouldn't be like that to them.

 

[mawk]

depends if they were doing it legit or if he was all HURR THIS POEM IS BAD HUH GUYS like you are.

Calm down mawk... We can't ALL be as AWESOME as you.

it's actually quite easy, but damned if I've seen many try.

also I fixed a spelling error, no need to thank me

 

[Zackwell]

Very well.
I wanna like you, mawk.
I might come accross as an ass... But that's me trying to be friendly in my thoroughly incorrect manner.