Little Bowman *Updated Story and Character Info*

[Chalupa]

Little Bowman

Spoiler: Plot

The plot focuses on you, the main Character.
In the beginning of the game, your brother tells you to go
out searching for berries in the forest that had a sudden outbreak
of monsters. He gives you a bow, and 50 gold to
buy arrows, when you notice that the shop owners are
gone(which is unusual seeing as people born and raised
in this village seldom leave), and then overhear's townspeople
Saying that they say the two leaving in the middle of
the night. When you enter the forest, you see 2 people
dressed in cloaks doing a ritual in the forest saying: "Rekai
Otun Ensog Eon". They notice you, and randomly vanish.
After you gather the berries and head back into town, you are
knocked out by one of the cloaked people. You wake up in a house,
to a cloaked person tending to your wounds. He explains
that the other two were actually the shop owners and,
that the ritual they were doing was awakening the Dark
Being Eon and because you had witnessed it, they were going to kill you.
Right before they killed you, a 3rd cloaked person comes in and teleported
you to the house you were in. After explaining everything,
the cloaked Shop Keeps come in and try to kill you. The 3rd
Cloaked Person grabs you, sending you to the City of Ionis
(Eye-oh-nis). The rest of the plot involves you defeating
Eon. (In other words, I'm still working on it.)

Spoiler: Characters

Good Guys:

Name: Hero (You name him)
Age: 14
Sex: Male
Weight: 51kg
Blood Type: O
Description: Accidentally witnessed the Awakening of the Dark Being Eon. After learning all about Eon, he makes his ultimate goal to destroy Eon for good. He is also set out to find and kill the two shop-keeps so they can't harm any one in his village.

Name: Brother (Name never mentioned)
Age: 20
Sex: Male
Weight: 55kg
Blood Type: AB
Description: Acts as a father to Hero and Sister, and is skilled in Magic. After many hours of Hero not returning home from collecting Berries, he finds a false dead body of Hero, and although he knew it was fake, he buried it. He soon leaves to go to Magi Council and request a search party for his brother.

Name: Sister (Name never mentioned)
Age: 9
Sex: Female
Weight: 25kg
Blood Type: B
Description: A huge brat who enjoys tormenting Hero. She's a skilled thief, and is incredibly pleased to hear that Hero "died". When Brother sets out to the Magi Council, she assumes that he loved Hero more than her and leaves. Her whereabouts where unknown after this.

Name: Cloaked Person 3* (Name unknown for now)
Age: Unknown
Sex: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Blood Type: Unknown
Description: Save's Hero's life whenever he was attacked by the Shop-keeps, and explained to him why they attacked him and what he witnessed in the forest. Whenever the Shop-keeps come to try to murder him again, he grabs Hero and teleports him to Ionis.

Bad Guys:

Name: Jean
Age: 30?
Sex: Female
Weight: 50kg?
Blood Type: AB
Description: A shop keeper, and one of the people who knocked you out in the forest. She was involved with the awaking of Eon.

Name: Rick
Age: 45?
Sex: Male
Weight: 60kg?
Blood Type: O
Description: A shop keeper, and one of the people who knocked you out in the forest.
He was involved with the awaking of Eon.
Name: Eon
Age: N/A
Sex: Unknown
Weight: N/A
Blood Type: Earth
Description: The Dark Being. Legends and Books say he has multiple forms, but no one knows if this is true. There is reason to believe that he wants to destroy the Earth, for unknown reasons.

*Not positive this person is a "Good Guy"

Spoiler: Screenshots

I'm on my mom's laptop, please allow me about 15 minutes for my computer to get a new fan installed!The fan that we bought was damaged, so I'm going to have to wait about a day.

Spoiler: Scripts

The only script I am using is Requiem ABS. It's simple, but I certainly do like it.

Discuss?

 

[Crystalgate]

Your story needs to be fleshed out a bit.

Who gives the main character a bow? Second, the shop keepers behaves awfully strange. If they are leaving town to perform a forbidden ritual, can't they sneak out during night when nobody is expected to visit them and perform the ritual then instead? If secrecy is that important, the shopkeepers should have covered themselves better. Also, if they have to kill the main character, why don't they do so while he's unconscious? If they are comfortable with killing a child, there's no reason to hesitate. If they are uncomfortable with killing a child, they definitely want to avoid having the child pleading to them not to kill him thus making the task even harder. There's also no reason for them to explain what's going on.

I must give you kudos for turning shop keepers into villains though. Normally those people does nothing but wait behind their counter for passing heroes to show up buy their stuff.

The character descriptions are very sparse. Main character's little sister is described just as a brat and the other characters have no personalty description at all. Personality and their current role is the most important thing to describe, weight and blood type are relative uninteresting. For example, why is the main character proficient with a bow and what does he do? What kind of person is he? (unless he's a silent main of course)

Look over your story and make sure that people are doing things that makes sense to do. If they don't, there should at least be an explanation to why they make a senseless decision. Add more description to the characters as well.

 

[Chalupa]

Thanks kindly for the critique, I'll start working on that right away. I'm glad you like the fact that the Shopkeepers are weirdo pagans set out to summon a dark being that, although it may seem a bit cliche, is probably out to destroy the world.

 

[Crystalgate]

Whoa, calling the hero's sister a brat was an understatement! She seems extremely mean and resourceful for being 9. Is she a female version of the evil boy in Good Son?

It does seem a bit strange that the hero just decides to go out on a quest to defeat Eon like that. What makes him think he can succeed? However, trying to do something about the two shopkeepers seems like a reasonable goal. After all, he cannot exactly go back home and start living like before while there are two guys there wanting to kill him. Maybe you should start with him going after the shopkeepers instead and while he does so, he ends up drawn into the struggle against Eon as well? Regardless, the hero needs more reasons for going after Eon before he makes such a decision if it's going to be something one can accept with suspension of disbelief.

 

[Chalupa]

She's messed up in the head, but not THAT messed up O.O Imma have to tell my mom that one of my characters was compared to one of the most fucked up characters I've ever seen, and that was only the abridged version O_O

 

[Chalupa]

Bump-bumpity-bump-bump-bump

 

[Chalupa]

BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP BUMP BBBBUUUHMMPP

Do NOT bump your topic unless you have changed the first post, in which case you should say what has changed in your bumping post (therefore not being a bump). Bumping a thread with no new content is a big no. ~wyatt

 

[dadevvtsvre]

To be honest, there isn't much else to comment on. Crystalgate pretty much hit the main points on the plot, and you still having updated any of the character's personality and only lightly touch on their goals. I honestly don't know what you are expecting people to comment on considering there still aren't any screenshots either.

You won't get any more comments unless you add more to your thread and get some screenshots.

 

[Chalupa]

I got my fan in the mail, I'll install it later today.