Cole Iverson
Member
Coming soon....a bigger and better version.....Grammer is terrible supposevly....so yes i will re do it and make it alot better
Just read it and then tell me what you think!!!!
- Thread starter Cole Iverson
- Start date
OK, there's a lot of room for improvement. I don't have enough time to point to specific errors, so I'll generalize for now.
The first thing you should work on is your grammar. You have a lot of run-on sentences and punctuation errors which ruined any flow. Also, you need to separate the second part. It looks like a giant blob of text and it would be much easier to read if you separated it better.
Now, to the story itself. I see a lot of potential in the storyline, but it's not executed correctly. First of all, it really needs to be longer. You're trying to tell a long story with minimal effort, but it came out badly. You went into the "They went here, then here" trap, and that's not good. Take the time to describe what's going on instead of narrating like it's unimportant. Every scene in a story should be important, or you don't need the scene.
The first paragraph is a bad habit. You're going through the history before you get into the story. When someone starts reading, they really don't need details. Explain the scenario through the interactions and conversations instead of trying to sum it up in the beginning.
Also, you're lacking any real description of the areas. The reader doesn't feel the environment. The purpose behind writing is to immerse the reader in the world you've created, and that really doesn't happen with this.
I'd suggest slowing down and taking your time with it. It has a lot of potential, but it felt like you rushed to get it down. If you need me to specify certain areas where you could improve, I'll try to do that when I have more time.
The first thing you should work on is your grammar. You have a lot of run-on sentences and punctuation errors which ruined any flow. Also, you need to separate the second part. It looks like a giant blob of text and it would be much easier to read if you separated it better.
Now, to the story itself. I see a lot of potential in the storyline, but it's not executed correctly. First of all, it really needs to be longer. You're trying to tell a long story with minimal effort, but it came out badly. You went into the "They went here, then here" trap, and that's not good. Take the time to describe what's going on instead of narrating like it's unimportant. Every scene in a story should be important, or you don't need the scene.
The first paragraph is a bad habit. You're going through the history before you get into the story. When someone starts reading, they really don't need details. Explain the scenario through the interactions and conversations instead of trying to sum it up in the beginning.
Also, you're lacking any real description of the areas. The reader doesn't feel the environment. The purpose behind writing is to immerse the reader in the world you've created, and that really doesn't happen with this.
I'd suggest slowing down and taking your time with it. It has a lot of potential, but it felt like you rushed to get it down. If you need me to specify certain areas where you could improve, I'll try to do that when I have more time.