Internalised Homophobia

[Ellie]

Sorry folks as I just need somewhere to hash this out really...

I am beginning more and more to realise this is a serious thing that I am laboured with.

I am the most liberal person I know. Probably too much so; I'm the sort of person whose entire mantra is "Do what you like as long as it hurts no-one else".

I was bullied for my entire school years because I lost six front teeth at the same time and got a lisp (which obviously meant one thing: I was gay). My nickname for a decade was literally gayboy. Nobody called me by my name, I was just gayboy.

I was so scared of doing anything that might be effeminite. I got rid of toys that I loved because they were girly toys. I shunned all my friends because they were girls. Basically I became scared of doing anything that might lead people to think I was gay. And I probably hurt a lot of close gay friends along the way because I was scared to associate with them.

Now I find myself on the verge of a crisis, and need to come out, need the world to know about me. But I find myself picking my words carefully. I feel need to preface everything with I'm not gay but. I like girls but. Truth is I am gay, just not how they think; I am lesbian, as I am a girl who likes girls. But why do I feel need to add that to anything I say?

When I came out to my sister all she really said to me was "well you must be a tomboy because this isn't you". My parents were similarly reasoned: I'm transgender, but that doesn't mean I need to change anything, because changing my external sex doesn't mean I need to act any different or wear anything any different.

Well actually while I don't need to, I love pink, I love dresses, and cute skirts; I like looking sexy and I like my cleavage. I know that the world being a progressive world I do not have to dress girly, but I want to, because that is me.

Until I can get over the hurdle of trying to construe anything I say in a way that protects me from being seen as being gay, I cannot progress.

So why am I, who sees themself as the world's most liberal person™, so worried someone might think I like cock?

 

[coyotecraft]

There's a quote I want to pull out at times like this, but I never know how appropriate it is.
"You wouldn't care so much what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do."
I think your a considerate person. And it shows a strength of character to mind other people.

I've been reading about epicureanism, lately. The philosophy had this concept about inner tranquility and self-sufficiency.
The goal is to have relationships but not need them. Like it's great to drink water when your thirsty, but better still to drink enough water and eliminate the thirst entirely. There is a kind of pleasure in having something and knowing you don't need it. Friendships, colleagues, and so on, are considered [natural] but [unnecessary] desires. You can indulge in them, but it's dangerous to become obsessed with them because thinking you need them disrupts what they call your ataraxia - your inner peace.
The desire to love is considered [unnatural] and [unnecessary] and should be avoided because it's sure to mess you up. Like if you don't love drinking beer, you shouldn't start drinking it hoping to acquire a taste for it.

I think the desire for recognition might be [natural] but [unnecessary]. Because the thing with identity is, you're a complex human being with lots of aspect to you. You don't have any 1 truth. And you don't actually exist in the minds of others. Satisfying your ego in this case could just disrupt your inner peace because, as you said, you're a liberal person. You don't need people to know everything about you.
I think at the end of the day you'll end up asking yourself why you went through the trouble of changing peoples mind.

 

[Remi_Chan]

I had always been hetero, until i realized I probably fit a women's profile best, hence the medications started and then i just had a funny little realization to myself.

"I'm gay as fuck."

I knew my immediate family would have more trouble processing the trans bit than gayness, and they were chill about both. Our childhoods also largely differ.

Where you were shunned and bullied for a condition you didn't even know you had, or perhaps did but were too fearful to embrace- I likewise had students pick on me for what i was, but i didn't see their opinion as anything valuable. The upsides of being an antisocial outcast were that i found little worth in people's musings and opinions... such apathy is my companion to this day when it comes to people looking to slander me for reasons they themselves probably don't know.

I've had people breathe in my face and call me tranny, queer, and more colorful things.

I respond: "You are afraid."

And they are, the being which they stand against they challenge because they do not understand it, for them they can't bring it upon themselves to think of me as naught more than an abomination, but it is them who has truly embraced the ugly side of things. It... probably helped I was more attractive than them, ahaha.

You have grown thinking that homosexuality is wrong, and that being transgender makes you a freak.

It doesn't... let me speak to you not as a lesbian, or a trans person but as- you.

You are valid, your cosmetic details like gender and sexuality do not define your worth, you do that each day everyday. The people who cannot appreciate that fact, are those who cannot relate to being worth precious more than a pinch of dogshit.

When people ask me: Why did I turn into a girl? My answer is "It sounded fun! And I'm glad i did, as oh what fun i am having."

Some accept this simple answer, some can't accept it, however, and should they ask further, or chide me for my presumed recklessness, I ask them this.

"Would you understand any better, had I a good reason?"

People are wont to try and fight for the piece of you they foolishly think will be lost if you "join the dakr side" as some put it. The reason i may no longer hang with such people is because in my journey i had discovered some things about them which were not very pleasant.

If they see transitioning as a sin, then a sin is sin all the same. No reason no matter how good, would appease their ideals.

I also do not deem it necessary to provide one, if they truly can't just accept that this is the way things are, then they are beneath my acknowledgement.

Hybrida was such an imbecile, to an outlandish extreme. But he was like a toodler with a wet pool noodle after some confrontations I've had, but a bitter reminder his breed who wear the mark of regress still exist.

Deep down, he like so many- are scared. They imagine the absolute extremes of this "condition" and whip themselves into a panic of fervor and frenzy, condemning trans people as abominations who may do terrible things to the world.

It is not a gender which creates such vile acts, it is human nature, and hypocritically, these apes masquerading as "saviors of stability" are often perfect examples human nature taken to an extreme degree.

TERFS are a good example. A group of weaklings, so scared of progress they would seek stasis. They exhibit similarly regressive traits and function as handbreaks on humanity.

The good news is, very few among them have any influence, the reason J.K. Rowling is often scapegoated is because there aren't many others so rigid in their ideals as her.

Having regressive ideals in itself isn't the problem, it's weaponizing those ideals that is.

The takeaway from all this is that there are good people who will accept you regardless of cosmetic changes.

The ones who don't? To dust. Erase them, you don't need that shit. They are replaceable, after all a machine can spout insults and think it's intelligent.

The people who you want to be with are the ones who don't care, such as myself. I learned to separate human nature and cosmetic changes long ago, eons before I went trans.

We are the outcome of our decisions, it is up to us to have pride in them, not anyone else. The moment we can feel proud of ourselves and the choices that got us here, the easier it will be for others to accept that this is the way things will be.

So, don't lose faith in yourself or your identity... you can be whoever you want to be- and damn anyone who says you can't.