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Immaculate Grace- A Short Dribble

~Immaculate Grace~

The girl made her way across the street to the edge of the bridge. she chuckled to herself at the fact that she looked both ways before doing so. So ironic.

when she reached the end of her route, she looked down at the body of water before her. Such calmness. Such beauty. It kind of reminded her of her mother.

Her striking beauty and docile nature had snagged her a strong, hard working husband. He was a generous man, filling her pockets with money as much as he filled her skin with bruises and scars.

He hadn't always been like that to her mother, she was sure. But sometime in her seventeen years of life he changed,

She was trapped, her mother, as water inside the confines of a cup.

She closed her eyes and breathed in, letting her nostrils be filled with the aroma of the shifting water. Her mother's perfume always calmed her when she was in distress. she opened her eyes and absentmindedly kicked a pebble over the edge. she watched intently as it plunged across the air into the water. the water caught it safely with small, calm ripples.

Her mother was the water. Docile and beautiful. vital for her existence, for one cannot do without water; she could not do without her mother.

It is common knowledge that water can put out fire. But that is only when the volume of the water is larger than that of the flame, so how could a single beautiful droplet of water compete with the ferocity and unpredictability of the open wildfire that was her father?

She had received so much from the water. It had, after all, given her life. And while the water could offer no more than a shambling raft as a home, she was grateful, and cherished her life.

But she loved her mother more than she did her life. So she climbed over the ledge of the bridge, closed her eyes, and stepped into the embrace of the body of water. She smiled.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

hey, so I wrote this short dribble, or whatever you want to call it, after reading a suicide note I found when I was fifteen. I think I might adapt it into an RPG game later. But for now I am happy of how it came out.

what did you guys think? did you like it? did it invoke emotions of pity?
any criticism is welcome and appreciated!!
 
Sorta beautiful.

There are mistakes here and there, I think you should notice those- the comma at the end of the seventeen years of life sentence, capitalize vital, etc.

I sorta got lost someway through. Did she marry her father or something? What I read was that she was beautiful, and got a man, who abuses her. Then suddenly, the next sentence says
"He hadn't always been like that to her mother, she was sure. But sometime in her seventeen years of life he changed"
Which was like total o.0. I think you should rephrase that, to make it refer to the fact that it's talking about the father, because I'm just reading that and thinking that it's refering to her husband... who was her father or some shit like that.

I felt like it got a bit rambling later on, but the last sentence was fine.
 

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