I wrote this today, please read as I'm quite proud of it. Just in case some of you get confused or offended for some reason, this is a freakin SATTIRE/JOKE, calm down!
For decades now a war has raged on witha ferocity that rivals another war from George Bushwhich I'm sure you all know all too well. The stakes in this decades old war have been great, with each side spending millions of dollars in hopes of gaining the upper hand. And yet, despite the obviously and whole heartedly good intentions of our divine government, there are some people (even in our own courts!) who support the devil that is the video game industry. As pixellated and polygonical figures crawl into our children's ears as they sleep and dine on their brains, some believe these devilish creations to be harmless. But what is the truth?
I set out to find out. This study, along with collections of other information that began shortly after the beginning of time, prove that in the years in which the first video game was created (in which one dot chased another in an effort to anally rape and murder it) children have begun to become more gay, use more drugs, and more violent.
To understand the truth behind this horrifying fact, we must begin by exploring the history of video games. I have already explained the first video game to you, but I left out one fact that will chill most God fearing Americans to the bone: both dots were male. Not surprisingly, since the release of this game, the number of gay marriages has sky rocketed. If we jump ahead roughly three decades, we can find games that actually allow the player to form gay relationships with other characters in the game. I've already explained that gay marriages have been increasing since the years that video games started developing. but now I have something to say that you may find equally as disturbing: thepopulation of San Francisco is also increasing. Is it any coincidence that while cities like San Francisco grow, church attendence continues to decline?
So, without question, the assertion that videogames make gays is irrevocably true. But what else was left to discover as I continued to delve into the bottomless underworld of the living Sin that is the video game industry? Some of you may not want to continue as the truth it more than shocking. To the rest- read on with caution and heavy hearts.
I set out to discover the game that had truly turned the world on to gaming. After asking several unsightly looking 'gamers' (as they call themselves) I was led to a 1979 game called 'Pacman'. Look carefully at this picture. Notice anything wrong? If you don't, it may already be too late for you; the video game industry, as I was quickly discovering, was using subliminal messages to brainwash children and adults alike. I decided to investigate. I enhanced a picture of one of the dots that this 'Pacman' seemed to be gobbling up with such joy, and I realized what it truly was. Do you see it now? That's ecstasy. And those ghosts? Part of an acid induced hallucination. My first thoughts were denial, despite the obvious proof. But then I came to a mortifying realization: the video game industry owned the drug trade. Is it any coincidence that during the 80's, recreational drug use reached an all time high? Video gaming is now the fastest growing industry as more and more children succumb to the effects of the drugs they are clearly on thanks to the never ending cycle of drug use and game creation that the industry owners have created.
Gays and drugs... I needed more. Originally, I had thought that the only redeeming quality about video games was that they had the ability to teach children violence against other countries like Japan, Germany, the Middle East, and Russia, and any of it's spin-off countries. However, upon investigating more modern games I discovered something that broke my heartlike when your H2 Hummer runs over a Bald Eagle and crushes it in such a way that you can't mount its head on your wall. From the same shoddy looking 'gamers' I had spoken with earlier, I was told to check out a series of games called Grand Theft Auto which apparently allow American on American violence.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I ventured onward in search of the recommended games. To my supreme relief, after playing a few minutes of San Andreas, I felt rested because, despite the drug use, language, and sex talk, most of the time in the game was spent killing Mexicans. Then I moved on to Vice City, where I mostly killed Cubans and Haitians. Surely those hordes of illegal immigrants is not what they meant by Americans. I felt ready for the last game which took place in the fictional city of Liberty City. The game blew me away- the player kills other Americans! I found this so horrifying that I leapt up and grabbed my pistol. I sat for some time with it pointed at my head ready to squeeze the trigger, until I realized what that would mean: the video game industry would be winning- I would be killing an American citizen. So I put the gun down and tried to figure out what to do.
I submitted myself to solitude where I spent most of my time watching Red Dawn and crying. And then I had an idea. Destroy Japan, the base of all of these animated sins, and break San Francisco away from the country by sending the machine shown in this documentary to the center of the Earth to create a quake large enough to fully remove San Francisco from the rest of the country.
Then nuke it.
Although I'm sure you're already convinced, since you've read this report, I need you to get out there and convince everyone else to get to work completing these two goals before we raise an entire generation of drug addict gay violent Americans.
For decades now a war has raged on witha ferocity that rivals another war from George Bushwhich I'm sure you all know all too well. The stakes in this decades old war have been great, with each side spending millions of dollars in hopes of gaining the upper hand. And yet, despite the obviously and whole heartedly good intentions of our divine government, there are some people (even in our own courts!) who support the devil that is the video game industry. As pixellated and polygonical figures crawl into our children's ears as they sleep and dine on their brains, some believe these devilish creations to be harmless. But what is the truth?
I set out to find out. This study, along with collections of other information that began shortly after the beginning of time, prove that in the years in which the first video game was created (in which one dot chased another in an effort to anally rape and murder it) children have begun to become more gay, use more drugs, and more violent.
To understand the truth behind this horrifying fact, we must begin by exploring the history of video games. I have already explained the first video game to you, but I left out one fact that will chill most God fearing Americans to the bone: both dots were male. Not surprisingly, since the release of this game, the number of gay marriages has sky rocketed. If we jump ahead roughly three decades, we can find games that actually allow the player to form gay relationships with other characters in the game. I've already explained that gay marriages have been increasing since the years that video games started developing. but now I have something to say that you may find equally as disturbing: thepopulation of San Francisco is also increasing. Is it any coincidence that while cities like San Francisco grow, church attendence continues to decline?
So, without question, the assertion that videogames make gays is irrevocably true. But what else was left to discover as I continued to delve into the bottomless underworld of the living Sin that is the video game industry? Some of you may not want to continue as the truth it more than shocking. To the rest- read on with caution and heavy hearts.
I set out to discover the game that had truly turned the world on to gaming. After asking several unsightly looking 'gamers' (as they call themselves) I was led to a 1979 game called 'Pacman'. Look carefully at this picture. Notice anything wrong? If you don't, it may already be too late for you; the video game industry, as I was quickly discovering, was using subliminal messages to brainwash children and adults alike. I decided to investigate. I enhanced a picture of one of the dots that this 'Pacman' seemed to be gobbling up with such joy, and I realized what it truly was. Do you see it now? That's ecstasy. And those ghosts? Part of an acid induced hallucination. My first thoughts were denial, despite the obvious proof. But then I came to a mortifying realization: the video game industry owned the drug trade. Is it any coincidence that during the 80's, recreational drug use reached an all time high? Video gaming is now the fastest growing industry as more and more children succumb to the effects of the drugs they are clearly on thanks to the never ending cycle of drug use and game creation that the industry owners have created.
Gays and drugs... I needed more. Originally, I had thought that the only redeeming quality about video games was that they had the ability to teach children violence against other countries like Japan, Germany, the Middle East, and Russia, and any of it's spin-off countries. However, upon investigating more modern games I discovered something that broke my heartlike when your H2 Hummer runs over a Bald Eagle and crushes it in such a way that you can't mount its head on your wall. From the same shoddy looking 'gamers' I had spoken with earlier, I was told to check out a series of games called Grand Theft Auto which apparently allow American on American violence.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I ventured onward in search of the recommended games. To my supreme relief, after playing a few minutes of San Andreas, I felt rested because, despite the drug use, language, and sex talk, most of the time in the game was spent killing Mexicans. Then I moved on to Vice City, where I mostly killed Cubans and Haitians. Surely those hordes of illegal immigrants is not what they meant by Americans. I felt ready for the last game which took place in the fictional city of Liberty City. The game blew me away- the player kills other Americans! I found this so horrifying that I leapt up and grabbed my pistol. I sat for some time with it pointed at my head ready to squeeze the trigger, until I realized what that would mean: the video game industry would be winning- I would be killing an American citizen. So I put the gun down and tried to figure out what to do.
I submitted myself to solitude where I spent most of my time watching Red Dawn and crying. And then I had an idea. Destroy Japan, the base of all of these animated sins, and break San Francisco away from the country by sending the machine shown in this documentary to the center of the Earth to create a quake large enough to fully remove San Francisco from the rest of the country.
Then nuke it.
Although I'm sure you're already convinced, since you've read this report, I need you to get out there and convince everyone else to get to work completing these two goals before we raise an entire generation of drug addict gay violent Americans.