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[xxdarkwolfrosexx]

Maybe you could give me advice? So far this is what I've got.
1,000 years ago a wish granter came from the shadows and gave the lords of the lands each a wish. Over time each new lord got his wish but they got more and more greedy. Once the wish granter saw that kind wishs were being turned bad she decided to only give a wish to the one who could please the gods. Each god would give the one who they would choose a element crystal, with all ten that person could get a wish.
Your father and mother sat out years ago and finally recovered all of the ten element crystals and are now hunting to trade with the wish granter but...instead of finding her in the sacred church they find someone else. Before this man can try and take the crystals and force the wish granter to grant HIS wish your mother scatters the elements back to were they belong before he kills them both.
You awake in your bed hearing your mothers voice telling you to find a man named "Arrow", so that he may lead you to the crystals before the evil man from the church can find them agian.
Characters

Spoiler

<3 Rei Ashford--The main hero of the story, she is a young girl who was very close to her father. Rei has a big heart but also a big temper and hard head.

Zack Ashford--:-/ Rei's big brother and the second biggest hero of the story. He's a huge flirt and pretty loyal and ready to follow Rei to the ends of the earth.

Amy Baneulos---_- She is Rei's best friend and she comes with her to help get the crystals. Amy is a bit of a bookworm and not too strong but her knowledge of the lands will help on the quest.

Arrow--:*) ???

 

[ZackAshford]

You already know but, I like it! Keep up the good work Squirt.

 

[Marcus]

Sounds like Dragonball and by that I mean it doesn't sound very appealing.

 

[AceJP]

sounds ok.
However,

Before this man can try and take the crystals and force the wish granter to grant HIS wish your mother scatters the elements back to were they belong before he kills them both.

How is this physically possible? Could you please elaborate on how she scatters all of the crystals to "where the belong" (I assume, back to where she found them?) But how could she do this while staying within the church?

oh, and to use the spoiler function.
[ s p o i l e r = Characters ]
blah blah blah
[ / s p o i l e r ]

with out the spaces though will give you this

Spoiler: characters

blah blah blah

 

[Totti]

Crystal equal a major turn-off I stopped reading the rest after I read the word crystals, I just can't do another crystal game, unless it's a Square-made FF.

 

[xxdarkwolfrosexx]

I asked for help not people dissing my work. If you have ADVICE do tell. SO FAR this is the story line and I want someone to give me a better idea so it's alittle better. Does anyone have any ideas?

 

[JD_Slasha]

My overall suggestion to you is to go into detail into your storyline... who is the man at the church? Why can just anyone get these crystals? Who is Arrow? Perhaps go into detail about the history of the main character's parents.... give more detail and try to be more organized in your post. The way you have it makes it seem very unorganized and cluttered... gives off the impression that you came up with this after watching some DBZ. Yes it's very cliche', but that's not necessarily a bad thing... if you can work it right.... right now I'm not really too impressed, but I see some potential. Good luck...

 

[xxdarkwolfrosexx]

I personally hate DBZ ^^

The man at the church is still unknown to the player and it would be a spoiler.
Anyone can go after the crystals but they would have to be strong to GET them.
Arrow is a mysterious man that your mother mentioned, also he would be a spoiler.

So here goes agian...

Spoiler: Story/Plot

1,000 years ago a mage who lived in the Cresent Church came out of the shadows and began to help out people with her powers. She granted the kings of the lands a wish to help their rule, but, over time the wishs got more selfish making the mage change her mind. After planning and help from the ten dragon gods she decided the one who wanted the wish would have to go fight each god to win over a Element Crystal. If anyone was brave enough and wanted the wish that badly, he must deserve it she thought.
A few years ago your parents, two demons from the Ice Realm, decided to go hunting for the ten elements so they may have a wish. Before they told their two children, Zack and Rei, what wished they planned they had already gone.
Finally today, the two parents had found the last element and were headed to trade with the wish granter. Once they got to the church however a mysterious unnamed man appeared and attacked them trying to get the crystals. Your mother used the last of her strength to send the crystals back to the gods so to protect the wish.
You wake in bed in the middle of the stormy night after having a nightmare of your parents get killed. Before you get up you see your faded mother’s image. “The man….He must not have the elements….Find Arrow, he shall lead you.â€Â

 

[JD_Slasha]

There's an edit button for a reason... please use it.

 

[xxdarkwolfrosexx]

Scattered Soul

Spoiler: plot

Life was a paradise for Rei, she had everything. She had a huge house, kids, power beyond beleif, and just...everything.
One day a strange woman named Jackel appeared sneaking around the house, a few days later she was cought agian. Rei invited her friend's over for the kids incase the wackjob appeared agian but when she got home the house was in flames. Everyone, her family and friends, had been murdered. The Jackel appeared out of the flames and attacked Rei admitting she was jelous for having so little and Rei having so much. When she was about to lose the fight she summoned a shadow creature that killed Rei.
Days and days later for the first time since the death of Rei, some one came to the house. The man used alcamey *Sorry ^^* and brought Rei back to life in the body of a dying child.
Now with the power of the man "Arrow" and Rei's new young body, she must find her loved ones and bring them back, and find her scattered powers from her true body.
"You must find a way...Bring back your friends. Find your powers...find what you lost.

how is it?

 

[ZackAshford]

Look people, my little sister is VERY sensitive and she's trying her best. Please atleast try to sound nicer, she takes alot to heart. Can someone try to help incourage her and give her some tips or something?