Harikune's Lyrical Dump

[Skyler]

Spoiler: A Moment

Today is the day, that it hit me like a wall
I've come so far, just to stumble and fall
I don't even know what I'm supposed to do
All I know is that I love you
And I take a breath and close my eyes
And imagine you here, sitting by my side
Looking ahead to a hopeful moment
Not looking behind at my condolences

There's a moment in my mind, when I can't find
Whatever it is that truly defines
What you are, and who you're gonna be.
And there's a ripple in time, where I don't mind
Taking a seat on this throne of mine
Just as long, as you're right here with me.

The feelings I've imprisoned have escaped their cell
And if I don't re-contain them, it'll all turn to hell
I stare at the sky, just asking for answers.
But to no surprise, it's like curing cancer.
I shrug my shoulders and continue to fall.
It's impossible to wrap my mind around it all.
The things you said, and the things you did.
I can't stop smiling like a little kid.

There's a moment in my mind, when I can't find
Whatever it is that truly defines
What you are, and who you're gonna be.
And there's a ripple in time, where I don't mind
Taking a seat on this throne of mine
Just as long, as you're right here with me.

I know there's words that I've never told you
And I know there's mistakes that I've made, too.
But it's hard to confess what's deep inside
And it's hard to address what I keep in stride.
I'll try not to cry while we're apart
But making a promise is a horrible start
Every second feels like forever
I just can't wait until we're together.

There's a moment in my mind, when I can't find
Whatever it is that truly defines
What you are, and who you're gonna be.
And there's a ripple in time, where I don't mind
Taking a seat on this throne of mine
Just as long, as you're right here with me.

Spoiler: This Bullet

As I say goodbye and let it all go
There's a tear in my eye, and I think you should know
My finger's on the trigger but my heart's stuck on you.
Can you ever forgive me for the pain I've put you through?

This bullet is my savior and this gun is my hero,
I shouldn't have tried to change her, and I think it's time for me to go.
Yeah, this bullet is my savior and this gun is my father's,
Whenever I have questions, she doesn't even bother.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my love,
I don't have a place here so let my soul fly like a dove.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my friend,
I can't wait 'till it's over, I can't wait 'till the end.

As I look at your face, I can tell you're sad.
I'm quite the opposite, I'm actually glad.
Close your eyes and count to ten.
Baby, I promise, I won't bother you again.

This bullet is my savior and this gun is my hero,
I shouldn't have tried to change her, and I think it's time for me to go.
Yeah, this bullet is my savior and this gun is my father's,
Whenever I have questions, she doesn't even bother.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my love,
I don't have a place here so let my soul fly like a dove.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my friend,
I can't wait 'till it's over, I can't wait 'till the end.

Praying for an ending, something clean and dignified.
And it seems like I'm pretending, but deep, deep down inside
This is the only solution that I'll ever discover.
And I can't wait that long to die alone under the covers.

This bullet is my savior and this gun is my hero,
I shouldn't have tried to change her, and I think it's time for me to go.
Yeah, this bullet is my savior and this gun is my father's,
Whenever I have questions, she doesn't even bother.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my love,
I don't have a place here so let my soul fly like a dove.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my friend,
I can't wait 'till it's over, I can't wait 'till the end.

The clock is ticking down and my audience is waiting.
Come on, don't frown; what have you got to say to me?
If there's nothing else between us, nothing left at all,
Will you look on helplessly, or catch me before I fall?

This bullet is my savior and this gun is my hero,
I shouldn't have tried to change her, and I think it's time for me to go.
Yeah, this bullet is my savior and this gun is my father's,
Whenever I have questions, she doesn't even bother.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my love,
I don't have a place here so let my soul fly like a dove.
This bullet is my savior and this gun is my friend,
I can't wait 'till it's over, I can't wait 'till the end.

Spoiler: Ticket

Hey there baby, I just got your letter.
You're so far away, but I feel much better.
I imagine your voice as I read these words.
My heart could grow wings and fly like a bird.

I've got my ticket and I'm on my way,
Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing your face.
Through rain, sleet, and even snow,
There's no limit to where I would go.
I'm just so excited to feel your breath,
as you're breathing slowly on the back of my neck.
Reminisce about the times were were together,
The days went by fast, and it feels like forever
Since we've even held each other's hand,
Underneath the moonlight, sitting on the sand.
Contemplating a life-changing decision,
Concentrating on what I'd be missing.
Yeah, yeah, concentrating on what I'd be missing.

Hey there baby, it's good to see your face.
Why don't you give me the tour, and show me your place?
My heart is racing, faster and faster.
I'm only thinking of the inevitable disaster.

I've got my ticket and I'm on my way,
Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing your face.
Through rain, sleet, and even snow,
There's no limit to where I would go.
I'm just so excited to feel your breath,
as you're breathing slowly on the back of my neck.
Reminisce about the times were were together,
The days went by fast, and it feels like forever
Since we've even held each other's hand,
Underneath the moonlight, sitting on the sand.
Contemplating a life-changing decision,
Concentrating on what I'd be missing.
Yeah, yeah, concentrating on what I'd be missing.

Hey there baby, it's time for me to go.
But before I do, there's something you should know.
Though I'll leave you behind and go separate ways,
Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing your face.

I've got my ticket and I'm on my way,
Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing your face.
Through rain, sleet, and even snow,
There's no limit to where I would go.
I'm just so excited to feel your breath,
as you're breathing slowly on the back of my neck.
Reminisce about the times were were together,
The days went by fast, and it feels like forever
Since we've even held each other's hand,
Underneath the moonlight, sitting on the sand.
Contemplating a life-changing decision,
Concentrating on what I'd be missing.
Yeah, yeah, concentrating on what I'd be missing.

Spoiler: I Love You

I can't stop staring, and I hope you don't look.
My eyes are glued to you.
I won't stop staring, as I noticed that glance you took.
My eyes are still glued to you.

Every time I look at you, my heart just stews, I know it's true.
I love you.
And every second that I stare, I just don't care, I know you're there.
I love you.
And even if you're taken, in someone else's arms.
I know I'm not mistaken, for giving you my heart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know that it's true.
Baby, I love you.

It's time to leave, but I don't even want to go.
My heart's just stuck on you.
Heart on your sleeve, and I think you should know.
My heart's still stuck on you.

Every time I look at you, my heart just stews, I know it's true.
I love you.
And every second that I stare, I just don't care, I know you're there.
I love you.
And even if you're taken, in someone else's arms.
I know I'm not mistaken, for giving you my heart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know that it's true.
Baby, I love you.

We're finally together, and I stare into your eyes.
I just can't stop thinking about you.
I've been waiting for forever, and you chose me out of all those guys.
It's lame, but I'm addicted to you.

Every time I look at you, my heart just stews, I know it's true.
I love you.
And every second that I stare, I just don't care, I know you're there.
I love you.
And even if you're taken, in someone else's arms.
I know I'm not mistaken, for giving you my heart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know that it's true.
Baby, I love you.

Baby, I love you.

 

[seven]

Sounds more like a song than a poem.

 

[tofurkey]

Sounds more like a song than a poem.

That's because it is a song?

Anyway, this is okay if you've been going out for a long time, but otherwise it's a little cheesy. I.e.:

I stare at the sky, just asking for answers.
But to no surprise, it's like curing cancer.

The other line I had a problem with was this one:

The feelings I've imprisoned have escaped their cell
And if I don't re-contain them, it'll all turn to hell

That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. What I'm getting from that is you accidentally started loving and now you want to take it back, but the rest of the song is a profession of love. Maybe fix that up a little.

You should play around with some more substantial metaphor and maybe a little less exact rhyme; it'll make it sound less contrived and a little more meaningful. Also, I'm no songwriter, but it would also help to know a little more about the musical aspect. Are you singing this a capella, guitar, etc.? Tempo, rhythm, etc.

 

[arbiter]

;D

 

[Skyler]

That's because it is a song?

Anyway, this is okay if you've been going out for a long time, but otherwise it's a little cheesy. I.e.:

I stare at the sky, just asking for answers.
But to no surprise, it's like curing cancer.

The other line I had a problem with was this one:

The feelings I've imprisoned have escaped their cell
And if I don't re-contain them, it'll all turn to hell

That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. What I'm getting from that is you accidentally started loving and now you want to take it back, but the rest of the song is a profession of love. Maybe fix that up a little.

You should play around with some more substantial metaphor and maybe a little less exact rhyme; it'll make it sound less contrived and a little more meaningful. Also, I'm no songwriter, but it would also help to know a little more about the musical aspect. Are you singing this a capella, guitar, etc.? Tempo, rhythm, etc.

For the first line, yeah, I see where you're coming from there. We've been together for like 4 months, I think. For the second line, she's probably the only one who'd understand that. I'm not the kind of guy to open up to people, and when I do, I always fuck shit up somehow. Like, I'll be thinking of something totally kick-ass to say, and then I say something totally opposite. In other words, confessing feelings = vulnerability, which = fail.

And it's kind of a slow song, with an acoustic and electric guitar, as well as drums. Kind of like "The Investigation" or "Counting Stars" by Sugarcult.

 

[Surmuck]

For the second line, she's probably the only one who'd understand that. I'm not the kind of guy to open up to people, and when I do, I always fuck shit up somehow. Like, I'll be thinking of something totally kick-ass to say, and then I say something totally opposite. In other words, confessing feelings = vulnerability, which = fail.

We're not really discussing your personal life in this thread - just for the record. Also, you sound sort of like the type of person who makes excuses for weaknesses in their writing. In the writing forum, when someone makes crits over specific sentences, it's best to just think about editing them instead of explaining why their what they are

Anyway, this looks pretty solid, but some faults.

And there's a ripple in time, where I don't mind
Taking a seat on this throne of mine
Just as long, as you're right here with me.

Last line adds a very cheesy tone.

The things you said, and the things you did.
I can't stop smiling like a little kid.

You end your verses...weirdly, I guess. This one could use a look over too.

I'll try not to cry while we're apart
But making a promise is a horrible start

While this semi-worked, 'try' doesn't equal 'promise' exactly. Not saying it needs editing really though. Mixed opinion.


Anyway, this is better than most stuff that goes in here - so I'd like to see a cleaned up version =)

Good luck,
-surmuck

 

[Skyler]

Thanks. And yeah, I'm a little sensitive to criticism about songs, because I try to pour my heart and soul and every emotion possible in it. Some songs come easy, and some don't. Apparently, this song had less faults in it than I thought, which is saying something. I'll think about all the stuff you guys said and work on improving song-writing for the future. Once again, thanks.

 

[Zackwell]

Aww, It's really nice when someone makes a song for the one that they love, it really shows dedication towards their feelings for them. Sure there are a few cheesy lines that could use revision, but for her it won't be 'Icky' at all seeing as you took time to write it for her.
Why doesn't My boyfriend write poetic things for Me?  :down:

I'll try not to cry while we're apart
But making a promise is a horrible start

How about:
I vow not to cry while we're apart
But making a promise is a horrible start

Other Crits

Personally I use a different style of rhyming couplets, you do it in the style of
1 (1)
2 (1)
3 (2)
4 (2)
So the first line rhymes with the second line;
I use this style:
1 (1)
2 (2)
3 (1)
4 (2)
I'm not saying you should redo your entire song, but sometimes that style can sound cheesy just for the pattern

So wandered he to forest lake
Blanketed by mist
Stared he to lonely nearby isle
Dotted with amethyst.

compare it with the lines in your song and see the difference in rhyme.

 

[Skyler]

Added in two new songs.

"This Bullet" is about a really close friend of mine who committed suicide because his girlfriend of four years broke up with him. You can kinda figure the rest out.

"Ticket" is pretty obvious, as well.

 

[Skyler]

JUST wrote a new song for my new girlfriend. Any crits?

 

[Totti]

The rhyming couplets are pretty cliche, but I guess that's okay especially with these types of acoustic songs.  Do you play guitar?  If not, I'd like to try my hand at writing some music to go along with the lyrics.

Also, "my heart just stews" doesn't really sound too, uhm, good.  I don't know how to describe it, but it's like a forced word in there.  I would rethink that part.

 

[Neverplayd]

Alright, I read the "Ticket" lyrics and spotted a few things.

I've got my ticket and I'm on my way, (10 syllables)
Nothing's gonna stop me from seeing your face. (11 syllables)
Through rain, sleet, and even snow, (7 syllables)
There's no limit to where I would go. (9 syllables)

This stanza doesn't flow well. The third line is too short. You could add "through" before sleet and snow to make it flow better possibly.

I'm just so excited to feel your breath, (10 syllables)
as you're breathing slowly on the back of my neck. (12 syllables)

Not really a problem, but it could be better if you changed "I'm" to "I am" to help it flow better.

Reminisce about the times were were together,

Think you meant "we were together".

Hey there baby, it's good to see your face.
Why don't you give me the tour, and show me your place?

The second line seems a little too long. Maybe just removing and will help it flow better.

These are mostly just my opinions regarding the flow of the piece. I'd suggest you try editing the parts of the song and see how they sound without them.