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Empirus Chronicles: The RP (Critique Welcome!)

So this is the intro to my game, Empirus Chronicles Episode 1: Emerald Skies. But, I've turned it into a RP- you write the rest of the story. Now, I've already written the ACTUAL story for my game, but I wanna see where you run with this. Maybe I'll throw a few of the ideas here into my game!
Feel free to comment, make a suggestion or ask a question, all critique is welcome! :D
Thanks for reading, and enjoy!

Empirus Chronicles:  The RP

Prologue


Zameda, Calbrenian Empire. Year 3098.

The man paced the room frantically, shoving items in a backpack. A notebook, binder, data drives, and every single document that he found on  his desk was packed into the bag. Racing down the stairs into his basement, he quickly keyed in the combination to a secret vault he installed underneath a large black sofa.
Tossing the bag in the safe, he closed it shut, and ran upstairs, with considerable speed for a somewhat portly man like him. He dashed into his son's room but before he was able to wake him up, a loud BOOM exploded through the air, waking his son up for him.
"Daddy! What's going on!" cried the boy, visibly scared.
"Cale, my son, it will be alright... I need you to get all the things you need, because we're getting out of here. Now."
"But what's happening to the city, Daddy? Are we gonna be OK?"
"Cale... you'll be alright, because Daddy's here for you, okay?"

*******

It looked like it had been an airport at one point, but it was bombed to the point where it was nearly indistinguishable from the surrounding flaming wreckage of the city. But, if Cale Leonis and his father Vincent were lucky, there would still be a government airplane they could use to fly to a safe haven. Vincent and Cale stuck close to the shadows of buildings and any other structure they could find, because they knew that there could still be enemy soldiers lurking around any corner.
Once the coast was clear, they ran towards the airplane hangar, knowing that their salvation could possibly rest inside...
and were stopped dead in their tracks.

A dark figure dressed in the purple and black of a Demagus general's uniform stepped forward, followed by around a dozen standard soldiers.
"Hello, Mr. Leonis. I believe you have something you need to give us!" spat the general.
"Maxwell, I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again: You will never get my research findings about Project NOVA! I mean, are you crazy? Is your Emperor Zadeon insane as well?! You could very well start another War of Arcana!"
"Leonis, I did not ask you for your philosophical prattle, when you are the reason why thousands have died today. We have asked you, asked the Calbrenian Empire; we even threatened to invade, so maybe your Emperor might get you to speak to save an invasion of your precious country. And the Demagus Empire makes no empty threats, as you can plainly see all around you!"
"Maxwell, you are a fiend. Go to hell."
"Have it your way, Vincent. Now your dear son will pay for your mistakes, with his life, like all the other poor residents of Zameda today," cooed General Maxwell as he shoved Vincent on the ground and took aim at Cale with a plasma gun.
"Daddy, no! Please don't let him--"

CRACK.

CRACK.

CRACK.

...went three bolts of plasma straight into the back of Vincent Leonis, who stood up in front of his son just in time to save him.
"No!!!" cried Cale.
"Cale... I... Novas and humans... you must seek paradise... you must... I..." croaked Vincent Leonis, with his final breath.

"General Maxwell, sir!! We were under explicit orders not to kill Vincent! What are we gonna do now?" asked a soldier.
"We'll take the boy. Perhaps he knows something... And, perhaps he will someday speak after what will be in store for him at the South Demiel camp."


Chapter 1 - The Escape

South Demiel, Demagus Empire. Year 3106

Cale Leonis was awakened by five knocks on the other side of his wall. He quietly rolled out of his cot, and the cold, cement floor beneath his feet reminded him why he needed to get out of this place so bad. He rubbed the sleep from his olive green eyes, and ran a hand through his messy, brown hair. He quickly dressed himself in the ratty orphanage clothes and walked over to the cracked mirror and sink in his cell.
"Finally... Today's the day...." said Cale quietly, to himself, as he washed his face in the water.

Cale was six feet tall, and somewhat wiry. He was seventeen now, and he had been here since he was nine, making guns at the Phil Theeman Institute for the Orphaned day in and day out for the soldiers of the Demagus Empire. However, the constant work made Cale look, and feel much older than his actual age.
It was General Maxwell who had put him here, in hopes that Cale would give him more information about the magical beings known as Novas. But he knew nothing... except for his father's final words to "seek Paradise". Cale didn't know what that meant, but he was determined to find out so that his father wouldn't die for nothing.

And today would be the start of that quest.

Cale tiptoed to the front of his cell, and whispered to the cell beside him, "Silas. Are you ready for this?"
"Yeah, man. Let's ditch this place."
"Alright. The guards should be coming any minute now. You know what we have to do."
"You know it. But where are we---"
"Shhh! I can hear the guards coming!" cautioned Cale.

"I've been waiting for today for a long time..." said one of the guards, walking down the hall.
"Yes, I've always wanted to see General Maxwell in person; he is a great inspiration to all the citizens of Demagus," spoke another.
"And I'm proud that he would stop here, of all places, to see how we are working for our great Emperor... Emperor Zadeon..." said a third.
"I'm sure he'll be proud of us!" exclaimed the first guard, lighting the old wall torches on the way with a lighter, "Rise and shine, orphans! It's four-thirty AM! Get up now or it'll be double work, half rations today!"

Cale couldn't help but smile...
 

zax67

Member

well i cant shake off the feeling that you give out too much information at the beginning
in the conversation between maxwell and vincent about everything thats been going on
with the emperor and everything.

Try to leave out some information for when the story gets more complicated


but other than that so far it is a very well thought story  :smile: good job!
 

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