Dimension Explorers: Utopia - My first 'full' story. [WIP]

[Belphegore XIV]

Giving up Hope
Part 1: Utopia

Remember - it's a work-in-progress. Don't just say to me that I haven't included much text in the prologue.

Prologue: Cry of the Eagle

Spoiler

Do eagles really have to suffer death? Do we have to be sent to a dark dimension when we die?

The eagles were bunched together in a group around a nest. Some eggs were about to hatch. The mother eagle was watched as her children hunched together around the egg nest. She was feeling bad about it.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

The sentences seem too jumpy and short. You could easily merge some of them together to make things smoother and more fluent.

Quick edit:

"Bunched together, the eagles stood, watching the eggs soon ready to hatch. The mother, feeling bad about the hatching..." (still not a great edit, but lengthening the sentences makes it easier to read. It's kind of like playing music-which is easier, playing three notes lasting two seconds each, or twelve notes lasting half a second each? This isn't music, but the same basic concept still applies. Whenever there's a period, you have to pause, and the more you pause the more difficult it is to read.) Well, that's it, really. It's six sentences. Not much to comment on. :/

The first two sentences seem like the kind of thing that should be longer, like a little forward or something. It just cuts off when it starts to delve into the questioning for the purpose of death. Go into it more. It's a great opportunity to try out your writing skills and get a little creative, questoning the very reason for death and really making the reader think, setting them up for the story.

You know, it's barely six sentences, and yet it reminds me of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole series, which kind of starts the same way, except with an owl hatching, not an eagle.

 

[Surmuck]

There's nothing here to really comment on. I don't know why you started a thread, really.

She was felling bad about it.

I assume you mean 'feeling'?

It is indeed very jumpy. Your moving from topic to topic with little transition. From why we must die, to eagles hatching, to how the mother feels. Very poor attempt at being...philosophical, or inquisitive, or 'stirring'? I don't know. Didn't appeal to me.