dearest bacon,
I am writing to inquire about a position i would like to fill in your ass. I am a lonely barmaid seeking a warm crevice with which to pin my dreams of modeling upon. If you would be so kind as to let me dwell in your buttcrack I will promise to keep the place tidy and allow no visitors after hours. PM me if you would like to negotiate rent.
Sincerely,
Lufia