Cycle of the Sun (Poem)

[Stardust]

This is a poem I wrote when I got a burst of inspiration from a line in a practice test we were doing.  I was so inspired, actually, that I pushed the test aside so I could write this.  I'm not sure if I'm good with poetry or not, but I like it when I want to express something in a short paragraph.

Spoiler: Cycle of the Sun

The sun falls slowly below the horizon,
a welcome relief from the heat and burning.
The sky shifts slowly to the darkness of night,
seemingly unsure of its uncontrollable change.
The whole world seems to fade in disappointment,
trying unsuccessfully to pull it back.
Then, the trees, the grass, and earth
swallowed by the night,
becoming unseen for the rest of time.
The rest of the “dayâ€

 

[Surmuck]

Bravo.
I rather enjoyed it; but as the end is often a stickler for me - I'll make my points
--'carrying the sun with it' seemed an awkward to even read line; while the lines before it I thought were rather well crafted indeed - I thought this one particularly kind of flawed the effect.

--becoming unidentifiable without a source of light.
I'm not sure if you were even intentional in rhyming with the previous 'night'. If so, this line is too long - mostly due to using 'unidentifiable' and the rhyme doesn't match well - and therefore the section itself doesn't flow well.

Often you will want to read your poetry aloud before your done doing any initial editing. This helps me, at least, recognize where parts don't flow together well, and words that sound awkward with others.

Overall quality though, I would say you might try poetry more often :D Keep it up.

 

[Stardust]

Pretty much everything you pointed out has occurred to me already, but I haven't really come up with a way to fix it yet because I've been incredibly busy.  Light and night wasn't intentional at all.  It just kind of . . . happened, and I don't like how it came out.  I'll work on it tomorrow with some of my free time and find a way to fix those two lines.  Thanks for the help. ^-^

Edit: OK, I've made some changes to the poem and put it in the first post.  I think I've fixed most of the problems that existed in the original.

 

[Surmuck]

Mkay. Going to pick individual parts apart now...
--The sun falls slowly below the horizon,
a welcome relief from the heat and burning.
The sky shifts slowly to the darkness of night,
seemingly unsure of its decision.

I'm pretty comfortable with this section of the poem - IMO the words flow together in a figurative and literal way, and it gives a good feeling to the beginning of the poem. Beginnings are important because if they aren't good, theres no incentive to even want to read the rest. So awesome start.

--The whole world seems to fade in disappointment,
trying unsuccessfully to pull it back.
Then the trees and grass and earth and life are
swallowed by the endless night,

Third line in this section uses 'and' three times. The last two lines rhyme, which is great - as I really like the specifics in the two, but the problem with throwing random rhymes in the middle with poems is it creates an expectations. If I see two lines that rhyme, I expect to see more; so you kind of have to stick to either one or the other - or developing a specific form to rhyme in. I.e. rhyme the last two lines of any individual section together. (I know you didn't divide it - but this is how my mind would divide it, if it were me.)

--
becoming unseen for the rest of time.
The hours pass, taking forever,
a minute an hour, an hour a year
until a breeze sweeps over the world,
carrying the sun above the horizon.

The second line of this section is awkward to read. That, and in two lines you've managed to say 'hour' three times, which kind of ruins the effect of the words your using, because their in such heavy succession.
And still, your last two lines don't...go together well. I don't know how else to say it, but I just don't think it ties the poem together. Endings are like ribbons, IMO.

This poem has some real potential, but everything has its kinks to work out.

 

[Stardust]

Wow, thanks for the help!  I'll have to work on it more tomorrow.  It usually takes me a while to go through options in my head, but I'll definitely keep working on it.

Then the trees, the grass, the earth, and life are
swallowed by the endless night,
becoming unseen for the rest of time.
I really don't want this poem to rhyme.

Edit: I've updated the first post with the version I came up with today.  I converted a lot of stuff back to the original and fixed the main problems (I think) instead of adding more and creating more problems.

 

[Surmuck]

The sun falls slowly below the horizon,
a welcome relief from the heat and burning.
The sky shifts slowly to the darkness of night,
seemingly unsure of its decision.
While this paragraph - unchanged as it is - I'm re-reading it and think that that very last line gives an abrupt, closing feel to the entire poem - because its significantly shorter than the ones surrounding it.

releasing the sun to start all over.
The phrase 'start all over' doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, I'm feeling.

 

[Stardust]

Yeah, that decision line was bothering me earlier, but I kind of forgot about it bothering me in the attempt to fix everything else.

I'll have to find something besides "start all over."  Thanks for all your help.  It's getting better with each revision I do.

 

[Surmuck]

I would agree that the quality from the original poem has vastly improved. Glad to be of service, and you had a good poem from the start - just took some editing :D

 

[Stardust]

OK, a new version is posted.  I didn't edit it to much.  It's more just trying to find the right words.  I'm glad I posted this here. ^-^

 

[serrated_colon]

The sun falls slowly below the horizon,
a welcome relief from the heat and burning.
The sky shifts slowly to the darkness of night,
seemingly unsure of its uncontrollable change.
The whole world seems to fade in disappointment,
trying unsuccessfully to pull it back.
Then, the trees, the grass, and earth
swallowed by the night,
becoming unseen for the rest of time.
The rest of the “dayâ€

 

[Stardust]

The sun falls slowly below the horizon,
a welcome relief from the heat and burning.
The sky shifts slowly to the darkness of night,
seemingly unsure of its uncontrollable change.
The whole world seems to fade in disappointment,
trying unsuccessfully to pull it back.
Then, the trees, the grass, and earth
swallowed by the night,
becoming unseen for the rest of time.
The rest of the “dayâ€