You know how it goes. One day, you're just driving along the road, listening to some obscure yet good radio, minding your own meaningless business when BAM! Some drunk son of a bitch hits you from the side and suddenly you wake up in the emergency room with some fugly little Asian nurse girly-girl asking if you are awake. No duh, of course I'm awake, I'm freaking blinkiing, ain't I? Until I realize that, yeah, I'm actually not blinking cause my spinal cord's a little screwy-looey loose cause of the, you know, aforementioned car accident and that my eyes have actually been opened the last hour or so.
And, of course, I couldn't actually make conversation, only little "Umph! Umph!" noises. But, lucky, she understood, and came running out the room calling for a doctor. Yeah, get the fuck away, I'm not exactly feeling peachy at the moment, if you understand.
So, yeah, I'm just trying to glance around the room and understand what the hell's going on, besides for the fact that my car just got totalled, and I find myself in a cast. A very large, a very hard, a very white cast. Full body, and you'll never understand how awesome the movement of the neck is until you realize you don't have it. What you also don't realize how freaky the human body is. You know how, when you wake up in the morning, you have an erection? Well, yeah, I might have been mean while describing her, but the Asian girl was pretty damn hot, and I actually have a fetish for them.
What I'm trying to say is that when the doctor entered my room, he first knocked on the door, and then he got a knock back from my pants. Fortunately, I remembered that I am in the hospital from some crash on the road in a fullbody cast, and you would not believe how fast those kinds of realizations kill the activity in your pants.
"Well... Mr... Marshal, is it?" The doctor asked, eyeing my pelvic area and then finall glancing up. "You know where you are?"
"Umph," I said.
"Yes, that's right, you're in Sutherland Hospital," he answered for me. "You were recently in a car accident, on the afternoon of May 12, roughly last week. This is the first time you've regained consiousness since that time. You were in severe condition for quite a while, but we managed to pull through."
"Umph."
"Oh!" The doctor pacepalmed. "I forgot to mention, I'm your doctor, Dr. Monroe. Habit of mines to forget sometimes. My assistant, as you have... seen, is Nurse Nguyen."
My eyes darted to her."
"...Umph," I replied.
"Nice," he said. Getting the stupid clipboard that all these doctors seem to have, he check something off. "You are surprisingly lucid, considering that this is your first time awake in a week, Mr. Marshal. Although it will be quite a time before your body regains mobility, partial or complete, your lucidity would hopefully be an indication of things to come. Do you have any questions?"
"Umph!" I said.
"No? Nice to know," he replied with a smirk. I swear the guy was asking me these damn questions on purpose. He probably has a thing for Nurse Nguyen himself. "If you need anything, please notify Nurse Nguyen."
"Umph."
"I hate myself," the guy said.
You know how it goes. One day, you're in a car accident, and so you're in a full body cast in a hospital, completely incapacitated and unable to respond, and the hospital would assign the most talkative and depressing guy right next to you. Right NEXT to you, so when he talks, you have listen, and even if you don't want to listen, he'll keep talking, and even if you want to just choke yourself to fucking death to get away from the annoying douchebag's words, you can't, cause, uh, guess what? You're in a full body cast.
"Umph," reply I.
"You know, things used to be okay. Things used to be good. Well, okay, maybe not good, pear says, but better than this."
Yes, that's what he says. He doesn't say "Per se," he says, "Pear says." Don't ask. I'm losing IQ points listening to him
The guy glances over. He has a cast over his left leg and right shoulder. Reminds me of some guy in some manga I used to read when I was an obnoxious highschooler, before I became an obnoxious adult.
The guy looks sad. "You have it good," he says. I boggle, and start making noises, although he doesn't hear. "I wonder what type of life you had. I guess you had the fun jock life before you got here, right? You were probably having the coolest time in your car before you crashed."
Yeah, the guy's retarded. He hears car crash, drunk, and frat guy, aka me, and thinks I'm the one that crashed. I'm guessing he was the nobody in high school.
"Me, though, it's really tough being me. You know, I have to go to a cubicle in an office every day and work nine damn annoying hours. But my job's not really that. It's actually ass kissing. That's all I do. I know so many ways to make you feel bigger than me that I'm surprised I haven't won a Nobel Peeze Prize for it."
I'm not actually sure if he said Peeze or Peas, but I'm quite sure he didn't say Peace. Nevermind the retardedness of what he just said.
"Honestly, I'm not sure what I even do at work anymore. I just play solitaire on the computer all day long. Do you know how sad it is that I don't even know what I do anymore?"
And one person dies every four seconds, get over yourself, I think. I want to say "Shut the fuck up," but it comes out as, "Umph um UMPH UM!"
"Yeah, it is a good day," he says, staring out the window. So I'm just looking at the ceiling, thinking about what the hell was wrong with this guy. I'm not sure I want to know.
"Umph."
"Yeah."
"Umph!"
"Maybe I should leap out the window."
"Umph?"
"Good advice."
"UMPH!"
"Fine, I'll do it right now. It's not like my cheating wife's going to care."
"....Umph um um," I say, and I will always deny that I said "Go for it."
He doesn't do it.
The wuss.