Critique my intro

[MCsephiroth13]

Hey guys. I thought I should get a little help from you guys on the first few pieces of dialogue in my game. It's kind of poetic, I guess. What I need help with is if you get the idea of what it's saying, if it actually makes SENSE! lol (because there are a few big words that even I don't know if it's worded properly.

Here's the intro:

For too long have my foolish actions invocated (invoked?) your sadistic evil.

Every second of your prolonged existence gradually dimmed the concept of hope.

It was me who brought you into this world, and only I can remove you from it.

No more will your reign inspire impurity.

You will be removed from existence…

…and I hope to keep it that way.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could tell me which parts I can improve on/make it sound more interesting.

Thanks!

 

[archerRin]

for too long have my foolish actions roused your malicious intentions
As every second of your very existence gradually diminished the concept of hope
It was me who brought you into this world, and only I, can remove you from it. (comma = more suspenseful)
""
""
""

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Putting a comma there doesn't make sense, though. A comma is used for separating independent clauses and the "only I" is part of the "can remove you" clause. That would break the flow of the sentence and sound too broken. /grammarnerd

If you want to add suspense there try something like "and only I...only I can remove you from it."

 

[archerRin]

hmm yes u have a point