[Complete] A Short Little Thing That I'll Tell You

[Daxis]

A Short Little Thing That I'll Tell You


Seven years of praying,
Five days of wishing,
Three minutes of wanting,
And one instant where it all reveals.

You did not just lie to me,
I won't accept that,
Not ever again.
I will see past the inception,
Past desire, past deception,
To the point where everything's under control.

Yet what will I do when I
Can achieve whatever
The fuck
I want?
You tell me what to do,
I'll listen,
I try,
And I won't fail the task,
not this time I promise.

I will tell you, however,
That even when done with this endeavor,
That I will not be very good;
Even when told the truth
I'll still be unconfident.
Even when given the answer,
I will be yet hesitant.

But for the sake of something more,
Myself I will ignore,
I will slaughter the doubt in your eyes,
I will show you I won't deny.
Put hope in me,
Give me your trust and faith,
I promise I'll try,
Without having to say sorry.

...Again.

 

[Stardust]

I like the message in this and it was worded pretty good, but there were a couple of places where I thought there were some flow problems. It's probably just my personal preferences but I'll point them out anyway. ;o

You did not just lie to me,
I won't accept that,
Not ever again.
I will see past the inception,
Past desire, past deception,
To the point where everything's under control.

The last line was too long, imo. The rest of the lines in the stanza were relatively short and it stood out for me. Maybe break it into two lines, so it would be...

To the point where
everything is under control.

Yet what will I do when I
Can achieve whatever
The fuck
I want?
You tell me what to do,
I'll listen,
I try,
And I won't fail the task,
not this time I promise.

"The fuck I want" was something I stumbled over when reading. It has nice emphasis, but it felt kind of...disconnected in a way? If I were saying that, I'd personally say it quickly instead of slowing down (again, this might just be me :P). Having "Can achieve whatever the fuck I want?" on one line reads better for me.

Like I said earlier, good job. ;3